Wear Me Out

I learned how to use the electric edger.  It took me 5 hours, not all in one day, to edge the sidewalks and drive way.

THEN I was going to put new flooring in the family room.  I was going to take up the carpet and put down this vinyl planking.  So before I went to Lowe's to get the flooring I pulled up the carpet to look at the sub floor and was amazed and delighted!  Underneath was a laminate parquet floor!  YAY!  chaching!  Just saved a lot of money and time!

Just getting the carpet up and cut into pieces for the garbage...wow.  But it is so nice!  And with the money I saved on flooring I used some of to buy slip covers for the family room couch and wing backed chair.  I am changing the color of the room. 

I am headed up to my parents' house for the week.  Dad is going in for surgery Tuesday morning in a part of Cleveland my mom isn't used to and she is just worn out by everything.  She has had enough of spending time in hospitals with my oldest sister and my brother. Since I have plenty of time I will take my turn. 

My son is working 2 part time Jobs now.  He has been promoted to supervisor at the grocery store but arranged to only work 4 nights a week ( or 28 hrs a week) and he is working the boards at WHO radio and they are training him to do the traffic report and weather part time.  He will be working 28 hours there. I am proud of him!

Well..I'm off like a dirty shirt.

Unbelievable Novel

I had to take the time to give the Almost-Ex-Spouse advice on how to have a relationship with his offspring.  Our son will be turning 24 next month and our daughter will be 19 and NOW he is worried about having a relationship with them. 

He must have actually paid attention and is giving some consideration to what I am telling him.  I send it in an email after he had responded to an email I had sent asking him a simple question.  His response included a whine about how he hoped in time we could be friends and that he was sad because he will probably never have a  relationship with his kids.  I read it, thought about it, sighed and replied with directions on what he needed to do to have a relationship with his kids.  I also included a paragraph as to why he and I will never be friends.  I can be friendLY but not his friend.  That's as close as I'm going to get to that. 

I had to let him know, also that I paid the gas bill and it is being transferred to my name.  I have all the other utilities in my name already.

I also had to send a txt to remind him about the satellite radio subscription for my car.  I remembered it was supposed to end soon and he has always taken care of it.  I told him to make sure it cancels because they do an automatic renewal.  That text msg was evidently the tipping point because then he CALLED.  drat.

He discussed how to communicate with the kids and make sure I didn't want the satellite radio anymore.  I assured him it was nice but I didn't have long distances to travel, I can use the regular radio and I have an Ipod I connect and listen to.

I then went on to the grocery store.  I have this app on my phone that reads outloud any text msgs I receive.  It wasn't long before I heard the frog croak noise I use to announce an incoming txt msg and I heard the voice tell me it was a message from Troy and it told me he had renewed my satellite radio until January. 

Now I have to make a note on my calendar to call them in January to cancel it. 

I absolutely do NOT get it.  He is being nicer and doing more for me NOW, without complaining and yelling about it, than he has in our 25 years of marriage.  Honestly, once this dissolution is final I don't want to hear from him!  Just pay the alimony every month and leave me ALONE! 

I know I shouldn't complain that he is being so nice and generous but if you had to put up with someone constantly complaining to you/about you and yelling and just stomping through the house and bullying for 25 years and THEN as you are getting a divorce he is SUDDENLY the guy you SHOULD have been married to for 25 years, it would bug the bejesus out of you too!

I was thinking about my life over just the last month and a half and realized that I have read books and seen movies where the main character's life had a whole bunch of things go wrong all at once and I would think, "That's a bit over the top.  I could feel sympathy for that person without all of THAT."  I can almost chuckle at the realization that it really does happen. 

My dad is still not out of the woods.  It looks like he may have to have an artery replaced in his leg. The blood thinners are not able to get rid of the clot quickly enough and it may not ever be totally gone.  My mother is done in.  I am making plans on going up to visit them over Labor Day weekend.

I am still working on getting my own act together.  I have been in 'mourning' for a long time now.  Longer than I feel I should have been.  I can actually feel the gloom starting to lift. 

One thing that is helping me get past and move on is that, after Troy apologized for the irritatingly millionth time (almost that many) for hurting me and having such bad timing, I told him to QUIT apologizing and quit feeling guilty.  I told him we both know it was a lousy marriage and that he at least had the gonads to pull the plug on it.  I just always was afraid to because I could never actually let go of the idea that it could still be revived.  So he is doing us both a favor. The only thing he should feel bad about is the timing.  But I can even sort of understand that.  At least he is making sure things are taken care of and that me and the kids will be okay, financially. 

I really am just beyond the anger.  The hurt may remain because it is a human thing...feeling of rejection.  Even though it is all for the best.  And there is a feeling of failure because something you worked to hang on to for so long slipped away anyways.  However, that will pass at some point too.  And I may find someone else and actually enjoy my life.  Life has new possibilities. 

I am glad to be rid of the anger.  However, I am finding myself feeling hollow.  I would like to regain my joy.  This too will take time.  I want to joke around like I used to.  I want to look forward to doing things. 

I have joined some singles groups but have yet to actually get out and attend any of the meetups.  There is one at a comedy club at the end of the month but I was planning on visiting my parents then.  There are a few other things but they always seem to be at a time when I have actual plans for something else.  I will get there.

For now, I have a yard to get in order and a basement that needs a major cleanout.

Agitator

So, the Almost-ex-spouse is actually being very generous and helpful.  I don't have to worry about the roof over my head or the utilities...for the first year.  Then for the next 4 I still don't have to worry about the roof over my head.  I get everything in the house...except his office.  He put the kids on his insurance.  I get his retirement CD. 

Here's the problem...I don't mean to be cynical but I HAVE been married to the guy for 25 years and he is very bipolar and he is a bully.  So...why is he being so nice?  And I do mean nice because he calls me and TALKS to me.  Not AT me.  He wants to have conversations.  He wants us to be, hack ack, FRIENDS. 

REALLY?  I can be civil and I can be 'nice' but I cannot be his friend.  25 years of crap and a few weeks of nice and he thinks I can be his friend.  The Bible says turn the other cheek but it doesn't mean I have to stand within striking distance.

He has called me more in the last few days than he has in the last 2 months!  He has talked to me like someone he LIKES and respects.  After all the crap I have had to listen to from him over the years and the way he has treated me, now he expects me to be all sweet and 'sure we can be best friends and we can talk any time you want!" 

I told him something I know is going to bug him...even though he asked me for a divorce...I know how he works and it seems to be a family trait.  I told him that I am not handling being alone as well as I thought I would.  I left the idea in the air that I may be moving on.  He may not want me but he won't like the idea of being replaced.  I have not received a response from him. 

Even if he changed his mind about wanting this dissolution, I will not.  I remember too well the last 25 years.  I remember the bullying, the drugs, the yelling, etc.  And while, for some inexplicable reason, I am having mental and emotional difficulty with the idea of being single again, I will not turn back.  I will come around and find my footing.  I will be okay.  Better without him.  It is what I have wished for off and on for many years.  Now I am getting that wish and I remember why I made that wish. 

I think he may have someone in the wings.  Or at least is waiting to shoot out there and find someone.  I hope he can find someone and be happy. 

Okay...I may not be feeling generous enough for that last bit there. Not yet. 

Right now what he says and what he does makes no sense to me.  I do know one thing...he need to quit calling me.  I find it agitating.

Post Card

My father seems to be out of the woods.  The specialists had found clots in his lungs Tuesday night during one of the ICU xray checks on his condition.  They had thought they would need to go in Wednesday morning and open him up and put in a screen. 

They took him off the blood pressure meds that he had been taking for the last year.  They felt that was what was slowing his heart rate and what caused the blood clot in his leg.  Then they started giving him meds to dissolve the clot.  They must had been right because by the time my mom and older sister got to the hospital Wednesday morning his heart rate was up, he was alert, the platelet count was climbing, the clot was dissolving and the swelling in his leg was going down.  The doctors decided the surgery was no longer necessary..his lungs were fine. 

Had lots and lots of prayers going out for him.  God heard and helped.

It was sunny and warm outside this afternoon so I decided to go to Lowe's and hunt down the price for new flooring for the family room.  The carpet is old and has been there for heaven knows how long before we moved in.  3 dogs have not done it any good.  I am putting down vinyl planks that match the hard wood floors in the rest of the house.  Just the planks alone will cost me just over $200.  I can buy them as soon as I get my retirement money from DP&L.  

Then I meandered over into the garden section.  Big mistake.  The perennials were on sale.  I bought some Echinacea, Sedum and...something I have wanted for a long time...a butterfly bush!  It had butterflies on it too!  I was loading those into the car and I realized that I wouldn't be hearing anyone yelling at me about buying more plants...that it was an unnecessary expense.  I smiled.  I sang.  It was a wonderful feeling.

I haven't heard anything out of him so I am assuming he hasn't gotten his certified letter yet. 

I have been thinking long and hard about why I am so angry at him for telling me he wants a divorce.  It isn't like I haven't verbalized the same thing dozens of times over the years (just not to him).  I think it is because of his timing.  And the idea that he can't be honest about the idea that he had this planned for longer than I care to think about.  Perhaps it makes me ill thinking about how long he stuck around when he really didn't want to be here.

I will never really know unless he can be honest about it and I don't want to hear it. 

Or am I angry because it was he that had the good sense to pull the trigger while I kept going back and forth between wanting to end it and thinking there might still be some way we could work it out. 

Doesn't really matter.   I need to get my arse in gear and make sure I have things lined up.

Tomorrow my son begins his new job.  He has weird unstable hours he is working for that and still keeping his stocking job at Foodtowne for now.  He is nervous about what he is going to be learning and doing.  Welcome to the real adult world. 

And now...time for some sleep.  Tomorrow will bring new challenges and I need to be able to face them.

The Email...I'm Not Proud of it...

From day one you were unhappy with me.  You preferred to go spend time with your 'friends' out at Rodney's and everywhere else and then get mad because I didn't want to hang around them.  I married YOU...not them and you KNOW I wasn't someone that did drugs and liked hanging out with a bunch of drunks.  And none of them were really friends because they were just as happy to knife each other in the back as long as they got something out of it. 

You had told me you didn't want to be like that and you wanted a different life.  I believed you.  You were still kinda out of control and unhappy so I did what I could to make sure your dreams came true.  I supported you in that respect.

You had expected me to be a teacher.  I disappointed you in that respect.  I disappointed myself in realizing I could not handle taking care of a family AND work outside the home at the same time. 
You HAVE to take some responsibility for things... you spent so much of your time either NOT with us or criticizing.  You were NEVER happy with anything!  I tried to make life run smoothly for EVERYONE and you made me feel like no matter what I did I could not make you happy. 
Even when you made decisions that put me through the wringer, I was still there to try and make it better. 

And now you just walk out on all of us.  You play at being an adult in the adult world by having a job but you can't handle the adult responsibility.  Here you are again going off and leaving me to sort things out and figure out how to keep my head and the kids' heads above water. 
I tried so hard to hang on to this and was willing to keep working on it...have to move one more time.  But not you!

I have been there holding things together, family wise, all these years, through EVERYTHING...and you just up and walk out and leave it all in my lap AGAIN!  You said that I must have known this was coming...you are right.  I don't know why I should expect anything different.  I SHOULD have known when you walked out that door that was you leaving.

All I ever wanted was happy family.  But we weren't because you were never happy.  You still aren't.  Nothing ever went according to plan.  That is life.  You can't handle it.  So your answer is flight.  You don't fight...you fly.  I am the one that has faced things head on and had to struggle SO HARD to hold it together.

I am so sick and tired of people telling me I am a strong person and I can do this!  I don't WANT to be strong!  I want to be taken care of...someone else do the tough stuff.  I want to be the one to pack my bags and leave and let someone else clean up the mess. 

but I am not that person.  I could never just walk out no matter what because I care too much about how it affects everyone.  You are just breathing a sigh of relief.  Thinking this is going to help you feel better.  It won't.  You will carry these bad feelings with you because you have let yourself down.  You have not become a better person. 

We loved you and overlooked all the mistakes YOU made.  We supported you.  Believe it or not, supporting us financially is not really supporting us.  WE are your family. 

You can't even call your son and apologize to him for telling him he is wasting his life.  You leave hurt feelings in your wake.  I lose my job and then you won't talk to me for 48 hours and then when you do you YELL at me.  Thanks.  That right there lets me know just how much I mean to you. 
Don't tell me you care and you never wanted to hurt me.  You've been hurting me off and on for 25 years.  I still cared about you.  I still tried to help you feel better in the worst times.  It is not a great feeling when you are under the gun because life has pulled the rug out from under you...and you have responsibilities.  But you hang in there and do something about it...work on it because you love your family and care what happens to them. 

Bethany IS angry at you. She wants you to know that we are not the reason for your unhappiness...she wanted you to be her dad and you just are dumping us.  That is what she told me...her feelings...how it seems to her.  And maybe the nose ring was her bit of rebellion because it is something that she knew you would not like.  I am not going to jump all over her about it because I understand.  However, I did let her know I don't like it either and she cannot act impulsively like that anymore.  Nothing she does like that is going to make her feel better or make anything any better.  Remember when you did crack?  Did that make anything any better?  no.  and you could have ended up dead. I should have just let you go...washed my hands of you but I didn't.  I came looking for you.  (yes I am bringing this up again because you really need to understand what someone does that actually gives a care about someone else).  I could not let you sink into the ground.

You pack your bags and leave.  You cannot handle life.  You are ALWAYS unhappy and make everyone else pay for it.  I never deserved the things you have said to me.  I deserved someone who loved me and made me feel like you LIKED me. 

For instance...EVERY FREAKIN YEAR there was the arguments with you over what I did with the plants outside.  You KNEW it was something I liked to do...yet, you had to make it a miserable thing for me every damn year!  I knew you liked to golf and I didn't give you a bad time about it.  I wanted to you to do something you enjoyed.  But you couldn't let me enjoy what I was doing.  Not one year. 
We couldn't even go on walks without you making it a miserable experience. You picked at the way I walked.  And the one time I got you to go for a hike with us at Charleston Preserve you picked at the kids the whole time about how slow they walked or if they wanted to sit for a moment.  Those things were supposed to be a leisurely fun experience and you sucked the enjoyment right out of them.  That right there is the reason that I resisted asking you to do anything with me or the kids ever again.  You never knew how to let someone just DO things their own way.  You could never relax and let things just flow. 

If you had at all made any of us feel like you even really cared or was happy in anyway with any of us life could have been so different.  You said you felt left out.  The above paragraph should give you some insight as to WHY. 

Yes...you are unhappy.  Always have been.  We are not the reason you are unhappy...YOU are the reason you are unhappy.  I have had to deal with your unhappiness for 25 years...and YOU have made me unhappy.  I am unhappy that I have put up with you.  I am unhappy that I allowed you to make me feel so bad about myself.  I am unhappy that I am always the one left holding the bag and trying to fight to keep my head above water.

I have made so many excuses for you in my head...you had a bad upbringing.  But DAMN IT...we were not the ones that did it to you.  You should have NEVER gotten married and had kids.  You were too unhappy and was hoping something/someone else would make you happy but you didn't know how to care.  You don't.  If you did you wouldn't be doing what you are doing now.  You are not going to be happy. 

I will be kicking myself over this marriage until the day I die.  I was just so stupid to work so hard to make you happy and I was just too naïve to realize that I couldn't.  And I brought two kids into this union that had to suffer for it also. 

I have wasted my life.  I made bad choices.  I wanted a happy family.  I am praying my kids can have happy families and futures and this life they have had only serves as a lesson in what NOT to do. 

It is amazing to me, however, that for all the crap you have done and the decisions you have made, you STILL end up with the jobs that pay you so well.  You will come out on top of the dung heap and we are struggling in your wake.

I still refuse to let go of my faith.  The devil can knock me down and trip me up and throw one blow after the other at me...but I HAVE to believe that God is going to make it better. 

And while I should turn the other cheek, for my mental and emotional health I decided I needed to not be so nice and forgiving and understanding.  I just needed to actually let you know what I thought and felt.  I am no longer giving you a 'pass' because of your past.  I am no longer tip toeing around things because of your addiction.  You packed your bags and left.  Why should I care anymore???   If you cared...even a little bit...if you really did love any of us...even a little bit...you would not have done this.

And no...I am not spewing my thoughts and anger at you in front of YOUR offspring.  They have their own thoughts and feelings and every once in a while they tell me what they are thinking or feeling about any of it.  I do not agree or disagree with them.  They are allowed to have their feelings. I also am not making excuses for you either.

You cannot outrun your unhappiness.  And no amount of anything else you may do or ingest is going to make it any better.  We loved you and accepted you for what you were.  We wanted to share our lives with you but our lives were never acceptable to you...always telling us what we should be doing different and better.  Always sure to let us know how YOU felt about things.  You even said to me one time you didn't think I loved you.  I did.  Just because you would buy me something I liked once in a while did not make me feel loved.  All I wanted was to feel like you supported me...and your words did not show it.  You were critical about everything...the plants, etc, being one case in point.  You got angry at me about not keeping a job.  Angry at ME.  I NEVER got angry at you when you lost a job.  I wasn't even angry at you when you lost that job in Cleveland because of your drug use.  I knew how much you hated that job...and I blamed myself for your
 decisions. 

WHAT A FREAKING WASTE!  All that blame I heaped on myself for everything.  and the real problem is you are not happy.

I still care about where you end up in eternity.  That's about it.

The only thing I blame myself for now it wasting my time.

#3

They say bad things happen in 3's.  I was afraid it would be my son's job. 

I got up this morning feeling 'normal' again.  Energetic, hopeful...ready to take on the day and get things accomplished.  I got on my knees and said a major prayer for TJ.  Then I went off to run some errands...get a hair cut.  I got a call from TJ letting me know he finally heard from the new job and they cleared him to come in and fill out employment papers and start work.  YES!  Things were going to change!

I had written a long email to my almost-ex-monster-spouse yesterday.  It was cathartic.  I let out ALL of my true thoughts and feelings that I had about the last 25 years and his behavior towards me and his family.  I did not send it.  Will not send it.  It just made me feel SO much better. 

Yep, things were getting better.

Then I called my mom to share my son's good news.  She answered her phone crying.  I thought my Aunt Doris had passed..she has been fighting double pneumonia.  But it was my dad.  He was rushed to the hospital with a blood clot.  It is in his leg and so big it is blocking his platelets.  His heart rate is down.  They will be operating tomorrow to put in a screen to catch the clot as it breaks up once they administer the drugs to break it up and dissolve it.

I txted AEMS to tell him that TJ was cleared to work the new job and told him about my dad.

He called me on his way home from work to ask about my dad then segued into letting me know what property he wants from the house.  I told him this wasn't the time and got off the phone.

Then, being overwhelmed with emotions and anger...I started anger txted him. For instance, I told him he should be very glad he is all the way in Wichita right now because I would slap his face right of his head.  There was a lot of other things but I guess since he now knows how angry I am then when he gets the papers he will be angry too...or shaking in his shorts cuz he knows how I am when I'm angry. 

Anger is not an emotion I am comfortable with.  I don't wear it well.  It creates some uncontrollable actions and I don't like to put myself in that place.  Really. 

I told the assistant pastor at my church that I wanted to do some writing again but I couldn't do it in this state of mind.  He told me it might be good for me to do.  I really wouldn't want to read the book that comes out of this.  However, if I start it in anger I can go back to it in a better state of mind and turn it into tongue in cheek humor.  It still might make some ppl uncomfortable. 

There are things I can think of that I said to him when I was really angry like when he complained that I was losing his socks in the laundry and that never happened when he washed his own clothes.

Please...when was the last time you even did laundry???  And what about the fact that you could have possibly dropped one while packing to leave the hotel room?  OF COURSE you didn't leave anything behind because you are too perfect for that! 

I didn't say anything like that.  What I DID say was this: "damn...you caught me.  I have been trying to drive you just a bit nutty a little at a time by throwing one sock away every once in a while.  It is my only source of entertainment."

or when he accused me of losing one of his shirts...or that his son must have it in one of his drawers.  I would go in his office closet or office or bedroom closet and TADA...there it was.  Then I told him I hid it on purpose...again...to drive him nuts.  I just wanted to know how long it would take him to notice it was missing.

Guess I won't miss those times...but it would be kinda funny in a book.

I COULD write a book about a woman married to an asshole and actually does all the stuff I've thought of that would make me giggle and drive him nuts.  Nuttier. 

Tomorrow I am going to probably post a copy of the email I wrote him but didn't send. 

One Big Headache

I have good days and bad days.  Today I am feeling very anxious.  So anxious I am immobile.  There is the depression...mixed with the anxiety.  Didn't really know you could have both at the same time.

Next week Troy will get his certified letter.  Then it will be on.

I am still filling out job apps. 

My son is having a difficult time.  He got a job offer that he really wanted.  But then they started putting him through a deep background check.  And now they are trying to decide if they do want to hire him or not because of a misdemeanor that happened 6 years ago and all he had to do was serve 40 hours of community service.  Most places are looking at felonies.  And his record has been squeaky clean for 6 years. 

He and I are both ripping our hair out.  I have to do more praying.

I have had so much anxiety throughout my life with all the packing and moving...trying to raise kids and worrying about the new schools...getting used to all the new surroundings..

Things changed drastically 2 years ago when Troy was let go from Rockwell.  I had started a job...he got a job he hated and was just angry all the time.  Then he got a job in another state and moved.  I have been reeling through it all.  And here things are going through another change.  Going from a family of 4 to a family of 3.  It is more of a legality.  but it is also something in the head.

It would be difficult on its own...but looking for a job too.  And now this thing with TJ and the job.

I guess I need to spend more time on my knees talking to God. 

My head hurts. 

4 Blood Moons by John Hagee

Better than Support Hose

I was just thinking today how great my kids are.

While everything has been stressful for them too...mom losing her job, dad wanting a divorce, my daughter taking a semester off from college and getting a job, my son getting job in his field, etc...they always took the time daily to ask me how I was doing.  And they really wanted to know.  They worried about me.  I always told them I was doing okay.  I think they knew I was not really okay but I would not show my tears or anything in front of them.   I would not admit to them how truly bad I felt. 

I had a bout of crying last night.  It was brought on by watching Marley and Me and thinking about our dogs passing away some day and I would face it by myself.

When I accomplish something each day, my kids tell me it is nice to see me moving on each day.

I made a cherry pie today.  I bought the cherries and pitted them each by hand.  My son asked me why I didn't buy frozen pre-pitted cherries or canned ones or cherry pie filling.  I told him I wanted to make it...wanted to buy fresh cherries and pit them myself.  It was worth it.  My daughter thought it was great.  I told her I had thought about txting her dad and telling him I baked a sweet black cherry pie and it was ashame he would never have any of my pies again.  He loved my pies. 

LOL  However, I don't know why I would want to do that.  I am not unhappy with us divorcing...just still kinda pissed at his timing.  No matter what he tells me, how he is feeling, what is going on with HIM, that was still pretty crappy...and to tell me in an email. 

What a guy....my children's father.  He has to carry that behavior with him through his life. 

My kids are my best supporters.  And they are going with me to a Goo Goo Dolls/Daughtry/Plain White T's concert.  Weird that we are 30-35 years apart and like the same music.  Not ALL the same music but we have some music in common.  And I am thrilled that they want to go with their old mom...they didn't hesitate. 

I am blessed with good kids.  I hope they feel blessed with a  good mom.

Im-Mobile

I had a long talk with Monster Spouse on our 25th anniversary.  I am pretty much convinced there isn't anyone else.  He says it isn't about the money...not TOTALLY convinced of that.  However, he does have some things going on in his head.  He is not happy.  He doesn't know why he isn't happy...he is just not happy.

I think he likes his job....just not where it is.  I think part of his problem is depression from homesickness.  He's been there before..so have I.  We have spent a good deal of our marriage apart.  And I told him that we all might be better off if he and I are divorced.  As long as I have some idea of what is really going on, I can move on.

One of my HS friends, that was a BIG support when Troy was off on his crack binge, told me she thinks I have a great attitude and am doing well.  She caught me on a good day. 

But really, I have no choice but to keep moving.  There are others out there that know just that.  You don't have the luxury of hiding in bed and doing nothing but cry and sleep. 

I have to keep looking for work and taking care of things around here.  My kids are adults but it doesn't mean they are grown up.  I also have 3 dogs to take care of.  3 dogs. 

I had not wanted to have pets.  I remember all the dogs and the few cats we had as I was growing up...and I remember when they died.  I do NOT like that feeling.  Then we got these dogs and I thought well at least I don't have to do it alone...I don't have to handle it alone when they die. 

Now I do.  It is this kind of stuff that keeps popping up and reminding me off all the crap I am going to deal with alone.  Although, to tell you the truth, I was dealing with a lot of stuff alone...and worse when he decided to add his two cents of criticism.  Never helped out...just criticized.

I have to keep reminding myself off all of that.  Right now, he calls me and is 'so sweet' and keeps putting money in the joint bank acct.  I don't get it...whenever he had to put money in the bank acct before he would call me and yell about it.  Now he calls me to tell me he is putting more money in the acct.  Just cuz.  Guilty conscience?    Especially about his timing. 

Maybe it is because I laid on a thick layer of 'you should feel like a piece of crap' for the first week.  Then I didn't communicate with him at all for a few days...then there was the talk.  I did not throw anything in his face.  I just talked.  We threw the past out the window and just had an honest discussion about what is going on now...

Can't change anything in the past.  There is no question that he was a lousy father.  He did a great job of earning money to keep a nice roof over our heads.  Beyond that, when it came to the emotional family stuff...forget it.  He was never happy with any of us.  I was the stupid one that did not realize that it was himself that he was really not happy with.

I have not been happy with myself for a long time but mainly because I didn't seem to do anything to make him happy. 

I am scared looking into the chasm of my future...what happens if I can't do much and end up in a hole in some hillside somewhere...like a Hobbit?

Then again...I have faith...I am just not believing because I am letting my human doubts immobilize me.