Today is one of those days to which I have been looking forward. Sunny, warm...a short work day. I am poised with wheelbarrow, shovel, plants and many bags of compost. I LOVE to dig in the dirt and plant things. I have a (maybe misplaced) sense of hope that this year I will be able to make a big difference in what the gardens will grow. I have been in a 'transition' with the gardens around this house since we moved in. Mind you, the first year I did nothing. It was August when we moved in so I just let things be as they were. I had to wait for the next spring to see what all came up and bloomed. Then I had to decide what I still wanted to keep, get rid of, move, thin out, etc. I ended up digging up and getting rid of most 5 bushes. They had gotten some weird disease and died. Once I got rid of those, then some of the other surrounding plants began to thrive again.
This year I am going to attempt flower towers for decoration along with a rock garden and the usual plants. We'll see if I have any talent.
Troy managed to get rid of our old dishwasher. He put in a new one. Much quieter. I like it. It was a major undertaking since the old dishwasher had been hard wired in and they had hooked it up using copper pipes...nothing flexible. Frankly, I was surprised he had any idea what he was doing.
Well...now...I guess I should go get busy. Time to perk up my yard!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The Unfinished
I believe in prayers being answered. The tricky part is the patience. God will work things out but it is on His timeline. And sometimes, the answers to prayers aren't what we had envisioned...or they are but some not so pleasant things have to happen in order for us to reach the answer we want/hope for/pray for.
My son, after so many years of struggling on both our parts, loneliness, confusion, medication that didn't help or made things worse, problems with his father...he is finally in a very good place. He is in a school where he is excelling and loving what he is learning and what he does. He had ppl backing him up trying to get him into a company that he can grow into his field ( radio programming/production/broadcasting) and, after many, many, many frogs, he has this most amazing girlfriend that I can see him being with for the rest of his life. The funny part about where he is headed with his career is it is not at all where he started out wanting to go but he 'accidently' found it was something he really loved.
Now I pray that my daughter has the same success.
I look around my house feeling very bad because when we bought this house not quite 5 years ago, I envisioned so many possibilities. Things we could do to make it 'ours' and comfortable to be in until we retired and THEN may want to move on. Or die here. I had thought Troy and I could work things out...and it would be okay.
Now I just feel depressed it about it all. We have not gotten any better with our relationship...there are moments but when it is just moments, then it is no better. And I spent so much time, money, energy getting a teaching degree and teaching license...and I have nothing. The best I seem to be able to do right now is a part-time $10/hr. job. Even with all of the education and job experience I have. And now it seems I will never be able to even finish what I had hoped to do with this house.
Everyone is doing well...but me. I am stuck.
My son, after so many years of struggling on both our parts, loneliness, confusion, medication that didn't help or made things worse, problems with his father...he is finally in a very good place. He is in a school where he is excelling and loving what he is learning and what he does. He had ppl backing him up trying to get him into a company that he can grow into his field ( radio programming/production/broadcasting) and, after many, many, many frogs, he has this most amazing girlfriend that I can see him being with for the rest of his life. The funny part about where he is headed with his career is it is not at all where he started out wanting to go but he 'accidently' found it was something he really loved.
Now I pray that my daughter has the same success.
I look around my house feeling very bad because when we bought this house not quite 5 years ago, I envisioned so many possibilities. Things we could do to make it 'ours' and comfortable to be in until we retired and THEN may want to move on. Or die here. I had thought Troy and I could work things out...and it would be okay.
Now I just feel depressed it about it all. We have not gotten any better with our relationship...there are moments but when it is just moments, then it is no better. And I spent so much time, money, energy getting a teaching degree and teaching license...and I have nothing. The best I seem to be able to do right now is a part-time $10/hr. job. Even with all of the education and job experience I have. And now it seems I will never be able to even finish what I had hoped to do with this house.
Everyone is doing well...but me. I am stuck.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Need a REAL Hug
I am not a physical person. It is an inherited trait. In the DNA, so to speak. Neither of my parents did a lot of hugging of usi kids as we were growing up. I know they loved us...just didn't show it physically.
I hugged and kissed my kids a lot. I still give them hugs and kisses. I just don't like other ppl glomming on me. I hate the ones you see from somewhere in your past, and you barely know them anyway...they come at you with arms wide. My mind goes into a quick 'how do I get out of this' mode.
At this stage in the game, lots of times I dodge hugs not just becuz I am not fond of getting hugged but also becuz it kinda hurts. Not a hurt that makes you want to yell, OUCH...but an irritating hurt. The nerves in my arms, between my elbows and wrists, constantly feel like I hit my 'funny bone' in my elbow. And you know, you can ignore a constant pain just so much...then once in a while, when other things are piled on top, I get snappish
All of that aside, on my job I listen to a lot of ppl complain and bitch. Then I get to come home and listen to more complaining and bitching and picking at me.
I do a lot for everyone around here. My son thanks me the most. My daughter thanks me quite a bit. Troy does thank me...but he complains a lot too. And...I would like to be told more how nice it is that I do this or that...and given a 'thank you' kinda hug.
or a 'I know today sucked, I'll give you a hug to help calm you down'.
Speaking of which, the little Jack Russel that I saved from the kill shelter turns out to have anxiety issues. How ironical (not a real word) that he would find his way into this family after all the anxiety problems I went through with my son and my daughter. When I took him for shots or to get his claws filed down, he flipped out! He barks continuously at anyone that comes in the door (won't shut up! EVER) and he still pee on things or chew up a shoe whenever he is left. So, the vet tech suggested something called 'adaptil'. I looked it up on the pet med sites and found that it not only comes on a collar that will need replaicing every month, but it comes in a spray and a plug in diffuser. So I ordered a diffuser to try it. That way it will work on all my dogs. The other two are pretty good but Max has his own kind of anxiety issues.
I wish they had a diffuser for humans that plugged in and ridded one of 'obnoxious'.
I hugged and kissed my kids a lot. I still give them hugs and kisses. I just don't like other ppl glomming on me. I hate the ones you see from somewhere in your past, and you barely know them anyway...they come at you with arms wide. My mind goes into a quick 'how do I get out of this' mode.
At this stage in the game, lots of times I dodge hugs not just becuz I am not fond of getting hugged but also becuz it kinda hurts. Not a hurt that makes you want to yell, OUCH...but an irritating hurt. The nerves in my arms, between my elbows and wrists, constantly feel like I hit my 'funny bone' in my elbow. And you know, you can ignore a constant pain just so much...then once in a while, when other things are piled on top, I get snappish
All of that aside, on my job I listen to a lot of ppl complain and bitch. Then I get to come home and listen to more complaining and bitching and picking at me.
I do a lot for everyone around here. My son thanks me the most. My daughter thanks me quite a bit. Troy does thank me...but he complains a lot too. And...I would like to be told more how nice it is that I do this or that...and given a 'thank you' kinda hug.
or a 'I know today sucked, I'll give you a hug to help calm you down'.
Speaking of which, the little Jack Russel that I saved from the kill shelter turns out to have anxiety issues. How ironical (not a real word) that he would find his way into this family after all the anxiety problems I went through with my son and my daughter. When I took him for shots or to get his claws filed down, he flipped out! He barks continuously at anyone that comes in the door (won't shut up! EVER) and he still pee on things or chew up a shoe whenever he is left. So, the vet tech suggested something called 'adaptil'. I looked it up on the pet med sites and found that it not only comes on a collar that will need replaicing every month, but it comes in a spray and a plug in diffuser. So I ordered a diffuser to try it. That way it will work on all my dogs. The other two are pretty good but Max has his own kind of anxiety issues.
I wish they had a diffuser for humans that plugged in and ridded one of 'obnoxious'.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Bubble Left of Center
It's official...it's my family. Maybe not ALL of us...but most of us.
I have an app on my android called "DriveSafe.ly" It will read my txt msgs outloud to me. I decided to put it on my phone because my kids will never call me, they will only txt AND because when I am driving, and I hear a txt msg guitar riff then I am curious as to who/what and I don't want to pull over.
The problem with it is this...I don't always remember to turn it off when I get out of the car...and might be wandering around in a store, etc, when it goes off. My younger sister txted me something kinda funny one time and I was in the produce section of the grocery store when it went off. I told her about it and, being that she has the same sadistic sense of humor that I do, she would wait until she knew I was out of work and randomly txt me stupid stuff like "my dog has been licking his butt all day" Or "look at the size of those chunkas!" She never quite caught me in a store with any of that. I thought she had given up.
Today, however, after work I stopped in the town community building to fill out a form to add us to the community garage sale map. Another woman was in there doing the same. The woman behind the counter is a very nice woman, albeit rather large. I heard the guitar riff go off, then a voice say, "Message from Missy" OH NO! I didn't turn it off...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let it be bad! I knew I did not have enough to time grab it out of the purse pocket and shut it off. Luckily the woman beside me started talking to the woman behind the counter so that neither one of them heard the android reader say, "People that large shouldn't bend over like that." Can I smack her now?
For the moment all else is quiet. I have been sick with some stomach thing...managed to make it through work. All i do is sit on ma butt...and listen to the ppl bitch. I need something more mobile to do. I really dislike sitting there all day.
Tonight Ashley is feeding my son, Bethany is sick to her stomach also and swears off eating, I am not really wanting to go there either so I will just feed his Highness...leftovers. I think he could manage that.
I have an app on my android called "DriveSafe.ly" It will read my txt msgs outloud to me. I decided to put it on my phone because my kids will never call me, they will only txt AND because when I am driving, and I hear a txt msg guitar riff then I am curious as to who/what and I don't want to pull over.
The problem with it is this...I don't always remember to turn it off when I get out of the car...and might be wandering around in a store, etc, when it goes off. My younger sister txted me something kinda funny one time and I was in the produce section of the grocery store when it went off. I told her about it and, being that she has the same sadistic sense of humor that I do, she would wait until she knew I was out of work and randomly txt me stupid stuff like "my dog has been licking his butt all day" Or "look at the size of those chunkas!" She never quite caught me in a store with any of that. I thought she had given up.
Today, however, after work I stopped in the town community building to fill out a form to add us to the community garage sale map. Another woman was in there doing the same. The woman behind the counter is a very nice woman, albeit rather large. I heard the guitar riff go off, then a voice say, "Message from Missy" OH NO! I didn't turn it off...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let it be bad! I knew I did not have enough to time grab it out of the purse pocket and shut it off. Luckily the woman beside me started talking to the woman behind the counter so that neither one of them heard the android reader say, "People that large shouldn't bend over like that." Can I smack her now?
For the moment all else is quiet. I have been sick with some stomach thing...managed to make it through work. All i do is sit on ma butt...and listen to the ppl bitch. I need something more mobile to do. I really dislike sitting there all day.
Tonight Ashley is feeding my son, Bethany is sick to her stomach also and swears off eating, I am not really wanting to go there either so I will just feed his Highness...leftovers. I think he could manage that.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Observations of a Simple Mind
Today Troy drove Bethany's car to work because he told me last night that he has a bearing going on his...he's driven it to and from work like that since last Thursday. REALLY? He said, "I called the mechanic shop and they gave me an appt for Wednesday. They said it won't hurt to drive with it that way." sheeeeeezzzze! I told him, " um...no...until it decides it's had enough! Then you might be stuck in the middle of rush hour traffic an hour from home..then what?" I drove Bethany to the school to catch the bus...then picked her up after work.
I was sitting there waiting for her and watching the boys' baseball teams and girls' softball teams show up. I made a few observations:
1) There are 2 physical types of girl softball players that I saw...the first is the skinny little ones that have longer hair and they put it up in a ponytail; the second type is the chubbier kind...they have a top knot on top of their head with some sort of stretchie head band wrapped around and are wearing slip on sandals with the adjustable band that they wear with their thick uniform socks. I do not know who they are fashioning themselves after. I just thought it was kinda funny that they separated themselves into fashions according to body type.
2) Any parents that dropped their son/daughter off had little sport decals on their cars. This is just the beginning. There is also signs that they plop in their yards. To me it is like saying "yay! my kid knows how to join in!" I remember these parents from my HS days. They would stand around with their chest all blown up with a look of importance. It wasn't even about whether or not their kid had a major eye/hand coordinated skill. Just the fact that the kid decided to join! woohoo!
It always brings back that memory of when I was in marching band. Our band was what they call a 'show band'. The band at the HS here in town is what is known as a 'Precision Marching Band'. Bethany liked it (sorry...no band symbols or signs on my car or in my yard) BUT the band at my HS was a 'show band'...we DANCED when we played. I had the best time of my life! ANYWAY...my parents never came to one game to watch me perform...and I really didn't think anything of it. I was doing it because I enjoyed it so much. It was MY thing. BUT, for a short while I was dating the center on the football team. THEN my dad came to a game...stood by the sideline with the other dads looking all proud. So, after our opening show, I went down to the sidelines to say 'hi' to my dad. He turns and says (loudly enough for the other fathers to hear) "which player is your boyfriend?" (sigh) "Mark's the center...enjoy the game" And I went back to my seat. Halftime came and I did the show...dad was gone before the players finished coming off the field at the end of 4th quarter. I finished dating the football player before the next home game.
LOL!
On to other things...
My son...found his school and his calling. He finished last semester with straight A's. First time since 8th grade! He had his own internet radio show...until the first semester ended and the school cleared out old instructors and brought in more industry relevant instructors and now one of the instructors is trying to get him a job with Cox Media (where he works) as a production assistant...so they can train him to take over some radio duties. AND he has found the best gf in the whole world...she is working as an STNA right now...has to put in a certain amount of time before the employers will pay for her to get her RN degree. She is very sweet, has common sense, extremely pretty, and is head over heels for my son. He is head over heels for her! and I just love the girl myself.
Bethany will be graduating from HS in a bit over a month. She will be attending the college TJ is at...but she will start in November. I think she will do great because she has done GREAT at the Career Tech Ctr. She is thrilled with her progress and so am I. Her instructor can't stop raving about her. She plans on going into sound production.
Tonight she was telling me about some guy from her school that is obnoxious and insulting to all of her friends but she says the worst thing he can think of to say to her is "you're short" she says, "As if this is knowledge that I don't already possess" LOL! She'll be okay!
Okay...it was nice to write about something else besides my rubble pile of a marriage.
I just hope it hasn't done something to my daughter's way of thinking. Tonight she says to me, "After what you've been through, I would NEVER get married again. I would just live with a guy and then kick him out if he got to be crappy." alrighty then. I can't see anymore relationships in my future. I am good with 'alone'.
I was sitting there waiting for her and watching the boys' baseball teams and girls' softball teams show up. I made a few observations:
1) There are 2 physical types of girl softball players that I saw...the first is the skinny little ones that have longer hair and they put it up in a ponytail; the second type is the chubbier kind...they have a top knot on top of their head with some sort of stretchie head band wrapped around and are wearing slip on sandals with the adjustable band that they wear with their thick uniform socks. I do not know who they are fashioning themselves after. I just thought it was kinda funny that they separated themselves into fashions according to body type.
2) Any parents that dropped their son/daughter off had little sport decals on their cars. This is just the beginning. There is also signs that they plop in their yards. To me it is like saying "yay! my kid knows how to join in!" I remember these parents from my HS days. They would stand around with their chest all blown up with a look of importance. It wasn't even about whether or not their kid had a major eye/hand coordinated skill. Just the fact that the kid decided to join! woohoo!
It always brings back that memory of when I was in marching band. Our band was what they call a 'show band'. The band at the HS here in town is what is known as a 'Precision Marching Band'. Bethany liked it (sorry...no band symbols or signs on my car or in my yard) BUT the band at my HS was a 'show band'...we DANCED when we played. I had the best time of my life! ANYWAY...my parents never came to one game to watch me perform...and I really didn't think anything of it. I was doing it because I enjoyed it so much. It was MY thing. BUT, for a short while I was dating the center on the football team. THEN my dad came to a game...stood by the sideline with the other dads looking all proud. So, after our opening show, I went down to the sidelines to say 'hi' to my dad. He turns and says (loudly enough for the other fathers to hear) "which player is your boyfriend?" (sigh) "Mark's the center...enjoy the game" And I went back to my seat. Halftime came and I did the show...dad was gone before the players finished coming off the field at the end of 4th quarter. I finished dating the football player before the next home game.
LOL!
On to other things...
My son...found his school and his calling. He finished last semester with straight A's. First time since 8th grade! He had his own internet radio show...until the first semester ended and the school cleared out old instructors and brought in more industry relevant instructors and now one of the instructors is trying to get him a job with Cox Media (where he works) as a production assistant...so they can train him to take over some radio duties. AND he has found the best gf in the whole world...she is working as an STNA right now...has to put in a certain amount of time before the employers will pay for her to get her RN degree. She is very sweet, has common sense, extremely pretty, and is head over heels for my son. He is head over heels for her! and I just love the girl myself.
Bethany will be graduating from HS in a bit over a month. She will be attending the college TJ is at...but she will start in November. I think she will do great because she has done GREAT at the Career Tech Ctr. She is thrilled with her progress and so am I. Her instructor can't stop raving about her. She plans on going into sound production.
Tonight she was telling me about some guy from her school that is obnoxious and insulting to all of her friends but she says the worst thing he can think of to say to her is "you're short" she says, "As if this is knowledge that I don't already possess" LOL! She'll be okay!
Okay...it was nice to write about something else besides my rubble pile of a marriage.
I just hope it hasn't done something to my daughter's way of thinking. Tonight she says to me, "After what you've been through, I would NEVER get married again. I would just live with a guy and then kick him out if he got to be crappy." alrighty then. I can't see anymore relationships in my future. I am good with 'alone'.
Monday, April 22, 2013
To Sleep...Perchance to Dream
Thank you to those of you kind enough to read and give m words of encouragement/insight. I really appreciate it...I do.
I am just so exhausted.
Irony...my job. Helping others figure out how to get over the hump and keep going. I give them encouragement, pep talks, sympathy, empathy and perhaps a little laugh. I certainly wasn't there this morning when I went off to work. But there are always lots of ppl in a worse place than me.
One poor guy called in to find out what he owed on his electric acct....his wife of 31 years had died a month ago. He worked, she worked and she took care of EVERYTHING. She paid all the bills, did the banking, cleaned, did the laundry, the cooking. And now here he is, not much older than I, and has no clue what is going on or how to do it. I was able to explain to him how to get organized, and found that his wife had signed them up to an online/paperless acct. I deleted it so he could go back to thepaper bill. I had to tell him HOW to pay his bill...since we no longer have payment ctrs of our own. It took me some time, but the poor guy had no idea...
One guy called up and wanted to talk sports with me while I was setting up his new account. He sounded like rather old...his voice. But it turned out he was a year younger than I! yikes.
And yes...I need to see a doctor. A few different kind of doctors. I need a really good endocrynologist becuz of my thyroid. I need a doctor to diagnose and treat my anxiety/depression. And I wish there was something I could do about the fibromyalgia. the nerves in my arms continuously feel like I hit my funny bone in my elbow. but I don't want to take any of those pharmaceuticals they have for the problem.
I am hoping to get out and dig in the dirt after work tomorrow. The sun and nature make me feel better.
and really...what is the interest in 'Wicked Tuna'? He watches the most random stuff. altho I must admit, I have gotten invested in 'The Deadliest Catch' and 'Duck Dynasty'.
oh...and shame on me. By trying to have a conversation about our almost non-existant relationship last night, I have ruined his happiness high about the possible new job. I just couldn't let him be happy (his words). Nope...guess that was my intention. Cuz that's what I'm all about...screwing with ppl. Believe me...I have thoughts of bazillions of ways to screw with ppl but I don't do it...cuz I believe in karma.
I am just so exhausted.
Irony...my job. Helping others figure out how to get over the hump and keep going. I give them encouragement, pep talks, sympathy, empathy and perhaps a little laugh. I certainly wasn't there this morning when I went off to work. But there are always lots of ppl in a worse place than me.
One poor guy called in to find out what he owed on his electric acct....his wife of 31 years had died a month ago. He worked, she worked and she took care of EVERYTHING. She paid all the bills, did the banking, cleaned, did the laundry, the cooking. And now here he is, not much older than I, and has no clue what is going on or how to do it. I was able to explain to him how to get organized, and found that his wife had signed them up to an online/paperless acct. I deleted it so he could go back to thepaper bill. I had to tell him HOW to pay his bill...since we no longer have payment ctrs of our own. It took me some time, but the poor guy had no idea...
One guy called up and wanted to talk sports with me while I was setting up his new account. He sounded like rather old...his voice. But it turned out he was a year younger than I! yikes.
And yes...I need to see a doctor. A few different kind of doctors. I need a really good endocrynologist becuz of my thyroid. I need a doctor to diagnose and treat my anxiety/depression. And I wish there was something I could do about the fibromyalgia. the nerves in my arms continuously feel like I hit my funny bone in my elbow. but I don't want to take any of those pharmaceuticals they have for the problem.
I am hoping to get out and dig in the dirt after work tomorrow. The sun and nature make me feel better.
and really...what is the interest in 'Wicked Tuna'? He watches the most random stuff. altho I must admit, I have gotten invested in 'The Deadliest Catch' and 'Duck Dynasty'.
oh...and shame on me. By trying to have a conversation about our almost non-existant relationship last night, I have ruined his happiness high about the possible new job. I just couldn't let him be happy (his words). Nope...guess that was my intention. Cuz that's what I'm all about...screwing with ppl. Believe me...I have thoughts of bazillions of ways to screw with ppl but I don't do it...cuz I believe in karma.
Sorting It Out
So, tonight I sat and tried to have a conversation with him about what bothers me...and if he really wants me around because he is unhappy with me.
As I figured, his excuse for things is that he works more hours than I do. He works more PAID hours than I do...as I pointed out. He does his job then comes home and is a plop in the chair. During the week I get it. I really do. But he spends the weekend channel surfing. Nothing EVER gets done. He says he helps with cooking. He used to. I have done a lot of cooking. I do everything else. He evidently is upset cuz he had to do the mowing on Wednesday. Not sure what he is bitching about. I get up everyday at 5:30 when he does...make the coffee, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, feed the dogs, get breakfast for the kids, pack TJ a lunch, get my breakfast and pack something for myself as a quick bite while everyone else is having lunch and I'm manning the phones. Then I come home and do laundry/vacuuming...cook dinner. He comes home, eats dinner and sits like a plop in the chair. He gets Wednesday at home but I still get up early to make sure the kids have breakfast...besides, the dogs want to be let out. I make the coffee...I do the same on the weekends. I don't get a break.
I will admit I am not the most energetic person. I used to be more so. I have gotten so I am more tired and lumpy than I used to be.
He says he is just not happy with his life in general. I am part of the unhappiness.
Again...I am tired of feeling badly becuz I am what I am. I didn't try hard enough? I didn't try to do the right things? I don't know. I know marriage is work but should it really be THAT much work? Should it drain you and make you feel bad? Should you have to change EVERYTHING about who you are?
Perhaps we went into this whole thing with the wrong idea about who each other was/is. yes...he let me down from the beginning. I let him down.
Just WHY are we still here? He says he wants me to go to Wichita with him...fresh start he says.
I guess my idea of a fresh start is different from his.
I just want to see things through with my kids. Make sure they get through their schooling and get out there with ppl they really do love. They are going to have a life. Then...I don't care anymore.
Sounds stupid...but I don't.
I really don't believe in anyone giving a crap about who I am...able to love me and stay that way. I guess I'm too difficult. Every relationship I have ever had...they EXPECTED me to do this...be that.
I am better alone....so the only one I can disappoint is me. And I don't care if this sounds like a pity party. Call it what you want. I feel like crying. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know what to do. I am better at encouraging others and helping them. I need someone to help me. Encourage me. But that just doesn't happen.
And I am scared because i feel so depressed, anxious...and my mind goes blank too much. I have a hard time remembering the words I want to use. and the harder I try to think...the longer it takes to remember. I am scared. I feel nothing inside. There is no passion. If some guy flirted with me, I would not feel a little thrill...I would feel nothing. I am tired. My head hurts. and my life is a pile.
I still joke with ppl. I smile. Everyone thinks like is just great with me. I am happy for my kids. I am thrilled that they are doing well and have a possibility of a good future. I am trying to make sure they make better decisions than I did.
I find it totally ironic that everyone from my past (HS and college) use these words to describe me: 'determined/smart/focused/ had a plan/ knew what I wanted/sweet' They all thought I was going to be something great. Here I am...falling apart in the middle of nowhere and nothing.
What a punch line.
You know...I can't even talk about this with my mother. I tried...but she turned it into something about her. She started wailing about 'where did I go wrong with my kids? I worked hard to make sure you had a good life...but you all have such problems! I did something wrong!" Yes mom...it is ALL YOUR fault.
She had nothing to do with my decision to marry Troy. She had nothing to do with my decisions after that. It is my life and it has all gone wrong. I was a good mom. But I almost lost my son at one point...becuz I wasn't paying close enough attention. I am sure at some point Troy will throw that in my face, also. Surprised he hasn't yet.
why bother?
As I figured, his excuse for things is that he works more hours than I do. He works more PAID hours than I do...as I pointed out. He does his job then comes home and is a plop in the chair. During the week I get it. I really do. But he spends the weekend channel surfing. Nothing EVER gets done. He says he helps with cooking. He used to. I have done a lot of cooking. I do everything else. He evidently is upset cuz he had to do the mowing on Wednesday. Not sure what he is bitching about. I get up everyday at 5:30 when he does...make the coffee, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, feed the dogs, get breakfast for the kids, pack TJ a lunch, get my breakfast and pack something for myself as a quick bite while everyone else is having lunch and I'm manning the phones. Then I come home and do laundry/vacuuming...cook dinner. He comes home, eats dinner and sits like a plop in the chair. He gets Wednesday at home but I still get up early to make sure the kids have breakfast...besides, the dogs want to be let out. I make the coffee...I do the same on the weekends. I don't get a break.
I will admit I am not the most energetic person. I used to be more so. I have gotten so I am more tired and lumpy than I used to be.
He says he is just not happy with his life in general. I am part of the unhappiness.
Again...I am tired of feeling badly becuz I am what I am. I didn't try hard enough? I didn't try to do the right things? I don't know. I know marriage is work but should it really be THAT much work? Should it drain you and make you feel bad? Should you have to change EVERYTHING about who you are?
Perhaps we went into this whole thing with the wrong idea about who each other was/is. yes...he let me down from the beginning. I let him down.
Just WHY are we still here? He says he wants me to go to Wichita with him...fresh start he says.
I guess my idea of a fresh start is different from his.
I just want to see things through with my kids. Make sure they get through their schooling and get out there with ppl they really do love. They are going to have a life. Then...I don't care anymore.
Sounds stupid...but I don't.
I really don't believe in anyone giving a crap about who I am...able to love me and stay that way. I guess I'm too difficult. Every relationship I have ever had...they EXPECTED me to do this...be that.
I am better alone....so the only one I can disappoint is me. And I don't care if this sounds like a pity party. Call it what you want. I feel like crying. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know what to do. I am better at encouraging others and helping them. I need someone to help me. Encourage me. But that just doesn't happen.
And I am scared because i feel so depressed, anxious...and my mind goes blank too much. I have a hard time remembering the words I want to use. and the harder I try to think...the longer it takes to remember. I am scared. I feel nothing inside. There is no passion. If some guy flirted with me, I would not feel a little thrill...I would feel nothing. I am tired. My head hurts. and my life is a pile.
I still joke with ppl. I smile. Everyone thinks like is just great with me. I am happy for my kids. I am thrilled that they are doing well and have a possibility of a good future. I am trying to make sure they make better decisions than I did.
I find it totally ironic that everyone from my past (HS and college) use these words to describe me: 'determined/smart/focused/ had a plan/ knew what I wanted/sweet' They all thought I was going to be something great. Here I am...falling apart in the middle of nowhere and nothing.
What a punch line.
You know...I can't even talk about this with my mother. I tried...but she turned it into something about her. She started wailing about 'where did I go wrong with my kids? I worked hard to make sure you had a good life...but you all have such problems! I did something wrong!" Yes mom...it is ALL YOUR fault.
She had nothing to do with my decision to marry Troy. She had nothing to do with my decisions after that. It is my life and it has all gone wrong. I was a good mom. But I almost lost my son at one point...becuz I wasn't paying close enough attention. I am sure at some point Troy will throw that in my face, also. Surprised he hasn't yet.
why bother?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
It is Time
It is time to use my blog to think in print...where I can visualize everything. I am at a place in my life that could mean big change.
I am tired...most of the time. I feel drained. Not quite sure where it all comes from...stress, menopause, depression...a general feeling of 'why bother'...
My marriage has had ups and downs. Mostly downs. Isn't that sad? I think it is. I have hung in there. The truth of it is (and this has come from accepting what everyone, including my in-laws have told me) if I hadn't been there for my husband, helped him get to the school he wanted to go to, constantly patting him on the back, and doing everything else around us to make things easy for him...he wouldn't have gotten his education and be working in the field that he loves.
I chose to give up my teaching career to move all around with him...to raise our kids. I am not anywhere I thought I would be in my life. He resents me for NOT having a teaching job...for staying home and raising our kids. He has not used the word 'resent'. He stopped just short of it. He said everything else. I don't know how to give anymore.
I am an empty shell. I have given everything to my kids becuz I love them so very much. I have shared with and lassoed and dragged and pushed and let go of...my kids. My son is finally a whole person with a brilliant light shining on him and in front of him. He is doing very well...and he has the most wonderful girl that, Lord willing, he will share a wonderful life with. My daughter has a lot ahead of her but she knows who she is and where she is going. She still needs some help (and she is SO easily bothered) but she will be fine.
Troy will be going off to Wichita to interview for a job that he REALLY wants. I pray, for his sake, that he gets it. I do not plan on going. It is time. It is a good place to cut the chord. It is a good time to find me and like me again.
He has gotten to a place where he does less and less. The only thing he does more of, each day, is pick at me...who I am. He talks to me as if I am brainless. He EXPECTS everything and I am feeling more like the poor, dumb hired help. And I am not being overly sensitive. And I am tired of feeling badly about who I am. I no longer feel an inner glow and happiness.
As I began this with...I am not really sure where it all comes from...why. I think it could be a just a culmination of all things in life. but do not call it a mid-life crisis...although it very well may be.
I just know I am tired and feel hollow.
I am working on finding myself a fulltime job. Something substantial enough to support me. I am looking so very forward to being without a relationship. I will have my kids around for a while longer. TJ will not finish his schooling until next March. Bethany graduates this June...then will not begin her college until November. After that she will only need one year of classes (no summer off) to get her degree in sound production. She and her friends are hoping to get a place together after that. But that remains to be seen.
I don't know how all of this is going to go. I am fairly certain that somewhere in this next year I will be on my own. And I may be scared and nervous...but I am kinda looking forward to it. It will be tough, and there will be anger and accusations. I just know that I can step out of it all knowing that I gave everything I had to give. I did more than I thought I could...and probably should. He probably feels he gave more than he should have...perhaps he did. But...it is time to throw in the towel and walk away. I need a long rest.
I am tired...most of the time. I feel drained. Not quite sure where it all comes from...stress, menopause, depression...a general feeling of 'why bother'...
My marriage has had ups and downs. Mostly downs. Isn't that sad? I think it is. I have hung in there. The truth of it is (and this has come from accepting what everyone, including my in-laws have told me) if I hadn't been there for my husband, helped him get to the school he wanted to go to, constantly patting him on the back, and doing everything else around us to make things easy for him...he wouldn't have gotten his education and be working in the field that he loves.
I chose to give up my teaching career to move all around with him...to raise our kids. I am not anywhere I thought I would be in my life. He resents me for NOT having a teaching job...for staying home and raising our kids. He has not used the word 'resent'. He stopped just short of it. He said everything else. I don't know how to give anymore.
I am an empty shell. I have given everything to my kids becuz I love them so very much. I have shared with and lassoed and dragged and pushed and let go of...my kids. My son is finally a whole person with a brilliant light shining on him and in front of him. He is doing very well...and he has the most wonderful girl that, Lord willing, he will share a wonderful life with. My daughter has a lot ahead of her but she knows who she is and where she is going. She still needs some help (and she is SO easily bothered) but she will be fine.
Troy will be going off to Wichita to interview for a job that he REALLY wants. I pray, for his sake, that he gets it. I do not plan on going. It is time. It is a good place to cut the chord. It is a good time to find me and like me again.
He has gotten to a place where he does less and less. The only thing he does more of, each day, is pick at me...who I am. He talks to me as if I am brainless. He EXPECTS everything and I am feeling more like the poor, dumb hired help. And I am not being overly sensitive. And I am tired of feeling badly about who I am. I no longer feel an inner glow and happiness.
As I began this with...I am not really sure where it all comes from...why. I think it could be a just a culmination of all things in life. but do not call it a mid-life crisis...although it very well may be.
I just know I am tired and feel hollow.
I am working on finding myself a fulltime job. Something substantial enough to support me. I am looking so very forward to being without a relationship. I will have my kids around for a while longer. TJ will not finish his schooling until next March. Bethany graduates this June...then will not begin her college until November. After that she will only need one year of classes (no summer off) to get her degree in sound production. She and her friends are hoping to get a place together after that. But that remains to be seen.
I don't know how all of this is going to go. I am fairly certain that somewhere in this next year I will be on my own. And I may be scared and nervous...but I am kinda looking forward to it. It will be tough, and there will be anger and accusations. I just know that I can step out of it all knowing that I gave everything I had to give. I did more than I thought I could...and probably should. He probably feels he gave more than he should have...perhaps he did. But...it is time to throw in the towel and walk away. I need a long rest.
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