I have been going crazy trying to find any little crack or crevice where cold air is sneaking. I may keep the weather stripping makers in business.
I sit here staring at my lighted Christmas tree wondering why I even put it up. It is me. I don't think Lucy would care if I had put it up. It is just something I have to take back down and put away.
Each school year I find myself dragging a just a bit more. I am SO thankful I work at home. Yet, I also realize that it can be a bad thing. I am afraid I would become a recluse. Winter, however, is a pretty bad time for me. SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have a special light but I never noticed any difference. I go through the winter feeling totally drained. My muscles hurt. I think it is a combination of SAD and fibromyalgia.
My friend Debbie (one of two Debbies. so this is Debbie B) messaged me about attending Celebrate Recovery last night. She worries that I am going to be that recluse. She has been after me about me recovering from mental and emotional abuse. I was rather shocked when she hit me with that. I told her I feel that I have worked through most of that and am just stuck at forgiving for how he ended it with me. She jumped on that with both feet. "He made you feel like insignificant. You are filled with resentment. You feel like you were stabbed in the back." hhhmmmmm....well...I am not FILLED with resentment but the stab in the back part. I just looked at her a minute and said, "He's moved on with another woman and lots of man toys and a big beautiful house and..." "You feel betrayed! You feel like you got the short end of the stick!" "noooot really. I don't care about the house or the woman. I am fine. That is who he is. I do not mind NOT having part of any of that because it would mean having to have him in my life." "But it still must feel like you were betrayed." Again, a moment of silent astonishment. Why is she trying to make this in to something? No.
So I gave it one more try. "The only thing that bothers me is how he treated me...like I was a one night stand that he regretted. And I know it is his make up but does that mean he should be let off the hook? However, I have to figure out a way to not let that twist me up for the rest of my life." "You need to come to Recovery! You don't have to say anything if you don't want to! Just be around your friends and listen!"
Oh yay. Listen to whine. I am trying NOT to whine anymore. However, the part about being around friends sounded nice. I know my other friend...the other Debbie (P)...goes to get over HER divorce. Debbie B is trying to pull herself out of a downward spiral of depression from working at a drug rehab facility for many many years.
BUT....last night was cold and I was tired and under a throw blanket...and it was SO easy to talk myself out of it. Nothing seems to be stronger than a lack of motivation. Stay behind me and you can draft in my wake.
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
And then the bough breaks
My ex once told me that it felt like I was always on the other side of a wall. Once he voiced that I tried to let go and open up and FEEL.
I have always had a problem of letting myself get too close to people...anyone...because you always get hurt...unless you are totally clueless. Relationships end.
My marriage ended. Truthfully I was not happy and I wanted out. I don't mind the divorce. I was honest with myself. It was the way it was ended that upended me. But one cannot be martyr forever.
He did it that way...and after 25 years I meant nothing. He could not have made that more clear. I was not anything special.
I know he is a narcissist and it is how he deals. He decides he wants to change something and doesn't want to deal with anything uncomfortable so he just cuts and runs. He's done that all of his life.
Losing other relationships is hard too. I understand why sometimes they end. Life gets in the way and everyone has their own life events that overwhelm them. Also, as people go through these events, it changes them. It may be your perspective, thoughts, beliefs...and it can change a relationship.
No matter how much I have tried to avoid endings, they always find me. Unfortunately, it affects my depression. I thought I had found something that took care of the depression problem but it only helped at first. I have friends here that understand what I am going through and have been trying to get me to join them in group but somedays I feel like all I can manage is my job during the day and then I am crippled. I realized I have been leaning on others too much and others have a large load of their own things to deal with and certainly do not need me adding to their pile.
My son is floundering also. It is no longer a matter of IF his marriage will end but WHEN exactly. I am predicting it will not last until June...and that is being way more than generous. He was packing to come here last weekend. They have been fighting for months and she is sliding down a satanic slide. I talked him in to sticking there for another week to get some things in order. I gave him a list. He agreed but he did what I figured he would do...he tried to put a patch on it just to get through Christmas. His dad is blowing into the area to see him and his sister before he lands at his mother's house for a few days. TJ is planning on following his dad to his grandmother's house then coming here for a day or 2. I am not sure how long he will stay.
He is also struggling with employment. It has been tough since he was let go from his radio news reporter gig last April. This gives me the greatest depression/anxiety of all because you want to still fix things for your kids...no matter how old they are. And you can't. I could only offer him a room and time to reset his life.
Reset your life. That's all it seems like I have been doing...trying to reset my life. Find me again.
Find relationships...lose relationships...find ME. There is no time to fall apart. You have to be strong for those around you. You have to be true to yourself. And if you are making it hard on someone else, you have to be understanding enough to walk away. It is sad when things break but you can't be part of what breaks.
There are somedays when I just want to lie in bed under the blanket and not come out for months.
I have always had a problem of letting myself get too close to people...anyone...because you always get hurt...unless you are totally clueless. Relationships end.
My marriage ended. Truthfully I was not happy and I wanted out. I don't mind the divorce. I was honest with myself. It was the way it was ended that upended me. But one cannot be martyr forever.
He did it that way...and after 25 years I meant nothing. He could not have made that more clear. I was not anything special.
I know he is a narcissist and it is how he deals. He decides he wants to change something and doesn't want to deal with anything uncomfortable so he just cuts and runs. He's done that all of his life.
Losing other relationships is hard too. I understand why sometimes they end. Life gets in the way and everyone has their own life events that overwhelm them. Also, as people go through these events, it changes them. It may be your perspective, thoughts, beliefs...and it can change a relationship.
No matter how much I have tried to avoid endings, they always find me. Unfortunately, it affects my depression. I thought I had found something that took care of the depression problem but it only helped at first. I have friends here that understand what I am going through and have been trying to get me to join them in group but somedays I feel like all I can manage is my job during the day and then I am crippled. I realized I have been leaning on others too much and others have a large load of their own things to deal with and certainly do not need me adding to their pile.
My son is floundering also. It is no longer a matter of IF his marriage will end but WHEN exactly. I am predicting it will not last until June...and that is being way more than generous. He was packing to come here last weekend. They have been fighting for months and she is sliding down a satanic slide. I talked him in to sticking there for another week to get some things in order. I gave him a list. He agreed but he did what I figured he would do...he tried to put a patch on it just to get through Christmas. His dad is blowing into the area to see him and his sister before he lands at his mother's house for a few days. TJ is planning on following his dad to his grandmother's house then coming here for a day or 2. I am not sure how long he will stay.
He is also struggling with employment. It has been tough since he was let go from his radio news reporter gig last April. This gives me the greatest depression/anxiety of all because you want to still fix things for your kids...no matter how old they are. And you can't. I could only offer him a room and time to reset his life.
Reset your life. That's all it seems like I have been doing...trying to reset my life. Find me again.
Find relationships...lose relationships...find ME. There is no time to fall apart. You have to be strong for those around you. You have to be true to yourself. And if you are making it hard on someone else, you have to be understanding enough to walk away. It is sad when things break but you can't be part of what breaks.
There are somedays when I just want to lie in bed under the blanket and not come out for months.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Listen up
I have gone through a lot of changes and inner rearranging.
I have been feeling better about myself in a lot of ways. While I know I am definitely not perfect, and I sometimes react badly to some things and people, I will not beat myself up over it.
I love my mother. She has always been there for us. She has sacrificed for all of us. But has always had a desire to have things a certain way. She has her opinions about things and they are always the right and only ones. She manipulates. It has been a fine line with my mom.
Then I married the narcissist. It was a constant struggle trying to hold my ground and not be totally undermined. I have let that marriage and what he is sink in in stages. The latest stage is realizing that he never loved me...didn't really like anything about me...I was just someone that was an inconvenience in his life. All because I made a choice. And then I made another choice. My kids. I stayed to protect them. I know some people think that was not a REAL choice to make but I could not let my kids spend weekends being tortured by him (psychological but there was some physical acting out) with no one there to help them.
It took quite a while for me to feel comfortable with myself and realizing that I am capable.
I have come to know myself quite well and like making my own decisions. They may not always be the best but I know what works for me. I may be wired a bit differently from everyone else.
My mother seems to be, at 85, beginning that dementia dive that her siblings did. She called me the other day and told me, in a very angry tone, all the things that are wrong with family members and what my kids should be doing and what I should tell them....to which I told her that I am not telling my adult kids what decisions they should make about things in their lives.
And I don't like be told with whom I should associate...at my age. I went through this already with her when I was a teenager.
I am not sure I am ready to handle this. I laid in bed for hours this morning just realizing "I am alone". My older sister TELLS me what to think and do, also. I ignore her. I can't discuss things with anyone anymore without them telling me how I am wrong...what I should think...do...and while I can ignore some of them...this is not where I wanted to be.
I have been feeling better about myself in a lot of ways. While I know I am definitely not perfect, and I sometimes react badly to some things and people, I will not beat myself up over it.
I love my mother. She has always been there for us. She has sacrificed for all of us. But has always had a desire to have things a certain way. She has her opinions about things and they are always the right and only ones. She manipulates. It has been a fine line with my mom.
Then I married the narcissist. It was a constant struggle trying to hold my ground and not be totally undermined. I have let that marriage and what he is sink in in stages. The latest stage is realizing that he never loved me...didn't really like anything about me...I was just someone that was an inconvenience in his life. All because I made a choice. And then I made another choice. My kids. I stayed to protect them. I know some people think that was not a REAL choice to make but I could not let my kids spend weekends being tortured by him (psychological but there was some physical acting out) with no one there to help them.
It took quite a while for me to feel comfortable with myself and realizing that I am capable.
I have come to know myself quite well and like making my own decisions. They may not always be the best but I know what works for me. I may be wired a bit differently from everyone else.
My mother seems to be, at 85, beginning that dementia dive that her siblings did. She called me the other day and told me, in a very angry tone, all the things that are wrong with family members and what my kids should be doing and what I should tell them....to which I told her that I am not telling my adult kids what decisions they should make about things in their lives.
And I don't like be told with whom I should associate...at my age. I went through this already with her when I was a teenager.
I am not sure I am ready to handle this. I laid in bed for hours this morning just realizing "I am alone". My older sister TELLS me what to think and do, also. I ignore her. I can't discuss things with anyone anymore without them telling me how I am wrong...what I should think...do...and while I can ignore some of them...this is not where I wanted to be.
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