True Colors

Today was not how I had planned.  It never is but today was even MORE unplanned.  First the sink started backing up.  So, I quickly took care of that then I noticed something wrong with the fridge.  The freezer...things were not so frozen.  Crap!  The condenser that I had replaced less than 2 years ago quit.  damn it!  So I started moving things down to the freezer in the basement and thankfully the weather is really cold so I put a lot of the food in the fridge in a box and took it out to the sunroom where it can be kept cold.

Then I took to the internet to consider my options.  I could have Sears repair come here and hook up another condenser (and that job takes the good portion of the day, it seems).  It would be cheaper than a new fridge.  BUT, if it turns out they don't have all the parts they need then it could mean ordering parts and waiting ...and there is only a 90 day warranty on the thing working!  If I remember correctly, last time they quoted me a price tag of close to $800.

So then, I look for fridge sales.  I found a fridge for $900.  Not exactly like the one I have now, slightly smaller and it is a side by side with the indoor water and ice dispenser.  Bethany and I use a lot of ice and drink a lot of water.  And since it is just the two of us a slightly smaller fridge could be okay.  The one I have now would be very costly to replace with an identical one.  The one I have has the freezer drawer on the bottom.  And the ice maker is inside.  I don't care about that but...I am not fixing this fridge again only to have it go up on me right before I sell the house.  My mom and dad have had the same side by side fridge for years with no problems. Sometimes new fangled is not necessarily better.  So, I took the plunge with the new fridge. There goes my Christmas bonus and my Christmas money from my parents...and then some.

The TV started acting up.  It does this blinking thing when you turn it on.  It will eventually quit but now is the time they are having TV sales too.  I don't want to wait until the TV finally takes a dump.  Didn't want the expense of another TV but ...I ordered one and now I have that to make payments on too.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Since I can't sleep, Bethany stayed up and talked with me until 4 a.m.  We had a good talk.  We got the air cleared about a lot of things.  One thing I have been feeling kind of crappy about it wondering how she feels when I talk about selling this place and moving back up north. She said it will be weird not having me around but she has had time to process it and it is not as if I am just leaving her abruptly. She has Jordan and they work things out pretty well.  I think TJ and Brit are going to be fine, also.  She said she will IM with me, phone me, text me, etc. like I do with TJ.  I will at least have a place for them to come take mini vacations.  It will be fine.

I realized I am in a holiday depression.  I have tried denying it but it is here.  I look at the tree and think about the family Christmases.  And remember the feeling it brought me.  But now it is different because I know that he didn't really love me and it puts a different color on it all.  I loved how Christmas was because he was always at his best.  There was music and traditions and anticipation.  When it came to an end I always had that expectation that there would be many more and one day, our kids would be married and we may have grandkids to share Christmas with....

But it is all different.  I hate that I am depressed by it.  It makes me feel weak.  Even though I know it is a process that everyone goes through.  I hate that my life with him was filled with so much change.

I grew up in the same home. Every year was the same thing.  Well...my parents expanded on Christmas through the years but it was still the same.  You knew what to expect.  With us the Christmas was in so many different places.  One Christmas we had the dread of our son's trial looming over our heads.  Because of a girl that wanted to find a way to put him in jail because she was angry that he had rejected her.

One Christmas we thought their dad was gone for good...drugged up on crack.  But he showed up right before Christmas and it was a mottled thrown together Christmas as it was.  I didn't have much money for presents so I did the best I could.

He tried to make up for it after that.  He bought them way more than they needed.  Looking back, now, I am not sure he was trying to make up for that or if he would have done it anyway because he likes to spend money at Christmas.

I cannot see what my future is going to be like.  I cannot see me with anyone else.  I imagine me alone.  I may like the person I found within me, again, but I don't know if I have a heart to share anymore.  Trust is such a delicate, fleeting thing.  I am not even sure I trust myself, let alone someone else.

I watched the last part of 'Serendipity" with Bethany.  I told her I loved that movie at one time because I believed in it.  Now I think it is a stupid story.

My perspective on life, in general, has changed.  Everything is a different color.

Deafening Quiet

I can't sleep.  Most nights.  I am exhausted.  I crawl into bed, read, then as my eyes start to close, I turn off the light and snuggle under the covers then it hits me.  My mind does a tour of this house.  From room to room.  Down the hallways.  There is nobody but me.

Bethany spends most of her time at work or at Jordan's.  It is just me.  Sure, there's 3 dogs.  But no other humans but me.

I think back to my youth, my much younger years.  I had many dates.  Many boyfriends.  How ironic that I ended up by myself. 

During the day, I am busy.  I don't notice my aloneness.  But at night...the emptiness mocks me.  It pokes at me.

It wasn't so long ago the kids had friends that came and practically stayed for the weekend.  The dinner table was full.  Now...I am here in this house...alone. 

I know I am not helping myself by being such a recluse.  I don't know why I can't make myself get out there. 

I hope that will change within me someday. 

My kids have a whole lifetime ahead of them.  They can have their own families.  Fill their homes. 

I could handle the empty nest syndrom if I wasn't doing it alone.  I was prepared for them leaving.  And I am good with 'him' gone.  I just didn't realize that 'alone' would be so difficult.

TJ and Brit dropped the purchase of the double wide manufactured home.  Too many things weren't working.  But they found a really nice 2 bdrm apartment to move into.  His dad is going to be in the area and is going to help do some moving.
So...there's that.  Yay. 

He is a stranger to me now.  25 years of marriage and 2 kids.  He's a stranger.  When it hits you that he never really cared...it alters everything.

Appetizers and Drinks

I finally got out of the house last night.  Jean contacted me and said we needed a night out.  So we met up at Applebee's and had appetizers and drinks.  Neither one of us were in the mood for a real dinner.  Then we ordered the Blonde but ate only half of it.  Should have not ordered that.

Through education we have both been able to get through a lot of our hurt suffered at the hands of the ones we had married.  Nothing is personal with a Narcissist because they have no feelings...nothing deep and meaningful.  Because of that they cannot have real relationships and that is why nothing they do is personal.

We both discussed, though, that we still had a knot of bitterness that we needed to work through.

I could not sleep well.  I fell asleep about midnight and was awake at 4 with heartburn...thanks to the Blonde.  Too much sugar gives me heartburn.

But since I was awake, I did some contemplating and talking to God.  I do not want to be a bitter person.  It gets in the way of being a real Christian.  It gets in the way of me healing and being the best me I can be.

Then it occurred to me...nothing is personal.  Jean and I both struggled with the fact that we had done everything right yet we got dumped on.

So, let's go back to those bracelets that everyone wore not too long ago...WWJD.  I am not comparing myself to Jesus but you do have to compare your life to what Jesus would do.  Jesus did everything right.  And he was persecuted and killed.

So THEN it occurred to me:  I DID do everything right.  God guided me and was with me.  I was just aligned with a personality disordered person that there didn't seem to be any fix for.  I am not saying that God can't 'fix' him, but it will be a minor miracle.  However, I should not walk away bitter.  I did everything right.  I am not the mentally messed up one.  I was just living with a mental patient and I got the blow back.  God has helped me through it.  He is helping me everyday.

Therefore, I should not be bitter.  I can lament that I did not have a happy marriage and I ended up in a divorce but...I can also look forward to a better future.

I do not know what is down the road but I know it will be something good.

I have decided that I really need to step up efforts to do something about my body weight.  It makes me unhappy.  So I really need to concentrate on that now that my mental and emotional self is doing better.

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As far as family, Bethany is still doing her thing at college.  She is trying to figure out which direction she wants to take as she will eventually go on to get her Bachelor's Degree.  She is thinking about research.  I hope she figures it out.  I told her to pray on it and she will receive direction.

Brit started a new job as a Pre-K teacher's assistant and she said she really liked it.  It may help her make her decision about getting a certification in Early Childhood Education.  Luckily that is only a 2 year degree.

TJ is doing his job and writing a book. I do not know what the book is about because he has not shared that much with me.

They also have started the paperwork to buy the big 2 bedroom manufactured house.  It has 2 bathrooms and a large kitchen.  He says they will be more relaxed there and can be in that place for at least the next 5-6 years while they save for a house.  Even if they start a family, they have the extra bedroom and a yard for the kid to play in.  The moving part is what is going to be tricky.  They have to be out of their apartment by the first full weekend in January.  At least I will not be the only one moving them this time.  Brit's dad and step brother will be helping.