Introductions are in Order

I couldn't sleep tonight.  No reason that I know of.  I have those nights.

I got up and I melted some butter and grabbed a hard roll and poured a partial glass of red wine.  I put on a movie and dipped the roll, chewed on it, drank my wine and contemplated me...who I am, what I like...why.

I am jokes and joy.  I look for the sunshine.  I like to joke and laugh.  I like a happy raucous mess.

I grew up in a house where things were intense yet my parents always made time for family things.  They scrimped and saved and bought a used RV.  We went on trips.  My mother would plan meals, can ingredients.  Then we would pack and take off.  We traveled out to California a couple of times.  We went to Florida at least 3 times, if not more.  The one time we went to California we took a northern route and stopped at many places along the way.  South Dakota, Wyoming, Idaho...down the Pacific coast...stopping in San Francisco.  Then on to my aunt's house and Walt Disneyland.  We stopped at other places on the way home in Nevada, Arizona, etc.

My mother was/is an intense person who worked hard, and controlled. She spoke her mind and sometimes it didn't come out too kind.  She drove my dad because if left to his own devices he would do something like, oh, I don't know, REST.

My sisters...my oldest one has been through a lot, mainly from bad friends and bad choices.  My youngest sister, while having a lot of things in common with me, insulated herself from everyone and played a guilt game on everyone.  My brother just separated himself from the family.  He still does.

My oldest sister criticizes everyone and everything.  She can't relax and be happy.

My youngest sister and I share a weird sense of humor and can sit on the phone playing off of each other for the longest time.  Then there is the other side of her...where she will complain about some of the most absurd things and if you offer her some advice she comes back with some reason why that won't work/help.  So, we all quit and just let her say what she is going to say.  You want to help in some way because you know she is overwhelmed but she has that terrible piece of personality that she inherited from our mom...just like me...where you get stubborn and have decided you can do it all without any help...to accept help is weakness.

My youngest sister and I also share weird likes.  We both love the smell of Vicks Vapo Rub.  We like to rub some under our noses at night.

We are also addicted to bread.  She told me the other day that she loves bread so much that she has thought of buying herb infused oil and sit and dip bread in it and eat that for dinner...perhaps lunch and breakfast too.  I like bread...just not that much.  However, I do love crusty rolls.  I like the chewy crust.

My mother never liked to have our friends around the house.  Too much noise.

I wanted a house full of laughter.  And sometimes I get that.  My kid's friends...and we laugh.  And we do it freely now and make noise.  It can be chaotic and raucous and I like it.

I also like the calm that comes afterwards.  I hate to see my son leave but I have heard too many loud voices from him and his fiancee.  I don't want to hear any more arguing.  I heard yelling in the house when I was growing up.  I was always on edge wondering when my mom was going to go off because something wasn't done or done right.

My older sister did say once that they only laughed and had a good time when I came home to visit (after I had moved out on my own to a job and apartment an hour and a half away).  As we have gotten older my mother loves it when we are all around the table and we start picking and joking with each other.  Funny how that happens.  She didn't like the noise when we were younger...now she wants to hear it from us.

I want to dance and sing and laugh.  I want to hear happiness in my house.  I want to eat bread and sniff Vicks.  I want to talk a mile a minute and be silly like Gilmore Girls.

I want a guy that smiles about it all and wants to join in.  I want a guy that will just stop and give me a hug as he is walking by on his way to do something important.  He will take a deep breath and say, "you smell nice."  A guy that will throw his arm over me at night as I sleep.

I may want too much.  But it's a plan.