Regrowth

Out of everything Evil Spawn ever did for me or to me, the best gift was that email he sent me telling me his reasons for wanting a divorce.  It's all bullshit.  I know it.  He was just trying to give me some 'reasons' and, as he always has, put the blame on me.  And, as before, he expected me to swallow it and ask for more.

All it did was make me sit and mentally go through our marriage and remember all those things he did that made me feel like less.  He was emotionally abusive and I took it.  I let him change me.  I devalued myself. 

A lot of people expect me to just bounce back...be strong and wise and joyful.  But I have a lot of work to do on myself.  I need to forgive myself for hanging on for so long...for making so many excuses for why I stayed....for not having faith in myself to be able to go out and make it on my own...for feeling so sorry for him that I believed that I could make a difference. 

I used to get upset with my older sister because she would knock herself out with losers by trying to make herself indispensable to them. She would do things for them...worm her way into their lives.  They didn't respect her for it and she got on their nerves by being there all the time cleaning their house, cooking for them, etc.  The guy she's married to now I am not sure they even love each other. They just lean on each other...he gave her a house to redo and she has someone else there to help her with the physical labor and they both pay the bills.  They don't even sleep on the same floor of the house...he sleeps downstairs, she sleeps upstairs.  She makes sure to have his dinner ready as soon as he comes in the door from work, no matter what time that is. She works, too.  Who makes dinner for her?  He comes home, sits in the chair in front of the TV, after grabbing a few beers to sit by the chair, she brings him his dinner, he falls asleep in the chair later.  She does all the laundry, and, until a couple years ago, did all the lawn and landscaping. He now takes care of the mowing.  He used to go sit at his once boss's house and get drunk many evenings and she would have to go 'fetch' him and bring him home.

My younger sister is married to a guy that works hard and works hard at home.  It isn't until lately that I have worried about their marriage.  She has become lazy and depressed and is always anxious.  He has been getting short tempered with her a lot.  I worry about it.  They have 3 young girls...the oldest one is 14, the youngest is 7.  I think she has become anxious about her marriage since ES divorced me.

I have been a combination of my sisters.  However, since that email from Evil Spawn, it did something to me.  After I took a mental trip through my 25 year marriage I have decided that he is nothing but a self centered, narcissistic, emotionally abusive ass and I do not care what he feels or what happens to him.  He never cared about me.  I am done.  I am no longer angry at him...he was just being himself and I did not acknowledge what he really was.  I am no longer going to allow him to bully me into taking on the blame or the shame for anything.  When he comes here to pack and take away the rest of his stuff, if he tries to take something that was not specifically mentioned in the divorce papers, I will not back down.  Screw him. 

And as for me thinking that once I get on my own two feet and can handle the bills...that I will allow him to quit paying alimony...screw that too.  He can pay for the full 5 years. 

I am in the process of regrowing my backbone.   It will be long and sometimes painful.  But he will find that I am not that person he bullied and took it.  I am once again that person that I was about 3 decades ago.  I will not take crap from anyone.

Thanks for the Memories

Dear Troy:

 I read your explanation of why YOU decided to divorce ME.  And while I can acknowledge your point of view and your feelings, and I sat here feeling sad and bad for a while thinking of how I was the reason for the whole thing ending…I then started thinking about all of it.  And it is AMAZING that we were married as long as we were.

My view point:  You never listened to me either.  I told you how I felt so many times and you did nothing about it.

Conneaut:  You hold it against me that I did not like hanging out with your drunk, high friends.  It didn’t seem to bother you to go off to one of their houses on a Friday night or a Saturday and I wouldn’t see you until the next day.  And TJ….I told you about him waiting for you to come home and spend some time with him.  He would ask me over and over again “When’s daddy coming home?”  And you never changed anything about it. 

In Arkansas…yes, I was depressed and I quit having sex with you.  I was depressed because I was there at home with the kids and when you did have time to spend with me, you spent it over at Isla’s or someone else’s home.  You would go to parties at Isla’s with people I didn’t know…drinking lots of alcohol, there were females there that I didn’t know…you were in the hottub with some of them (you told me about some of that) and I don’t know what all went on there.  You didn’t seem to mind doing that.  If it had been the other way around would you have been so happy to stay at home with the kids while I went off to someone else’s house all the time…to parties…without you?  It hurt.  It hurt me all the time.  Then you got mad at me for leaving you in Arkansas.  Why shouldn’t I?  It didn’t feel like you even cared if we were there.  You had your friends and parties. 

Then the drug business in Austinburg.  Nope.  I am going to quit shouldering the burden for that.  I had no idea what was going on.  Then when I finally got someone to tell me…talk about shocked!  It broke TJ’s heart.  I was awake all night every night…on vigil with a knife, stun gun, and baseball bat never knowing if some drugged up person was going to come to our home and try and break in to steal something.  I am not referring to you. 

TJ lost all respect for you right at that junction.  It was a hard pill for him to swallow when you came back and were trying to be the father figure again.  And you got mad at him for that.

There are things that we should respect you for…working all these years to support us.  We did have some good times but most of them that I can think of were all after we moved to our present city.

As I said, it is amazing we were married as long as we were.  You broke my heart so many times.  And I let you.  I never had the strength to stand up on my own two feet.  I kept taking you back.

So…for you to tell me that YOU were unhappy…and for the reasons you told me for YOUR unhappiness…

And looking back at all of this…I now am understanding why I pulled back from you.  I lost all trust that you even loved me.  You wanted to be the one to tell everyone what to do and you got so angry when I made my own decisions.  I am NOT stupid.  I can figure a lot of things out for myself.  I just can’t figure out why I thought I loved you all of this time.  I guess I didn’t have much respect for myself.  I didn’t have any faith in myself that I could support my kids on my own…that I could make it.

I still don’t have much faith in myself but I will do something. 

And to think I made sure you got to go to school.  And you, with everything you have done, is sitting there with a job that will give you a lot of money to support YOURSELF.  I at least thought I would have a life that I could breathe easier at the end of it because you had made it.  But your making it has done me no good.  When you get to the best part, I get dumped.  Typical.  And I get to start all over with the struggle. 

While I can acknowledge how I put up walls with you, and how I cut you off so much, you have never acknowledged your part in why I did that.  You have never ONCE acknowledged that you didn’t treat me right either by going off for weekends to Rodney’s or Bill’s, etc.  You tried to blame that on me…cuz I didn’t pay attention to you.  Maybe if you had paid attention to ME we could have liked spending time together.  But it was easier for you to go out the door.

Then you say that YOU felt shut out.  I felt shut out of YOUR life for so very long.  It seemed like your good time with your friends always came before me.  I never felt like I mattered to you.  Yes, you worked hard and supported your family but there was so much more to it than that.  I felt like I was just someone there for you to get mad at and feel like I was just a thorn in your side.  THAT is how YOU made ME feel.  For too long. 

As for the hugs always turning into something…yes, just a hug where you held me and told me, REALLY told me, you loved me and how much you loved me.  I needed that because of all the years of you being mad at me…because I didn’t do things exactly the way YOU thought I should.

And disrespect?  REALLY?  All it comes down to is you have this idea of what ‘a man’ should be.  You TELL everyone what to do and we have to do it just your way on your time.  No…’a man’ actually takes the feelings and thoughts of others into consideration.  We would have been way more loving with you if you ever acted like you even gave any of our thoughts or feelings some consideration.  You wanted it all your way all the time. 

So, now that I got your point of view…you wanted to just step in and out of our days and have it your way.  Then complain if we left you out and didn’t respect what you said…when you didn’t do any of that for us.  You didn’t know HOW to love a wife.

And now, I can only be mad at myself for not leaving you so much sooner.  And hanging on to some fantasy that we could ever actually be the loving married couple I had envisioned from the beginning. 

I made excuses for you and your behavior.  I made the excuses because of your upbringing.  What you went through. I never should have made excuses for my behavior…for accepting less…for being treated like I didn’t matter.

And now what it comes down to is me trying to forgive myself for staying with someone that didn’t treat ME like I should have been treated.  This is going to be a big thing for me to do.  So, you sit there and lick your wounds like I treated you so very badly.  I treated you badly by being there for you all of these years when you didn’t deserve a woman that would hang in there with you.  You didn’t deserve someone that was faithful and loving.  Someone who stuck by your side no matter what you did.

I deserved to love MYSELF better than that.   I deserved someone that wanted only to be with ME and friends came second.  Someone who made me feel like I was worth everything to them.

As for you telling me you don’t know when you became unhappy…you never really acted like you ever were.  Still trying to figure out why you kept coming back.  I know I kept trying to believe in that happy family…I worked SO HARD to try and make everyone happy.  The kids are good.  I was fighting a losing battle with you.  But, you are 50 years old and what I never realized was there was no way I could make you happy.  Nothing I could do. 

So, I have to get my brain and heart to accept that my happily ever after was never going to happen.  I don’t know WHY I EVER expected you to own up to all that you did to me…all the things you did to hurt me.

“I think only of the good times.”  That is what someone does when they don’t want to acknowledge their own guilt. 

I own what I might have done to make you unhappy.  I admit it.  You never will.  Because you never saw anything wrong with anything you did.  You just want to shrug it off and keep going.  As for you trying to change…good luck with that.

Being Responsible and Guarding Your ID

Even when you think you have the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...there is always something lingering.

I took a few days and went back 'home' to see some friends that I neglected seeing and spending time with for a long time.  My mother and my oldest sister always demanded my attention when I was up there.  Visits are always too short.  But this visit was different.  I got to spend time with a couple of friends...one from the church I used to attend with Evil Spawn, and the other friend from a job I used to have.  Debbie and Karen, respectively.

Debbie and Ross have been divorced for almost 3 years.  I did not realize that time had gone by that fast.  And I did not know Ross was as bad as he was...so morally bankrupt.  Like Evil Spawn he went to church every Sunday, helped out with lots of things there.  But outside the church he lived a different life.  He is one of those people that must think that just because you go to the church on Sunday, it gets you a pass into Heaven.  It all goes in one ear and out the other.

I like Debbie...she is bubbly and smiles through everything.  She is naïve.  She has taken too many people for face value and too ready to accept people into her life that end up ripping her up...and she never really listens to what is behind the words.  She is the kindergartner on her first day of school wanting to be everyone's friend...and they steal her lunch.

Karen is so much the opposite.  Karen was beaten by her first husband and she left him only to end up marrying Jim.  Jim was over powering.  He was mean but never beat her.  He was controlling and it seems, as the kids got older, he started bringing low life women back to the house (bed, hot tub) while Karen was at work.  She put up with it for whatever reason.  She knew as the youngest child graduated, Jim was going to divorce her.  She said for at least the last year, they lived in the same house without speaking to each other.  Jim was a fire fighter.  And one day, he went to work and never came home.  He died of a massive heart attack.  And he left her a HUGE life insurance policy.  She was suddenly free with a pile of money.

She kept her job at the courthouse because she says it gives her somewhere to go and something to do.  She married an old HS bf of hers that is sweet to her, does anything for her, is a contractor who doesn't always have work but she says he doesn't need to...she has money and can take care of herself.  They bought a big house, he remodeled and upgraded the inside and she is happy with her life.  Yet, she says, she does not really trust the happily ever after part.  She is always waiting for something to change about her husband...that he will become mean and they will be done.  I can understand her feeling that.

On the drive home I have too much time to think.  And for some reason it occurred to me why I am having such a difficult time moving on. 

In one week I lost 2 jobs.  The first job was one I hated.  I corrected my supervisor too many times and one of those corrections got the attention of HIS supervisor.  So, my supervisor was moving to another dept. and he was bound and determined to take me out before he left.   And he did.

Then a week later I lost my 25 year job.  I had a difficult time when I stopped teaching to follow him for his career.  Being a teacher was part of my identity.  Then for 18 years my identity was his wife and mother to my two kids.  I wrapped myself up in that.  I put them first.  I constantly thought about and worried about them all.  Now I have to redefine my life.  I have to find my identity.  I can't slowly ease into it. 

But he said that we had grown apart. We were two different people.

To tell you the truth, we weren't that different while he was here and going to church.  Yes, he was controlling and self centered but I could be too.  NO...I am not letting him off the hook for anything.

So, I told him that...we had seemed to be fairly the same person while he was here and going to church.  (I know he was lying and sneaking behind my back but he denies I know anything).  And I told him that in order for me to be able to move forward and get over losing my identity, he needs to explain to me how we grew apart and what made us so different.  He said it.  He must be able to explain it.

I sometimes think that people like him go off and get off scot free with just a wave of the hand a shrug of the shoulder way too easily.  If they have to explain...think it through...back up their words...that the by explaining it will make them actually stop and take a look at their cavalier adoption of self centered behavior and impulsive decisions. Off course, they have bankrupt thinking and nothing will most likely change any of it.

I know what happened.  He went off to another state, realized there was no one there to be accountable to for his choices, found a bunch of immature, irresponsible divorced guys that liked to get drunk and party and he thought, "I can do whatever I want to...and as long as she isn't here, I don't have to feel guilty."  But, he did feel a bit of guilt.  It is what caused him to make things as easy as they could be for me....I get the house, his retirement CD, alimony...and he pays the taxes.

His tax bill is outrageous.  I am convinced if he went to a tax professional and let them do it, it would not be so bad BUT he is not wanting to part with the price of a tax professional (about $100) in order to save himself a few thousand!!  But...that is what I had to work with for 25 years.  I worked to make him think things through...think straight...and I failed.  I was not a good enough mother. 

On another note, I took Bethany to her old college to do her withdrawal paperwork and lo and behold they gave her a check for my over payment!  It covered the cost of my new battery in my car with a bit extra.  Liz, the one that takes care of financial aide and the paperwork, hugged me and told me she was going to miss me.  She told me that I am someone and I am going to be just fine...not to let 'that man' make me less.  She said she would miss our talks. 

I like Liz.  I don't remember too many talks with her...mostly in her office...both of the kids went to that school.  But she took a liking to me.  Bethany was laughing and she said, "She sure does like you! She was always asking me how you were and she liked it when you dropped in."

I sat and took stock today of the people that genuinely seem to like me.  They are happy to see me.  The ones that think I am smart, sweet, etc. and they like to spend time with me.  I need to listen more to those voices BUT somehow the voice of the one that I took care of, shared a bed with and shared my inner most thoughts and secrets with for 25 years is louder than all of them.  He keeps telling me to think of the good things between us.  Why?  He didn't.  If he had, we WOULD have gotten along better, I would have meant more to him, I would have seemed smart and sweet and he would have been so happy to spend time with me. 

What I need to think about is all the people that think so highly of me.  The ones that like to be around me.  Of course that doesn't cuddle up next to me at night...give me a hug when I am lonely or something hurts me but, I guess, it will help me find my identity.

Leggo My Ego

I really do believe in prayers being answered.  If I pray and really listen for the answer, it comes. 

I needed to get everyone else's voices and opinions out of my head.  I have friends/people that care about me.  Between that and preconceived notions about divorce and experiences with divorce...there has been a lot of things thrown around about my divorce.  I let my ego get in the way and I listened to the rotten inner voice and the thoughts other people had about my divorce. 

But then, my older sister was brutal with me...mainly because she was in a rotten mood and she just wanted to get it over with.  And God took Dawn's voice in my head and yelled, "Get real!  Just be real...honest."

So here it is. 

Neither Troy nor I had thought we would be the marrying kind.  Then, for whatever reason, we married each other.  Neither one of us actually let go of what we liked about being single.  I think I just accepted my 'role' as a wife and mother better than he accepted his role as husband and father. 

I realized I felt more like his mom than his wife.  I was always taking care of things and him.  He worked and supported us.  He realized he didn't really love me.  And I finally admitted that somewhere along the line I fell out of love with him too.  In fact, most times I didn't even like him.  I was in love with the idea of a happy family.  I was in love with the idea of having a happy long life with that special someone in my life...even though I still had a difficult time with compromising and having to work around someone else and their feelings. 

He would self destruct but I have to quit taking it personally.  He would have done it regardless of me.   I always felt responsible...like if it wasn't for me being there and if he didn't have a family he wouldn't have felt so unhappy/under pressure and then self destructed.  In actuality, the truth of it may be that if I hadn't been there he would have self destructed without someone to pull him out of it and save him.  Who knows.  All I know is I will no longer take any of it personally.  He is who he is.  He never really meant to hurt anyone.  He just never put any thought into anything.

I should not dislike him for being him.  Truth:  if I had let the engagement go for longer, I would not have married him probably.  I would not have wanted to be his friend.  We thought we were in love.  We tried for 25 years to fit a square peg in a round hole. 

So...he is not the Evil Spawn.  He is just himself.  He never meant to hurt anyone.  He just was 'stuck'.  And, to be truthful, so was I. 

The spot I am in is my own fault.  I was too busy trying to convince myself that the tiger was a cute little kitty. 

However, I am getting used to me again.  I am being truthful with myself.  I am a GREAT mom...not so much a great wife.  I have mapped out a plan for me to follow.  I do not see me remarrying...not because he broke my heart and I will never recover but because I really don't want to compromise anymore.  I would like to have someone in my life at some point...just not married.  That part of the plan is negotiable IF Mr. Perfect came along and I just could not live without him.  But guess what...I am 54 years old and I have not met him yet. 

So, there ya have it.  No more broken heart.  Bruised ego maybe.  But I don't hate him, I'm not angry...coulda shoulda woulda. 

Thank you God for enlightening me and making me be honest with myself. 

On another note...today I started my first class towards getting my Masters degree.  I also ended up back in the dental chair getting my stitches put back in because the previous ones unraveled.  And this time hurt worse than when he pulled the tooth out and stitched it up the first time.

Oh Forget It

Is it the full moon, like one of my friends suggested?  Or is it that by trying to be a shoulder for my friend/ex SIL Belinda to cry on after her dad died that did it?

I fell.  Two steps forward one step back.  I was listening to Belinda relay her feelings...the hurt, the depression and wondering when it would go away or at least not be so strong.  It took me back to remembering how bad that felt for me a few months ago.  And then it unearthed the feelings I thought I had buried...evidently not deep enough.  I have been angry, again, every since.

Then I had some guy from the gardening club I joined contact me through a dating site.  When I told him he was too young for me to date he got nasty.  REALLY?  Who gets upset by being told they are too young?  By the way he reacted he wasn't just too young physically, he is immature.  What I didn't tell him was the other reason I wasn't interested was because he looked like a homeless man. 

THEN I got a call from the guy that reminded me of Dax Shepherd and he didn't like my political views.  Fine.  I am not figuring I could live with yours either. 

Because of weirdo #1 I took myself off of one dating site thus losing my contact with Thomas.  Because of weirdo #2 I realized I really am not ready to want to put up with this whole online dating thing...or dating right now at all.  So I sent a message to the guy I was supposed to have dinner with Friday night and explained why I was cancelling the dinner.  He was nice, said he understood because he still struggles with whether he is ready or not.  Then I deleted myself from ALL dating sites. 

Now I know I am losing weight for me and no other reason.

I felt better actually.  I thought I was going forward a bit too fast. But because I was still in a 'mood', I didn't go to my paint nite.  I wasn't feeling it. 

However, I AM going to the meetup late lunch/early dinner at the Buffalo Jacks on Saturday. I have been wanting to go there for years.  I am not giving that up.

I attended a virtual educator job fair today.  I could tell from the interest and job openings that I am getting my masters in the right area.  I also found that once I get my masters in spec. ed and teach for a couple of years, I can pick up a few adjunct faculty jobs to supplement my income/retirement. 

The only immediate concern is getting a job.

0 to 60

So...wow.  I joined some meet up groups.  These are groups that you sign up with online according to your interests.  Yes, it is a group of strangers but they are people that share a common interest with you...and, like you, they want to have someone to go places and do things with according to this common interest. 

So I started with one called 'Friends First'.  Everyone is single for any reason...divorce, widowed, never married...and just wants a friend/friends to meet with for coffee/lunch/dinner and conversation.  Sometimes outings are planned for various things.  I met for morning coffee at a cute little coffee shop.  It was nice to get out of the house and have grownups to have conversation with on various subjects.  I get to  explore different places in the metro area.

I joined a gardening group hoping to get some tips and pointers on how to get rid of some of the nuisances in my gardens.  We get to tour gardens and find out which plants grow best in this nasty clay.  LOL  We had our first meetup this last Saturday.  Then, one of the guys that was at the meeting found me on a dating site and sent me a message asking me to meet him for coffee.  I politely explained that he was too young for me (8 years younger).  He seemed to be quite put out by that.  Another reason I didn't want to have coffee, or anything else with him, is that he looked somewhat like a homeless dude.  Seriously...

I also joined a Paint Nite group.  I don't know if they do this everywhere but what this is, an artist reserves a room at a restaurant that serves wine, and you pay to go and do a replica of a specific painting and drink wine.  My daughter went to a painting party (sans wine) and it looked like fun.  The paint party I chose is to do a picture that will go great with the new colors I have chosen for my kitchen.  (I need a painting party for my walls).

I have also signed up on 2 dating sites.  One is free and I 'met' one guy named Thomas on there.  He works on the Air Force base and is a database analyst.  He is a bigger guy, is a Christian, rides a Harley. 

The other date site charges a small monthly fee if you want to receive and answer messages.  I met 2 guys on that one.  Kirk, who is a RN, is a Christian, his looks and the sound of his voice/laugh remind me of Dax Shepherd.  He has two 'kids'...a boy and girl...30 and 33 respectively...and a granddaughter.  He lives with his 86 year old dad because his dad needs care.  We haven't met in person, yet, but we have texted a lot and have had one really long conversation. 

The other guy I met on that site is Michael.  He is a couple years older than I, is an administrator at a community college not too far from here, has 4 grown kids (3 boys, 1 girl) and he and I are having dinner this Friday night.  We have not spoken on the phone...only email through the site.  He seems a bit 'stiff' but nice.  I guess we'll see.

I am not getting nervous about whether or not I like them or they dislike me.  I am in no big hurry.  There are lots of ppl on this earth and a great many of them are guys.  I would like to fall in love someday...remarry...but not right away. 

I also signed up to start work on my Masters'.  I am getting my Masters' in Special Education and I start March 9.  I will be done June 2016.  Just in time to renew my teacher license. 

And I am in contact with a company that owns/runs charter schools in various areas of various states.  We'll see how that goes. 

I also, finally, looked at a picture of  Evil Spawn's Gangsta gf, Thug Life.  (thanks Karen)  That made it easier to move on.  wow.  He traded down.  She is 17 years younger than me but looks older than I.  Pudgy, tattooed up, deep furrows in her forehead and her hair...well, no thought goes into that mess.  So...when Karen, and others, told me he is with who he SHOULD have been with all along...I get it. 

Today I had a tooth extracted.  It broke.  Dr. Bob had to wrench it out and put a bone graft in so I can get a permanent implant put in later.  It is a molar but when I smile wide you could see the gap.  I have to wait 4 months for the bone graft to solidify and in the meantime, they are giving me a retainer with a fake tooth in it for me to wear.  My son's gf wears one of those and you really cannot tell!  The BEST PART of it all was the dental insurance dropped me on Feb.28 (Evil Spawn still had me on his dental insurance but open enrollment took place and since we are now divorced I had to be dropped) so the whole procedure, et al, had to be paid by me.  I put it on the joint credit card and it will be paid off in 3 payments...Unless I get a job soon then I will just pay it off earlier.  Unemployment only goes just so far. 

I keep calling him Evil Spawn.  He was a terrible husband in so many ways.  However, I am thankful that he stuck around to support his family monetarily until the kids were grown.  I am also grateful that he helped with med/dental/vision insurance as long as he was allowed and still carries it for the kids, I am grateful for the alimony and that he is working with me on the house issue, and grateful that he still allows me to use the credit card when I need to.  It is 'joint' only until he decides to remove me as an authorized user.

He is what he is.  He just doesn't get it.  Even though I have an idea what he is all about in the head, it does not change the fact that he is not anyone that I choose to be friends with.  I told him that from now on the only thing we are to each other is some other person in the family photos.  I was not trying to be mean...just emphasizing how well he doesn't know me after 25 years of marriage.  He worries that I am going to sell/ruin/break the collectibles and other belongings he left here until he can move them out in May.  I may THINK about it but I am not that person. 

So this week I filled up my calendar with things to do.  I went from being home all the time...to being social again! 

I am filling it up for July already too.  The kids and I bought tickets for a couple of concerts.  One concert is Boston!  Woohoo! The second concert is Fallout Boy.  I am really looking forward to them both.  I think it is pretty sweet that my kids like going to concerts with their 'old' mom.  LOL