Leggo My Ego

I really do believe in prayers being answered.  If I pray and really listen for the answer, it comes. 

I needed to get everyone else's voices and opinions out of my head.  I have friends/people that care about me.  Between that and preconceived notions about divorce and experiences with divorce...there has been a lot of things thrown around about my divorce.  I let my ego get in the way and I listened to the rotten inner voice and the thoughts other people had about my divorce. 

But then, my older sister was brutal with me...mainly because she was in a rotten mood and she just wanted to get it over with.  And God took Dawn's voice in my head and yelled, "Get real!  Just be real...honest."

So here it is. 

Neither Troy nor I had thought we would be the marrying kind.  Then, for whatever reason, we married each other.  Neither one of us actually let go of what we liked about being single.  I think I just accepted my 'role' as a wife and mother better than he accepted his role as husband and father. 

I realized I felt more like his mom than his wife.  I was always taking care of things and him.  He worked and supported us.  He realized he didn't really love me.  And I finally admitted that somewhere along the line I fell out of love with him too.  In fact, most times I didn't even like him.  I was in love with the idea of a happy family.  I was in love with the idea of having a happy long life with that special someone in my life...even though I still had a difficult time with compromising and having to work around someone else and their feelings. 

He would self destruct but I have to quit taking it personally.  He would have done it regardless of me.   I always felt responsible...like if it wasn't for me being there and if he didn't have a family he wouldn't have felt so unhappy/under pressure and then self destructed.  In actuality, the truth of it may be that if I hadn't been there he would have self destructed without someone to pull him out of it and save him.  Who knows.  All I know is I will no longer take any of it personally.  He is who he is.  He never really meant to hurt anyone.  He just never put any thought into anything.

I should not dislike him for being him.  Truth:  if I had let the engagement go for longer, I would not have married him probably.  I would not have wanted to be his friend.  We thought we were in love.  We tried for 25 years to fit a square peg in a round hole. 

So...he is not the Evil Spawn.  He is just himself.  He never meant to hurt anyone.  He just was 'stuck'.  And, to be truthful, so was I. 

The spot I am in is my own fault.  I was too busy trying to convince myself that the tiger was a cute little kitty. 

However, I am getting used to me again.  I am being truthful with myself.  I am a GREAT mom...not so much a great wife.  I have mapped out a plan for me to follow.  I do not see me remarrying...not because he broke my heart and I will never recover but because I really don't want to compromise anymore.  I would like to have someone in my life at some point...just not married.  That part of the plan is negotiable IF Mr. Perfect came along and I just could not live without him.  But guess what...I am 54 years old and I have not met him yet. 

So, there ya have it.  No more broken heart.  Bruised ego maybe.  But I don't hate him, I'm not angry...coulda shoulda woulda. 

Thank you God for enlightening me and making me be honest with myself. 

On another note...today I started my first class towards getting my Masters degree.  I also ended up back in the dental chair getting my stitches put back in because the previous ones unraveled.  And this time hurt worse than when he pulled the tooth out and stitched it up the first time.