Even when you think you have the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...there is always something lingering.
I took a few days and went back 'home' to see some friends that I neglected seeing and spending time with for a long time. My mother and my oldest sister always demanded my attention when I was up there. Visits are always too short. But this visit was different. I got to spend time with a couple of friends...one from the church I used to attend with Evil Spawn, and the other friend from a job I used to have. Debbie and Karen, respectively.
Debbie and Ross have been divorced for almost 3 years. I did not realize that time had gone by that fast. And I did not know Ross was as bad as he was...so morally bankrupt. Like Evil Spawn he went to church every Sunday, helped out with lots of things there. But outside the church he lived a different life. He is one of those people that must think that just because you go to the church on Sunday, it gets you a pass into Heaven. It all goes in one ear and out the other.
I like Debbie...she is bubbly and smiles through everything. She is naïve. She has taken too many people for face value and too ready to accept people into her life that end up ripping her up...and she never really listens to what is behind the words. She is the kindergartner on her first day of school wanting to be everyone's friend...and they steal her lunch.
Karen is so much the opposite. Karen was beaten by her first husband and she left him only to end up marrying Jim. Jim was over powering. He was mean but never beat her. He was controlling and it seems, as the kids got older, he started bringing low life women back to the house (bed, hot tub) while Karen was at work. She put up with it for whatever reason. She knew as the youngest child graduated, Jim was going to divorce her. She said for at least the last year, they lived in the same house without speaking to each other. Jim was a fire fighter. And one day, he went to work and never came home. He died of a massive heart attack. And he left her a HUGE life insurance policy. She was suddenly free with a pile of money.
She kept her job at the courthouse because she says it gives her somewhere to go and something to do. She married an old HS bf of hers that is sweet to her, does anything for her, is a contractor who doesn't always have work but she says he doesn't need to...she has money and can take care of herself. They bought a big house, he remodeled and upgraded the inside and she is happy with her life. Yet, she says, she does not really trust the happily ever after part. She is always waiting for something to change about her husband...that he will become mean and they will be done. I can understand her feeling that.
On the drive home I have too much time to think. And for some reason it occurred to me why I am having such a difficult time moving on.
In one week I lost 2 jobs. The first job was one I hated. I corrected my supervisor too many times and one of those corrections got the attention of HIS supervisor. So, my supervisor was moving to another dept. and he was bound and determined to take me out before he left. And he did.
Then a week later I lost my 25 year job. I had a difficult time when I stopped teaching to follow him for his career. Being a teacher was part of my identity. Then for 18 years my identity was his wife and mother to my two kids. I wrapped myself up in that. I put them first. I constantly thought about and worried about them all. Now I have to redefine my life. I have to find my identity. I can't slowly ease into it.
But he said that we had grown apart. We were two different people.
To tell you the truth, we weren't that different while he was here and going to church. Yes, he was controlling and self centered but I could be too. NO...I am not letting him off the hook for anything.
So, I told him that...we had seemed to be fairly the same person while he was here and going to church. (I know he was lying and sneaking behind my back but he denies I know anything). And I told him that in order for me to be able to move forward and get over losing my identity, he needs to explain to me how we grew apart and what made us so different. He said it. He must be able to explain it.
I sometimes think that people like him go off and get off scot free with just a wave of the hand a shrug of the shoulder way too easily. If they have to explain...think it through...back up their words...that the by explaining it will make them actually stop and take a look at their cavalier adoption of self centered behavior and impulsive decisions. Off course, they have bankrupt thinking and nothing will most likely change any of it.
I know what happened. He went off to another state, realized there was no one there to be accountable to for his choices, found a bunch of immature, irresponsible divorced guys that liked to get drunk and party and he thought, "I can do whatever I want to...and as long as she isn't here, I don't have to feel guilty." But, he did feel a bit of guilt. It is what caused him to make things as easy as they could be for me....I get the house, his retirement CD, alimony...and he pays the taxes.
His tax bill is outrageous. I am convinced if he went to a tax professional and let them do it, it would not be so bad BUT he is not wanting to part with the price of a tax professional (about $100) in order to save himself a few thousand!! But...that is what I had to work with for 25 years. I worked to make him think things through...think straight...and I failed. I was not a good enough mother.
On another note, I took Bethany to her old college to do her withdrawal paperwork and lo and behold they gave her a check for my over payment! It covered the cost of my new battery in my car with a bit extra. Liz, the one that takes care of financial aide and the paperwork, hugged me and told me she was going to miss me. She told me that I am someone and I am going to be just fine...not to let 'that man' make me less. She said she would miss our talks.
I like Liz. I don't remember too many talks with her...mostly in her office...both of the kids went to that school. But she took a liking to me. Bethany was laughing and she said, "She sure does like you! She was always asking me how you were and she liked it when you dropped in."
I sat and took stock today of the people that genuinely seem to like me. They are happy to see me. The ones that think I am smart, sweet, etc. and they like to spend time with me. I need to listen more to those voices BUT somehow the voice of the one that I took care of, shared a bed with and shared my inner most thoughts and secrets with for 25 years is louder than all of them. He keeps telling me to think of the good things between us. Why? He didn't. If he had, we WOULD have gotten along better, I would have meant more to him, I would have seemed smart and sweet and he would have been so happy to spend time with me.
What I need to think about is all the people that think so highly of me. The ones that like to be around me. Of course that doesn't cuddle up next to me at night...give me a hug when I am lonely or something hurts me but, I guess, it will help me find my identity.
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