That Fish in the Bottom of the Boat

In the aftermath of a divorce there is a lot of flipping and flopping.  I try to remember the bad times to make myself feel better about being divorced.  Then I try to remember the good times so I don't feel bad about being married to him for 25 years.   

But then it just comes down to this...when he said we had different agendas he was right.  He liked being free to spend lots of time hanging out with 'the guys' and drinking and smoking dope.  I liked having a family and wanted a HUSBAND...someone that actually liked spending his time WITH ME.  He always got what he wanted...but was mean with me because he actually did feel guilty about it and blamed me for the feeling. 

I said something to a woman that attends my church about hoping that someday I would find a guy that had a good sense of humor and wanted a woman to love, spend his time with, and share things with.  Her reply was, IF it is in God's plans, you will find him.

I know about God's plans and it isn't that I don't have faith...but I refuse to be alone for the rest of my life.  I don't want a partner YET...but at some point...somewhere in the last half of next year it would be nice to meet someone.  Even by the time summer comes...I want to move on and have someone to move on with. 

Thanksgiving was so wonderful...TJ was here with his fiancée, Bethany was here and her boyfriend came...his dad was working and his mom and her new family either weren't doing anything OR she didn't invite him to join them.  I think he was relaxed and enjoyed himself.  I know he ate A LOT!  LOL  We all sat around the table and talked and joked and it was very relaxed.  There was no one picking about how someone was holding their spoon, or if they were eating too quickly, or eating too much, or talking too much...etc.  It was just us enjoying ourselves. 

Time to start new traditions or slightly alter old ones.  This is my new world.  Constantly changing but hopefully for the positive.

That Feeling

I have been really sick...physically ill...for longer than I realized.  My mother kept telling me that there was something 'out of sorts' with me physically.  I had a sinus infection but I didn't realize it was as bad as it is.  I knew there was something wrong.  Then one day I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I woke up with vertigo...so bad I could barely walk without bouncing off the walls.  It was worse than being drunk.  It has taken 3 days of antibiotics to get it to settle down.  Guess I won't ignore sinus problems again.

I am not feeling so weepy and down in the rabbit hole now.  Got an accidental text from the ex tonight.  It said, "see you in 15 minutes".  I texted back, "WHO are you seeing in 15 minutes?"  And you know what? He answered me.  "Sorry.  EDDIE!!"  I just sent back "LOL...u didn't have to tell me"  Guess he is still in that married mentality.  Then again, he seems to think that I will go ape shit crazy when he starts dating.  As I told him...WE ARE DIVORCED NOW...I expect he will date at some point.  I am prepared for it.  And I may feel hurt or weird...or nothing.  I won't know until that happens but I told him I will not go off on him.  Really...what does he expect?  If I haven't harmed him or any of his stuff by now, I guess he is pretty safe.

I had a guy from HS days contact me a couple of times on FB.  He was a friend of a guy I dated for a bit.  I never thought of him as anything more than a friend.  He is a big guy...at least a foot taller than me, if not more.  He is sporting the bald look with a goatee.  He went to college for music and was in the OSU marching band.  He didn't finish college and now owns a portrait studio.  ANYWAY, I have only slightly paid attention to him on FB.  It seems like he has been married 3 or 4 times...or maybe it is just relationships that he has been in and out of so quickly.  I don't know.  Was not important to me.  Seems he is going through another divorce and as soon as he found out I was divorced he was right there hitting on me.  REALLY?  He is just looking for another 'blanket'.    And I am not interested. 

I know there are people out there that hop from relationship to relationship and overlap them even.  But I have never done that.  Even if I entertained the notion I always realized that I did not want to be that person.  It makes life messier and I needed time to get my equilibrium before I tried another relationship. 

My oldest sister, who was divorced once....her first husband walked in the door from work and said, "I want a divorce" then turned around and left...she said there are guys out there that will be just what I need...calm, easy going, able to take the pressure without breaking...and the one will come along when I least expect it.  Doesn't everyone tell you that...when you least expect it?

All I know is this...I do miss the feeling of loving someone and knowing they love me.  I thought I had that but it was false.  I am looking forward to meeting that guy that is just the right one yet, I hope he doesn't come along too soon.  I need some time to get my life on the right track again.  I need to have that feeling of self sustaining.  Once I have my self esteem back at the right level, then I am ready...but God is the one that has the right timing.

The few times I have spoken on the phone with my ex, I have found something to be very curious...I sometimes did not end the call with 'love you' because I was preoccupied and he would get ticked.  And it always seemed just like a mindless habit with him.  But as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce his mindless habit ceased yet I have to consciously stop myself before I say it.  Weird.

Gaining Some Perspective...Any Perspective

1) I am better off than most women concerning this divorce. Most of them have had to move out of the house and find another place to go...and with children. Most of them had husbands that fought to give them nothing. Most of them had their divorces dragged out for a long time. Most of them had husbands that had a girlfriend ready to move in right behind them. 2) I was given LOTS of advice on terrible things to do to get back at Troy. I had no reason to listen or give any of it a thought. He didn't deserve it and I would not waste the energy on it or the time being such a mean person. It serves no purpose. Because he wanted a divorce? That is supposed to be the reason for that? hardly. 3) Most women go through the same crap in their minds that I did: "maybe if I earned money he wouldn't have left" "maybe if I was thinner he wouldn't have left" "Maybe if I was a better housekeeper he wouldn't have left" I learned that from listening to other divorced women in group. We are all wired the same. My thoughts on that...if those things are all that it takes to level a marriage then there wasn't unconditional love. I am coming to the conclusion that unconditional love is a rare thing. 4) ALL women...not one has deviated from this...say the same thing: "I needed more affection...cuddling. Just to hold me so I felt comfort, love, and safe. But he never did that unless he wanted sex. I tried to tell him and he never seemed to hear me. It made me feel like a piece of meat. It made me want sex less and he didn't get what he wanted either." 5) Men do NOT get it. about the cuddling. I thought there was something wrong with ME until I heard that. But no...it is a universal man/woman thing and if no one takes the time to give each other what the other one needs, there is going to be a lot more divorces in this country. It is amazing to me that ANYONE is married! 6) Communication...besides the cuddling there was lack of communication. In 8 out of 10 cases that I listened to, it was the man that resisted counseling to fix the communication problems. It was too much work. But relationships of any kind take work...if you care, if you love, if you want to hang on to it. But if life is too much work then be alone. So...after all the 'advice' and other 'friends' points of view...sharing of experiences...attending a divorce group counseling session (via online recording)...I found way too many similarities. So it comes down to this...it was not an US thing...it is a Man/Woman thing. You either wanted to be the exception or the rule. Troy chose to be the rule. I am choosing to not have to make that choice again because evidently men that choose to be the exception are very few and far between and I don't want to end up with another one that would rather give up and be the rule. I will be content with the fact that the terms of my divorce is not the rule and I have it easier than most. and that whole thing right there is just sad. I don't think anyone would LIKE to be alone but apathy and laziness have taken over and replaced real love.

Deep Freeze

I must clarify something from the previous post..

I do NOT expect my ex to help with any payments on repairs or anything else.  He told me he would help out when/if he could.  I hate asking.  But right now I still need some help.  I AM grateful when he does help.  I always send him an email and thank him for his help.  I know he doesn't HAVE to help in any way.  I also know that him being willing to help and actually helping are unprecedented. 

Throughout this whole divorce, and in its aftermath, I have been given 'advice' from lots of other women that have gone through this, on what to do, how to act, etc.  I have listened and I have picked out the practical pieces, the pieces that are not emotional knee-jerk reactions, and considered the advice.  I have tried NOT to let my emotions take over.  It was because I tried to think with a clear head that I do believe I was able to come to a dissolution agreement with him so fast and get this whole thing over with.

If there is one thing that God has taught me in the last 25 years of marriage is to be level headed and not let emotions get in the way of what I really needed to do. 

I do wish, right now, however, that I had someone to kick my butt about twice a day to keep me moving and accomplish things.  There is SO much to do...both concerning the house and my own future.  Today I am going to work on accomplishing more for my future.  I am actually going to work on it all this weekend.  I have more job applications to work on and a college class app that needs attending.  I have the college thing all set up I just need to do some more with the app.  I pray that I am doing the right thing but I really feel that I am.  If it isn't right then I pray that God upsets the apple cart. 

I know that for me to truly move on with my life I need to get going on a job.  I have had several people advise me to just stay on unemployment until it runs out but I am having a difficult time seeing the wisdom in that.  I want to DO something. 

On another subject...my daughter was telling me that Emily had no where to go for Thanksgiving.  Emily is a girl she works with and her family attends our church.  I don't know if it was a year or TWO ago that Emily announced to her parents that she was gay.  They threw her out of the house.  She has been on her own and working to get through college. 

I was so disappointed in them.  I told Bethany that, even though I have my stance on the whole gay issue that I do, born from my religious beliefs, that is definitely NOT the good Christian thing to do.  I told her that even if she or her brother had told me she/he was gay, I would NOT kick them out of the house.  The preacher of a church I attended growing up did that to his one son after he announced he was gay. 

So I told Bethany if she wanted to invite Emily here for Thanksgiving she was welcome to do so.  We have plenty of room at our table.  I may not agree with the lifestyle but I am not dismissive of people because of it.  I think the ONLY people that I would not allow at my table are murderers and pedophiles.   Those kinds of behaviors are heinous. 

At this point it seems that we will have Bethany, Jordan, Brit, and TJ here for dinner.  I do hope Emily comes.  If we happen to have other strays along the way join us, then the more the merrier.  I LOVE Thanksgiving and the cooking, etc. 

I don't know what Troy is doing for Thanksgiving.  I imagine he will be having dinner with his divorced party buddies.  And I imagine he will be doing most of the cooking.  I sometimes really do wonder if he is gay and he has never been able to admit it.  It would explain some things. 

Anyhoo...with the possibility of a new person being in my home for the holidays, that gives me renewed purpose to do some more 'fixing' on my home.  There are things that need to be done around here and I have a target reason and date to get them done.  I guess I'd better get busy!

Addition:  As I was moving around and pondering today, it came to me that God gave me for which I was praying for so long:  a home and calm.  I have my home here, and now it is calm.  God doesn't work things out to end in divorce but if the other person makes it happen, and you have faith in God, he will work out for YOU.  He has worked it out for me.  I keep thinking about me losing my job at the electric company.  It was not a great place, I hated it.  I think God realized if He didn't take that job away from me, and Troy divorced me, I would stay locked in that soul sucking job and not gotten out and done something that I am SUPPOSED to do.  I am not really sure, yet, what that is but, as I said...have faith.  He will work it out.  My whole life has been a work in progress and it might have been somewhere better a very long time ago but I insisted on the detour that took me the long way around and into some pretty dark valleys for the last 25 years.  Now that part of the trip is over. 

AND ANOTHER THING...I was kind of finding it funny today about something.  I remember telling Bethany that she is an adult now and she doesn't need to ask my permission to go to a friend's for the night.  I pretty much had to let Troy know that, while I find it so very nice and I was so appreciative of the fact that he paid for the water heater, he really is not obligated to do anything like that.  I will ask him if he can help me with big things like that if I need help but we ARE divorced.  I was looking back at the text messages and the emails and he almost sounded like he felt that he is obligated and must pay at least half on repairs to the house.  While the kids live here, they are adults also.  Perhaps he feels some obligation because his name is still on the deed/mortgage?  I don't know.  I guess he is still adjusting to divorce also.

Conclusions, Jacks, Rope and other things for Jumping

I was reminded again tonight why I should once more get down on my knees and thank God that I am divorced and he is in Kansas. 

I took the time yesterday to send Evil Spawn a copy of the work order receipt and the charge receipt for the new hot water heater with an explanation through the email.  I told him I was hoping he would be able to help with the cost and that I had already paid for the labor...which turned out to be $6.67 less than half of the total cost.  I saved at least $200 by hiring a local guy to install it, buying the needed parts myself, and hauling the old one off to the scrap yard myself. 

So, while on the phone with my mother he texts me to ask if I changed the password on the joint account.  REALLY???  If I was a vindictive bitch he would have surely known that by now.  I texted back NOPE...and then sent the password in the next text.  Then he texted back he was sorry, it was his fault, he typed it in wrong, yada yada.  I texted "jumping to conclusions"  he said he just wanted to check in case so that he didn't keep typing it in and get locked out of the account.  (sure...he thought I had changed it just to be a bitch).  I told him "I'm angry...not stupid"  He then says he will pay $200 on the charge.  I said, FINE.  (which one thing he DOES remember is when I say "fine" it's not...fine)  He said, Is that Okay??"  I reminded him " the whole thing cost almost $800 but never mind, it's not your problem" 

All during this I am reading back and forth to my mother his texts and my replies.  I was on the landline with my mom and my cell phone text notification is a frog croaking and she could hear it going off.  When I read her that he said he was going to pay $200 she says, "That's not even a third!"  I told her it was 1/4.  She said, "I would make him pay MORE!  Hold out for more money" 

I think I have written in my blog how much my parents dislike him.  And I don't blame them.  If some guy treated MY daughter the way Troy treated me and the kids, I would be in jail right now for assault.  My parents have better restraint than I do. 

Troy then responded with "You didn't tell me that!"

I said, "I sent you the receipts"

Troy: "I'll pay the rest next pay day.  I forgot!!!!!!  NIGHT"

Even in text I can tell when he is angry.  He starts putting a lot of repeated punctuation.  I was giggling at this point.  I told my mother, "See how quickly he gets irritated?  He started out paranoid and accusatory...then he was apologetic then he ended being ticked off and left.  I am SO glad I don't have to put up with that anymore!  I am astronomically thankful he is in Kansas and not HERE!" 

I am angry about it just for the way he went about things.   I am angry at wasting 25 years of my life with him.  But I am not angry about the divorce anymore.  I am not angry, sad, nothing.  I AM feeling happier...more hopeful about my future.  I don't really have any feelings toward my self worth yet but that will come.  I am a good, kind, honest person. 

While he is always on the defensive expecting me to do something hateful, spiteful, bitchy...he can keep waiting and watching.  That is the entertainment for me...the way he is stressing himself out over something that isn't going to happen. 

After 25 years of marriage...he never knew me at all. 

Hurry Up and....blech

Two weeks...went without getting a call/text/email from him for 2 weeks and 2 days.  Then he called.  I let it go to VM.  He left a VM.  So...I listened to the VM.  And it happened.

I had forgotten all about that feeling.  I could tell by his tone of voice he was perturbed...probably because I wouldn't answer the phone.  He HATES that.  But just hearing that tone of voice, or maybe just hearing his voice anyway, I got the tight, panicky feeling in my chest.  I haven't felt that in 2 weeks and I have hardly thought anything of him.  And in half of a minute I was taken back to it. 

It wasn't anything important...I texted him and told him to mail it to me and I'd take care of it. 

He's probably still aggravated.  Then again, perhaps he is just as happy not to talk with me either.

I can giggle over some things now.  I told by one of my gf from back home, who is going through the same thing with her EX husband that since he is going to haul away the bed in May when he comes to get his other stuff that I should pee on if first.  I laughed so hard I almost did!  Then she said to never mind because she is in that weird frame of mind right now.  They still have 2 girls in HS and she is having to get another lawyer to take him back to court because he isn't paying his child support.  She exchanged diet and exercise info with me.  And I told her a few things about my defunct marriage that a lot of people back home don't know about Troy's behavior.  The minister at our church back home thought Troy was a great guy. Deb asked me if the pastor knows about Troy now?  I said, "nope"  not telling HIM.  She said, "well, WE know. " 

I have had a few people tell me this week that I am an inspiration because I have been keeping busy and doing things..trying to make some effort to move on with my life.  And I don't feel that way.  I am just trying to keep busy to keep myself from wallowing in the hole of depression/anxiety and despair.  It is not my favorite place to be.  Besides, the world has little sympathy and waits for no one. 

I have gotten out in the last week and joined in on bible study groups and a women's bible book study group.  Then I hit the wall...came down with some sort of bug.  I want to keep moving about but it has made me achy, stuffy and miserable.  I will move my butt every now and then and do some here and there...but not all that much.  I opted to stay home from church and bible study today.  I don't want to pass around germs out there when so many people have jobs they have to be well for and no one has time to be ill.  I always hated when people would come to church when they were obviously sick and pass it around to everyone. 

Onward and upward.  On to the next thing.  yay.

Silence Is Golden

My emotions are such a rollercoaster ride.  I think I am feeling better and able to cope and feel some happiness...then...WHAM out of nowhere I fall right back down the rabbit hole.  Tonight I am feeling somewhat better. 

I read something on an ex-fellow blogger's FB page about abusive relationships.    It outlined what an emotional/mentally abusive looked like.  I sat there reading down through the points and recognized my ex-husband and myself throughout the whole thing.  I just called him a bully.  I had no idea how far down I had sunk and did not know where I was going or why.  All this time I thought I was rescuing him while he was burying me.

Given that...I KNOW I am better off without him but I still have such depressing days!  I am mostly worried about what I am going to do next.  I am trying to convince myself that I AM still that person I was before I met him.  I am trying to convince myself that I am the person that everyone else sees me to be. 

There are little things like the fry daddy that I bought my son at a garage sale.  I broke my own rule about never buy appliances at a garage sale.  But...it was a small fry daddy and TJ likes to do fries and I get tired of him making a greasy mess all over my stove by using a pan of oil. 

So I got it home and scrubbed it up.  Plugged it in...and...nothing.  So I finally took a screwdriver to it, took it apart then scrubbed all contacts inside and out with a wire brush.  There was corrosion build up.  I also had to scrub off the inside of the plug thingy (and that is some real technical jargon right there).  I then plugged it in (after putting it all back together again, of course) and it worked!  Sorry people...I paid you $2 for that and it is mine.  No backsies.

I also found out the water heater has a slow small leak in the bottom of it.  Do you know what it costs for me to pay someone to hook up a new one?  Almost as much as the water heater!  I am pretty sure I can hook it up myself.  I have a manual!  AND I know how to check for a gas leak.    hhmmm...
I will think about it.  That is what I have to take care of next week. 

Still working on puttinig Bethany's bedroom furniture together.  Her boyfriend Jordan put her bed together.  It is a platform with storage drawers underneath.  I told him when he started it would be good practice for when he had kids someday.  By the time he got her bed together he looked at me and said, "I don't want kids...EVER!"  Ok.  I found a new form of birth control.  LOL

I got what I need to get signed up for more classes.  I am first going to take the first half of the Special Ed. Master's program.  This will add Special Ed certification to my teaching license and Intervention Specialist.  Then I can take the second half of the program later and get my Master's.

In the meantime...life goes on. 

So tomorrow I get a tooth worked on for a crown.  yay.  Then I am going to a Christian rock concert at our church with my son and his fiancé.   Wonder what my chances are of getting the ex monster spouse to pay for the crown on my tooth?

I also wonder if I get so depressed I start using crack then decide I need to get clean and end up at his place, knock on the door and tell him  I need someone to help me, what are the chances he will take me in?   okay...that wouldn't happen.  I can't imagine being so bad off on crack that it would mess me up enough to ask HIM for help. Bwahahahaha....