Revealing Epiphanies

I got an epiphany delivered from God to give me a real kick to the back of the head: "Why do you insist on validation from someone who cannot validate himself?" 

And there it was.  Exactly.  I know who I am...what I am capable of and what I have done for him and my family. 

Then I came across something on Facebook...something from Godvine that explained HIM:
http://m.godvine.com/read/5-ways-to-tell-an-evil-heart-versus-a-sinful-one-fb-gv-956.html


I started reading it and every point was HIM.  There is nothing that I could have done...except not marry him. 

I remembered tonight when things had seemed like they were going fairly well for a bit...when I could dare to feel happiness and contentment with what I had.  It was so short of a time.  At least I remember thanking God...and I always did when I knew I should be grateful.  So short of a time. 

Then...I made the mistake...felt sorry for his nephew.  We decided to let him come stay  with us so that he could go to college and break the downward spiral of his life.  It was supposed to be a good thing.  But...it was when evil came and took up residence. 

He brought drugs into the house.  And Troy was weak.  He was a fairly new Christian...not even really sure he was a Christian.  He was trying to be LIKE one, at any rate.  He has struggled with drugs.  But here was his nephew...with drugs and Troy couldn't take the temptation.  He gave in.

It was after that when he started to be truly mean to me.  He had ignored me and been an ass before but now he was really mean. 

For some reason I didn't see it...until tonight.  It just seemed like so very much has been revealed.  Understanding is the prelude to freedom. 

And I am thankful to God for that.  Evil is out of my life.  At least Evil Spawn.  I guess I gave him the right nickname.

What's God Working on in YOUR Life?

I went to church with Bethany this morning.  Sometimes the message speaks directly to me and sometimes there is one thing that grabs hold and my mind starts going a mile a minute in another direction...answering some questions I have had or giving me information that I need about a problem I am having.

Problem:  sometimes it is something that is said by someone that Satan hooks on to and uses it as a dart to the heart...open the still healing wound, rub in some salt....churn up the hurt and anger all over again. Satan is not happy if I am willing to accept and move on.  He wants me to be in turmoil and anger so that God is not wanting to work with me so much.

This last week it was our former Pastor's wife, Dianne.  She helped me out with common core and testing...explaining, giving examples.  Then, she asked me how old my ex is.  I said, "50."  She then said, "oh, then he is having a mid-life crisis." and nodded and shrugged.  It kind of gave me a feeling of a slight inner pinch.  Then I went home.  And that was in the back of my mind...drilling its way to the forefront...to the surface.  Then I finally found myself being angry. 

"He's having a mid-life crisis."  shrug. 

How can someone's bad behavior be shrugged off with a label?  That label is something that gives the offending party an excuse for being selfish and tossing people aside.  Bad behavior is bad behavior...I don't care what the age of the person doing it is...there is no excuse and certainly it should not be shrugged off as if it is insignificant.

I just read a story in which a woman tells about her neighbor lady who has an autistic son and is struggling to survive after her husband walked off with a woman 38 years his junior because he was having a mid-life crisis.  I wonder how many people said that about him and shrugged.  Then it was an excuse for leaving that woman that had taken care of him, bore his child, the one he had promised to love...and leave her in dire straits because she had been foolish enough to believe in marriage vows and that he was a good and honorable man. 

I remember my ex sitting and having a very long discussion with my son about 'character'.  I guess he figured he didn't need to listen to himself.  My pastor said he had no respect for a man that would walk off and leave a family...divorce the woman he promised to love, honor, etc. until death do them part.  It is bad character.

For me the one thing that will always bother me, that I will never get a real answer for is this...how long did he pretend?  It would probably make me physically ill to get the real answer because it would make me feel so very violated and stupid. 

I squandered chances for love.  I kissed a lot of toads.  I passed up a prince somewhere I am afraid.  But when the time is right, if there ever is a time, God will bring someone into my life that will help me to discover what real love and caring is all about.

Until then, I need to spend more time with God so that things like that off hand remark will not set me off...Satan can not find a crack to insert the poison.

One Step Forward, One Step Backward

I either am not really ready for dating or I just did not find the right guy to date.  I think I should probably get one thing settled in my life before I try to take on something else.  That one thing I need to get settled is the job.  Taking on another person in my life is just too much of an anxiety for me.

I cancelled on Brian today.  I cancelled on Dan last night.  I keep putting Jim off and I should just tell them all I am not ready yet.  I made a mistake.  I am just afraid of another person in my life telling me what I am doing wrong.

On the bright side, I got some grades back on some more of my papers:  100%, 94% and 93%.  I have 3 more grades to get back.  And in the meantime, I am going to make myself be more proactive this next week.  I am making a list of what I am going to do and on what day.  A WRITTEN list.  I have been carrying it around in my head and it looks overwhelming swimming around up there.

I am not entirely sure I am done with menopause...or there is something else going on.  I will randomly get really really hot and break out in a sweat.  I think I am going to just spontaneously combust!  Then it goes away.  Maybe God has heard my prayer to melt the fat off of me and that is what He is doing...turning up the heat to melt the fat!!!  LOL

Okay.  Back to the book, the reading, vacuuming, laundry, applications (I am still getting job notices everyday).  But not back to the dating.  That is a big NO for now.  At least I keep trying. 

Here is the thing with my life that I don't get....nobody is perfect.  We all do wrong.  But when I do something that isn't right, I apologize for it.  Or I ask God for forgiveness...it depends on what it is.  Then I try not to do it again. However, and this could be because I pick the wrong people to open up to and trust, I do not get an apology.  I am sick and tired of people making me out  to be so much more worse than I am.  And, no, this is not anything recent but I carry hurt for a long time.  Especially after I have trusted people with who I am...my thoughts, and secrets and then they turn around and use it against me.  I guess I will just not do that anymore.  Not trust.  (I know you are reading this and you know who you are.  Shame on you.   Oh...you have it all right)