The Virus Inside and Out

 I spent the evening with Lynn, my neighbor, yesterday.  Her house is neat, clean...and sparse. She reminds me of my Aunt Doris. Aunt Doris was a minimalist.  Lynn had not one Christmas decoration.  It isn't that Lynn is an unbeliever. She goes to church every Sunday.  She just doesn't feel a need to decorate since it is only she that lives there.  I could be that way but it is just traditional.  I need the decorations.  

Lynn says she doesn't like to cook, even though she has a freezer and pantry full of healthy foods.  I told her my thing in the winter is crockpots full of homemade soup.  I told her I would text her whenever I made a crockpot of some and tell her what kind I have and if she wants to stop by and have some then she is welcome.  She said, "I'll bring some wine!"  I told her that she didn't need to bring wine.  I don't like to drink so much.  If she wants to drink it with her soup, then it is up to her.

I got home and into my pj's just in time to get a call from Debbie. She was on her way home from her nursing shift. She told about the large number of COVID patients and the one that coded out on her.  She said her youngest daughter, Olivia, who lives with her and works at the hospital not too far from me, just tested positive for COVID.  Debbie told her admin and they told HER not to get tested unless she had symptoms.  This means, she could be attending to patients, have the virus but be asymptomatic, and be giving it to someone that is already sick.  

Ironically, after I talked to her, I got a text from my ex sister-in-law/friend Belinda who let me know her oldest sister Karen (whom I really loved because she was always so sweet, funny, and kind) had just died at the hospital where Debbie is working.  Karen had a lot of health issues for a while.  She was very over weight and did nothing to rectify her health situation. She had been in this hospital for a week.  She had sepsis, bad lungs, and ended up having emergency surgery early Thursday morning for a stomach infection then was put on a ventilator.  Last night she coded 3 times and the 4th time they could not bring her back.  I certainly am not telling her the information that Debbie shared with me about her COVID situation. It would make Belinda feel even worse.  

Then on the Christian breaking news this morning I was listening about how the Catholic Archbishop has urged the church to reject Joe Biden.  The nation of Israel is preparing for renewed attacks when Biden takes office as it endured when Obama was president.  

It looks as though God has decided that it is now the time for the end.  Instead of fighting for our pathetic lives on this planet, we should be preparing for our lives in His Kingdom.  It is scary because this is what we know down here. Heaven is unknown but I do know that it will be so much better.  I do pray for family and friends that need to be saved, still.  It weighs on my heart.  

Caught In My Brain

 I am definitely a product of my parents.  My mother has anxiety and needs to have control over things.  Since she learned to let go of trying to control what her kids do (I must have been quite the disappointment when I moved back here because she was expecting someone she would have to take care of and I refused to let her do it) she has put herself into the outdoors around her.  I won't even get in to that.  I will say, her need to 'prove' her worth has caused her to neglect her physical and put too much strain on her shoulder replacement and now it looks like she will need a new one.

My father has dark moods.  They will come out of nowhere and he refuses to interact with anyone...and it is best if you don't try to make him, either.  He doesn't get physically violent (although I have seen him snap and throw things a few times) but he is surly in his conversation and says things that can be hurtful.  On the other hand, when a problem presents itself, he will roll it around in his head and look it over, consult books, etc, until he comes up with a solution. Once he is engaged in that, let him go.

I have my mother's anxiety but have learned to step back from my kids' lives.  It was easier with Bethany because she and Jordan showed me a long time ago that they can work together and solve things together.  They plan and implement the plan. With my son, he has been more needy.  I enabled that.  I admit it.  He had a problem and instead of letting him figure it out, I jumped in and took over.  I was always worried about his stress/anxiety level and afraid he would regress into panic attacks.  He is doing okay now.  And, with each thing he learns to do on his own, it is having the opposite effect...he is gaining confidence and losing some anxiety.  Really, I should have realized that would happen but...I just couldn't seem to let go.  

I am pouring myself into my work and my home again.  I am finding time for friends around me...even in this time of COVID.  I passed my first class on Auditory Processing Disorder with a 100% A+.  I am working on another class that is in it's second of 3 phases.  I passed the first phase with 100%.  

I had to replace a shut off valve on the toilet in my main bathroom.  I happened to have bought one because I had noticed that it wouldn't shut off and I knew I had to replace the inside working of the toilet tank. Then it suddenly started dripping profusely all over the floor a week later.  So, there I was, with wrenches taking it apart and putting the new one on.  My dad came the next day and replaced the tank parts for me while I was working.  He didn't seem to mind and neither did my mom.  He got out of the house, was busy and my mom got some time to herself as well.  I am glad I am useful.  LOL  When foraging in the basement for my Christmas decorations I found a surprise. When I came back from TJ's when I went to see the new home, I brought back some rubbermaid storage boxes that I have leant them to pack and move.  I put them in the basement.  It so happens they were beneath my main bathroom, right below where the toilet sits. And when the shut off valve flooded the floor and the water leaked through the floor around the toilet, it all fell inside the empty storage box.  If that box hadn't been there, they water would have been all over my basement floor.

Back to my classes...they have projects that have to be put together.  I read all of the assignments and see what will be expected then I roll it around in my head for a while until I come up with something that will satisfy my class project AND I can use with my students as I make lessons. That way, I am not doing double the work.  It saves time and I can see my project working as I submit it for a grade.

You should see my daily calendar.  I have it all lined up with what I have to do.  This included writing IEP documents, phone calls to parents, recording help videos for my students, doing my course work, etc.  

The problem with what dad and I do...getting lost in the problem...is we neglect ourselves.  I have tried to include time, now, to revamp my diet to make it work better for me.  I have also done some thinking about me and how I respond and act with people.  You sometimes don't see your own problem.  People come at me and want to DO things and take me along and my first response it to recoil.  'That's not in my plan!'  I think part of it is I don't trust.  Another part of it is I am afraid that they will decide I no longer fit into their life and will leave and I will never see them again.  I am trying to be okay with that possibility.  No one likes rejection, after all.  I also am trying to be okay with the idea that just because you meet people and like them, does not mean you have to be in each other's lives.  I don't have to be everybody's friend.  I may like who they are and what they do....possibly though there are just enough things about each of us that would not be a good fit to be constant friends.  I may have a small tight circle of people that I trust and want to be around but that's okay.  I have never been a 'large circle' kind of person.  It is tiring to be that way...for me. I feel like I am on display.  I have learned that I have my own thoughts and likes and if someone is in agreement, great but if not, they are allowed that also. Move on and out.  I don't take it as a sign of rejection of ME...just differences.  And some people are not comfortable with those differences.  I am not comfortable with some differences. 

Sometimes I alter my plans.  Like today.  I took a break from teaching today so that I could get my course work caught up.  I was overwhelmed and I have learned to recognize it and give myself a break before I have a melt down.  So, having acknowledged that, it is time to get back to it.