Running on Empty

I sometimes feel like my body is going to shut down.  I have to talk to myself...urge myself to just hang in there a bit longer....pray for strength. 

So many things going on around me...trying to quickly get things fixed up in the house for a showing...put it up for sale.  Trying to sort, rid out...while traveling for testing...hold extra help session classes for my kids...getting a refi going on the mortgage...quit claim deed....

I came across something surprising.  It says in the divorce agreement that if I sell the house before I get the mortgage refinanced under just my name, then he gets 40% of the profits from the sale of the house.  But if I refi, he gets nothing.  I also have to get the quit claim deed done...that the lawyer missed doing during the divorce.  Now ASS II is trying to lay some guilt on me because he wants money. 

I have to gather things together to complete the refi.  I have to gather things together to get my new Intervention Specialist teaching license...and that is $200.

I stripped the diningroom floor and refinished it.  It is still not great...I need to redo the middle of it. 

There is a list of small things here and there that need to be done also. 

Had a showing of the house (off the record) and they hit me with an offer that was insulting.  It was for less than what ASS II and I paid for the house when WE bought it.

This weekend is the community garage sale.  I have to get ready for that because I need to clear more stuff out of the house. 

It is the end of the school year.  There is a lot to do.  My head is spinning.

And there are not really many houses up in NE Ohio that are in my price range of what I can afford on my salary.  ASS II makes 2.5 times what I make and he is trying to guilt me into giving HIM money.  He has shown me way too many times that he couldn't care less about me and what happens to me.  I have to take care of me.  And I will.  I am following the Divorce Agreement that he read ahead of time, just like I did...and he agreed to it.  I need all the money I can get for a down payment,.  He said he wants to be able to buy a house too but he has no money saved for a down payment.  And why not???  He has a 'roommate'  with a job who should be paying half of the rent, etc.  Not my fault he had to have a big fancy truck or jet skis...and likes to spend money like water to impress his friends.  I cut off my satellite service so save a few bucks...switched cell phone services to save a few bucks...you name it.

I was the one that has done the work on this house: painting...backsplash...stripping...staining...electrical work...rescreening...my money...my time...my blood and sweat...I paid for the gutter covers (that was not cheap!).  So much I have done.

I even have to fix some of the stuff he did. 

He did not mind divorcing me and cutting me loose after I lost my job...and wanted me to sell the house...and the kids were still living here and I had the 3 dogs.  Nope....no money. 

For all of the things he has put me through over the years...drug addiction...bankruptcy...identity theft...choosing to spend his free time with his friends instead of at home with his family....he can kiss my ass.

I am worn out and just want some peace.  And I am tired of being lonely.  So tired of it.  Married to him for 25 years before this and I was lonely then.  I never got married to be alone.  I did everything for him and made his life just too easy and then he treats me like that.  I was an idiot.  But I will not be an idiot this time around. 

A Wrinkle in the Day

First off...A Wrinkle in Time...it was AWFUL! AMAZINGLY AWFUL!!! I do not believe there is anyone out there that can do that book justice.  Unless they are willing to make a mini series out of it. ..like 6-10 shows.  And don't change the characters!!! Ugh

Okay...on with 'things'.

Today was my test day.  I cannot honestly tell you how I think I did.  I  have no idea.  It was HOURS of mini situations and making the best choice.  It was a lot of mental reasoning.  6 hours.  Thankfully it was 3 hours at a time.

It was downpouring, thundering and lightening all the way of the 25 minute drive during morning rush hour traffic to get there.  I was nerved up.  The test center was cold.  I had not slept much in the 2 days leading up to the test.

Lucy had refused to go outside to relieve herself at all in the morning.  The storm scared her.  ( mental note to self: the next place I live needs to have a covered outside area for her to potty in bad weather).  

So I had 3 hours before the next test.  I drove home in a heavy down pour.  I had to stand outside with her so she would go.  She was thrilled to see me.

I headed back and it was not raining. I told the woman at the test center the weather ppl said we were in for hail and tornadoes.  She laughed.

A bit more than 2 hours into my 2nd test, we were told to shut off our monitors and head down to the bottom floor and gather under the stairwell because the tornado sirens were going off.

I was stuck in this spot...wedged in with 3 floors of employees whose phones were sending out alarms and certain ones of them were announcing the tornado's course and another had a frantic weatherman telling ppl to take cover and get off the freeway.  I was thinking, "I left my phone upstairs in the security locker.  And what if something happens to my car?"  While trying not to freak out!

After almost a half hour of this, we got the 'all clear'.  I sat down, very much awake...but warm because I had brought a sweater with me after freezing during the first test...read the rest of my questions and finished. 

I went out to my car and it was pouring. I sat there waiting to calm down before I had to hit the rush hour traffic home.  As I calmed down, so did the weather.  It quit raining and I took that as my cue.

It is all in God's hands.  I hope I did better than 'just passed'.  Cuz I have a secret.  Every since I was old enough to read my achievement test outcomes, I discovered that they said that I was performing above my cognitive capacity.  I am maxing myself out...and then pushing the 'sonic' button.  My brain has been working at top speed most of my life and then some.  I have been wringing every drop I can out of it.  And, today, I actually felt it. 

I have just always pushed it because I could not accept anything less.  I could not accept that my cognitive abilities were not all that astounding.  And for the past year and a half I have pushed it because I have felt that I don't have a choice.  I HAVE to succeed.

But taking those tests...I actually felt that I was reaching way beyond my grasp.
And if I don't pass them the first time...I do not know if I can try again.  Oh...you know I will...becuz...I HAVE to.  Otherwise, everything I have done in the last year and a half will be a worthless pile.  And I won't have a job.  Then what?

God.  It's definitely up to You!