I am the patient. I am healing. But to heal, I must be patient. Now I know why the person that is healing is called a patient. However, that is a presumptuous label. I have forced myself to be patient.
I worked my arse off trying to get some things taken care of that I knew I would be unable to do anything about for a while. I got the worst of the grass out of the rose garden so it would save it for a few weeks (I still have to go out there and really dig and clear more grass roots). I had work things to take care of. I turned my 8 page paper for my class into a 12 page paper but it was not my best work. I needed those other 4 days to work on it and make it flow better and be more cohesive. But, in the end, it did not get such a bad grade.
So, with the joined efforts (and vehicles) of Jordan, Bethany and I, we got her moved on the Sunday after her dad left (6/4). The vanity was done (but not the chair). I still have to paint, and recover the seat, of the vanity chair. This will be done this week. I did not have time to do the kitchen island. I always have such ambitious plans for myself and I could probably do it all if I didn't have to sleep. I will, hopefully, get to it at the end of this week, as well.
At the school employee conference, the head of the Family Academic Services department (under which my job falls) introduced me to the head of the Special Education department with the idea that she would talk to me about possibly working in her department starting this year. Apparently I can get a temporary certification for Intervention Specialist while I finish my classes. It would be like an internship because they would connect me with a training mentor and I would be closely guided through the job. Supposedly. I have heard from other IS personnel that were hired for the IS position that they felt as if they were thrown into the deep end of the pool and left to flail their way into learning how to swim on their own. HOWEVER, I have the added bonus as having made some connections/relationships with some of the other IS personnel and I am in no way afraid to ask questions nor ask for help. I have something to pray about and ponder. On one hand, I know it would most likely be a great idea to get some experience and training this next year before I have to take my certification tests because it will help me pass those tests. On the other hand, I do not want o necessarily go through a year of stress and upheaval again and would like to keep the job I have for one more year and have some room to relax somewhat. The job I have is pretty flexible if I need to do something and we have been given some training on how to arrange things in such a way as to make things easier. I would like to use that training, however, there are pros and cons to both jobs and decisions.
My eye surgery went well. I am pleased. The doctor said that once he removed the scar tissue, my retina smoothed back out and fell back into place and it did not look damaged like he expected. I attribute this to lots of prayers from family and friends. He inserted a small gas bubble just to make sure it did stay in place on that first day especially. I had to lay face down for the first 8 hours then I could sleep on my side. I was to do NOTHING...no housework, no reading, no computer...I could only watch TV. Yippee. I spent a lot of hours watching TEDtv and documentaries. I was told that other people having this surgery have had to lay face down for DAYS. yuck. I was told during my first check up after 5 days that my eye is healing better and faster than expected. The gas bubble still remains in the bottom of my eye...a small bit of bubble that is annoying. I keep thinking I got something on the bottom of my eye glass lens.
I have spent my time also avoiding Scott. It turns out that he says his job keeps him busy June-October and he is away most of that time. This is not an ideal situation for me. If I am going to invest in someone then they are going to be HERE. I have had enough of separation relationships. If I get into another relationship he is going to be HERE. He does not have to be joined at my hip because that is not healthy either. But I do not want to have to figure out how to take care of everything myself, again. I want support and help. I want to feel wanted. I know I am going to have to 'adult' and let him know how I feel about this whole thing. It is not nice to 'ghost' someone...as my daughter says it is called. I will not just fade away. Ppl need closure.
I have a lot of things to do in the next 5 weeks. However, this week should be great weather wise so I should be able to get a lot of things marked off my bucket list. I just hold my breath and hope that weather for the NEXT few weeks is just as good. It will be what it will be. But time to make a schedule and plan and stick to it.
I am finding some nice points to being here alone. I do not have a trail of mess to clean up after someone else. I can open the windows on these summer days and turn on ceiling fans and live with the summer warmth without anyone complaining. AC is great if the day is hot AND humid or the outside temp gets about mid 80's. My family lived for AC. They ALL complained if I opened the windows and shut off the AC. I do that in my car also...open the sunroof, the windows and let the natural air blow through.
I can also keep my fridge and cupboards snack and forbidden food free. My cupboards look fairly empty and my fridge does too because I do not have left overs. I cook what I need for one meal and that is it. I have no chips or 'good for you' protein bars, no sugary things. I have sugar free/low carb bread, peanut butter that has no salt, extremely small amt of sugar and carbs, salad, veggies, sugar free/no carb salad dressing, and meat that has to be cooked...not already cooked/sauced and full of preservatives.
I will use my grill for the first time tomorrow. It is a massive thing that I do not need at this time. However, perhaps once I move. Yes, I am more sure than ever that I do want to move back up to NE Ohio next summer. I will be more settled and comfortable. HOWEVER, I am wondering what my daughter's living arrangement will be at that time. She and Jordan have only been living together for 3 weeks and she is finding out his personality bears quite a few similarities to her father's. He is insistent that his 'ideas' are the right ones, he lectures her on her diet (to the point that she is 'hiding' a pint of almond milk ice cream in my freezer) and will turn the stove down when she is cooking because he tells her it is too high of a temperature. All of this is aggravating her. I told her that they have a year to work on their issues and if things do not show signs of changing or do not get better in any way, if he is entrenched in this personality type, she needs to walk or she will be signing up for the same relationship I had for years. She says she is more than aware and will be willing to walk away in order to avoid my mistakes. I grimace because I remember how upset she got when I was wigging out about how Jordan had gotten into my linen closet and straightened the towels, etc up in such an intricate state of folding and lining up and exact spacing that it was like Sleeping With the Enemy because I thought their dad had been here. Jordan had even gone one step farther and organized my kitchen shelves. She said it was no big deal. I told her it was because 1) he didn't even know me, 2) her dad did that when he was upset with me, 3) his birthday is exactly one week after her dad's. NOW she is beginning to see why I was so wigged out. I hope he has an ability to change however, I am afraid he has too many mental issues because of his childhood. His mom left him and his dad because she is bi-polar and is not good at taking meds. She moved on to another guy, they had a child and she left him. She is now with another guy and they have a child (who has autism) and is on and off with her meds still. Jordan's dad is not a positive emotional person. He did a lot of things Bethany's dad did....criticize, ignore, long lectures, and, to feel like he was doing something for his son he would throw some money at him once in a while. He basically gave Jordan the message that he never did anything right and he was a constant screw up. And it HAS affected Jordan's mental and emotional state. Just like Troy. TJ may have fallen to the same mental and emotional fate as his dad but he had a mom that was there for him and encouraging and loving. Bethany, however, has the problem I had after years with her dad...she becomes quickly defensive whenever anyone says anything that she perceives as critical and negative...even if it is just an observation or suggestion. She has THAT to get over.
I do not want my daughter's heart broken but I would rather it happen at 22 than years later, if it has to happen. She has more time to recover and find a better partner. However, we will see how it plays out.
Patient healing. Emphasis on PATIENT.
