Off to the Races

This has been a very 'interesting' week.

It began with Mr. Ex coming into town last Wednesday morning.  He asked if he could stop and see Bethany, take a nap and get some coffee.  It was a 12 hour drive for him, which turned into something longer because of a major 2 hour back up due to some accident on the freeway.  He ended up pulling over in a store parking lot and falling asleep for an hour.

Since I am not heartless I allowed it.  I was going to give them the grill so that Bethany, Jordan, and perhaps TJ and Brittany could have dinner with him.  Then he could take off to his mom's.  I was going to go to Trivia with my Meetup group.  But that is not how it turned out.

Jordan was too tired after work and said he did not feel well.  So, he didn't come.  Then TJ said he had a Dr's appt after work and it would be too late if he came plus he had to be up for work at 4:30 a.m.  AND Brittany was working late.  I was too tired to go to Trivia myself and planned on just cooking myself something so he and Bethany could go out to dinner.  He insisted that I go with them.  Since he was being Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice, I went.  Then the tornado sirens started going off.  It turned into a night of tornado watch as it headed for our town.  He was not going anywhere.  The tornado touched down in the town east of us (what a mess) then took a turn and headed into the town north of us. The all clear did not happen until close to midnight.

I slept on the mattress for my new bed by putting it in the bedroom/office at the end of the hall.  I let him sleep on the huge brick of a bed in my bedroom that he is taking back to Kansas with him.  My new bed may be smaller but I don't have to climb up into it AND it is ever so much more comfortable.

He came back Monday.  Monday night.  My parents had gone to a community garage sale and bought me a snow blower.  I am not sure why they have always worried about this and been insistent on me having a snow blower.  But, they got Mr. Ex to stop at their place before he came back and pick it up for me and bring it back.  My mother told me the next day that since she hadn't been around him in a while, she had forgotten about this but now knows what I mean by him making you feel irritated.  She says he is a different individual who just can't seem to help himself and leaves you feeling irritated.

I liken him to this:  it is like having a constant pain that you can't seem to get rid of so you learn to live with it and over time, it has become such a natural part of your daily life you don't really notice that it is there...but your mind knows.  Then one day, miraculously, the pain is gone.  You know something is different but you don't really notice.  You just know that you are more relaxed and things are not so difficult.  THEN...suddenly, one day, that pain returns. What is this tightness in your chest...the knot in your stomach...the choking down a scream?  OH! Wow...I had forgotten what that feels like!

With his Monday return, he is not Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice anymore because, well...he has not changed and he could not pretend forever.  He is back to Mr. Grumble and Complain about everything.

I took Max to the dog groomer to get his nails clipped in anticipation of his trip to his new home in Kansas.  Max jumped up into the front seat beside me, like he used to.  Sitting there all big and important like my co-pilot.  I cried most of the way home from the dog groomers and feeling a deep pain of hatred towards Mr. Ex for bringing so much sorrow and change into my life.

I hadn't been home very long (Mr. Ex had gone out to lunch with our son) and Bethany came in from the hair salon.  She was on the phone with her bf.  When she hung up she said, "our August apartment is ready NOW.  We have to see it Thursday but if it is good, we can get started moving in...already."

I lost it.  Too many changes all at once.  I was preparing myself for her moving out, but not NOW.  It wasn't long before Mr. Ex and TJ came in the door. Bethany told her dad about moving out, he saw me in the family room cleaning something (that's what I do when I am upset) and started to say something to me.  I was holding a big scrub brush.  I looked at him and said, "you really do not want to be talking to me right now." and it came out sounding like a hiss!  He just turned on his heel and went back outside.

He and TJ and Bethany loaded the couch in the family room to take to TJ's.  I bought them a cover for it.  It was an extra and a steel frame couch.  The one they had was falling apart....very cheap.  I figure this way, they get a couch and I have one less thing to get rid of myself in anticipation of moving.    I had also found them this great coffee table that the top lifts up on it and locks into place like a table.  So, they loaded that into the back of Mr. Ex's truck too.  Then Bethany hopped into the truck with them and away they went.

I pulled myself together and went on a first date with a new guy.  He seems nice.  He seems to really like ME.  He trains and races horses (harness racing).  He loves his job.  Everyone should find something they like.  Not a swear word out of his mouth.  He even insisted on saying a prayer before our meal.  He likes to do just about anything.  He has a great, happy attitude about life.  Not a bad looking guy!  He looks a bit older than me but he is younger.  It is mainly the gray hair but he is not bad looking.  Before I left the restaurant, he wanted to lock down a date for Thursday night.  He will be leaving town for harness racing in KY for about a week but he wanted to get one more date in before he left.   So, we are going to a movie.

I remember doing one of those weird quizzes that mean nothing on FB a few months ago.  It was supposed to foretell what will happen in your life within the next year.  It told me I would have a new home and someone new in my life.  I am thinking I may have someone new in my life but I may not be moving. If he turns out to be someone pretty great, I will hang here.  My mother will be disappointed but she will learn to live with it.  BUT I am getting way ahead of the game.

My boss was going over our year end evaluations.  She sent me an email asking me if I was taking the Intervention Specialist classes because this is something I really want to do eventually (silly question?). She said, if I want, she can talk to Johna (head of the Special Ed department). I could possibly get a temporary IS cert. until I can get my actual license next spring and I could work for our school as an IS next year.  It wouldn't really be any more money but I would view it as paid on the job training.  I told her she could talk to Johna and see if it is a possibility...then I would make up my mind.  I really like the job I am doing BUT I miss being a teacher.  If I do this on the job training with OHVA, it would be a year's experience then I could get hired for way more money somewhere else.

God is really taking me out of my comfort zone.  I wanted  peace and calm and stability.  I am getting the opposite.  Everything is in turmoil right now.

And today...I have EOY school stuff to do to batten down the hatches and help Mr. Ex load up some stuff so he can get his butt out of here. There is NO WAY he could have fit everything he needed to take into the 6 ft. bed of his truck.  I told him that he needed to rent a trailer BECAUSE, and I looked him in the eye and said, "When you take off out of here, this is the last time.  You divorced me and I cannot have you around.  It is painful and not fair to ME.  I need you to realize that you have to be gone.  So, if you don't get what you want now, I am just going to get rid of it myself."  It clicked with him and he agreed to rent a trailer.  So, this is it.  Gone.  The final send off.  Maybe he will find himself a gf.  Make more of an effort.  Move on...like he wanted to.

Odd how he was the one that initiated the divorce yet he kept one foot in my door.  He has always been one of those ppl that could not fully commit to a decision.  I always had to do it.  It drives me crazy to waffle on the fence.  I will just jump on one side or the other realizing it may not be the best decision but it is a decision.  And I could always do damage control later if I have to but at least I committed to something.  He couldn't even commit to a marriage. His whole life is indecision.  To tell you the truth, I think he would get back with me if I was the one to say, "We are going to work on this and put this back together."  And if you look at it, I was the one that really pulled the trigger on the divorce.  He said he wanted it but was not really doing anything about it.  I got the lawyer, got the papers drawn up, negotiated it out with him and set the court date and even picked his butt up at the hotel and took him to the courthouse.  If I had not done that, we may still be married.  And now, I have made the decision for him to leave out of here and not come back.  I have dealt with it in my own mind and while it will be different living without that pain in my arse, I will darned well get used to it because I have made a decision...a final decision...the gavel has come down and made it official.  Take his Grumbling and Complaining butt back to Kansas where he can do what he wants, when he wants and never have to worry about someone else messing it up.

oy.

Finding the Measuring Stick

My son came last Thursday and had lunch with me.  He also brought stuff for the garage sale.  I had him sort through some things in the basement that he had left behind.

He was overly stressed and let out a whole string of frustrations..with things going on with life issues, with Brit, etc.  I am sorry to say I was more able to give him encouragement and advice in how to maybe deal with the life issues that were happening but I was not so encouraging about Brit and his relationship.

This morning I turned on the TV and was looking for a good sermon.  I was going to visit a new church this morning, since the one I used to attend is dying.  It is so sad.  BUT my back is hurting and stiff this morning so I am sitting in the chair with the heat pad.   I am hoping to go to the evening service at the new church.  This is another thing that interested me in the new church...Sunday evening services.  They have Wednesday evening bible study also, if I want to do that too.  Not too many churches do more than the Sunday morning service anymore.

I saw the Jim and Karen Evans "MarrigeToday" sermon.  I had heard them AFTER my marriage ended.  It struck me that neither TJ nor Brit had a good example of marriage before them.  Her parents were both messed up...her dad was an alcoholic (who not too long ago was saved and has been alcohol free since) and her mom is just a nut job with a weird 2nd marriage.  And TJ's dad and I did everything wrong.  I turned the marriage into a business relationship because of the example set before me by my parents and because he never knew how to be a mature husband...he pursued his own desires and never really became a husband.  

So, I am ordering them the DVD copy of "Emotionally Healthy Marriage" because they like to sit and watch movies, etc. together and this would be an excellent thing for them to do together.  Then I am going to pray about it.   This DVD series will not help if they do not have the mind set of wanting to change and make things better.  A crappy marriage is not good for anyone.  Divorce is not a fun thing to go through.  Brit may not be my favorite person but I am not the one that is married to her...I am not the one that has to make it work with her.  I love my son and I want him to be happy.

On another note...my eye surgery has been scheduled for June 15.  If I did it earlier I would have to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork for my HR department.  I would miss the last 2 weeks of work.  I have way more than enough sick days to cover it but they would require FMLA paperwork anyway, along with disability paperwork...in case.  ugh.  Our vacation officially begins June 16.  Our conference in Kalahari is June 13 and 14.  When the scheduling nurse on the phone told me there was an opening on June 15 I said, PERFECT!  So, she scheduled it.  I will have to finish my last 2 weeks of my class ahead of time because I will not be allowed to be on my computer, read my phone, or read a book for 2 weeks.  (good by texting and social media...maybe it will create different habits for me).

I am busy clearing things out.  My garage is going to look like it has a whole lot more room.  I am emptying out my family room.  The flex steel couch that is out there will be going to TJ and Brit. They need a decent couch.  The one they have is breaking down (cheap thing) and I will not need this one anymore.  I have a cover on it and Max uses it to sleep on.  I bought a black couch cover for it (because they wanted a black couch) and when TJ's dad is here in a few weeks to see his mom and get Max to take to Kansas with him, he can take it to TJ's in the back of his truck (he already agreed to it) and then he can take TJ's old couch with him back to Kansas with him because he needed something like that to put in his bedroom for Max to sleep on.  I get rid of furniture I don't need, TJ and Brit get a good couch, and Max gets a couch to sleep on when he gets to his new home.  WIN...WIN...WIN!!!

I sold the old retro end stands and coffee table in the family room.  I have always hated them but they were useful for a while.  We had a room that needed furniture and my mom needed to get rid of her old furniture.  I like how things go around.  I also sold my old antique china cabinet.  My parents got it for me at a storage auction way back when Douche and I moved into our first home...over 25 years ago.  It has moved from place to place with us and I didn't want to move it again.  Some woman at the garage sale yesterday told me that the cabinet is worth more than I sold it for.  Here is my way of looking at it...it is worth only what people are willing to pay for it.  I wanted to sell it and I did.
I also have a huge mess of Currier and Ives I need to get rid of.  I will have to advertise it.

There is so much junk in my basement.  I can haul some out for the trash and some has to go to specialized refuse places (electronics, toxic waste, etc).  But I will work on it throughout the summer.  This house is going to get down to the empty before I have to start packing to move myself.

Today is a great day to work outside so I will.  Mowing, weeding, mulching.  Looking forward to making it pretty.  The flowering bushes have gotten so very large because of the mild winter.  I have decided what i am going to do to fill in a few empty spots that I still have.  Things look pretty good but I need to finish it off.  Sad that I will not be here to enjoy it over the years.

I have joined a new Meetup group.  Part of the group meets at a local sports bar and grill on Wednesday nights for Trivia.  I am looking forward to that and I hope it turns out well.  There is a large bunch of women from the group that have signed up for a 3-4 hour canoe trip beginning of June and I jumped in on that!  I have been wanting to do this and...yay!  I also signed up to join them at our City park for a music festival.  I am just looking for fun things to do and meet new people.  Life has been dull and I am feeling lonely.  This is not my life.

They say someone will show up when you quit looking.  So...maybe...because right now what I am concentrating on is clearing out, and finding a GROUP of people that I can do things with...enjoy my life.  I have a long way to go and I refuse to go down less than happy.