So perhaps I could write about tutoring my kids at home...while they are supposed to be getting educated at the school they are enrolled in. I had to teach them organization: both class work and for writing essays, stories and reports. I had (have) to help them learn their math. I guess I'm not doing so good at that becuz my daughter was a GREAT math student until she hit middle school then something went wrong. I had to help her with her lessons becuz she didn't understand what the teacher was trying to show them in class. I would spend about 5 minutes explaining it, I would hear, "OOOHHHH!" and she would whiz through her homework and get an A. My son did well in math...always, as long as I sat and explained it to him then he was off and running. Now he is in college and he is majorly struggling with it. He KNOWS if I sit and show him and work with him a bit he gets it. Yet, he still resists doing that! Now he is freaking out becuz he has one more class this summer (algebra II) then Trig in the fall. I have to figure out how to instil some confidence in him with this math. He works through it slowly, second and third guessing himself through it all. I have told him ALL his life, "You are looking for something 10x's harder than it really is! It is NOT that difficult. There is a logic and pattern to everything." If he can sit and use html code to build a web site without the help of web builder programs, then he should be able to do math!
Parenting takes listening...REALLY listening. Listen for what they are really trying to tell you between the words coming out of their mouth. The even more difficult part is listening to what they are trying to tell you when they are saying nothing. You have to KNOW your kid.
There have been times when I quit listening to my son. I said I didn't get him. I may not always GET him but I know him. I think what I took as not getting him is really being afraid of what I know. He is scared, unsure, and any confidence he had in himself has slowly leached from him and down the drain. It is really tough trying to prop him back up.
Sometimes they need it. Most times they need it.
My daughter doesn't fool me. She puts on a brave face and acts like she is 'good'...has it figured out OR she can figure it out herself. But I know what is really there becuz she is me. I was just like her..still am. We all need someone to at least be by us as we journey forth, and sometimes clear a path for us once in a while, no matter how old we are.
I get weary myself becuz all my life ppl have stood back and let me do it all myself. They have ALL thought that I have a plan...I'm determined...I am smart...I know what I want and how to get it...I don't ask for help becuz I don't need it.
Here's a clue: It's the ones that DON'T ask for help that need someone else to give them a break and start clearing a path for them once in a while. NO ONE always knows...
And that is why my daughter can count on me to be there to hold her hand or start clearing a path for her once in a while. She won't ask...but I know she would like to.
My son is trying to be strong and independent. He is doing the 'guy thing'. Getting help from mom with his college math makes him feel like a kid...a mama's boy. I think tomorrow I am going to put a label on my shirt that says, "Math Tutor". Wonder if that will make him feel any differently?
I guess by the time I am done with my math tutoring of my kids I will have made up my mind if I want that masters in math ed. or not.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Writers Wanted, part 1
I was amused while looking through an online version of the old hometown newspaper...I glanced through their classifieds. They have fallen into the same pit as a lot of online newspapers; their employment classifieds are actually Monster boards. ick.
What amused me was the ads for writers...blog writers. One of the ads was for someone who was an expert on parenting to write a blog on it.
What amused me was the ads for writers...blog writers. One of the ads was for someone who was an expert on parenting to write a blog on it.
My thoughts exactly.
Everyday is an adventure in parent land. My mother made it look so easy, for the most part. Then again, she was always in a whirl.
When my son was small, there was something (and don't ask me what it was, I think it had something to do with table manners) that flipped a switch about a fundamental piece of handy info all parents should be told about raising kids: They don't just automatically know stuff...they have to be TAUGHT EVERYTHING. This should be common sense for parenting but it reallys doesn't seem to be. I think my generation just really never got it. Want proof? Just look around at the generation behind us...not ALL of them are messed up but enough of the percentage of the population to make it seem like they are all pretty much without morals and lacking a logical thinking process.
I have noticed too many parents of my generation that just figure their offspring will automatically KNOW stuff. Where's the guidance? And not everything has to have a good 'reason'...sometimes courtesy should be good enough. But when the children grow up with parents that are so centrally focused on themselves they kinda get the idea that this world is pretty much 'every person for themselves'. I still believe in the golden rule: do unto others as you want them to do unto you. I have raised my kids that way. They are finding out that not too many ppl think like that.
AND the death of the golden rule is one of the reasons this country is in the state it is in...but that is a whole nother rant entirely.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Just Keep It Simple
Got rid of all of that busy background. I couldn't stand to look at my own blog! There is something to be said for keeping things simple.
Just like anything I do...I find that if I want time to do anything for myself, I have to keep the rest of my life simple. Summer is coming and even though I want my yard and gardens to look nice, I do not want to be like my parents and be a slave to my yard. That is all they do all summer and fall...work on their yard/gardens. My mother complains about how much work it is...and she doesn't seem to believe in garden fabric or using Preen or anything else that might help.
Last summer we did most of the hard work. I figure this summer I can add a little tweaking to some of the gardens. Next summer the same. But there is NOT going to be the hard labor this summer that there was last year. I want to enjoy some of the summer with my family...go kayaking, biking, etc. The kids won't be around much longer...and even if they are, we are all getting older.
Life goes by so very quickly. I liked the home I grew up in but all I remember is my parents constantly redoing parts, adding on, improving, working in the yard, etc. Thank goodness for the motorhome or we would have NEVER done anything. We could count on at least 2 weeks ever other year.
And now, you know what? I am going to go sit in the family room and read a book. Troy is gone..the kids are watching some goofy show in the livingroom. I have taken care of dinner and laundry AND I did 3 miles on my excercise machine. Perhaps a nice glass of Traminer Reisling would go good with that book.
Just like anything I do...I find that if I want time to do anything for myself, I have to keep the rest of my life simple. Summer is coming and even though I want my yard and gardens to look nice, I do not want to be like my parents and be a slave to my yard. That is all they do all summer and fall...work on their yard/gardens. My mother complains about how much work it is...and she doesn't seem to believe in garden fabric or using Preen or anything else that might help.
Last summer we did most of the hard work. I figure this summer I can add a little tweaking to some of the gardens. Next summer the same. But there is NOT going to be the hard labor this summer that there was last year. I want to enjoy some of the summer with my family...go kayaking, biking, etc. The kids won't be around much longer...and even if they are, we are all getting older.
Life goes by so very quickly. I liked the home I grew up in but all I remember is my parents constantly redoing parts, adding on, improving, working in the yard, etc. Thank goodness for the motorhome or we would have NEVER done anything. We could count on at least 2 weeks ever other year.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Resurrection
When I was a small kid, even with all the Sunday School lessons, I was still somewhat confused about Easter. I thought of Easter as the day the Jesus was crucified. I thought Good Friday was the day He was captured and brought before Pilate. I did not see what was GOOD about that.
Then when I got older, I realized the Easter was the day Jesus rose from the grave. Good Friday was the day Jesus was crucified. I REALLY didn't understand what was GOOD about that. With age came understanding...and then I began to understand why it was GOOD Friday.
IS Good Friday.
My son has had a rough go of it since he was in kindergarten. At least from where I'm standing. That is when we started to move about. Each school system he entered, he tried to make friends and fit in. Mainly what he got was bullied. It all piled on to his anxiety until his mind and body got together and decided to revolt against going to school. His father has given him a bad time about it. I have tried to help him in anyway I can. I think TJ needed something in between the two of us...and it would have been nice if we could have met halfway and I really would have loved to...but his dad can be unyielding. Things are SUPPOSED to go a certain way and everyone MUST conform.
It is not easy dancing between two such anxiety driven ppl. I have my anxieties but God has helped me hold it together most of the time. I have my 'collapse' points. But when I collapse...they ALL do so I try not to do it very often.
ANYWAY...with all the bad places my son has gotten into...and all the bad, mean spirited people he has had to deal with I have seen a deterioration of his spirit. I can understand but I did not want Satan to add another one to his 'lost' multitude.
When TJ was younger...about 9...he used to lead some of the 'lessons' for youth church. The leader, Kirk, was impressed with all the TJ knew and understood about the Bible and would let him have a part of church to lead every now and then. Kirk said TJ had a natural talent. I have heard him speak...and, yes, you would never know that he was shaking like a tree in a hurricane inside. He is intelligent with a bit of humor added.
I can't help but wonder if my mother might be correct in believing that TJ has a higher purpose. Perhaps that is why his life has been so rough on him. Satan doesn't want TJ to do good and help others.
I know...it sounds outlandish to some of you.
But here's the thing...I have been praying really hard for my son...my son's spirit...his soul. Today we went to Easter service. I remember sitting there and thinking, "I am feeling REALLY energized today and exceptionally happy to be here...and TJ doesn't look like he's ready to fall asleep." The Pastor did a sort of dialogue...he was dressed like an old Roman Soldier...he recounted the capture, torture, trial, crucifixtion and rising of Jesus from the grave. He really went into detail of how things were at that time in history. And I remembered how, as a little kid, I thought Pilate was a terrible man. But now I realize that he really did not want Jesus to be imprisoned or crucified. He was a man that was not sure where he stood on the matter of Jesus and he was caught between a rock and a hard place.
After Pastor Brad was done with the dialogue, an older man from our congregation stepped up the stairs to the edge of the baptismal pool. Pastor Brad recounted how this man had prayed with him and questioned him for years about God, Jesus, Christianity, etc. and now was convinced that it was real and something he wanted to be a part of...he asked to be baptised. So they stepped into the pool, the man's wife prayed over him and Pastor Brad dipped him into the water. When the man stepped out of the pool into the arms of supporters waiting with towels, Pastor Brad said that he had brought some extra towels incase anyone else just happened to feel that they were ready to be baptised. For some reason I looked over at my son and to my astonishment he raised his hand. He and another woman from our congregation were baptised this morning. When the Pastor asked TJ if he had someone he wanted to pray for him, TJ said, "I would want my mom to but she's losing it so I guess I should ask my dad." The congregation kind of snickered. But he was right...I was crying and could not stop.
TJ has been so very happy today. He seems like he has some peace back in his life. But as I told him now he is REALLY going to have to pray and stay close to God because Satan is NOT going to be a happy camper. Satan will throw whatever he can at TJ trying to trip him up and bring him down. TJ says he knows and he also knows that he has others praying for him and giving him support.
My prayer has always been for the guardian angels to surround my family with their wings...to keep the evil from penetrating and harming them. When I don't ask, there is trouble.
Ask...and ye SHALL receive. You just might not receive it in the way YOU had wanted but God knows what is best.
Then when I got older, I realized the Easter was the day Jesus rose from the grave. Good Friday was the day Jesus was crucified. I REALLY didn't understand what was GOOD about that. With age came understanding...and then I began to understand why it was GOOD Friday.
IS Good Friday.
My son has had a rough go of it since he was in kindergarten. At least from where I'm standing. That is when we started to move about. Each school system he entered, he tried to make friends and fit in. Mainly what he got was bullied. It all piled on to his anxiety until his mind and body got together and decided to revolt against going to school. His father has given him a bad time about it. I have tried to help him in anyway I can. I think TJ needed something in between the two of us...and it would have been nice if we could have met halfway and I really would have loved to...but his dad can be unyielding. Things are SUPPOSED to go a certain way and everyone MUST conform.
It is not easy dancing between two such anxiety driven ppl. I have my anxieties but God has helped me hold it together most of the time. I have my 'collapse' points. But when I collapse...they ALL do so I try not to do it very often.
ANYWAY...with all the bad places my son has gotten into...and all the bad, mean spirited people he has had to deal with I have seen a deterioration of his spirit. I can understand but I did not want Satan to add another one to his 'lost' multitude.
When TJ was younger...about 9...he used to lead some of the 'lessons' for youth church. The leader, Kirk, was impressed with all the TJ knew and understood about the Bible and would let him have a part of church to lead every now and then. Kirk said TJ had a natural talent. I have heard him speak...and, yes, you would never know that he was shaking like a tree in a hurricane inside. He is intelligent with a bit of humor added.
I can't help but wonder if my mother might be correct in believing that TJ has a higher purpose. Perhaps that is why his life has been so rough on him. Satan doesn't want TJ to do good and help others.
I know...it sounds outlandish to some of you.
But here's the thing...I have been praying really hard for my son...my son's spirit...his soul. Today we went to Easter service. I remember sitting there and thinking, "I am feeling REALLY energized today and exceptionally happy to be here...and TJ doesn't look like he's ready to fall asleep." The Pastor did a sort of dialogue...he was dressed like an old Roman Soldier...he recounted the capture, torture, trial, crucifixtion and rising of Jesus from the grave. He really went into detail of how things were at that time in history. And I remembered how, as a little kid, I thought Pilate was a terrible man. But now I realize that he really did not want Jesus to be imprisoned or crucified. He was a man that was not sure where he stood on the matter of Jesus and he was caught between a rock and a hard place.
After Pastor Brad was done with the dialogue, an older man from our congregation stepped up the stairs to the edge of the baptismal pool. Pastor Brad recounted how this man had prayed with him and questioned him for years about God, Jesus, Christianity, etc. and now was convinced that it was real and something he wanted to be a part of...he asked to be baptised. So they stepped into the pool, the man's wife prayed over him and Pastor Brad dipped him into the water. When the man stepped out of the pool into the arms of supporters waiting with towels, Pastor Brad said that he had brought some extra towels incase anyone else just happened to feel that they were ready to be baptised. For some reason I looked over at my son and to my astonishment he raised his hand. He and another woman from our congregation were baptised this morning. When the Pastor asked TJ if he had someone he wanted to pray for him, TJ said, "I would want my mom to but she's losing it so I guess I should ask my dad." The congregation kind of snickered. But he was right...I was crying and could not stop.
TJ has been so very happy today. He seems like he has some peace back in his life. But as I told him now he is REALLY going to have to pray and stay close to God because Satan is NOT going to be a happy camper. Satan will throw whatever he can at TJ trying to trip him up and bring him down. TJ says he knows and he also knows that he has others praying for him and giving him support.
My prayer has always been for the guardian angels to surround my family with their wings...to keep the evil from penetrating and harming them. When I don't ask, there is trouble.
Ask...and ye SHALL receive. You just might not receive it in the way YOU had wanted but God knows what is best.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Candy Nylons
Dandelions. A lot of ppl pronounce it "Dandy Lions". I don't think they are so dandy. I spent two afternoons digging them up out of a square garden area in front of the house. Troy spent time spraying them out of existence around our front lawn and part of the side yard. I STILL have to spray the rest of the side yard. While I do like the dots of yellow color that breaks up the green of the lawn, I also feel the slings and arrows being tossed at us from the surrounding neighbors as they hide behind their window treatments muttering curses under their breath. Oh...the shame of it all!
On a good note...I thought we were going to have to buy all new shutters for the house this year. One of the shutters in the front was missing a slat. I did not know how or why...and the color was fading. I didn't mind that so much cuz I hate the drab brown of them. THEN whilst digging up those dandy-lions from the front garden I stopped in front of the window and looked at said slat-missing shutter...then looked at the one on the other side of the front window. I looked back at the broken one and wondered WHY these ppl would have put two different sized shutters on the window. The broken one was longer than the other one.
Then my youngest sister called. While talking to her I got up close and REALLY studied the broken shutter. I tapped on it with my finger and discovered it was aluminum...not fiberglas like I had always thought. THEN I noticed it was put together in sections. Someone flip a switch...the light bulb came on! I pushed at the bottom of the broken shutter and it slid up to the same length as the other one and pushed the slats together and...there are NO missing slats! The shutter had just come loose at the bottom.
I can't believe I was THAT dumb about it! So unlike me to NOT check something out for myself...especially when it bugs me so much! I have been yapping at Troy about that shutter for over a year now...and I never checked it out myself. Well...they are ALL coming down, getting scrubbed and painted another color. Just like the front door. yep.
All becuz of Dandy Lions....and my sister.
On a good note...I thought we were going to have to buy all new shutters for the house this year. One of the shutters in the front was missing a slat. I did not know how or why...and the color was fading. I didn't mind that so much cuz I hate the drab brown of them. THEN whilst digging up those dandy-lions from the front garden I stopped in front of the window and looked at said slat-missing shutter...then looked at the one on the other side of the front window. I looked back at the broken one and wondered WHY these ppl would have put two different sized shutters on the window. The broken one was longer than the other one.
Then my youngest sister called. While talking to her I got up close and REALLY studied the broken shutter. I tapped on it with my finger and discovered it was aluminum...not fiberglas like I had always thought. THEN I noticed it was put together in sections. Someone flip a switch...the light bulb came on! I pushed at the bottom of the broken shutter and it slid up to the same length as the other one and pushed the slats together and...there are NO missing slats! The shutter had just come loose at the bottom.
I can't believe I was THAT dumb about it! So unlike me to NOT check something out for myself...especially when it bugs me so much! I have been yapping at Troy about that shutter for over a year now...and I never checked it out myself. Well...they are ALL coming down, getting scrubbed and painted another color. Just like the front door. yep.
All becuz of Dandy Lions....and my sister.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Muttering Under My Breath
Still busy with job applications. Right now I would be happy with a part-time job at Wal-mart! I was kinda hoping that the summer would yield a teaching-type gig with one of the many kiddie care places around here...you know, to work with the school aged kids they will be inundated with once the last day of school hits. Nothing so far.
Jr. has had a FEW job interviews. Nothing that has yielded him a job, either.
Nothing much really going on with my life right now. I had to get myself some books for the brain. Not that they are heavy with new things to learn. They just give your brain something to think about a bit. My daughter seems to have the same kind of 'thinker' that I do. I lent her my book "The Geography of Bliss" and she seems to be enjoying it as much as I did. She wants to borrow my Malcolm Gladwell books next.
I am trying NOT to think about what my son may be up to at this point. He seems to be doing well in his classes and getting his work/projects done. But that 'love interest' that he has had for the past year and a half is no more. Especially after I told her mom to put a sock in it and told the girl I really did not want all the drama and, besides, while I didn't mind their friendship, anything beyond that I really did not approve of...although they are both over 18 and I can't REALLY do anything much about it but let her know my feelings about it. She told TJ that she thought it would be best if they waited until they both finished college in about 2 years then try to work things out then. He said, "yeah...like THAT'S going to happen." What I am worried about now is this...he has a NEED to always feel like there is some female that is interested in him. I worry WHAT he will dig up next. His track record with picking female love interests has been about as bad as they come. All I can do is pray and TRY not to worry about it. My mom would tell me I am borrowing trouble. She of all ppl should know better than to tell me that...after all, she raised my brother AND my oldest sister. No details needed. Then again...she raised me. wow...nuff said.
I am waiting for the next change. In the meantime I am watching what I eat and exercising. I am really liking that new strength training machine in the basement. My back and shoulder muscles especially need strengthening. I work on all the other muscle groups, too. I also put in some good cardio time. I just want to shed this extra outer wear. I have lost 10 pounds. Sad little amount but I keep trying.
I get to pick up the new bikes sometime this week. Thursday looks like the best chance...no rain. Not sure when exactly we will get to USE these bikes. The weather can't be crappy ALL year, can it???
Jr. has had a FEW job interviews. Nothing that has yielded him a job, either.
Nothing much really going on with my life right now. I had to get myself some books for the brain. Not that they are heavy with new things to learn. They just give your brain something to think about a bit. My daughter seems to have the same kind of 'thinker' that I do. I lent her my book "The Geography of Bliss" and she seems to be enjoying it as much as I did. She wants to borrow my Malcolm Gladwell books next.
I am trying NOT to think about what my son may be up to at this point. He seems to be doing well in his classes and getting his work/projects done. But that 'love interest' that he has had for the past year and a half is no more. Especially after I told her mom to put a sock in it and told the girl I really did not want all the drama and, besides, while I didn't mind their friendship, anything beyond that I really did not approve of...although they are both over 18 and I can't REALLY do anything much about it but let her know my feelings about it. She told TJ that she thought it would be best if they waited until they both finished college in about 2 years then try to work things out then. He said, "yeah...like THAT'S going to happen." What I am worried about now is this...he has a NEED to always feel like there is some female that is interested in him. I worry WHAT he will dig up next. His track record with picking female love interests has been about as bad as they come. All I can do is pray and TRY not to worry about it. My mom would tell me I am borrowing trouble. She of all ppl should know better than to tell me that...after all, she raised my brother AND my oldest sister. No details needed. Then again...she raised me. wow...nuff said.
I am waiting for the next change. In the meantime I am watching what I eat and exercising. I am really liking that new strength training machine in the basement. My back and shoulder muscles especially need strengthening. I work on all the other muscle groups, too. I also put in some good cardio time. I just want to shed this extra outer wear. I have lost 10 pounds. Sad little amount but I keep trying.
I get to pick up the new bikes sometime this week. Thursday looks like the best chance...no rain. Not sure when exactly we will get to USE these bikes. The weather can't be crappy ALL year, can it???
Monday, April 18, 2011
I Am the Volcano
All these years and all of this time spent dancing around everyone else...trying to understand everyone else...making excuses...trying to 'fix' other ppl's problems. All of that to avoid ME.
I avoid thinkiing about things that happened to me in the past and dealing with the emotional/mental backlash. It deepened my anxiety...it drove me first to anorexia (control...needed to feel in control of what happened to me) and when anorexia didn't work...I ate. And ate. I guess the key was to bury my feelings and thoughts and make myself as unattractive as I could.
But...you know....I realized that I don't want to be killing myself. I found that people still like me and, after going to that stupid class reunion, I also found that guys still hit on me. Why? I have no freakin' clue. I think THOSE guys hit on me becuz they have some 30 year old image of me from HS and can't see the reality. They know I was a 'good girl' in HS but I'm older now and becuz they all are feeling their mid-life crisis then surely I must be too and the 'good girl' thing is blown cuz...well...after all...I have kids.
So...I want to feel good about looking at myself in the mirror. I want to be the REAL me...screw my head on straight...walk straight and don't deviate. Live by the code that got me through school and other parts of my life as safely and un-anxious as possible: "If you step out of line JUST ONCE, you will get caught. Do the right thing and you have nothing to worry about."
I ran all over that map and now it is time to be a logical, rational person...with a weird sense of humor.
Time to strip off this armor of 'extra me'. Which I am working at...the right way. Slowly but surely. Altho, I am kinda wishing the 'slowly' part wasn't quite so slowly.
I have to quit blaming myself for everything that happened to me in the past. Sure, maybe some of it could have been avoided...maybe not. I trusted way more than I should have. But that is part of who I am. I give ppl the benefit of the doubt. I just don't trust EVERYONE like I used to...and I might check somethings out more than I used to...but that is only using some common sense.
Hey...live and learn. If you don't learn, you can't live.
I avoid thinkiing about things that happened to me in the past and dealing with the emotional/mental backlash. It deepened my anxiety...it drove me first to anorexia (control...needed to feel in control of what happened to me) and when anorexia didn't work...I ate. And ate. I guess the key was to bury my feelings and thoughts and make myself as unattractive as I could.
But...you know....I realized that I don't want to be killing myself. I found that people still like me and, after going to that stupid class reunion, I also found that guys still hit on me. Why? I have no freakin' clue. I think THOSE guys hit on me becuz they have some 30 year old image of me from HS and can't see the reality. They know I was a 'good girl' in HS but I'm older now and becuz they all are feeling their mid-life crisis then surely I must be too and the 'good girl' thing is blown cuz...well...after all...I have kids.
So...I want to feel good about looking at myself in the mirror. I want to be the REAL me...screw my head on straight...walk straight and don't deviate. Live by the code that got me through school and other parts of my life as safely and un-anxious as possible: "If you step out of line JUST ONCE, you will get caught. Do the right thing and you have nothing to worry about."
I ran all over that map and now it is time to be a logical, rational person...with a weird sense of humor.
Time to strip off this armor of 'extra me'. Which I am working at...the right way. Slowly but surely. Altho, I am kinda wishing the 'slowly' part wasn't quite so slowly.
I have to quit blaming myself for everything that happened to me in the past. Sure, maybe some of it could have been avoided...maybe not. I trusted way more than I should have. But that is part of who I am. I give ppl the benefit of the doubt. I just don't trust EVERYONE like I used to...and I might check somethings out more than I used to...but that is only using some common sense.
Hey...live and learn. If you don't learn, you can't live.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Excuse Me but You Have a Grudge Hanging...
RE: Last post: In Addition To...
I was discussing things with a friend. One that has been on many sides of the box...in, out, under, on top, etc. A friend with a level head and doesn't mind turning a mirror on me.
I may not appreciate some comments or looking at my reflection at the time, but I try really hard not to get too defensive and argumentative. I try not to get angry and feel hurt. I look at it one of two ways: 1) either the person really doesn't know the whole story of many years in the making, all the drama that goes with it, and I just ignore what they say to me without malice, OR, 2) the person is being a REAL friend and trying to help me through a situation that they know the whole story about and aren't afraid to be REAL with me. I can take it.
So here's the thing....my son was wrong. I am not saying the whole thing was his fault or that he was ALL wrong. He had been already having a bad time that day, that he had not thus far shared with us, AND Dad had been reading him the riot act for 3-4 days in a row...his anxiety level just burst and he went off. I can get that to a certain extent. However, he was the one that said a lot A LOT of things that just shocked the stuffing out of me and he kept pushing his dad's buttons and pushing and Dad WAS really really trying to keep himself under control. Jr. was the one that started hitting...until Dad grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall. He let go right away.
They apologized to each other later...like it really changed anything. However, I was the one caught in the crossfire. Troy wouldn't speak to me hardly for 2 days. He said he was angry at me for not backing him up...not taking Jr. off and settling him down.
At first that really burned me up. After all, I didn't start it, I didn't engage in it...but...I am the mom. And Jr. is a kid. A 20 year old kid...but a kid. Who lives under our roof. Troy has been trying to be better. Maybe I think he should try harder BUT he perhaps is trying as hard as he can. I should be doing more about Jr...and I should not leave Troy out there to hang on his own, either.
I realized something else that isn't so pretty about me. I still carry a lot of hurt and anger over what he has put us through on various occassions. I still hold it against him for leaving me on MY own...not sticking up for me with his 'buddies' early in our marriage, picking time with his friends over time with us, etc. I am still holding on to that grudge. I can never heal if I continue to hang on to it.
People have often asked if a couple/relationship can ever truly heal after certain kinds of hurt. The irony is...I'm not sure we ever had a REAL relationship. So, the only place ours has to go is to get better...or just leave it in a heap and walk away.
I traveled to Wichita and back with Troy these last few days. Stood by him as he faced whatever punishment was coming his way from the DUI. He did well. His punishment is all of our punishment since it will take money from the family budget for the next 3 months. But it will not go on his record. He can argue that it is technically HIS money since HE earned it...but it is the money that is used to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And I will manage, somehow. I usually do....with lots of help from God.
After the trip...all those hours in the car...being nearly run off the road 4-5 times by semi's that really don't give a honk if you are in the lane they want to be in NOW...putting up with drivers with a one track mind or no mind at all...I have a whole new perspective of what he goes through and puts up with.
I could whine that it is always me putting myself in everyone else's shoes to understand what they feel like...yet I don't seem to get the same back. BUT, 1) whining does no good, 2) not everyone is made like me. This is who I am. And I need to kick my son's butt more and figure out how to let go of a grudge.
I was discussing things with a friend. One that has been on many sides of the box...in, out, under, on top, etc. A friend with a level head and doesn't mind turning a mirror on me.
I may not appreciate some comments or looking at my reflection at the time, but I try really hard not to get too defensive and argumentative. I try not to get angry and feel hurt. I look at it one of two ways: 1) either the person really doesn't know the whole story of many years in the making, all the drama that goes with it, and I just ignore what they say to me without malice, OR, 2) the person is being a REAL friend and trying to help me through a situation that they know the whole story about and aren't afraid to be REAL with me. I can take it.
So here's the thing....my son was wrong. I am not saying the whole thing was his fault or that he was ALL wrong. He had been already having a bad time that day, that he had not thus far shared with us, AND Dad had been reading him the riot act for 3-4 days in a row...his anxiety level just burst and he went off. I can get that to a certain extent. However, he was the one that said a lot A LOT of things that just shocked the stuffing out of me and he kept pushing his dad's buttons and pushing and Dad WAS really really trying to keep himself under control. Jr. was the one that started hitting...until Dad grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall. He let go right away.
They apologized to each other later...like it really changed anything. However, I was the one caught in the crossfire. Troy wouldn't speak to me hardly for 2 days. He said he was angry at me for not backing him up...not taking Jr. off and settling him down.
At first that really burned me up. After all, I didn't start it, I didn't engage in it...but...I am the mom. And Jr. is a kid. A 20 year old kid...but a kid. Who lives under our roof. Troy has been trying to be better. Maybe I think he should try harder BUT he perhaps is trying as hard as he can. I should be doing more about Jr...and I should not leave Troy out there to hang on his own, either.
I realized something else that isn't so pretty about me. I still carry a lot of hurt and anger over what he has put us through on various occassions. I still hold it against him for leaving me on MY own...not sticking up for me with his 'buddies' early in our marriage, picking time with his friends over time with us, etc. I am still holding on to that grudge. I can never heal if I continue to hang on to it.
People have often asked if a couple/relationship can ever truly heal after certain kinds of hurt. The irony is...I'm not sure we ever had a REAL relationship. So, the only place ours has to go is to get better...or just leave it in a heap and walk away.
I traveled to Wichita and back with Troy these last few days. Stood by him as he faced whatever punishment was coming his way from the DUI. He did well. His punishment is all of our punishment since it will take money from the family budget for the next 3 months. But it will not go on his record. He can argue that it is technically HIS money since HE earned it...but it is the money that is used to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And I will manage, somehow. I usually do....with lots of help from God.
After the trip...all those hours in the car...being nearly run off the road 4-5 times by semi's that really don't give a honk if you are in the lane they want to be in NOW...putting up with drivers with a one track mind or no mind at all...I have a whole new perspective of what he goes through and puts up with.
I could whine that it is always me putting myself in everyone else's shoes to understand what they feel like...yet I don't seem to get the same back. BUT, 1) whining does no good, 2) not everyone is made like me. This is who I am. And I need to kick my son's butt more and figure out how to let go of a grudge.
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