Out from Under the Tree

The new fridge got here on the 22.  I like it. It is smaller than the other one but I left the dorm fridge in the kitchen plugged in.  Since it had been plugged in running downstairs anyway, there is no more energy being used.

Christmas turned out pretty good.  Christmas Eve TJ and Brit came over for dinner.  Bethany got off work and we sat around and ate, talked, opened presents.  It was a nice evening.  Family time.  The next day, Jordan came for dinner with me and Bethany. We had some great conversation, opened presents.  It was a good day.

The rest of the week seem to be busy, yet, relaxing.  The kids had brunch with their dad on Thursday and I met TJ and his dad back at his place.  Douche went with me to get the moving truck. We loaded it with everything but their bed, a dresser and a very heavy coffee table.  TJ and I went with his dad back to his hotel for dinner...since it was free (Bethany had to go to work after their brunch).  He bought me a glass of wine.  We all 3 sat and talked and it went well.  Afterward, we went back up to his room because we had left our coats there and my purse...we got washed up before dinner.  As I was getting ready to leave, Douche told me that if I was too tired to drive home I could spend the night in his room (I had a 45 minute drive back home).  I started to laugh when I realized he was serious.  I just said, 'That would just be weird."  He said, "Why?"  "I can just hear everyone: you spent the night in your ex's room???"  "What do you care what anyone thinks?"  "I don't really.  I care what I think.  No thanks."

The next morning Bethany and I went down and helped finish loading a few things, then she went with me to drop her brother's car off at the tire store.  We had discovered the day before that TJ was driving around with a donut on the front of his car and he said he could not afford new tires until February.  The other 3 looked pretty bad.  So I had talked Douche into letting me get tires on his car now and put it on OUR card and TJ could pay them off.  He agreed as long as TJ does make the payments.

In the meantime, I had ordered a washer and dryer for them to be delivered to their apartment on Saturday.  I had told them about them, the sale price and I could get it without interest for 18 months and free delivery. They promised to pay for them.

So we spent the first part of the day moving them.  I had to have the truck back by 2 pm.  We had lunch from subway and Douche headed for home in Kansas.  Bethany and I loaded some more things in my SUV and TJ's car (the tires were on and we picked it up). We drove the half hour back to the new place and unloaded what we had.  Then Bethany and I made the hour and 15 minute drive back home.

I have been kinda impatient and short tempered since then.  I am not sure if it is just regular winter orneries or if it is because of spending 2 days with their dad.  He didn't say anything bad or do anything bad but it is just being around him.  I realized after listening to him, that at this point in my life if I met him, I would not choose to be his friend, let alone marry him.

Oh well.  It is fridgidely cold and I am on a sugar free/low carb diet.  I have been doing this for 2 weeks.  I am not sure about weight loss because it says it will take about 3 weeks to actually lose any real weight but I am feeling some good affects from the 0 sugar thing.  The inflammation in my knee has all but gone.  I have very little stiffness and pain in it anymore. AND a pair of sweats I have that had become uncomfortably snug are now fitting me as they should.  So...inflammation is leaving my body.

I have a goal to actually lose most of the weight I want to lose by the time our school has its end of the school year conference in Kalahari.  I want to be comfortable being around all of them.  Half of them are runners.  I will NEVER be a runner but I don't want to be the old fat lady of the bunch.

That is my goal...

True Colors

Today was not how I had planned.  It never is but today was even MORE unplanned.  First the sink started backing up.  So, I quickly took care of that then I noticed something wrong with the fridge.  The freezer...things were not so frozen.  Crap!  The condenser that I had replaced less than 2 years ago quit.  damn it!  So I started moving things down to the freezer in the basement and thankfully the weather is really cold so I put a lot of the food in the fridge in a box and took it out to the sunroom where it can be kept cold.

Then I took to the internet to consider my options.  I could have Sears repair come here and hook up another condenser (and that job takes the good portion of the day, it seems).  It would be cheaper than a new fridge.  BUT, if it turns out they don't have all the parts they need then it could mean ordering parts and waiting ...and there is only a 90 day warranty on the thing working!  If I remember correctly, last time they quoted me a price tag of close to $800.

So then, I look for fridge sales.  I found a fridge for $900.  Not exactly like the one I have now, slightly smaller and it is a side by side with the indoor water and ice dispenser.  Bethany and I use a lot of ice and drink a lot of water.  And since it is just the two of us a slightly smaller fridge could be okay.  The one I have now would be very costly to replace with an identical one.  The one I have has the freezer drawer on the bottom.  And the ice maker is inside.  I don't care about that but...I am not fixing this fridge again only to have it go up on me right before I sell the house.  My mom and dad have had the same side by side fridge for years with no problems. Sometimes new fangled is not necessarily better.  So, I took the plunge with the new fridge. There goes my Christmas bonus and my Christmas money from my parents...and then some.

The TV started acting up.  It does this blinking thing when you turn it on.  It will eventually quit but now is the time they are having TV sales too.  I don't want to wait until the TV finally takes a dump.  Didn't want the expense of another TV but ...I ordered one and now I have that to make payments on too.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Since I can't sleep, Bethany stayed up and talked with me until 4 a.m.  We had a good talk.  We got the air cleared about a lot of things.  One thing I have been feeling kind of crappy about it wondering how she feels when I talk about selling this place and moving back up north. She said it will be weird not having me around but she has had time to process it and it is not as if I am just leaving her abruptly. She has Jordan and they work things out pretty well.  I think TJ and Brit are going to be fine, also.  She said she will IM with me, phone me, text me, etc. like I do with TJ.  I will at least have a place for them to come take mini vacations.  It will be fine.

I realized I am in a holiday depression.  I have tried denying it but it is here.  I look at the tree and think about the family Christmases.  And remember the feeling it brought me.  But now it is different because I know that he didn't really love me and it puts a different color on it all.  I loved how Christmas was because he was always at his best.  There was music and traditions and anticipation.  When it came to an end I always had that expectation that there would be many more and one day, our kids would be married and we may have grandkids to share Christmas with....

But it is all different.  I hate that I am depressed by it.  It makes me feel weak.  Even though I know it is a process that everyone goes through.  I hate that my life with him was filled with so much change.

I grew up in the same home. Every year was the same thing.  Well...my parents expanded on Christmas through the years but it was still the same.  You knew what to expect.  With us the Christmas was in so many different places.  One Christmas we had the dread of our son's trial looming over our heads.  Because of a girl that wanted to find a way to put him in jail because she was angry that he had rejected her.

One Christmas we thought their dad was gone for good...drugged up on crack.  But he showed up right before Christmas and it was a mottled thrown together Christmas as it was.  I didn't have much money for presents so I did the best I could.

He tried to make up for it after that.  He bought them way more than they needed.  Looking back, now, I am not sure he was trying to make up for that or if he would have done it anyway because he likes to spend money at Christmas.

I cannot see what my future is going to be like.  I cannot see me with anyone else.  I imagine me alone.  I may like the person I found within me, again, but I don't know if I have a heart to share anymore.  Trust is such a delicate, fleeting thing.  I am not even sure I trust myself, let alone someone else.

I watched the last part of 'Serendipity" with Bethany.  I told her I loved that movie at one time because I believed in it.  Now I think it is a stupid story.

My perspective on life, in general, has changed.  Everything is a different color.

Deafening Quiet

I can't sleep.  Most nights.  I am exhausted.  I crawl into bed, read, then as my eyes start to close, I turn off the light and snuggle under the covers then it hits me.  My mind does a tour of this house.  From room to room.  Down the hallways.  There is nobody but me.

Bethany spends most of her time at work or at Jordan's.  It is just me.  Sure, there's 3 dogs.  But no other humans but me.

I think back to my youth, my much younger years.  I had many dates.  Many boyfriends.  How ironic that I ended up by myself. 

During the day, I am busy.  I don't notice my aloneness.  But at night...the emptiness mocks me.  It pokes at me.

It wasn't so long ago the kids had friends that came and practically stayed for the weekend.  The dinner table was full.  Now...I am here in this house...alone. 

I know I am not helping myself by being such a recluse.  I don't know why I can't make myself get out there. 

I hope that will change within me someday. 

My kids have a whole lifetime ahead of them.  They can have their own families.  Fill their homes. 

I could handle the empty nest syndrom if I wasn't doing it alone.  I was prepared for them leaving.  And I am good with 'him' gone.  I just didn't realize that 'alone' would be so difficult.

TJ and Brit dropped the purchase of the double wide manufactured home.  Too many things weren't working.  But they found a really nice 2 bdrm apartment to move into.  His dad is going to be in the area and is going to help do some moving.
So...there's that.  Yay. 

He is a stranger to me now.  25 years of marriage and 2 kids.  He's a stranger.  When it hits you that he never really cared...it alters everything.