Filling My Days

On the 10th I made a journey up to see my parents.  On the way I stopped to have lunch with a friend from school days, Susan.  I met her in Kindergarten.  We were casual friends; really never hung out much in high school.  Not that we didn't like each other it was just that she joined other clubs, etc and I was in the music department most of the time...orchestra, marching band, girls' chorus, mixed chorus, ensembles, etc.  She and I really reconnected on FB over a sort of common thing...loss of marital partners.  Only, she lost hers in a different way than I lost mine...he died suddenly from a burst femoral artery aneurysm.  It happened 2 weeks after my divorce was final.  We have been encouraging each other to pick up and move along.  It was really great having that time with her.  I would like to visit more.  My problem is I have my vacation time packed with house improvements/projects.  sigh

After the weekend at my parents' I went to Sandusky to our 2 days of school meetings.  It was basically a waste of time and money (their money, my time).  It is nice to connect F2F with co-workers.  We had a lot of laughs and shared our organization secrets.  It just didn't seem like they were giving us anything new...in the meetings. As a team, we could have done what we did in one day and went home.

I came home for 2 days and took care of the yard, the dogs, the laundry, house, etc then packed up and Bethany and I headed to Maryland to spend time with a close friend that I as of yet had spent time with F2F...we had been friends for the better part of 11 years.  It was as if we had been hanging out with each other all along.  We got along just great!  And Bethany enjoyed the time too.  She has really started coming out of her shell.  She used to be so afraid to talk to anyone.  But she sat there and talked with Karen and Matt like it was a natural thing. 

I have noticed that she has been talking more to everyone.  She didn't even used to talk to my parents or her Aunts/Uncles much.  She said she always felt awkward and didn't know what to say.  I guess she figured it out.  I am pleased!

While I was gone, Troy was working in Michigan.  They were taking most of the weekend off so he texted and asked if he could spend the night at the house so that he could spend father's day with TJ.  I said it was fine.  He did some laundry while he was here and so did TJ.  LOL  Glad I am good for something.

Then I found out that he is still going to be in Michigan the rest of this week.  So, since Bethany was sad that she missed him and vice versa, I volunteered to drive her to Michigan tonight to see him and have dinner with him.  I told him I was sorry I was going to be with her but she shouldn't drive that far on her own.  I told him I could find something else to do.  He said he wanted to see me too,  Whatever.  

Tomorrow night I have to go see my son about changing the battery in his car,  Friday night I am going out to dinner with Jean before she leaves on her Carolina vacay.  Other than that, I have worked out a project schedule for what I need to do around the house...inside and out.  Most of it involves painting.  The inside painting does not matter since weather does not affect it.  However, I need to plan the gutter painting around the weather.  I am painting gray over the brown so it matches the roof,

I also need to put down the mulch.  I know it is late but that's the way things worked out this summer. I wanted my vacation fun.  Now I need to knuckle down.  LOL

I will be receiving my new contract end of next week.  It should be a 2 year contract.  Kind of anxious to see what kind of raise I am getting.  I am not banking on it being too much because they are tight wads.  

I opted to NOT begin my Intervention Specialist classes this summer.  I really did not want to have to mess with it this summer.  I am doing the things I need to do and want to do first.  Not letting someone/something take me off my course.  

I managed to tear up the livingroom carpet before I left for my parents'.  It looks really nice.  The hardwood flooring underneath is in great shape.  The room sized rugs look nice.  The dogs weren't too sure about it but they are used to it now.  LOL

Okay...now it is time to do some work around here.  

Welcome to Adulting

I do not like weekends.  Most people look forward to them.  I have come to despise them.  Weekends are when I am tortured the most by thoughts and loneliness.  Not that I don't feel the loneliness any other time...I just seem to feel it most on the weekends.  It is seeing other couples and families being together and doing things.

I look back at my marriage and most of it was spent being lonely but I was too busy to notice it most of the time.  I craved that grownup interaction and I did not have it much.  He was off having his grownup interaction...his friends.  I put myself into the welfare and up bringing of our children.

Now they are doing as I raised them to do...become responsible, independent adults.  They are living their own lives.  It is great and sad at the same time.  I really am glad not to have to be so involved in every aspect of their lives.  And I am glad to see them moving out and on.  But it just gives me more time to spend on....what?  Me?

At this time in my life, I am supposed to be sharing my days/nights/triumphs/failures with someone.  I know there are a lot of people out there on their own.  I could probably digest it better if I had more friends around.

I know...this is another whine.  And what am I doing to make it better?  Well, you can't turn the ship around in a second.  I  will be making some changes and additions to my life.  After all, all work and no play is not a balanced life.

I have lots of things to do in the house to make it better.  I have things outside the house to do to make it better.  I may be starting my classes for my intervention specialist license to add to my teaching license.  I was going to start in the fall but the college has been guiding me into starting in July.  I guess it makes some sense to do the first 2 classes now.  I have time off and I can maybe get some things out of way before I get really busy in the fall.  It will be tough enough in fall and spring to do those classes.  I am just going to have to make sure to sprinkle in some time with friends and family.

I applied for a teaching position with the k12 online school with which I work.  I don't know if I really want to head that way.  It depends on whether or not they will bump my pay enough to make it worth it.  If they don't, I will keep the position I have.

Darkness is off and on with his 'friendship'.  As usual, it depends on the mood he is in.  He will send me random texts and be nice about things when he feels like it.  Then he will go silent and if you reach out to him about anything, he is clipped and short tempered.  It is those moments that I like the most because it just reminds me...I have not changed my mind about him/us.  I can deal with him as he is...and be 'friends' while keeping him at arm's length.  I no longer let his moods have any bearing on my moods or life.

I just don't want to be alone forever.  However, if I learned anything from my 25 year marriage, there can be worse things.

How to Enjoy the Summer

The school year is almost over.  I really don't have much to do.  I have not gone over my year eval with my boss BUT, since I did not get my 'we won't be renewing your contract' letter the beginning of May, it means I am still an employee.  I will be getting a new contract to sign, they have me on the rotation for summer coverage.  I am going to actually relax this summer.  They decided to give us MORE paid time off.  So, besides the last 2 weeks of June, we get 3 weeks of July off.  Paid.  yay.  I have to wait to see what kind of raise they offer me and if I get a bonus.  My metrics show I 'saved' more kids than they had to withdraw. This is good stuff.

I have SO much I need to do this summer!  Around the house.  And my son is getting married at the end of the first week of actual school.  I had one more floating week of paid vacay that I had not used so I get to split it up throughout the fall semester.  I am taking 2 days off before his wedding.  I am using the other 3 days...whenever.

I have finally worked my way all the way through my emotions over everything.  I consider that a major triumph.  It took me a bit less than 2 years since he told me he wanted a divorce.  It took a lot of prayer, self introspection, his honesty, and realizing how many things I can do on my own.  I still have a ways to go because I am not ALL that I want to be.  But I have made some pretty good headway.

I have the weirdest divorce.  He and I have become friends, I think.  He has given me money to help take care of the dogs, too.  I may have to take him up on it and use some of it.  I don't want to use it if I don't have to but...he offered and gave it.

I would like to make more money but for now...today....I can manage and I just want one summer where I can just enjoy my life.