Holds Water like a Sieve

I was feeling  anxious today.  I was examining all the money that will need to go out in the next few weeks because of various things.  It's life.

Another source of anxiety is the change in my job.  I would be okay with it except the Leads keep telling us how everyone is working so hard to iron things out...be patient.  And my co-workers all seem like they are falling apart over the change.  Our teams have been blown apart into 3 different sections and the section I am in is really no section at all since we will be primarily working on our own. 

To top it off, Evil Spawn called me.  He told me some things about Thug Life and that situation that changes the story a bit more...again...again it makes him sound like a bit of a victim...and I just listen and think that he is really stupid in one of two ways: 1) that he got into this, or, 2) he thinks I  going to swallow it and feel sorry for him.

I just get more aggravated.  His reasons he had told be before, that he had for divorcing me was:
A)  I became complacent and gained weight,
B)  I didn't get a job,
C)  I didn't show him enough affection.

Here's the problems:
A)  the woman he took up with is not only over weight, she is homely besides.
B)  I told him once the kids were out of school I would get a job...which I did.
C)  he didn't hug me or show me much affection either.

He is a moron.  He didn't appreciate someone who was there for him, no matter what...put my family before myself...did not spend his money on me, and me alone...conducted myself with class...gave him every reason to trust me...

I didn't give him any drama. 

Tonight is one of those nights when I really needed to feel loved...that someone was there for me.  And I don't know what I did to deserve being alone.

Never a Dull Moment

Yesterday I got a lot of emails from Evil Spawn.  They reminded me of someone trying to ease himself into the pool...first stick the end of a toe in...pull it back...then put the foot in...leave it there...then the other foot...then start slowly putting more and more of yourself into the water.

He started out with, again, his apology.  This time with a  different tack (after I told him it isn't an apology if he is still blaming someone else).  He went on about how it WAS his choices...he made bad ones.

Each email was a bit more...a bit further. Somewhere in there he told me he still loved me...he thinks I am beautiful...and he made a mistake when he denied things he said..then he instantly backed up and admitted, well, he DID say it but he never really thought it.

I woke up feeling not so good to begin with.  By this point I was ready to spew.

I think the thing that really KILLED it was the "I am going to straighten myself out.  I need to do some spring cleaning and I will be that guy you used to love."  "The divorce was a mistake."  (I'm thinking no)

sigh...(head banging on the desk)

He is just wanting someone to prop him up.  He is feeling stressed out, tied up in a knot, and alone.  This too shall pass.  And he WILL put himself together, then go out there and find another.  It would be at that point where he would start criticizing me again (because that was what took the place of picking up another one).  He would be wanting to go out and find another one but he realized he was 'stuck' with me so he would take it out on me.

I just told him that the ones he REALLY needs to try and work things out with is his kids.  I don't care what Thug Life said about me or to me.  I knew she was a pile of crap so I didn't expect any different.  BUT he let her malign his kids and he told them that he was sorry if they didn't like her but they would either come to accept her or too bad.  It was none of their business.

I am not sure how he would go about rebuilding that house.  I can walk away from him, and that is fine.  But these are his kids.  He hurt them.  He has NEVER thought about how what he did or said made them feel.  Nor did he seem to care.

I told him he really needs to seek counseling.  He has a lot of crap swimming around in his head from his childhood and teenage abuse.  HOWEVER, that doesn't buy him a free ride of more chances.  He has been given lots of chances and he has squandered them.  He does not get an endless supply.

I didn't hear anything out of him today.  It was Bethany's bday.  He DID call her and he told her that he sent her an email.  Bethany said evidently he sent it to her old email address and she can't get into it.  I told her she should text her new email address to him.  Only if she wants to read the email. 

I did take a video of everyone around the table as she opened her presents and cards.  I sent it to Beth's phone and told her it was her choice if she wants to share it with her dad. I don't know where she is with him.

In the meantime, I am getting anxious because just as I was getting comfortable with my job the way it was, it is changing and I have a whole new bunch of things to learn.

I am thankful for my job.   I honestly am.  I am just not feeling very well. 

When do things get calm and boring again?

The Peter Pan Syndrome?

I had to text Evil Spawn today about a Dental Coverage question concerning our son.  He was very nice to me and then he told me he sent a copy of the coverage to my email.  I was really busy with my job but I remembered to look at the end of my office hours.

Then I found it ...an email with what I first thought was an apology.  How he missed me...the kids. How he was sorry...

But then I realized, being true to form, he was actually sorry for what he ALLOWED 'her' to do...she fooled him, she came between us and his family, etc.

Again...NEVER swallowing the blame for his own actions/choices.  It really aggravated me!  WHEN will he EVER grow UP?  I sent him back an email telling him that I am able to own my faults/choices.  I give myself credit for being an adult and having sense enough to know better. 

I told him that IF he can ever be adult enough to own up to his choices and not blame it on anyone else, I MIGHT listen to his apology. 

I also told him  that someday some guy will thank him for letting me go. 

I am also getting tired of the drama brought into my house by the son's fiancée.  She really needs to do some growing up.  I raised MY kids.  She needs to quit making my son feel badly about everything he says or does...trying to make him feel bad about having feelings about things. She needs to appreciate and not expect.  I should not have to support someone else's kid!  She may be 22 but she mostly acts like 12. 

sigh.

I am not a perfect person.  No one is. BUT I DO have a big heart and I will put others before myself most of the time. 

I am just getting tired of the footprints on my back!