Irony. I run...ick.
I remember listening to an old HS classmate of mine go on about how his wife (who he referred to as "what's her name") coming and picking him up at the Eagle's club more than half of the nights of the week because he was too drunk to drive home. He would talk to me through the FB messenger a lot. I 'listened' to him go on and on like that many times and I finally said to him, "Her name is DAWN. You talked about her all the time in high school and how in love with her you were...and then...she went out with you! And you had her! You married her! She is still gorgeous and she is STILL married to you...even when you leave her alone night after night to sit on a bar stool and get drunk...and she still cares about you enough to come collect your butt and make sure you get home safe! Do you really want a life without her? Women do not get married to be alone."
That was more than a few years ago when I told him that. I don't know if he still does that. I know they are still married. It popped in my head as I sat down in the chair tonight and realized I was alone. All alone....so very alone.
I remembered being in Arkansas. I moved down there with the kids....away from everyone I knew. I had no friends...nowhere to go. And the people I did meet were...odd. Troy worked A LOT. I was lonely. I would have been okay if he had been there with me...talked to me...sat and held me. But without fail, as soon as I had the kids bathed and tucked into bed, he had either fallen asleep for the night (which I could understand and was not mad about) or he had just woken up from falling asleep on the couch and bounced out the door to visit with some friends. And there I was...alone.
I don't do 'alone' well at all. I never did. Being alone in Arkansas is what sent me into a deep deep depression. I never wanted to go back there again.
But...here I am. And ironically, just like in Arkansas, the kids are gone...taken care of...raised...and off they are with their significant others...doing their own thing. It is the time when I could have spent alone WITH my spouse...the man that was supposed to love me. But, just when we had the time to be alone he has taken off.
It is not anger...or hurt that is bothering me. It is 'alone'. The deep deep 'alone' depression. It is why I do not allow sleeping pills in the house. It is why I have not bought bullets for the gun.
I tried to tell my mother about it years ago but she shrugged it off. It isn't anything real. I was being dramatic and seeking attention. After all, no offspring of hers would have such a problem. I am supposed to be the smart one...the social one...the strong one...the one that can do anything and be anything. And I am afraid I am the biggest mess of all.
I am hanging on. I don't know why. My kids are not on their feet yet but I really do think their father would help them. The only thing that keeps me going is prayer. But the one thing I NEED seems to not be there. I need a job. Something to look forward to...to get me out of the house...give my mind something to work on and not notice the 'alone'.
While I don't like 'alone'...I can't think of ever having another relationship because I can't see myself trusting again.
I have been told that God will sometimes give you what you need once you find yourself in the corner. Well...I have dug the hole and jumped in and someone is starting to dump the dirt down on top of me.
Now what?
Monday, June 22, 2015
Saturday, June 20, 2015
I Saw it on Jerry Springer
There are lots of things and relationships and problems going on...complications...knots...crossroads...but I just know that I want to hit someone with a sledge hammer.
Evil Spawn's nephew Tommy contacted me thru FB a few nights ago. I thought it was odd. He hasn't talked to me for over a year. The timing along with the argument that TJ had with his father over the Thug gf photos and whatever it was she said about me (which I found out later and frankly, she is so minus on the IQ scale that I don't care what she says)...I was paranoid and figured Tommy was fishing for anything I might say. Concerning Thug or Evil Spawn.
Tommy said he met her and couldn't stand her. He said he missed me...that I am still his Aunt. But then I realized what the whole thing was about. He said he wished things were like they used to be...everyone together and happy...before his parents divorced even. He said he didn't know what his uncle is thinking. He said that his uncle would someday realize the mistake he made and come back. I told him that it is over and he can't come back. There is no fixing it.
And after he and I stopped messaging, I thought about it and I realized...I meant it. I don't know what Tommy wanted from me or thought I could or would do about any of it.
The only thing I try not to think about is all the old memories that I thought were good...I don't know who he is now...that changes every memory in my head.
And my son is with his fiancée staying at his dad's mom's house for the weekend. He went up there to attend the wedding of a friend. My ex MIL got after him about not talking to his dad very much. I know TJ can stick up for himself. It still makes me mad. Then there was an argument with his cousin Kevin that showed up with his gf for the weekend.
Kevin knows how to pick them. This is the second one he has picked up that is pregnant with a baby that isn't his. They are basically homeless right now. And he complained to TJ about him (TJ) not liking the new Thug in Evil Spawn's life.
I told TJ to give Kevin his father's # and perhaps Evil Spawn will help him out.
I am SO over that family. And I am SO over the ex.
I just accept that he is slime. And he likes slime. The whole family is an episode of Jerry Springer.
Evil Spawn's nephew Tommy contacted me thru FB a few nights ago. I thought it was odd. He hasn't talked to me for over a year. The timing along with the argument that TJ had with his father over the Thug gf photos and whatever it was she said about me (which I found out later and frankly, she is so minus on the IQ scale that I don't care what she says)...I was paranoid and figured Tommy was fishing for anything I might say. Concerning Thug or Evil Spawn.
Tommy said he met her and couldn't stand her. He said he missed me...that I am still his Aunt. But then I realized what the whole thing was about. He said he wished things were like they used to be...everyone together and happy...before his parents divorced even. He said he didn't know what his uncle is thinking. He said that his uncle would someday realize the mistake he made and come back. I told him that it is over and he can't come back. There is no fixing it.
And after he and I stopped messaging, I thought about it and I realized...I meant it. I don't know what Tommy wanted from me or thought I could or would do about any of it.
The only thing I try not to think about is all the old memories that I thought were good...I don't know who he is now...that changes every memory in my head.
And my son is with his fiancée staying at his dad's mom's house for the weekend. He went up there to attend the wedding of a friend. My ex MIL got after him about not talking to his dad very much. I know TJ can stick up for himself. It still makes me mad. Then there was an argument with his cousin Kevin that showed up with his gf for the weekend.
Kevin knows how to pick them. This is the second one he has picked up that is pregnant with a baby that isn't his. They are basically homeless right now. And he complained to TJ about him (TJ) not liking the new Thug in Evil Spawn's life.
I told TJ to give Kevin his father's # and perhaps Evil Spawn will help him out.
I am SO over that family. And I am SO over the ex.
I just accept that he is slime. And he likes slime. The whole family is an episode of Jerry Springer.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
The Gag Reflex
I could do it. But I don't because my blood pressure rockets and then I can't breathe and then I feel my heart start doing that arrhythmic behavior and it feels like I am blacking out for a couple seconds. Really...I miss a couple seconds of what is in front of me. Then after a couple of those mini blackouts I get a headache.
What could I do that I don't do? I don't look at the FB page of the female (and I use the term loosely) that my ex is hooked up with.
But tonight someone told me about a picture that she had posted of my ex and her. My son was sitting there and I asked him if he was still looking at her page and he said he hadn't for a few months. I told him I felt like I was going to throw up I was so sick. Just from the description of that one picture. So, unfortunately, he then looked at the page. I don't know what all he saw there but I saw his jaw line set...he clenched his teeth. After looking at things for a minute he put his phone down and quietly said, "I am done with him. Not that we. talk much now but I really don't want to talk to him ever again. I don't want him at my wedding. He is a poor excuse of a father and an adult." I would feel badly but his dad treated him badly and he really would be better off without that toxin in his life.
He is displaying signs of destructive behavior. I've already seen that movie up close and personal.
I sent out messages to quite a few of my church family/friends to ask for prayer for me in the pursuit of a certain job. An acquaintance of mine that works for an online charter school messaged me about a job opening. They are hiring 10 more people in her department and they especially need some in my section of the state. It would get my foot in the door and pay my bills until I finish my masters and can get an intervention specialist job with them. Then I could live in any part of the state. But I seriously need the job and NOW. When Evil Spawn starts to unravel he doesn't waste any time.
His behavior will leak over into his job and red flags will go up...then they will drug test him.
I always knew that I was the only thing that was keeping him on the rails and even that was a major battle every day. I couldn't do that forever. It was taken out of my hands. And now, God needs to finish the favor and open the doors to a job...now. Even if the job doesn't actually start until August, I have enough to keep me going until then.
What could I do that I don't do? I don't look at the FB page of the female (and I use the term loosely) that my ex is hooked up with.
But tonight someone told me about a picture that she had posted of my ex and her. My son was sitting there and I asked him if he was still looking at her page and he said he hadn't for a few months. I told him I felt like I was going to throw up I was so sick. Just from the description of that one picture. So, unfortunately, he then looked at the page. I don't know what all he saw there but I saw his jaw line set...he clenched his teeth. After looking at things for a minute he put his phone down and quietly said, "I am done with him. Not that we. talk much now but I really don't want to talk to him ever again. I don't want him at my wedding. He is a poor excuse of a father and an adult." I would feel badly but his dad treated him badly and he really would be better off without that toxin in his life.
He is displaying signs of destructive behavior. I've already seen that movie up close and personal.
I sent out messages to quite a few of my church family/friends to ask for prayer for me in the pursuit of a certain job. An acquaintance of mine that works for an online charter school messaged me about a job opening. They are hiring 10 more people in her department and they especially need some in my section of the state. It would get my foot in the door and pay my bills until I finish my masters and can get an intervention specialist job with them. Then I could live in any part of the state. But I seriously need the job and NOW. When Evil Spawn starts to unravel he doesn't waste any time.
His behavior will leak over into his job and red flags will go up...then they will drug test him.
I always knew that I was the only thing that was keeping him on the rails and even that was a major battle every day. I couldn't do that forever. It was taken out of my hands. And now, God needs to finish the favor and open the doors to a job...now. Even if the job doesn't actually start until August, I have enough to keep me going until then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)