Brian was nice. I am not sure I can feel anything 'romantic' for him. Nothing wrong with him. I am not sure at this point I can feel 'romantic' for anyone. Not sure if it is depression or just not having a good enough opinion of myself. However, he seems to like hanging with me. He didn't even try to give me a hug, let alone a kiss.
I met with Dianne this afternoon and she filled me in on newer education standards. She went over common core with me. It isn't a bad idea...it is how it is executed and when. Common core would work if they had some way of working the kids into it instead of just dumping it on them and the teachers and saying "there ya go!" Too much testing too. And with the schools losing money and pulling back on paraprofessionals it just creates a real burden on the teachers. Why am I doing this?
Dianne told me to try and get into online teaching. I told her that is my goal.
In the meantime....I will do what I can do. I am doing applications still. Next Tuesday I go take my $105 reading endorsement test. I would like to take the middle school math endorsement test but I can't afford the other $105. Not now. I will take it as soon as I can.
The only thing that keeps the depression from setting in is class. Reading, learning...stretching my brain. Socialization is helpful but learning is better. I took 2 weeks off from class so I could get things done in my yard but it has either rained or been so hot we have had advisories to stay indoors.
I have a paper to finish this week...another one next week but other than the test that will take up 5 hours of my time on Tuesday afternoon, I have nothing scheduled. It is supposed to, at this point in weather time, rain most of the week next week so I guess I will use some time to get things painted and organized inside.
Everyone tells me to relax and enjoy my summer. Kinda difficult when I am not sure about the job situation. When I get anxious I spend some time on my knees.
Well, time to get dinner for TJ and I. I would think I would start dropping some weight. I haven't been eating much. Not much of an appetite.
Brian plans on taking me for sushi sometime this weekend. I like sushi so I do not know why I am not more happy about it. Depression.
Just what is mid-life crisis good for? Is it a REAL thing or just a blanket excuse for guys of a certain age deciding that the woman they were married to for 20+ years is probably the reason for their restlessness and unhappiness?
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
And I am Still Here
I did not much of anything today....yesterday now. I was up until 2:30 a.m. Monday getting my class assignments done and in. I had until 3 a.m. because it had to be in my 12 a.m. Arizona time. I could have had it in a lot sooner but I decided to watch the NBA finals. I sacrificed. LOL
The dogs let me sleep in until almost 9 a. m. because I let them out rather late. And then, when I woke up I realized I didn't have a paper to work on! I did not do yardwork because the rain was off and on and everything was soaked. I could have done some housework but...I didn't. Big mistake.
I have 2 dates this week...2 different guys. The one on Wednesday (Brian) lives more than an hour away. Then there is Dan...Friday evenings at a mom n pop restaurant here in town. He is about a 20 minute drive into the country from here. There is still another guy that lives in the next town, Jim, who wanted me to meet him for dinner here in town tomorrow night (tonight now). I put him off. This whole dating thing makes me want to have a panic attack.
I have been watching James MacDonald and more Joyce Meyer. James MacDonald is phenomenal. He really digs deep. Joyce helps smooth you out. Between the two of them I have really faced all the things I have done wrong that helped crumble my relationships. It has been really cathartic. I have done a lot of repentance and cleaning out the crumbs.
TJ has been doing quite a bit of news anchoring. He got called in to do a few hours of anchoring tonight because of storms and accidents closing down two different sections of freeway. He is still pretty nervous but he is getting better.
Tomorrow (today!) I can't be such a plop. I have a lot to do. Some of it I WANT to do. LOL
The dogs let me sleep in until almost 9 a. m. because I let them out rather late. And then, when I woke up I realized I didn't have a paper to work on! I did not do yardwork because the rain was off and on and everything was soaked. I could have done some housework but...I didn't. Big mistake.
I have 2 dates this week...2 different guys. The one on Wednesday (Brian) lives more than an hour away. Then there is Dan...Friday evenings at a mom n pop restaurant here in town. He is about a 20 minute drive into the country from here. There is still another guy that lives in the next town, Jim, who wanted me to meet him for dinner here in town tomorrow night (tonight now). I put him off. This whole dating thing makes me want to have a panic attack.
I have been watching James MacDonald and more Joyce Meyer. James MacDonald is phenomenal. He really digs deep. Joyce helps smooth you out. Between the two of them I have really faced all the things I have done wrong that helped crumble my relationships. It has been really cathartic. I have done a lot of repentance and cleaning out the crumbs.
TJ has been doing quite a bit of news anchoring. He got called in to do a few hours of anchoring tonight because of storms and accidents closing down two different sections of freeway. He is still pretty nervous but he is getting better.
Tomorrow (today!) I can't be such a plop. I have a lot to do. Some of it I WANT to do. LOL
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Weary
I am going to MAKE myself meet this Brian guy. Not sure I am doing the right thing. I don't feel excited or...anything. I realized that I feel nothing.
I feel like after the last 25 years I am emotionally drained. I am not sure I will ever feel anything again. Even worse, I'm not sure I care. Do I need a guy to tell me he loves me? Do I need a guy to look at me and tell me he thinks I am pretty? Or that he likes my weirdness?
Frankly, I am kinda feeling like I don't care.
I have wrapped my head around my class stuff and looking forward to the next 2 weeks after this. I let 'the final move' and anxiety over a job take over my head too much and now it is crunch time with my classes. I take small breaks here and there to try and give my brain something else to think about once in a while. I vacuum a room (for some reason I get good ideas when I vacuum) or I make a quick phone call to one of my sisters. They understand and can keep the conversation short. My mother, not so much. I won't be talking to her quite so much this week.
Next week is filling up. One afternoon is a 'study session' with Dianne about the new school teaching standards and common core and IEPs. Then there is the breakfast meet with Brian and on to my younger sister's house for a visit. Then there is the lunch with Pam. We are going to a Mom and Pop restaurant here in town that I have never tried out.
I told my son about the YouTube videos concerning Marriage and relationships by Jim and Karen Evans. They are excellent and told him that I think he and Brittany should watch those NOW and try to pre-empt any problems before they get married. He said they watched 2 of them last night and then discussed things. He said it really helped them talk about things and get a different understanding. I told him that if there is something that will help them be a better couple and not have to go through what his father and I have gone through then it is something they need to stick with.
Bethany and Jordan got signed up for their classes. He has an extra class his first semester that she doesn't have to take for some reason. And they have different math classes because she tests better at math than he does. They decided to take their classes at the main campus and were able to get all but one of them scheduled for Tues/Thur. She will have a bit of a wait in between a couple of classes while he is in class but she says that is fine because she will do her classwork so she doesn't have to do it at home. I told her I did that one semester...got all of my classes into 2 days. But I was taking more hours in one semester than she is. She has 12...I was taking 17. It just about killed me. The break between Thur and the next Tues was great BUT if I had classwork from Tues that was due on Thur my Wednesday was intense. She will be fine.
Troy still passes through my mind from time to time. Just wonder how he is. But that really is it. It is amazing to me that I really don't feel any anger or ANYTHING when I think of him. It is good...but amazing. I still feel some sadness every now and then with the knowledge that I didn't get my happy family unit that I worked so hard for...but...it was what it was and it could have been worse.
Now...back to it. And IT is making me tired. LOL
I feel like after the last 25 years I am emotionally drained. I am not sure I will ever feel anything again. Even worse, I'm not sure I care. Do I need a guy to tell me he loves me? Do I need a guy to look at me and tell me he thinks I am pretty? Or that he likes my weirdness?
Frankly, I am kinda feeling like I don't care.
I have wrapped my head around my class stuff and looking forward to the next 2 weeks after this. I let 'the final move' and anxiety over a job take over my head too much and now it is crunch time with my classes. I take small breaks here and there to try and give my brain something else to think about once in a while. I vacuum a room (for some reason I get good ideas when I vacuum) or I make a quick phone call to one of my sisters. They understand and can keep the conversation short. My mother, not so much. I won't be talking to her quite so much this week.
Next week is filling up. One afternoon is a 'study session' with Dianne about the new school teaching standards and common core and IEPs. Then there is the breakfast meet with Brian and on to my younger sister's house for a visit. Then there is the lunch with Pam. We are going to a Mom and Pop restaurant here in town that I have never tried out.
I told my son about the YouTube videos concerning Marriage and relationships by Jim and Karen Evans. They are excellent and told him that I think he and Brittany should watch those NOW and try to pre-empt any problems before they get married. He said they watched 2 of them last night and then discussed things. He said it really helped them talk about things and get a different understanding. I told him that if there is something that will help them be a better couple and not have to go through what his father and I have gone through then it is something they need to stick with.
Bethany and Jordan got signed up for their classes. He has an extra class his first semester that she doesn't have to take for some reason. And they have different math classes because she tests better at math than he does. They decided to take their classes at the main campus and were able to get all but one of them scheduled for Tues/Thur. She will have a bit of a wait in between a couple of classes while he is in class but she says that is fine because she will do her classwork so she doesn't have to do it at home. I told her I did that one semester...got all of my classes into 2 days. But I was taking more hours in one semester than she is. She has 12...I was taking 17. It just about killed me. The break between Thur and the next Tues was great BUT if I had classwork from Tues that was due on Thur my Wednesday was intense. She will be fine.
Troy still passes through my mind from time to time. Just wonder how he is. But that really is it. It is amazing to me that I really don't feel any anger or ANYTHING when I think of him. It is good...but amazing. I still feel some sadness every now and then with the knowledge that I didn't get my happy family unit that I worked so hard for...but...it was what it was and it could have been worse.
Now...back to it. And IT is making me tired. LOL
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)