Chasing Fear....Away

I think about a year after ASS II told me he wanted a divorce...after I lost my job...after I sat in a chair for almost 2 months, slept in it, and plotted ways to die...after praying for help over and over and clinging to hope...then was rewarded with a new job and feeling hope spring eternal...I bought myself a tshirt.  It says, "I'm Fearless" and on the back it says, "God's got my back".  I believe that.  He did not give up on me.  He has pointed, invited, pushed, shoved...ha ha.  But it has all been the best thing for me.

Things have broken down and I have had to take care of it...and it all made me feel inwardly stronger.  I needed to know that I am okay and I can do it.  I am NOT that person that sat in a chair for 2 months and plotted ways to die.

I am not a failure.  I do not refuse to keep trying.  God has filled me full of gumption.  He is helping me to be a better me...He is filling in the holes.

And now I am going to feel better about my outward self...my physical self...too.  I am so thankful for Weight Watchers Freestyle.  It is not a quick fix but it is a fix.  It amazes me when I eat so much food all week then I step on the scale after another week and it shows that I lost weight. 

I am ashamed that over the years I lost all of my confidence.  I dialed myself down, pulled myself in...all just to survive my marriage.  Then, I began to believe I was helpless. I was daily a failure...falling short of anyone that could live up to his expectations...being reminded constantly that I did not make him happy.  I did not make myself happy.  But how could I be in that atmosphere?


I had an epiphany today...after listening to one of the late Rev. Billy Grahams no too old sermons: I have to be able to realize that even though ASS II treated me in a way I did not deserve, he is what he is and he cannot be expected to be trusted not to sting when he is a scorpion.  His life will be the same thing over and over and he has peaked.  I am getting better and conquering one adventure after another. 

I am not sure I will ever have anyone else in my life.  I guess only time will tell.  Hey...it could be another adventure I have to conquer.  After all..."I'm Fearless"

Lost in Space

Okay...one month weight loss is a wee bit over 8 lbs.  It doesn't sound like a lot but the best part is I lost it without hardly trying.  I ate.  Tracked it.  Just ate a lot of food.  Weight Watchers is AWESOME.

Weather is warmer and I am trying to be more active.  A time will come where there will lots of garden work to do.

I am just looking forward to having this class done then the next 2 I will be taking for 6 weeks. Then I have to pass my license tests.  Sell my house.  Buy a new one.  Get moved and settled.  3 more classes in 6 weeks this summer.  Then I am going to relax.  I will not take on any projects.  No gardening (at least until the next summer).  No more classes (at least not for another 3 years).  I will get busy having a FUN life.  My own space.  Without any connection to ASS II.

I pray that my kids get their lives together.

Jordan bought Bethany a bearded dragon for Valentines Day. She has wanted for many years.  I hope she does not let him down.  I hope she loves him enough.

 This little 'lizard' was named Arwen.  They also have 2 cats: Frodo and Pippin.

Brittany still struggles and it causes TJ some struggles.  I am praying for them and not sure how it is going to work out.  Time will tell.  I also pray that TJ can find a better job cuz he needs it..deserves it.

The Gum on My Shoe

My first weigh in...I lost 4.2 pounds.  That was amazing to me!  I have hit a few anxiety moments.  And then I have to fight the old habit of eating my emotions.

I am making it through everything okay.  My last few IEPs were really good.  I have pretty much gotten the hang of it.   I still have some way to go before I can figure I am an 'expert'.

The ex tricked me into calling him.  He is blocked from my phone.  He texted me asking me if I could talk for a minute. Since he had asked me to wait to until today to cash the alimony check, I thought that maybe there was another problem.  But no, it was about some piece of junk mail...something stupid. Then he started to tell me about the gf bringing up to him about getting married...he tells her he does not want to talk about that...he calls her parents mom and dad....all the time I was talking over him, "I do not need to know this!  It's none of my business!  I don't care!!!!"  Said bye and hung up.  Then I told him that there was no reason for any of that asinine conversation and to not EVER think that I want to know ANYTHING about their relationship.  To which he replied, "everything I say to you is bad" and I said, "Yep, now you get it".  But, the words went in my ears and I can't unhear them.

arg...go away. Get married, don't get married, fall in a sink hole and die...I don't care.

I have homework to do tonight but I have been tired for days.  I am getting a good night's sleep but still tired.