Plodding Along to an Illusion of a Finish Line

I have started and quit so many diets.  I started them with enthusiasm...expecting great success.  But they always ended up being something I could not stick with.  I was not that disciplined to cut out large amounts of food that I could not eat.  So, I am giving Weight Watchers Freestyle another try.  I tried WW about 5 or so years ago when they were doing points system but their base of foods that they attached points to was small.  So, it was frustrating and I quit.  They have added to it though and it is easy to use.  I can plan ahead and I am able to eat pizza if I want as long as I plan for it.  I am eating mostly fresh food that I have to cook myself.  I like fruit and this allows me to eat fruit.  I like chicken and fish and I can eat all I want.  Of course, I am portion control conscious.  It does not ask you to be but I am.  I do not come close to using all of my points for the day and I end up with rolling over points.  I still don't touch them.  I have my first weigh in tomorrow and am feeling good.  I will not be upset if I do not lose much, or anything, after one week.  After all, I am not using all of my activity points like I should either.  I have to figure out how to do that.

I had a panic attack last night looking at my homework for this next week but I am just diving in and working as much as I can.  I will do my best.  This will be week 4.  Week 5 and 6 are easier and week 7 I have to put together and hand in my final project.  Luckily for me, we have a 3 day weekend..the Monday at the beginning of my 7th week is President's Day so it will give me some extra time.

I have let my hair grow.  It is longer than it has been in years.  I need the ends trimmed though because I have split ends.  I am not minding the long hair because, with help from my daughter, I have explored different hair care products and found things that work well for me and keep my hair from turning into a huge bushy mess.  Also with her support I have found skin care products that have greatly improved the look of my skin...neck, face especially.  The things I have found make the biggest difference: Avon vitamin C serum, Neutrogena moisturizing face wash, night gel mask, hydro boost moisture cream, and elf tinted face moisturizer with spf 20.

I am taking care of me.  I am also making time to either play in the back yard with Lucy or take a walk when the snow and rain are not falling.  Today is going to be in the mid to upper 40's so I will take time to take a walk with her...in between IEP writing and homework.

And having said that...I am going back to work.  I have 2 1/2 hours before the planned walk with Lucy.

The Long Meeting of Sharing and Feels

Today we had a 4 1/2 hour long Middle School meeting on line.  We all shared our lives.  There are other teachers out there that get what I have gone through because some of them are on the same page.  No, I did not start the whole thing.  There was another teacher that started telling her story...then another..and another...somewhere in there I shared some...and it just went on for 2 hours.
Then we had lunch and the rest of the meeting.

I had another epiphany.  And it has dropped a boulder off of my back:  it has not been that I did not forgive Douche, the problem has been that I have not forgiven myself.  Then I also realized that no one was holding anything against me.  I talked to my kids and they both said that no, they didn't have any hard feelings against me about anything. I was a good mom, I was always there and raised them well.  They are able to stand on their own 2 feet and figure things out. They are relatively well adjusted despite their dad.  So...having heard that, I forgave myself and have moved on.  I am feeling emotionally lighter.

Anytime Douche starts to creep into my thoughts at all, I stop and make my thoughts go in a different direction.  There is no reason for me to think of what is out in Kansas.

I am concentrating on what I need to do.  I do what I want to do and I am reveling in not having to be concerned with anyone else.

We found out our school may be taking in another 400-500 students soon.  They are trying to hire more teachers now to get ahead of the influx. But they also said we will need another 12 Intervention Specialists.  Does that mean that I will end up with way more students than I should have?  Again?
I am down to 17 students.  I started with 23.  I had to give 3 of them to a new IS.  Then one left the school on their own, 3 have been truancy withdrawn, another one was switched to a different curriculum and IS, then I received 2 new students.  I have not checked the student list today...I probably have another new one on there already.

Too many 'feels' today.  I am tired out.

This is too Bitter...Pass the Sugar

I will not go into the whole Christmas vacation thing.  I got to see Max, the kids got to have their dinner with their dad and meet the new woman.  The kids are sort of iffy about her. Bethany says it is too soon...she thinks the woman is too quick to rush in and embrace everyone and it makes her want to back away.  I get that because I am like that.  TJ said the woman acts a little too High Schoolish but at least she seems like a decent person and if this is the best that his dad can do and it works for him then he will accept it.

The weird part of it was that part of Douche's family contacted me afterward to make sure it is okay with ME that they get to know her....weird.  They said they felt as if they are betraying me.  I had to give them the talk..."he is related to you.  I am not his wife...she has not done anything wrong and you should get to know her."  I get that some of them like me more than they do him but...I view this as the thing that will allow them to let go of me.

I had an epiphany tonight...that I AM alone here...and I am not saying that in a depressing way.  What I am getting at is, I am alone...not connected to anyone and I do not have to 'worry' about what anyone thinks about what I do or how it will impact someone else.  Within reason.  I am free to do what I need to do or want to do ...for me.  No one else.  This is a new revelation.  For the first time in 27 years, I do not have to be just THE MOM...or someone's wife.

So, to that end.  I get up every day and read some Bible, then do a 10 minute deep breathe/relax/prayer session.  I get up, exercise for about 10-15 minutes, do the Bible meditation, eat breakfast then begin work.  I am feeling better.  This morning's bible reading was Colossians Chapter 3.  I won't quote but verses 8 and 13 are what I really needed and I will be focused on them for the week.

Ironically, the last class I have to start this Monday is all about writing IEPs.  yep..great timing.  I am hoping homework will be easy.  At the same time, I am learning how to do progress reports and I have 11 days to finish them all.  Some of them will be easier than others.  The ones at the end of semester 2 will be easier because they did not tell us what we needed to keep notes about.  Now I know and I will keep notes.  For these progress reports I have to pour through their course work and what notes I did keep to fill in progress and how many classes they attended.

Ugh...always something.  I will never get time to write my book.