It's a New Day

So far...I feel how I feel.  That feeling is over.  I went through the jumble of emotional swamp and now...it has been replaced. 

It is hard to describe.  I came to the realization that I have been keeping myself  from doing what I need to do for myself and moving forward because I have been stuck.  He was always there in my head and he would remind me he was still there.  I would hear the narrative.  I could not believe anything good about myself. 

Then it slowly occurred to me.  Like one of those spiral light bulbs that gets slowly brighter the longer it is on...he is GONE.  I mean...really gone.  He has someone in his life and he no longer NEEDS me to make him feel better.  He no longer turns to me for his support system.  Christmas will come and go and he will not be here to judge me and the house...leave with a pile of negative comments.  I...am....FREE! 

This feeling is like having back pain every day.  You get used to having to move a certain way, and you steel yourself for the pain you are going to feel as you get out of bed or try to do certain activities.  Then, one day...it is suddenly gone.  You keep testing yourself because you are not really believing it is gone. 

Yes, I realize I just compared him to a constant pain.  It fits.  But it is as if someone lifted a boulder off my chest.  I can breathe freely.  I started exercising again because I actually WANTED to!  Go figure.  I feel good! 

Now that the main source of my anxiety is gone, perhaps I will find myself not sitting in the chair in front of the TV so much feeling immobile. 

While there still is a bit of his judgment in the back of my brain still...I realize that I am in a place in my life, right now, that I am comfortable with.  I do not have a need, at this time, to have someone new in my life.  I am busy with my job and doing things around the house that need doing.  And if I get a moment of my own, I have many books I want to read.  There is the exercise that I will be doing daily.  Hopefully I will reap many benefits from that...beside weight loss.  It always makes my lower back feel better...it only takes one day of exercise to obtain that.  It was great to wake up this morning without the pain and not walk funny for the first few minutes after I get out of bed.

And the eye doctor gave me some contacts to wear so that I can just wear reading glasses at the computer.  I have not worn contacts in way over a year.  I have seldom worn them in the last few years because they just were not comfortable and the level of clear sight I got from them was disappointing.  But my older sister and my daughter were both raving about these accuvue oasis contacts so I am trying them now and I can see why they like them.  I can see!  No more wearing those glasses all the time!  That also makes me feel better about my looks.  In fact, I looked in the mirror and realized the only thing I am not liking so much about what I see is that I am overweight. And I am working on that.  It may take me a while but I am feeling better so hopefully the exercise thing will continue. 

I Feel How I Feel

I have been there for my kids.  Always.  Put my feelings and personal comfort aside for them. 

I am having a melt down.  and it has to do with my ex.  And it isn't because he is dating.  It is NOT the dating.  It is the stuff that came out of it.  The last thing I told him is I really do hope, for his sake, that it works out well however, if, heaven forbid, it comes to an end, do NOT call me anymore because I am sick and tired of him calling me when HE needed someone but he won't tell me he is dating someone now?  If he can't tell me that but will only call ME when HE needs someone then he can go f*** himself because it shows that he is not talking to me cuz he does consider me a friend...he is talking to me because HE is lonely but I really mean nothing to him.  Nothing.  No respect for me.  He got mad but...I really don't give a crap.  This is MY life and he no reason to be in it.  It has always baffled me how he could decide he doesn't want me in his life...so he divorces me...YET he will call me and text me and email me to tell me about his life cuz..."I still love you  and want us to be friends."  What a maroon.    It is NOT the dating...it his total lack of respect.  He will never get it. 

And my kids lied to me about it.  They said, "he told us not to tell you."  And they didn't tell me BUT when I asked them point blank if he was dating...because he was silent and I was pretty sure that meant he is dating...they lied.  for him.  I told them that lying is lying and seriously, considering everything...how he treated them...and how I was always there for them...always...still am...lying should have never happened no matter what.  And THAT is why I hurt.

But no one understands why I am so upset.  And I am not going to try and explain it anymore to anyone because it is based on how I am perceived and treated by all.

And you know what....

I am so damned tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD feel or why I SHOULDN'T feel what I am feeling.  THESE ARE MY FEELINGS FOR MY OWN REASONS!   WHEN DO I GET TO BE SELF CENTERED???  WHEN DO I GET TO JUST ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN FEELINGS?

Now.  I am doing that now.  I am just tired of worrying about my son and his weekly arguments with his wife and divorce talks.  I am tired of worrying about my daughter and her anxiety and confusion about what she is going to do and where she is going to do it.  I have a job I have to do and set my emotions aside for that. I am going to allow myself to feel disrespected and hurt.  Cuz...it is MY life, MY feelings and I am going to acknowledge myself.  Obviously no one else is.

GOAL!

Each day I do a bit more...learning more how to help the students assigned to me.  But it makes me mad because it should have been this way from the start.  I have students in double digits that are failing.  I can't be sure if they are failing because of laziness, their disability, or because I was not shown how to modify lessons.  I would feel like the dummy but the guy on my team that used to be a teacher for OHVA for the last few years seems to be even more clueless than me. Nathan.  His name is Nathan.  Which explains what I suspected about him over the last 2 years when he was an ELA teacher and I was working as a FASL.  He was very blase about things.  I would ask him questions about his student and I would get a lot of, "I will check."  "I am not sure".  I am wondering if the reason he felt that he did not have a choice of whether or not he was switched from ELA Gen Ed teacher to IS is because they were trying to find a more useful spot for him.At least he has a good sense of humor.  Dry and sarcastic.  Something I can relate to.  I do not know how he handles THIS job.  He is married with young kids.  The married part is manageable as long as the spouse is understanding but how does he manage to have time for his kids?? 

I took the time to rearrange my budget and account for everything.  It cuts down on anxiety.  Now I need to take the time to arrange the time for working out.  Exercise is the only thing that helps me take off weight.  Of course you have to eat sensibly.  I can't eat a piece of pie everyday.  I should bake a pie then freeze the pieces.  Eat one piece a week.  That would take me 2 months to eat one pie.  3 pies a year (I CAN do math!).   I am not good at sticking with a diet that makes me cut out whole groups of food.  Right now the craze is cutting out sugar and carbs.  I can understand cutting out sugar.  And lowering the carb intake is good.  Lord knows twinkies aren't good for you. And eating pop tarts for breakfast is not the best idea...for MANY reasons.  yuck.

I would like to eat spaghetti once in awhile.  And maybe some potato soup.  I would like to eat salsa with chips.  I can do that...just not every day or every week.  I just need to put in a good amount of exercise.  I ask me students before small group IEP classes if they have taken a dance break to shake things out and get the blood pumping.  I need to make sure I do. I can do that between classes in the morning...after the classes...after my classes.  Then in the evening I do a half hour of working out in someway...muscle work out or cardio.  Track what I am eating on My Fitness Pal.  I really do need to learn to take care of myself.   I have gotten so used to putting everyone and everything before myself.

I finally got my travel cost reimbursement from my employer.  Now I have enough money to pay off to shut off this infernal Directv.  Then I am unplugging.  Hulu and perhaps CBS All Access but now I am thinking Amazon Firestick because my smart TV does not allow me to add the CBS all Access App.  So what good is it?  It is good for one button access to Netflix.  And Hulu.  But I want CBS All Access and possibly HBO access.  (I miss Sneaky Pete).

On a totally unrelated note...I chatted with a HS friend of mine on the FB tonight. She has always really liked me and I, for the life of me, do not know why. Especially when I was annoyed by her...WAY to enthusiastic.  LOL!  Anyway, she has lost quite a bit of weight in the last 6 months. She had a hernia and had an operation and while they were in there, they took part of her stomach...like a gastric bypass type of operation...a sleeve.  She went from 232 to 163 and still losing.  She told me how much more energy she has and her back pain is gone.  She is the second friend of mine that has had such a surgery.  This HS friend urged me to check into it.  It would be great to have some help in the weight loss department. 

Anyway...I have things to do tomorrow.  I have a few craft fairs to go to at which some friends have some booths AND I have a hockey game to go to. One of my students asked me to come watch him play.  He is a great kid and a good student.  It is only 10 minutes away so I will put on a warm coat and go watch.  Make the kid happy.  His parents adopted him and 2 other kids. The other 2 have physical problems and this couple adopted them on purpose to give these kids a good home and someone that loved them and took care of them.  Now that is amazing.  What great people!

I also have  bit of yardwork.  So, I guess I had better get some sleep.

Fall Back

Beginning of November already? ??

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I put in a new long shirt and leggings.  I lost 2 months of my life sitting in front of a computer and it SHOWS. I should have been out walking Lucy while it was nice weather but...nnnoooo...I was doing homework and writing IEPs!!!   Ugh.

There has GOT to be more to life than this.