The Bottomless Alone

I don't do alone very well.  I know God is there and I cling to it.  But I need that human contact. 

I learned to cut relationships short because I was not feeling a solid foundation and I wanted to feel like it was my choice.  And if it was my choice, then it would not hurt.

I did not want pets. You love them...then they die and it causes you pain.

I know pain is unavoidable.  It is not the pain that scares me.  It is what the pain does to my mental state.

My dad's mom had extreme anxiety.  Extreme.  She masked it with a mean streak that ran deep and long.  I had a sneaking suspicion my grandfather got around and she was well aware of it.  Her life was never on solid ground.  Her mother was a staunch Christian and my grandmother chose to turn her back on it and lead a corrupt life with my grandfather...and he betrayed her. 

My dad's grandmother would take him to church with her.  That is why he is sort of different than his 2 siblings. 

My mother's siblings have anxiety induced paranoia in their older years.  I watch my mother for signs of it and she is afraid of being that way.

So I come by mental imbalance honestly. Being alone makes me feel like I am constantly struggling to hang on to a window ledge. I also struggle with the idea that I had/have something that I should have done or should be doing and I am squandering my life. 

I am thankful for what I have.  And I should not whine.  But I don't do alone very well.  It is not pretty.  And I disappoint myself.

I keep telling myself it will change.  I hope it changes for the better because it could be worse.

Step Step Step...

I finally rearranged my office and put the 19 inch flat screen in there.  It is hooked up to a digital antenna so that I can watch the news in the morning while I work.  I am not sure why I want to watch the news.  It is just a lot of picking at the president.  I am over it.

On Valentine's morning I got a text from Douche complete with a kissy fact emogie.  It said, "happy Valentine's Day".  I said, "No.  You should be sending that to someone who likes you.  Not the woman you divorced"  I can't talk to him.

I have rearranged my work schedule.  I am trying something new...having open office hours each day and letting the parents and students pop in when it is convenient for them. The only stipulation is that they HAVE to check in with me once a week.    It worked pretty well this last week.  I only had to chase down 4 parents on Friday.

I have actually been exercising.  I don't want to have to do it but if I want to lose weight, I have to move.  After all, it is what keeps one healthy.

This is short.  I am feeling a bit tired and I have things to do.  Thank heavens this is a 3 day weekend.  And the weather is rather nice.  I can do something outside!

Pulling it All Together with Rubber Bands and Bubble Gum

I know it is the beginning of February so my year is not starting with the calendar.  But I am usually late.

I have had my vivofit since September.  It was my bday present to myself.  However, yesterday I finally took the time to figure out how to sync it up to my phone and MyFitness Pal.  This morning I did a weigh in and updated it on my MFP and TADA...it was instantly updated on my VivoFit.  That kind of stuff amazes me.  I am just flumoxed by the whole 'sync' thing.  It is cool and scary all at once.

I just found out about My Google Activity this weekend so I have been checking my laptop and phone on it and shutting things down and deleting things.  Google does not need to gather information on me.  BUT, at least I understand how I would talk to someone on my phone about something and then ads would pop up on my computer or phone while I am browsing that goes with my PHONE CONVERSATION.

Anyway, back to the weigh in...should someone get quite so excited over losing a whole 0.6 of a pound?

My daughter, who is all about the losing weight and getting in shape and eating NOT crap, bought me an under the desk cycle for Christmas.  I had put it on my list.  She, of course, bless her little heart, bought it.  I LOVE it.  I had to get rid of the rolling chair, though.

And now a FB site that I was added to that everyone shares their low carb/no sugar recipes/meals on.  It does give me some other ideas.  However, the really big thing for me is just trying to stay away from bread and pasta.

I sat and watched 'Going the Distance' and for the first time in a long time I actually thought about wanting a new relationship.  And everything that goes with it.  But I also realized it will mean I need to get busy working on myself, inside and out. Who wants someone that isn't happy with themselves?

On my FB page, when I opened it up this morning was one of those "memories" posts.  It is from 4 years ago...4 years.  It was about how I was up baking after 11 p.m. at night because Douche had told me one of his co-workers was having a bday and he felt sorry for him because he is divorced and he asked me if I could bake some cupcakes for him to take to work.  I don't even remember that!  LOL  But, yeah, I did a lot of that kind of stuff.  I remember the time I made a huge huge batch of potato salad for him to take for a potluck lunch.  It is what he wanted so I did it.  And it clogged up our pipes because he shoved the skins all into the garbage disposal at the same time.

Hey,...I'm divorced.  No one is baking ME cupcakes.  Not that I could eat them now.  *sigh*

I sat and really, honestly played the memories of our 25 years together through my brain and 99.9% of the GOOD memories were all family.  I only have maybe 2 good memories of just the 2 of us.  So, there ya go.

Last night was a real gut laugh.  I got upset because there was this loud noise coming from the wall in which my shower pipes were.  I looked down stairs and there was not a water leak anywhere.  I tried shutting off the water, the breakers...nothing made the noise stop.  I could not figure it out until I stepped into the shower and was really listening.  Turns out, my spinning scrub brush that had not worked for days had come on.  It was sitting on top of the ceramic soap dish that is attached to the ceramic tile walls...and it was causing a loud noise.  sheesh.  And I was ready to take a hammer to the pantry wall (on the other side of the shower) just to get in there and find out what the problem was.

I have also decided to quit the college classes for the Intervention Specialist.  And I feel GREAT!  Less stress, and I don't really think it was what I wanted.  I like the job I have and hope that I might be able to move up in the company or, at the least, keep the job that I have until I retire.  I am looking at other part-time online work that I can do to supplement my income.  (if anyone knows of anything, give a girl a holla.  yes,..yes I just typed that).

So, today is the first day of the best rest of my life.  Let's be careful out there.  And make good choices.

IH8 PPL...or do I?

It has boiled beneath the surface most of the week.  That call from a week ago.

I have tried to ignore it but it pushed some stuff to the surface that I just didn't really want to be real about and deal with.  In the end, it forced me to shut the door and lock it for good.  I found my closure.

In summation...it was a crap marriage. Sure there were some spots of good feelings. Truthfully, though, it was FAMILY moments, not couple moments.

I guess it is time for me to face and embrace a different future than I had been envisioning.  After all, what I wanted never happened.  The only thing I feel sad about is spending so much of my life with him. Can't go back and have a do over so the best I can do is move forward and see what happens.

The weird part is now I feel like there is a whole big empty place that I do not know what to do with. A big place in my thinking that I need to fill because it was occupied by him...what was he doing, what does he need, how can I make him happy...that kind of junk.  Also, there was a lot of 'what is the matter with him?"  lol

So I guess I need to figure out what I can do with my free thinking time.  This means that I have to think about me.  wow.  I have forgot how to think about me so much.  I thought I WAS thinking about me but now I realize I do not know what I like to do!  I have no hobbies...no interests...I am boring!!!

I need an outside job or something.  A place where I am mixing and mingling with, gasp, other people.