I don't do alone very well. I know God is there and I cling to it. But I need that human contact.
I learned to cut relationships short because I was not feeling a solid foundation and I wanted to feel like it was my choice. And if it was my choice, then it would not hurt.
I did not want pets. You love them...then they die and it causes you pain.
I know pain is unavoidable. It is not the pain that scares me. It is what the pain does to my mental state.
My dad's mom had extreme anxiety. Extreme. She masked it with a mean streak that ran deep and long. I had a sneaking suspicion my grandfather got around and she was well aware of it. Her life was never on solid ground. Her mother was a staunch Christian and my grandmother chose to turn her back on it and lead a corrupt life with my grandfather...and he betrayed her.
My dad's grandmother would take him to church with her. That is why he is sort of different than his 2 siblings.
My mother's siblings have anxiety induced paranoia in their older years. I watch my mother for signs of it and she is afraid of being that way.
So I come by mental imbalance honestly. Being alone makes me feel like I am constantly struggling to hang on to a window ledge. I also struggle with the idea that I had/have something that I should have done or should be doing and I am squandering my life.
I am thankful for what I have. And I should not whine. But I don't do alone very well. It is not pretty. And I disappoint myself.
I keep telling myself it will change. I hope it changes for the better because it could be worse.
4 comments:
grrrl I feel your pain. I don't want to spend my last few years alone either. I've joined a dating site but even there its unnerving...maybe you'll meet somebody local; do you have some place that has happy hour and you can get a bite to eat out with girlfriends? ... I know here it is a very small town and trying to meet singles is hard here to do.
I met the last one in a bar. Not sure where I will meet someone. We'll see.
any luck on finding a keeper? for me its been one disappointment after another. Maybe at 61 I should just throw in the towel...nobody wants an old gal.
Nobody yet. I am like you...I am afraid I am too old and that I should throw in the towel. However, right now I am thinking the biggest issue is my weight. Let's face it, people influenced by what they see. I personally am not drawn to guys that walk around with their shirt open showing off their body because I instantly believe them to be self centered...or guys that never shave and wear baggy jeans because I instantly think they are just lazy slobs. So, if a guy sees an overweight woman, they may think I am lazy, don't take care of myself or they are just never going to be attracted to me. We will see once I lose some weight.
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