The Yard

I used to be enthusiastic about taking care of my yard...the gardens.  But something changed when I got a divorce.  I do not find joy in it anymore.  Of course the horrible heat and humidity this summer really killed any desire I may have still had to make it look nice.  My neighbors have had to endure looking at the weeds popping up among my flowers and bushes.

I had planned on getting out today and spending a lot of time outside cleaning things up but the most that is going to happen today is mowing the lawn and some weed cutting with the weed whacker.  What changed my plans was 2 things:
1) I had enrolled in Intervention Specialist certification program, which started this last Monday BUT the registrar seemed to have 'lost' my paperwork (in their email!!!) and after I, once again, contacted them yesterday and they alerted me to the faux pas, and I had to resend it all, 10 minutes later I was able to get into the first class and found I have 2 chapters of work to do by 11:59 p.m. tomorrow night;
2) the weather had turned very humid and hot...again.

I am making plans to remove 2 gardens and make it just some place for grass to grow.  So much easier to just mow.  It is sad but it may actually just look better in the long run.

My friend Susan has been trying to sell me on moving back close to home but move to her town.  It is about a 40 minute drive away from my parents.  It is close, but not too close.  She works as a paraprofessional in the local school system and she told me they employ quite a few Intervention specialists.  I am looking for a better paying gig.  Unfortunately, to get one, I have to go back into the F2F classroom.  Online schools simply do not pay well.  It is okay for me right now while I am waiting for Bethany to finish college but I will still have 10 years before I retire after she finishes.  And I need to be looking at my earnings for those 10 years.  I could always get a gig back with an online school after that for a few years...just for extra income.  It is a more flexible schedule.

However, one step at a time.  I like where Susan lives but  time and prayers will tell.

My son and his wife are returning from the Honeymoon today.  They caused me to upgrade my data plan on my cellphone service for this month.  They uploaded large quantities of pictures and videos to FB and overran the data plan.  At some point, they will need to get their own cellphone plan.  Right now, I shoulder the burden.   They pay for their phones and access but I pay for the data plan.

I have those 2, Bethany, and my parents on my plan.  I will always take care of my parents.  Bethany will eventually have to do her own plan, too.  But the biggest users of the data plan are TJ and Brittany.  Luckily I get a 15% discount through my employer.

So, I cannot put it off any longer.  Off to mow the lawn.  *sigh*  I try to be grateful with the knowledge that I am healthy enough to still do it and have the ability.

The Final Note

I made it.  Son married.  whew.

I cooked the food, I made the bouquet, the boutonniere, I made the centerpieces (per bride's specifications), I altered my son's suit pants and my daughter's dress, and I did not kill their father.

While he was around I spent quite a bit of the time shutting down his penchant to try and place the blame on someone else for mistakes he made, I deflected his rudeness, and shrugged off his 'apologies'.  By the time he left, he got the message loud and clear that I have detached myself from him and his life no longer matters to me.  I am not taking his crap any more and it is not going to affect me.  He handed me the checks for the kids' bdays (September is bday month) and handed me one for mine.  I tried to hand it back to him and he said, "take it.  It is the last one."  I told him there is no need for it NOW either.  He insisted I take it so I kept it.  I have not made up my mind whether or not I AM going to cash it.  I just really don't want anything more from him.  I know he can afford it but that isn't the point.  I guess I will wait until my bday gets here and then access what I feel like doing.

The wedding...it rained.  Hard, most of the day.  Disappointing because the wedding had to be set up under the canopy on the patio adjacent to the reception hall/winery.  It still had a pretty view of the hill with the grape vines on top.  It quit raining after the ceremony just long enough to put the bride/groom, parents and photographer in golf carts and took to the top of the hill to take pictures among the flowers and in the gazebo.

I look tired in the pictures...I was.  3 days of prep and little sleep.  I got very little help from the dad.  He was very generous, however, with the money for the bride and groom as far as a present.  He gave them more money than I expected.  It was the bright spot in the whole thing.  I never wanted to be the fat mom in the pictures but, again, I concentrated on everything this summer but me.  I will not be this big when Bethany gets married. But everyone else was beautiful!

Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken

This guy was wrong about one thing...what I imagined it would be like if my marriage ended was worse than I imagined when it happened...not the other way around.

I was surprised, too.

But I have realized something else.  I have kept myself busy.  I have thrown myself into projects to prove to myself that I can do things myself.  I needed to find that person in me again.  I was always that way before but he made me wait...wait for his approval.    I have gone out and done other things for fun that I wanted to do.  I have made decisions about my future that I feel are very important to make my situation more comfortable.

BUT...I am not happy with how I look.  I have avoided that.  I have poked at it...but not taken it serious enough to control it.  I know that in order for me to be more confident with my future, I need to be more confident with my looks.  So I guess that is my next major project.  Besides the year of classes and tests.

What A Week

I did it.  I finished the paver patio.  Well, the main part is done and I got the firepit set.  I still need to put a brick edging around the patio to make it look nicer but that can wait until Fall...when the heat goes away.  It has been way too blessedly hot and humid.

It still has a lot of sand on the pavers but it there was a day of heavy downpours the next day  and it pretty much washed them off.  The grass in my back yard is dead now because of the high heat and many many days of no rain.   And this needs an outdoor couch or some outdoor chairs.  I have to put some gravel around the firepit.

Troy is on his way here in his new truck and hauling his old car to give to Bethany.  He will drop it and take off to his mom's for a few days.  He is also stopping to meet some woman he met online who lives in Cleveland.  She is in her 50s, is a divorcee and is very nice looking.  A blonde with big blue eyes.  At first I felt something not nice but I wasn't sure what it was.  Jealousy?  Hurt?  What?
Then I realized it was a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because he seems to be meeting other women but I am meeting no one. Once I decided what I was feeling this bad feeling about, I was okay.

To tell you the truth, I really do NOT see him settling down with another woman.  He likes his freedom too much right now.  He may change his mind about it at some point.  I just know that I would like a companion so I am not feeling so lonely.  However, once I sell this house and move closer to my family and other friends, I may not care.  I do like my freedom, too.

I am actually relieved to realize that I don't care if he has someone else in his life.  I know I don't love him.  I have made my peace with the fact that he and I never belonged together.  And it is best this way.  He is just an ass about how he does things.  He will never change.  He doesn't think things through.

Beyond all of that...

Work was busy and hectic.  Next week will be a short week for me and I really won't have all that much to do.  I have Thursday and Friday for vacation days before the wedding.  Then the Monday after the wedding I will be starting my classes for Intervention Specialist.  I am NOT looking forward to another year of college classes but it has to be done if I want a better paying teaching job.  If I was still married to Troy, I would just keep the job I have and be happy with it.  But, I have to make better money.

My son is getting married.  wow.

Projects

It is hard for me to realize that in 2 weeks...TWO WEEKS my son will be getting married.
I have to tailor his suit pants yet...alter Bethany's dress...perhaps alter mine.

I was not really thrilled with the dress I got so I found another one to order.  I am waiting for its arrival.  It will be here by next Wednesday.  I also ordered a different pair of shoes.  By the time I get the second dress and second pair of shoes I will know which one gets kept and which one gets returned.  Cutting it close but that is the way everything has been going.

I had to do a lot of work to straighten out the mess created by changing home owner's insurance.  But, it is taken care of now.  Took 2 weeks but it is done.

I FINALLY got the document I need from the mortgage company to prove to the IRS that I don't owe them anymore money.  It is my fault in the first place because the one I had when I filed is missing.  I don't know how or where it went because I keep everything together in folders but this time this ONE document was missing from the folder.  It took me 3 weeks, 4 emails and 4 calls to get the thing.  I was kinda irked by the 3rd phone call but I was a controlled pleasant.

I drove 169 miles and almost 3 hours Monday night to the convention center for the beginning of school meetings.  Tuesday late afternoon I left and drove 169 miles and almost 3 hours back home because back in March I had bought tickets for a Goo Goo Dolls/Collective Soul/Tribe Society concert that Bethany wanted to go to with me.  In June the powers that be announced that we would have our school meetings at the beginning of August instead of the end...and the concert date was in the middle of it.  Oh well.

So, after the concert, I drove home with Bethany (it was a 15 minute drive), was in bed at 12:30 a.m, got up at 4:30, got ready and drove almost 3 hours back to the convention ctr for another day of meetings that turned out to be a lot of thumb twiddling.  After 7 hours of that, I drove almost 3 hours back home.  Yay.  And then I had to listen to Troy yap on the phone for about 40 minutes.  I kept trying to get off the phone and he kept saying, "Wait!" and he would talk some more.  Finally I heard Bethany come home from work and I told him, "your daughter's home from work.  I'll let you talk to her."  and there was the hand off.

He told me he was going to call the next night to 'discuss' when he would be here for the wedding, etc.  I did not know why because he could more easily send me a text or email.  BUT he never called.  I know what day he is planning on showing up...that's all I need to know.

Thursday was the real work day...the real first day of work.  I ended up working an hour longer than I should have.  Not a good start.

Friday...today...it was a 2 hour long cyber meeting and by the time we were done, it was as clear as mud.  There are two different groups of kids that we are split up to deal with.  She was trying to address everyone at once.

Here is what I do know...by the end of the day, I found out which copy of which email to send out to the students and their learning coaches...so I did.  I have my notes on each student ready...all tucked away in the pages of my One Note digital notebook.  Come Monday there will be a lot of phone calls, discussion, training the parents and students.  Lonnie and I get to 'babysit' the students that ended the school year badly but have returned. We have to make sure they all (and their parents) get started off on the right foot and know how to not get tossed out.  The State is ripping charter schools apart and we are ruling with an iron fist.

Tomorrow morning is supposed to be fairly cooler for a while so I AM going to finish the paver patio so I can be done with it.  The patio will be done, the firepit set, Then I don't have to keep looking at an unfinished project.

My kitchen is not finished.  It needs new cupboard pulls and the baseboards I have to finish repainting.

The main bathroom still needs the new timer switch wired in.  Then that is done.

The livingroom needs one more coat of paint on one of the walls.  The baseboards need repainted.   The window treatments need hung.  Pictures on the walls.

Then those projects are COMPLETE.

When fall gets cooler I have gutters to paint.  I just MIGHT use the paint sprayer.  It is a lot of work but it needs to be done.

I will be starting classes after the wedding.  I would love to veg but that is not going to happen.  I have to prepare myself for a better paying teaching job after Bethany is out of college and ready to move somewhere else.  I will sell the house and move closer to family and friends.  And I should be able to pick up an Intervention Specialist job somewhere around there.  It will be difficult to move with 3 dogs.

I will cross the bridges when I get to them.  I will figure it out when I have to.

Standing Solid

All my ranting and raving/wailing and gnashing of teeth.  2 years of it.  Over.  Really over.   Last night some REAL finally seeped in.  And all because of the purchase of a truck.

I did not buy a truck...Troy did.  He called me and told me about it because he is giving our daughter his old car.  And his old car is  NICE one.  She is thrilled.

I listened to him and I realized something...it was crystal clear:  I would not choose him.  NOW, in my old age wisdom, I know that I would not choose him  In fact, I don't know how I would have ever met him.  My oldest sister is right...had I not gone with her to that bar for her birthday, we would have never met.  And my life (and his) would not have started on a miserable journey for the next 27 years.

He and I never belonged together and we ended up making each other unhappy because of it.  I was lonely all of that time.

And what really made me get that was he was telling me about the stuff he does with his friends.  He has told me about his friends and they are the same type of friends he had when I met him....they just had more money.  He told me he wanted a different life when I met him.  What I was too dumb to know is what he really wanted was the same friends BUT with more money.  He likes the drunken, foul mouthed friends.  I don't mean to make that sound like I am looking down my nose but they are just not what I was raised around,  He was.  I am uncomfortable with that but he loves it.  Ergo...he and I never belonged together.

So, throughout the course of listening to him, I realized that that horrible feeling I had in my chest was a mixture of jealousy and resentment.  Jealous because he has all of this money and can afford to just go out and buy another vehicle.  I can't...at least not at this time.  Resentment because I spent a lot of years taking care of him and a family and then I get to start at the bottom of the pay scale again.  
THEN I also realized that I was basically dishonoring God because He has taken care of me.  I have a job I love and things have been working out okay.  Things will continue to get better.  My job does not pay much, which is the downside.  But when the time is right, I will move on and up and find a better paying position.  Perhaps a really nice guy will come along and I can have a decent relationship.  He doesn't have to make a lot of money.  As long as he makes as much as I am now it will be good.

I am sad that Troy and I spent so many years making each other unhappy.  But, it is time gone and I have 2 pretty great kids.  I had a wonderful wonderful life with them.  Troy missed out on a lot of that.  He was too busy spending his time with the friends he thought were a good time.

Priorities.

And Troy stuck around to support his family.  He did a good job.  He is not a monster.  It is just that he made us all suffer for his unhappiness.  ALL of us.  But that is over.

On to a shiny new day.  As I said, things will get better.  I just get impatient to meet my new 'someone'.  Hope he isn't too far down the road!