When I grew up I was the smart, good girl. I never wanted to rock the boat and I believed in following the rules. Then I met Kim. She was so not me. We were thrown together in 7th grade. I disliked her and she disliked me. But in 7th grade we had EVERY class together. So, one day...being that she was the more outspoken one and I was shy...she sat down beside me and said, "We can do this one of two ways...we can either get to know each other and try and be friends OR we can continue not liking each other and have a rotten year." Well, we decided to get to know each other and she became my best friend for the next 6 years. She was outgoing, outspoken, and didn't always think things through before she did something. She didn't care what anyone thought. I was quiet, held back, and always considered the consequences before I did anything, and was paranoid about people watching me and judging me. So, she brought me out of my shell and I held her back from doing some pretty stupid things. Yin and Yang.
I got to be more self centered. I wasn't mean to people I just didn't always think about how they felt when I did things. I had anxiety pretty bad and was just pushing it down. When things got uncomfortable, I bailed...backed off...and if it hurt someone I felt badly about it but I went into self preservation mode.
Then when we graduated, she went off to Virginia to visit with her grandmother for an unspecified amount of time...and to decide what it was she wanted to do with her life. I went on to college (first 2 years at a satellite campus of a state college) and felt a little unbalanced without my best friend. I went outside of myself and became a balloon in the wind. I was not anyone I used to be. I serial dated and drank a lot. I found my first fiancé and he was my new anchor. But he became too much of an anchor and when I went away to college, when he wasn't there on the weekends, I cheated. I was not a nice person. And during the summers, the fiancé controlled my time when I wasn't working. He separated me from everyone. We didn't hang out with anyone...no friends, no family. Just us. He insisted. I used to get a lot of migraines. So when I got one of those and messed up his plans for the evening, he got 'upset'. He would take me home and drop me off. I never realized he thought I was faking it. He came back to the house one night after he dropped me off and I had run straight to the bathroom and was barfing in the toilet...my mother told me that R--- had come back and was in the kitchen. After I finished barfing, and rinsed out my mouth, I went out into the kitchen. My mother had not fully closed the bathroom door and he had heard what I was doing. He looked at me with wide eyes and said, "Was that YOU?" I said, "yes...the migraines make me nauseous." He said, "I didn't know you REALLY had a migraine!" It never had dawned on me that he thought I was lying. (oh...and my cheating on him...I didn't feel so badly about cuz while I was away, he was cheating on me too).
I am not sure why I just wrote all of that other than to give a little background of what I was like. And I did that to say this: I have changed so very much over the last 27+ years of knowing my ex husband. I used to be impatient, self centered, and unsympathetic towards others because I knew nothing of human nature. The things my ex dragged me through and did, the places I lived and people I have met because of him, the situations I have had to endure, has changed me. I have become more trusting and have more faith in God to help me be strong and make the right choices...to keep us safe. I have learned to be patient and understanding.
If I had had a better marriage....easier...I would not have become the person I am now and I like me better. That is not to say I could not have become this person by having a bit of an easier life but I will never know. Right now, I am trying to find a silver lining for my marriage and life so that I don't mourn the lost years.
I think back to what I was like 30 years ago and it is difficult for me to recognize myself. While I can't imagine myself being like that ever again...my ex has no problem being like that again.
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