5. Preserve your energy.
In her book, Ready to Heal, Kelly McDaniel urges people who have just ended a relationship to preserve their energy, to avoid cluttering their days with too much activity. She writes, “The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [of a relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solution.” You feel tired? You’re working two jobs … that’s why!
I am not sure I agree with that entirely. Another point in this article I was reading on how to survive divorce, was to take up crocheting...yuck...or read a really good book. I am reading 3 books at once and I am thinking I should just read the books and nothing else. But, if I do that, then who is going to do what needs to be done around here?
I have to go shopping for a new hot water heater. The one we have is at least 10 years old and it has a little leak in the bottom. My dad said hot water heaters only last an average of 10 years and there is no fixing them once they start to leak. yay.
I spent Saturday afternoon spraying the fence with water proofing/preservative. Today I planted a tree in the back yard.
I have been in so much PAIN for the last 3-4 days. I hobble. I feel like it takes a major amount of energy just to get around. Doing yard work today was so hard!! Saturday I was in such pain I actually cried...not a sobbing cry...just let the water leak from my eyes. I helped my son put his bed together the night before and move his mattress downstairs. I also discovered the water heater leak when I had to open the furnace and clean the flame sensing unit because while helping him put his bed together I heard the furnace keep trying to kick on but not succeed.
So today I fell down the rabbit hole again...cursing my pain, cursing my life...cursing the ex. I do know that things will change and get better but today I was not feeling so positive.
I know that things will be taken care of around here...maybe not as quickly as I would like but I just need to slow down and prioritize. Some things will be easier once he gets his crap out of here and I can deal with the rest. I am just itching to go through the garage and other places of the house with a big garbage bag. I want this house to be cleared of him. I am looking forward to May when he comes with the truck to get his stuff...and I am also dreading it because it will stir things up all over again. But...I will mentally prepare myself and by May my life should be in a better spot.
I have so many things I want to do with my life...and not just meaning career wise. I want to learn how to dance and I found a dance studio that is close by...but I need a partner to go with. I want to keep writing and hope to make what I'm writing better. I am thinking about joining the town orchestra...so many things.
In the meantime...what I NEED to do is get a new water heater and finish my daughter's room. The one thing I am going to do for myself to get me out of the house is join the women's bible study group on Wednesday night.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
Faking It
Online dating is just...not...a situation that I understand.
My ex-MIL got on at least one online dating site and it worked out for her. Although at one point she thought she was going to run off to Florida and marry this guy that supposedly had a great house on the beach. THAT didn't happen...we all had a fit and she saw it for what it REALLY was. But then, she ended up with a pretty terrific guy that really loves her and takes such great care of her!
I have signed up briefly on a half dozen online dating sites to see what it is like and what is out there. This I what I found: lots of fake profiles and I was inundated with contacts from what seemed to be guys that were not who they portrayed themselves to be and are actually foreigners. All they wanted was information about my email account or FB account. And I am pretty sure it had something to do with hacking into the computer or accounts or downloading key logger malware...something not good.
IF I decide someday to try hooking up with someone it is going to have to be someone that I meet through someone else or meet in person on my own. That online crap is just that to me...crap.
This last week was pretty good...after the email thing with the Ex...cuz I didn't hear anything out of him after I sent him MY email. No text, call or email. And with each day that passed without hearing from him I felt a little better. Then I had to send him a text to ask him a question about one of his power tools....the battery charging. I needed to use a power drill to help with the bazillion screws that went into putting Bethany's platform bed together. He said that one battery was no good. Then he replied again with 'sorry'. I looked at that and felt irritated. So I replied with 'sorry for what? There's nothing to be sorry about!' But could I leave it at that? NNNOOOOOOOOooooo. I had to tell him this: 'You know the outlet in Bethany's room that needed replaced from day one...the one by her vanity? The one I reminded you about many times? Jordan replaced it. Now it works." He replied with, "I'm sorry for that too." Me: "why?" Him: "I should have done that." Me: "you were busy with your job...it happens. I was just letting you know that Jordan is helping."
*right there it sounds like I am NOT trying to make him feel guilty and I am letting him off the hook. But I'm not. I am messing with him. I have never been a game player but I am, in some sadistic way, enjoying this. And I don't care that this is going against the grain of who I am.
This last week was so busy! We took Bethany's room apart...took out the furniture, painted the walls a different color, removed the carpet and put in different carpet, then put her new furniture in a box together. TJ also got a new pedestal bed and mattress. I also had a fence to spray with preservative. Then I had cooking to do for the church's annual pig roast.
I haven't been to the church in a long time...about a year. Some of it has been because I was just so tired out from that crappy job that I had that after a week of that plus a Saturday spent catching up on house work, Sunday morning came and I just didn't want to move. Then when the shit hit the fan, I just didn't want to be around anyone. Today I went because I realized if I don't get out of the house soon, I may never leave. The 'news' about my divorce got around because not one person asked me how Troy is.
It was a good first move. I need to keep it up.
But this next week is full of things to do also. This last week caused my fibro to flare up in the worst way. I was in so much pain by Saturday I don't know how I moved. I used the cart in the grocery store as a walker. But when I was ready to crawl into bed I happened to remember the pain pills that doctor had given me a script for...and I found them in the medicine cabinet. I took 2 of them and passed out. I woke up 4 hours later with very little pain. Now I know how people can get addicted to them.
Onward and upward.
I did manage to send Troy a text that said something like this, "we both have let our thoughts and feelings be known. Now that is done. This is a new separate beginning for both of us. I don't care to dwell on the past anymore and feel bad and angry." He replied with, "ok. I can handle that" I am not doing it for him...I don't care if he can handle it. All I care about is that it helps ME. I am learning to care about ME. And that is not faking anything.
My ex-MIL got on at least one online dating site and it worked out for her. Although at one point she thought she was going to run off to Florida and marry this guy that supposedly had a great house on the beach. THAT didn't happen...we all had a fit and she saw it for what it REALLY was. But then, she ended up with a pretty terrific guy that really loves her and takes such great care of her!
I have signed up briefly on a half dozen online dating sites to see what it is like and what is out there. This I what I found: lots of fake profiles and I was inundated with contacts from what seemed to be guys that were not who they portrayed themselves to be and are actually foreigners. All they wanted was information about my email account or FB account. And I am pretty sure it had something to do with hacking into the computer or accounts or downloading key logger malware...something not good.
IF I decide someday to try hooking up with someone it is going to have to be someone that I meet through someone else or meet in person on my own. That online crap is just that to me...crap.
This last week was pretty good...after the email thing with the Ex...cuz I didn't hear anything out of him after I sent him MY email. No text, call or email. And with each day that passed without hearing from him I felt a little better. Then I had to send him a text to ask him a question about one of his power tools....the battery charging. I needed to use a power drill to help with the bazillion screws that went into putting Bethany's platform bed together. He said that one battery was no good. Then he replied again with 'sorry'. I looked at that and felt irritated. So I replied with 'sorry for what? There's nothing to be sorry about!' But could I leave it at that? NNNOOOOOOOOooooo. I had to tell him this: 'You know the outlet in Bethany's room that needed replaced from day one...the one by her vanity? The one I reminded you about many times? Jordan replaced it. Now it works." He replied with, "I'm sorry for that too." Me: "why?" Him: "I should have done that." Me: "you were busy with your job...it happens. I was just letting you know that Jordan is helping."
*right there it sounds like I am NOT trying to make him feel guilty and I am letting him off the hook. But I'm not. I am messing with him. I have never been a game player but I am, in some sadistic way, enjoying this. And I don't care that this is going against the grain of who I am.
This last week was so busy! We took Bethany's room apart...took out the furniture, painted the walls a different color, removed the carpet and put in different carpet, then put her new furniture in a box together. TJ also got a new pedestal bed and mattress. I also had a fence to spray with preservative. Then I had cooking to do for the church's annual pig roast.
I haven't been to the church in a long time...about a year. Some of it has been because I was just so tired out from that crappy job that I had that after a week of that plus a Saturday spent catching up on house work, Sunday morning came and I just didn't want to move. Then when the shit hit the fan, I just didn't want to be around anyone. Today I went because I realized if I don't get out of the house soon, I may never leave. The 'news' about my divorce got around because not one person asked me how Troy is.
It was a good first move. I need to keep it up.
But this next week is full of things to do also. This last week caused my fibro to flare up in the worst way. I was in so much pain by Saturday I don't know how I moved. I used the cart in the grocery store as a walker. But when I was ready to crawl into bed I happened to remember the pain pills that doctor had given me a script for...and I found them in the medicine cabinet. I took 2 of them and passed out. I woke up 4 hours later with very little pain. Now I know how people can get addicted to them.
Onward and upward.
I did manage to send Troy a text that said something like this, "we both have let our thoughts and feelings be known. Now that is done. This is a new separate beginning for both of us. I don't care to dwell on the past anymore and feel bad and angry." He replied with, "ok. I can handle that" I am not doing it for him...I don't care if he can handle it. All I care about is that it helps ME. I am learning to care about ME. And that is not faking anything.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
I Didn't Need It
This morning I was looking through pictures I saved on my computer and was clearing things out when, there it was. The last picture taken of me and Troy as a married couple. It was over Easter weekend this last April. It was the weekend that I really noticed Troy acting differently. It was the weekend he wanted to tell me he wanted a divorce but he chickened out.
I couldn't resist...I sent him a copy of it in his email and let him know it was the last couple photo of us. And while I meant it as a dig of some sort, what I got was my own fault. I asked for it.
He sent me back an email explaining to me why he asked for the divorce. He admitted to not giving me emotional support and bitching at me all the time. He admitted at not helping me further my schooling and helping me out in anyway so that I could do anything for myself career wise. He said that we both had different agendas and he never took the time to talk with me about anything.
But here was the kicker...the thing that set me off:
He said that we drifted far apart and neither one of us seemed interested in fixing it.
Neither one of us...
I replied to the email. I told him since he told me HIS thoughts about it all, I guess I had no reason to hold back my thoughts on the subject..after all, as he said somewhere in that email, it doesn't really matter anymore. I will spare anyone reading this as to what I told him.
Then, after I figured he had ample time to see it, I sent him a text and told him, since it didn't matter anymore, let us do each other a favor and no longer send emails hashing over the reason for our failed marriage. I am trying to move on.
I don't think I am trying TOO hard. I am still floundering. I am doing a lot of other things to keep myself busy and ignoring myself. It is what I have done for 25 years. I really need some help paying more attention to myself and doing what I need to move on.
I have to accept that I am the only one that will take care of me now. I realize now that what I did for years was insanity. I kept bending over backwards doing anything I could to make his life easy for him so that he MIGHT decide he actually likes me enough to want to spend any of his time with me.
I don't know how/why I got to be that way. Why would I do it for him? I never did it for anyone else. I don't ever want to allow myself to jump through hoops like that for anyone else again. I don't mind spreading myself thin and knocking myself out if someone really appreciates me and wants to spend time with me.
And he ends it with how much he still loves me and always will and he wants us to be friends and he will do whatever he can at anytime to help me if I need it.
He wants us to be friends. He STILL loves me. He never really LIKED me! We were never friends. At best, we are acquaintances that have 2 kids in common. We have the most dysfunctional marriage I have ever seen. I feel like the parents on "Everybody Loves Raymond". I would see the way older couples were portrayed on TV...insulting each other, etc. and wonder why they were even married..and here I was living a similar life.
I can move on...I can. I just need a shove in the right direction. But there is no one to do it. So many people have told me that I am a strong woman and smart and I can do it. Perhaps but I still feel like I need some help getting going and finding the direction I need to go. I helped Troy with that...I helped my kids with that...no one is helping ME with that.
I know what I WANT to do...so I need to do it. What AM I waiting for? A sign from above that says, "Go this way!" ?? I guess I am waiting for some reassurance from God of some sort. I didn't listen to Him before and I ended up in a 25 year 'marriage' that drained me and cut my self esteem to the quick.
I really don't want to talk with him. If it wasn't for the kids, the alimony...I could forget about him. I could.
I couldn't resist...I sent him a copy of it in his email and let him know it was the last couple photo of us. And while I meant it as a dig of some sort, what I got was my own fault. I asked for it.
He sent me back an email explaining to me why he asked for the divorce. He admitted to not giving me emotional support and bitching at me all the time. He admitted at not helping me further my schooling and helping me out in anyway so that I could do anything for myself career wise. He said that we both had different agendas and he never took the time to talk with me about anything.
But here was the kicker...the thing that set me off:
He said that we drifted far apart and neither one of us seemed interested in fixing it.
Neither one of us...
I replied to the email. I told him since he told me HIS thoughts about it all, I guess I had no reason to hold back my thoughts on the subject..after all, as he said somewhere in that email, it doesn't really matter anymore. I will spare anyone reading this as to what I told him.
Then, after I figured he had ample time to see it, I sent him a text and told him, since it didn't matter anymore, let us do each other a favor and no longer send emails hashing over the reason for our failed marriage. I am trying to move on.
I don't think I am trying TOO hard. I am still floundering. I am doing a lot of other things to keep myself busy and ignoring myself. It is what I have done for 25 years. I really need some help paying more attention to myself and doing what I need to move on.
I have to accept that I am the only one that will take care of me now. I realize now that what I did for years was insanity. I kept bending over backwards doing anything I could to make his life easy for him so that he MIGHT decide he actually likes me enough to want to spend any of his time with me.
I don't know how/why I got to be that way. Why would I do it for him? I never did it for anyone else. I don't ever want to allow myself to jump through hoops like that for anyone else again. I don't mind spreading myself thin and knocking myself out if someone really appreciates me and wants to spend time with me.
And he ends it with how much he still loves me and always will and he wants us to be friends and he will do whatever he can at anytime to help me if I need it.
He wants us to be friends. He STILL loves me. He never really LIKED me! We were never friends. At best, we are acquaintances that have 2 kids in common. We have the most dysfunctional marriage I have ever seen. I feel like the parents on "Everybody Loves Raymond". I would see the way older couples were portrayed on TV...insulting each other, etc. and wonder why they were even married..and here I was living a similar life.
I can move on...I can. I just need a shove in the right direction. But there is no one to do it. So many people have told me that I am a strong woman and smart and I can do it. Perhaps but I still feel like I need some help getting going and finding the direction I need to go. I helped Troy with that...I helped my kids with that...no one is helping ME with that.
I know what I WANT to do...so I need to do it. What AM I waiting for? A sign from above that says, "Go this way!" ?? I guess I am waiting for some reassurance from God of some sort. I didn't listen to Him before and I ended up in a 25 year 'marriage' that drained me and cut my self esteem to the quick.
I really don't want to talk with him. If it wasn't for the kids, the alimony...I could forget about him. I could.
Friday, October 17, 2014
And Now...
Spent a few days up north with my eldest sister and my parents. They kept me busy.
My sister's husband gave me a hand gun. I have no bullets for it and I need to take shooting lessons so for now it is a small club. I don't like the idea of ever shooting anyone and I hope I never have to do that. I don't mind hitting someone with my stun gun. Must hurt like a bitch but at least they have a much better chance of survival and I have a good chance of getting away and getting the police here.
I was actually pretty quiet the whole time I was there. I know they noticed. My mother hovered. I finally told her I am still trying to get my life in order mentally. I have to reorder a whole future. I have to figure out my next move.
In the meantime I am trying to get some things in order around the house. I have maintenance to do also.
I have enjoyed having a full table of people at least once a week. TJ, Bethany, Brittany, Jordan, Amy, Amber. They all joke and laugh and it gives a sort of happiness to the day...and a sort of sadness. I know it is dumb but I look at the other end of the table and wish there was a husband there to share it with. Troy actually did enjoy having the table full, too. Although I think the 'kids' talk and joke more without him there.
He called my cell phone Tuesday...the day after I got back home. I let it go to voice mail but he didn't leave one. Then he called right back...I let it go to VM...again he didn't leave one. Then he called again. I lunged for the phone because I thought it must be really important if he keeps calling and doesn't leave a VM. It wasn't. It was something he could have sent a text about. And THEN he asks me how my weekend was, how my parents are, etc. I sighed. I told him the weekend was fine, my parents are well...none committal. SERIOUSLY?
On my way to my sister's my son txtd me that he had nearly gotten into an accident on his way to his second job. A female took off at high speed into the intersection to make a left turn at the light and my son was halfway across. He slammed on the brakes...and I don't know why he would hit his brakes instead of hitting the accelerator. He said she stopped just short of hitting him. But he blew out a brake line. I was going to turn around and head back home...I was only about an hour out. He insisted he could get it to Grismer in the morning to get it fixed. I knew they would charge more than the mechanic but it takes a couple of days to get into Adam's and TJ needed his car for work over the weekend. If I had gone home we would have had another vehicle to work with and he could have waited. But I let him take care of it. And yes, Grismer charged twice as much as Adam. Troy said he would give TJ half of the money back. He can be a puzzlement. I am just glad he is feeling generous.
Bethany had sent me a txt the night before I left. She asked me if she could spend the night at Amber's. I looked at the text and kind of giggled. I texted her back and said, "you're 19 now. The proper way to put that is, if you don't need me for anything, I am spending the night at Amber's." She texted back and said, "ok. thank you for allowing me to be an adult." LOL
Jordan helped me today put some gutter guard on my gutters since I am afraid of heights. I need more and he is willing to help finish the job. TJ mowed most of the lawn. It is nice to have help.
I hope Troy finds it better to talk with those friends he wanted to get a divorce to party with instead of me.
And I have not taken up with counseling. I am allowing myself to settle. I am praying and arranging my life. I am okay with me the way I am right now. Not looking for a companion at this time. I figure if I can get my life going in a direction that I am comfortable with then someone will come along and I can ease myself into a relationship. Troy may start dating sooner than I do..but it is not a race. If he finds someone that can make him smile and want to spend time with more than his party friends that WOW! I really do not want him to be alone. Who wants to be alone? I would like to find someone that appreciates my independence and weird humor...my Lorelei Gilmore-ness. But I would like to find him further down the road. I have a lot of my own work to do.
My sister's husband gave me a hand gun. I have no bullets for it and I need to take shooting lessons so for now it is a small club. I don't like the idea of ever shooting anyone and I hope I never have to do that. I don't mind hitting someone with my stun gun. Must hurt like a bitch but at least they have a much better chance of survival and I have a good chance of getting away and getting the police here.
I was actually pretty quiet the whole time I was there. I know they noticed. My mother hovered. I finally told her I am still trying to get my life in order mentally. I have to reorder a whole future. I have to figure out my next move.
In the meantime I am trying to get some things in order around the house. I have maintenance to do also.
I have enjoyed having a full table of people at least once a week. TJ, Bethany, Brittany, Jordan, Amy, Amber. They all joke and laugh and it gives a sort of happiness to the day...and a sort of sadness. I know it is dumb but I look at the other end of the table and wish there was a husband there to share it with. Troy actually did enjoy having the table full, too. Although I think the 'kids' talk and joke more without him there.
He called my cell phone Tuesday...the day after I got back home. I let it go to voice mail but he didn't leave one. Then he called right back...I let it go to VM...again he didn't leave one. Then he called again. I lunged for the phone because I thought it must be really important if he keeps calling and doesn't leave a VM. It wasn't. It was something he could have sent a text about. And THEN he asks me how my weekend was, how my parents are, etc. I sighed. I told him the weekend was fine, my parents are well...none committal. SERIOUSLY?
On my way to my sister's my son txtd me that he had nearly gotten into an accident on his way to his second job. A female took off at high speed into the intersection to make a left turn at the light and my son was halfway across. He slammed on the brakes...and I don't know why he would hit his brakes instead of hitting the accelerator. He said she stopped just short of hitting him. But he blew out a brake line. I was going to turn around and head back home...I was only about an hour out. He insisted he could get it to Grismer in the morning to get it fixed. I knew they would charge more than the mechanic but it takes a couple of days to get into Adam's and TJ needed his car for work over the weekend. If I had gone home we would have had another vehicle to work with and he could have waited. But I let him take care of it. And yes, Grismer charged twice as much as Adam. Troy said he would give TJ half of the money back. He can be a puzzlement. I am just glad he is feeling generous.
Bethany had sent me a txt the night before I left. She asked me if she could spend the night at Amber's. I looked at the text and kind of giggled. I texted her back and said, "you're 19 now. The proper way to put that is, if you don't need me for anything, I am spending the night at Amber's." She texted back and said, "ok. thank you for allowing me to be an adult." LOL
Jordan helped me today put some gutter guard on my gutters since I am afraid of heights. I need more and he is willing to help finish the job. TJ mowed most of the lawn. It is nice to have help.
I hope Troy finds it better to talk with those friends he wanted to get a divorce to party with instead of me.
And I have not taken up with counseling. I am allowing myself to settle. I am praying and arranging my life. I am okay with me the way I am right now. Not looking for a companion at this time. I figure if I can get my life going in a direction that I am comfortable with then someone will come along and I can ease myself into a relationship. Troy may start dating sooner than I do..but it is not a race. If he finds someone that can make him smile and want to spend time with more than his party friends that WOW! I really do not want him to be alone. Who wants to be alone? I would like to find someone that appreciates my independence and weird humor...my Lorelei Gilmore-ness. But I would like to find him further down the road. I have a lot of my own work to do.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Taking Up Where You Left Off
So 'he' popped in at the house off and on a few times throughout the week. He stopped in Monday to have lunch with the kids (he called and asked first..and I was supposed to be included but I had already had lunch and was busy). Then he stopped in Tuesday, quickly, to leave his car here while he road with the other company guy to Cleveland and Columbus for the next couple of days. He was back on Thursday afternoon...the kids weren't here...and I had him go through cupboards and closets and pull out what was his and he was taking. I also pulled out lots of other things that he had forgotten about and told him he should take it. He was surprised. I am NOT a soul sucking bitch. He didn't say that but he, I guess, assumed that everything in the cupboards, etc. was just staying here. I told him if there was something that he wanted just mention it. If it was something I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of, we could talk about it and he could have a chance to convince me he needed it more. We really didn't have to go there.
He came back later that evening when TJ got off work at his second job to have dinner with him...he brought food. I let Bethany know that her dad was going to be here and at what time...she was out with Jordan. They got here at the same time he did.
Back to Monday...after they had lunch and TJ had taken off, Bethany was getting ready for work and I had a chance to have that face to face talk with Troy. I said, "you keep saying you love me, yet, it seems to me if you really loved me, a person would go to counseling to save the marriage instead of going for divorce." He just looked at me expressionless and said nothing. I said, "That right there says it all. Do NOT keep telling me you still love me...you don't. You MIGHT care about me to some small extent but you don't love me." We talked round and round in circles and I finally told him, "We are getting absolutely nowhere. You might as well leave." So, he did. He called me later to ask me something, and I don't remember what it was. Whatever it was I didn't care.
Troy drove here instead of taking the plane. He said the messed up his reservation and was being bumped so he decided to drive. It really made no sense since he got here by driving at about the same time he would have if he flew. WHATEVER!
The funny thing was he got time to spend talking with Jordan and getting to know him. I am not sure what the conversation was Thursday night as I spent that time out in the sunroom talking with my mom on the phone...she called to see how I was holding up. Whatever was said, Jordan had a view of Troy as borderline mental stability problems.
Friday morning I picked him up at his hotel and we stopped for coffee. I drove us to the lawyer's office, we went in together, read over the papers, signed and then we all walked down the street to the courthouse together. The lawyer told us that our divorce was a first for him...fastest and he had never had a divorcing couple show up for the divorce in the same car.
The judge signed the papers, we went to the bank and sorted out all of the financial things and I ended up with more than I thought I was going to end up with. He even gave me money to buy the preservative for the fence since I pointed out to him how I was going to have to put another layer on before the snow falls.
He came back and packed up his stuff..we all sat and ate a late lunch/early dinner before Bethany went to work. He fell asleep for a couple hours then put the boxes in his car and left.
Before he left, however, I got the total answer to why HE wanted a divorce.
During lunch he admitted that almost every Friday he would head over to James and Eddie's and start partying all night...and that would pretty much put him out for the weekend. He liked not having a relationship because he went home at night and it was quiet ( because I talked SO much).
So, it is all about this: his life was interrupted by 25 years of marriage and raising kids. Now he can take up where he left off when he was 24.
He says he wants us to remain friends and help each other out. He is being oh so sweet...more than he ever has. He said at least 3 times on Friday that he wasn't sure he was doing the right thing.
Here is how I see it...he has bought himself 4 guns since he moved to Kansas. I never allowed him to buy guns and have them in the house when we were married...mainly because of his temper and substance abuse history. Now he has 4 guns, parties every weekend (and I am not sure what all he is partying with) and he has a nasty temper. I can see a real problem coming to a head at some point. He knows if he gets into trouble or loses his job then he has nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He is wanting to keep me on a long rope...thinks he can play me.
He has done me the biggest favor anyone has every done for me. I know he is 'helping' me now however, that does not mean that I owe him salvation from his immature, reckless behavior.
My kids? Bethany asked me after he left if he is going through a mid-life crisis. I told her no, he is just being himself. TJ pondered whether or not his dad realizes he is NOT 24 anymore and how old he looks...so much older than the age he is. I told him that he has never let that stop him or get into the reality in his brain.
Even after all of that, I woke up Saturday morning thinking about that fact that I am NOT married anymore. It sort of feels weird since I have been "MRS" for 25 years and now I am just "MS". And in that way I feel broken. On the other hand, I was married in name...I was never really part of a couple since he never really did anything much with me. I have been alone for 25 years. I really do hope that I find another half...a REAL partner...someone that likes spending time with me and doing things with me. I am not talking about marriage again...I may get to that point but not in a hurry.
The other development...Jordan began texting me Friday night about his feelings for our daughter...and he went on and on. I finally asked him if he was smoking pizza (he works at Dominoes before he returns to college in November). He got my message and responded with, "yeah...I need to quit that." And he quit texting. LOL I like him but wow...
He came back later that evening when TJ got off work at his second job to have dinner with him...he brought food. I let Bethany know that her dad was going to be here and at what time...she was out with Jordan. They got here at the same time he did.
Back to Monday...after they had lunch and TJ had taken off, Bethany was getting ready for work and I had a chance to have that face to face talk with Troy. I said, "you keep saying you love me, yet, it seems to me if you really loved me, a person would go to counseling to save the marriage instead of going for divorce." He just looked at me expressionless and said nothing. I said, "That right there says it all. Do NOT keep telling me you still love me...you don't. You MIGHT care about me to some small extent but you don't love me." We talked round and round in circles and I finally told him, "We are getting absolutely nowhere. You might as well leave." So, he did. He called me later to ask me something, and I don't remember what it was. Whatever it was I didn't care.
Troy drove here instead of taking the plane. He said the messed up his reservation and was being bumped so he decided to drive. It really made no sense since he got here by driving at about the same time he would have if he flew. WHATEVER!
The funny thing was he got time to spend talking with Jordan and getting to know him. I am not sure what the conversation was Thursday night as I spent that time out in the sunroom talking with my mom on the phone...she called to see how I was holding up. Whatever was said, Jordan had a view of Troy as borderline mental stability problems.
Friday morning I picked him up at his hotel and we stopped for coffee. I drove us to the lawyer's office, we went in together, read over the papers, signed and then we all walked down the street to the courthouse together. The lawyer told us that our divorce was a first for him...fastest and he had never had a divorcing couple show up for the divorce in the same car.
The judge signed the papers, we went to the bank and sorted out all of the financial things and I ended up with more than I thought I was going to end up with. He even gave me money to buy the preservative for the fence since I pointed out to him how I was going to have to put another layer on before the snow falls.
He came back and packed up his stuff..we all sat and ate a late lunch/early dinner before Bethany went to work. He fell asleep for a couple hours then put the boxes in his car and left.
Before he left, however, I got the total answer to why HE wanted a divorce.
During lunch he admitted that almost every Friday he would head over to James and Eddie's and start partying all night...and that would pretty much put him out for the weekend. He liked not having a relationship because he went home at night and it was quiet ( because I talked SO much).
So, it is all about this: his life was interrupted by 25 years of marriage and raising kids. Now he can take up where he left off when he was 24.
He says he wants us to remain friends and help each other out. He is being oh so sweet...more than he ever has. He said at least 3 times on Friday that he wasn't sure he was doing the right thing.
Here is how I see it...he has bought himself 4 guns since he moved to Kansas. I never allowed him to buy guns and have them in the house when we were married...mainly because of his temper and substance abuse history. Now he has 4 guns, parties every weekend (and I am not sure what all he is partying with) and he has a nasty temper. I can see a real problem coming to a head at some point. He knows if he gets into trouble or loses his job then he has nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He is wanting to keep me on a long rope...thinks he can play me.
He has done me the biggest favor anyone has every done for me. I know he is 'helping' me now however, that does not mean that I owe him salvation from his immature, reckless behavior.
My kids? Bethany asked me after he left if he is going through a mid-life crisis. I told her no, he is just being himself. TJ pondered whether or not his dad realizes he is NOT 24 anymore and how old he looks...so much older than the age he is. I told him that he has never let that stop him or get into the reality in his brain.
Even after all of that, I woke up Saturday morning thinking about that fact that I am NOT married anymore. It sort of feels weird since I have been "MRS" for 25 years and now I am just "MS". And in that way I feel broken. On the other hand, I was married in name...I was never really part of a couple since he never really did anything much with me. I have been alone for 25 years. I really do hope that I find another half...a REAL partner...someone that likes spending time with me and doing things with me. I am not talking about marriage again...I may get to that point but not in a hurry.
The other development...Jordan began texting me Friday night about his feelings for our daughter...and he went on and on. I finally asked him if he was smoking pizza (he works at Dominoes before he returns to college in November). He got my message and responded with, "yeah...I need to quit that." And he quit texting. LOL I like him but wow...
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