Spread It Around

The one thing about being a Christian and asking God for prayers to be answered....if you don't want the answer, don't ask.  And if you ask you better be open to receive the answer.

I am also the kind of person that is more than willing to consider my part in a problem. 

So I asked God...prayed very meaningfully for some understanding.  I wanted to understand something about this divorce that would help me get through it, over it, around it....

He answered me.  Wasn't what I was expecting but...I got it!

I think it is because there was nobody/nothing in my way.  God was finally able to get through to me...after 53 years.  It was 'wow'. 

All these years I was so angry at Troy...he never new how to communicate with me.  But he HAD tried.  I wasn't listening to HIM. 

I can admit to it.  I made it difficult for him to communicate with me.  I am a good person and I can take care of everyone.  I was just not a good wife.  I have been, as they say, 'emotionally unavailable'.  I never really understood what that meant until when it came to defining my problem.

Troy bought me a t shirt once with Grumpy on the front and it said, "I don't do hugs".  pretty much sums it up.  Not cuz I don't like hugs...but I just did not display my emotions.  And my inability to express myself lead him to believe I was unapproving of him, did not love him, was not happy with him.

Also, once I became  mom, I changed my interaction with him...on a regular basis.  That right there should have told me I needed to get some counseling.

So, since I have already tanked one marriage and a various relationships, I have signed up for counseling so that I can move forward and possibly have a healthy, happy life from here on out.

Coming Out of the Woodwork

It's amazing that once ppl figured out I was going through a divorce how many others there are that I didn't know had gone through this.  They share their divorce stories and how they got through it.  Most of the stories about the ex-husband's actions sound pretty similar to my soon-to-be-ex.  There is still a lot of hurt and anger.  I am sure I will always carry that hurt and feeling of betrayal with me where he is concerned.  I can't just dismiss this with 'He is what he is'.  But I will move on.  I have no choice.  I refuse to let this end me or define the rest of my life.

I did, however, decide that the way he did this has shown a lack of respect...besides cowardliness.  And, as such, am giving myself a birthday present.  Instead of our son picking him up from the airport to go to his hotel...then going out to dinner with the kids, I am going to pick him up from the airport and take him back to his hotel room so we can have a face-to-face.  THEN he can go out to dinner with the kids.

Doing a divorce by phone and email is just not right.  Being told by your husband he wants a divorce by email is crap...then working it out over the phone and via email and txt is crap. 

I need some closure.  I shared my life with him for 25 years...he pulled me through drug abuse, abandonment, identity theft, bankruptcy and more moves than I care to count.  He owes me a face-to-face.  I promise not to do bodily harm.  There will not be wailing and gnashing of teeth. 

And perhaps afterwards I can find a way to move on.  God will guide me.  He has a new life waiting for me NOW.

0 to 60

82 days.  This divorce process took about the same amount of time as it took to throw my wedding together.  Actually, I think the wedding prep took longer.  Yeah...pretty sure wedding prep took longer.  Not by much, though. 

82 days from "I want a divorce" to officially signing the papers that unties the knot that was tied just a little over 25 years ago.

I have wasted a whole day going from crying to tired...to wanting to dive into a few bottles of wine...

I don't know why it is bothering me so much.  The change will be minimal.  This last year has been shit.  He left...hardly saw him...and hardly spoke.  A lot of the phone conversations were him yelling at me and lecturing me over money.  He never really asked how things were going at home...how anyone was doing...what was going on. 

Disengaged.

My future is wide open.  My son said I was unhappy and would not have done this myself because of "it's the devil you know" syndrome.  He's probably right.  I liked to think it was more because I didn't want to give up.  But he is probably more on track,

The lawyer had called today to tell me the court date.  I passed it on to 'him' and told him I really didn't want to communicate with him anymore today.  My mother's sage advice was, "go to the store and buy yourself some good ice cream...it really will help." 

I did her one better...I finished off a bottle of Chianti and opened a bottle of Malbec.  I think that will really make me feel better.

It is my daughter's 19th birthday today.  Our family is having a birthday dinner for her tomorrow night because she AND her brother will not be working and her bf will get off work in time for dinner.  Today her friends took her out for dinner.  This was good cuz I didn't want to poop on her birthday.

I need a really long sleep.  But first...I have a load of laundry to do and a family room and diningroom to sweep.

Tsunami

What do you do when the life you knew is all washed away in the blink of an eye? 

I know other people have been through worse.  But I always go back to the words of my son, "That's not my reality.  That is not what I am dealing with."

I am not making light of what others have been through.  But my son is correct...this is my life, this is my reality. 

There was a time when I was a teenager that I was at a pool party.  I didn't really go there to swim.  It was a short visit and I had somewhere else to be.  One guy thought it would be funny to drop me into the deep end of the pool.  I was screaming at him to NOT drop me in...clothes and all.  He laughed and dropped me.  I was wearing glasses at the time.  I immediately tried to swim to the surface but someone else pushed THAT guy into the pool and he fell on me...pushing me down to the bottom before I ever reached the surface.  Then someone else got pushed into the pool...and THEY fell on me...pushing me down again.  I lost my glasses...but someone jumped in and grabbed my shirt and pulled me to the side and pushed me to the surface.  I was gasping for air.  The person that helped me also went back down and found my glasses.  I got out and, once I got my lungs full, I started screaming and hitting the guy that dropped me into the pool in the first place.

This is how I feel.  Lost my job, husband told me he wanted a divorce, and my dad had a potentially life ending problem.  And I want to scream and beat someone. 

I have been trying to figure out why I am mostly focused in on the end of my marriage.  Why does it depress me so?  Am I depressed at wasting so much of my time and energy for 25 years on a crappy marriage?  Am I depressed because I was the definition of 'insane' and kept hanging on doing things over and over again and expecting things to change?

I have really thought about our relationship...especially HIM.  My son is pretty perceptive and comes up with some gems.  He said that his dad just never knew how to have a relationship.  My cousin told me this morning that Troy was all flash and talk...no real caring and substance. 

And they both are right.  The kids said that their dad just threw money at a situation and thought that fixed everything.  He never got that the part that I loved the most was any time we spent together.  It wasn't presents or things....just time he spent with me or the family...even just having family movie nights. 

And the way he yelled at me when I needed his sympathy and support.  I was there for him to help him up and out of messes.  And even worse...I would sit and figure out what I had done to cause him to do what he did.  I wasted so much time!  So much guilt I piled on myself over things that weren't my fault.

I also realized another thing...my mom was right.  I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  Everyone else around me is now telling me how much better off I am because...then fill in with all the descriptions of his flawed personality/cold, uncaring nature, etc.

Doesn't make me feel any better about knocking my head against the wall for the past 25 years...

Working Fast

It was quite the week.  I finished getting the old carpet up off the family room floor.  I made dinners for the kids to pull out of the fridge and microwave while I was gone.  AND I mowed the lawn before I left on Monday. 

Dad didn't go in for his procedure on Tuesday...the doctor's office dropped the ball.  So it was postponed for a day.  It was a long day on Wednesday.  There was  A LOT of clot to clear out.  They injected some kind of 'flush' into his artery when they finished Wednesday and Thursday morning they did the procedure again just to make sure it was all clear.  And they pronounced him clot free! 

Friday morning I was packing and going to follow my mom and older sister up to the hospital and leave for home from there.  Dad was getting out.  As I was getting ready I saw something in the mirror behind me.  So I turned around and watched.  I screamed and ran out of the room closing the door behind me.  There was a bat in the room.  The house has NEVER had a bat in it.  My mother was terrified and trying to think of someone to call to get the bat.  I told her to get me a broom and a garbage bag.  Then while she was on the phone with my oldest sister I snuck into the room with the broom and bag and closed the door behind me.  I whacked that thing 3 times.  The third time was the hardest...it fell on the bed...I had made the bed yet.  While it lay there stunned, I placed the  broom over it.  Boy those things are noisy!  Then I threw the covers over it so  I could get the screen out of the window.  Once I managed that and opened the window as wide as I could, I threw the covers back and lifted the broom.  As it took off in flight I hauled off and hit it towards the window.  But it grabbed the curtain rod and was going to hang upside down...until I hit it out the window.  It took off flying over the marsh at the bottom of the hill out beyond my parents' back yard. 

My mother was knocking on the door asking me if I was okay.  I opened it up and said, "You're welcome." 

I told her I was glad I was going home.  LOL

There is something about being in this house.  It sucks all the will out of me.  I have to force myself to do anything.  Tomorrow I am forcing myself to get outside and do some work in the yard.  My mom sent me home with 4 buckets full of perennials.  I just need to clear some ground and decide where I am going to put them.  I am going to start work on the backyard and see if I can get any closer to making it look the way I had wanted to when we first moved in here....6 years ago.

We have been in this town for 10 years now.  That is the longest span of time I have lived in any one place since I got out of college. 

I have painting to do too.  Inside AND out.

But before I get too busy with that, I need to get things straightened around with my unemployment and make sure to get signed up for subbing and get signed up for classes for my master's AND get Bethany signed up to return to college in November.

I need a plan...a list of what I need to do and when I need to do it.  Guess I'll get that done today.  I am being a lump today.  Other than the occasional load of laundry. 

I did have a discussion with the Almost-Ex Thursday evening.  He called about a text I had sent him.  I told him he didn't need to call and discuss it with me since it was just an FYI kind of text.  AND I told him that once this divorce is final I expect a good long spell of radio silence from him so that I can get used to the idea that I am no longer married and I am on my own...for real.  I also told him that I was not planning on being alone forever.  I have had enough alone.  I am not thinking I want to get married anytime real soon.  I just want someone I can go places with and spend some time with once in a while so that I don't feel lonely.  I am not sure how he took that...not sure he really gave it much thought.  There was a silence then a real quiet, "I understand."  DO YOU???  And yes, I have thought about the idea that he will find someone else to date, etc.  It has slowly been sinking into my brain. 

Not sure where I would find someone else.  Suppose he will be there when the time is right.  I may just decide to do my shopping at the Kroger store on Saturday nights, along with all the sad, lonely, divorced/single people.  LOL