Mixed Berries...or Buries

I do not know how I am supposed to feel.  There is such a range of emotions and I feel like I should pick one and go with that.  But I can't.

My marriage has been crap.  We've had good moments but not enough.  He has mostly made me feel stressed, angry, inferior, etc.  The one thing I have always had confidence in was me being a good mom.  Not sure I was a good wife. 

I should be happy we are getting this over with.  Yet, I am mostly going back and forth between anger and hurt.  Betrayal.  25 years hanging in there...supporting him emotionally...being pulled through his crap and helping him out of the mire anyway.  All the times I could have/should have bailed and ran, yet I stuck it out for the sake of trying to be a good partner and keeping my family together.  Was I doing it to be a good martyr?

Is there a part of me that kinda likes the idea that he was the one that pulled the trigger...and did it in the nastiest way possible so that I can wear that like a major victim?  Yet...it is rather embarrassing because it seems to reflect upon me..."how could you be married all those years to such an ass...and why did you stay?"  I have people look down on me for it.  And somedays I look down on me for it too.

I am anxious about seeing the lawyer.  Most everyone seems to think I will get things worked out to my advantage...but what happens if it isn't? 

Too many times having to pack up and move.  It has been great being able to be in the same place for the last 10 years...6 years of it in the same house...our house.  No rental.  And now that is all questionable.  I hate that he could be upending my life again.  I told him when we bought this house I wanted to grow old and die here..didn't want to ever have to move again. 

I guess I feel cheated.  Somehow.  Yet, I know that it really isn't that way.  I have a chance to start a new life, sort of.  There are parts that will come with me yet parts that will be all new.

And I feel like I'm staring at a blank canvas and get to make new decisions.  I guess I'm scared that I haven't learned anything in the last 25 years and I am doomed to repeat my mistakes.  I am scared of going out there and running into too many dishonest people/guys.  I just want honesty...no actors. 

And  yes, I will be looking just to find a companion.  I have been alone for so long.  Married but alone.  I want to find someone that will be happy to spend time with me and do things.  I want to finally LIVE my life. 

It is sad that I will have to live it with a different face in the picture.  Don't know why...