give me a sign

I am tired of thinking about it...feeling awful inside.

I want to move on...but there is so much ahead of me and I have to be strong to get through it.  I want to get to a good part in my life.  Finally. 

I need the next 25 years of my life to be better than the last 25. 

Why do I feel like such a loser?

Waiting for THE SUMMER

Last summer was crap and weird because that one I am legally joined to moved off to Wichita to start a new job.  I started working fulltime for the company I was at, things just changed and I thought, "It will be better next summer".  The summer before that, we had a nephew moving out of our lives, the one I am legally joined to lost his job and I changed jobs.  The one good part of the summer was I took a bus trip with my parents and sisters to Philadelphia, Washington DC and New York City. 

This summer is marred by me losing my job and that one I am, for now, legally joined to telling me he wants a divorce in an email. 

I met with the lawyer and it looks good for me...not too happy for monster spouse.  If I was a vindictive sort, he would be put in a much worse spot than I am going for.  The lawyer, wisely, said it is best to file and get the location staked out to my advantage then propose the dissolution monster spouse wants with MY terms...going in for more than I really want (what the courts would go for in a divorce) and negotiate my way down to where I want it and he feels like he got somewhere.  He will not be happy with it but he will realize (perhaps) that he got out better than he would have.  I think the lawyer must have been a car salesman in a previous life. 

So now, to work out some of my anger (or whatever it is I am really feeling in this tangled yarn ball of emotion) I am going to work on the letter I will be sending to monster-to-be-ex spouse:

Hey Mr. Waste-of-Flesh:

I have sent your name and location to various and many scientific labs for study.  I am sure they would love to figure out how something that looks human can function on a daily basis without a heart.

You are the reason I have nightmares at night about psychopaths.  I used to think you were just bipolar but given the events over the years I came to realize you are just an out right sociopath.  At least bipolar people have some feelings about others at some point.  You have none..thus you are a sociopath.

Even when you got on drugs and left us in a mess...again doing what you felt like doing without taking into account how it would affect us or what you would look like in the eyes of your kids...and you came back and asked for help...and even though I was angry and disliked you so much at that time...I cared about you and gave you the help you needed. 

Even over the years when you refused to take any interest in what any of us liked, wanted, did, etc. I hung in there trying to keep our family together.  Even when you bullied and yelled to get your own way...or belittled others when you didn't...I hung in there and prayed for you. 

It really is my fault for naively thinking you were a regular human being...and if you were shown kindness and love and caring that you would change.  But you can't.  You can't make changes to something that isn't there. 

I do not believe you were born this way.  I think too many years of hurt and abuse messed you up and I was too stupid to realize that the damage was irreparable.  The scar tissue has rendered you numb.  You are cruel and unappreciative.

You wanted to marry me.  That didn't make you happy.  You wanted kids...a boy and a girl.  You got that...it didn't make you feel happy.  You wanted your own home and dogs.  That didn't make you feel happy.  Now you think this job in another state and divorcing me is what MIGHT make you feel happy.  Don't count on it.

I know I will feel better without you.  Once I get used to NOT doing things a certain way that YOU want them done because I don't want to hear you yell it will be good.

So, Mr. Miserable-Excuse-for-a-Human-Being, I will no longer excuse your behavior because of your past treatment by others.  I did not treat you that way.  Your kids did not treat you that way.  I am only more than happy to hit your ass with the door on your way out.

And no...don't keep in touch.

signed:

The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

Mixed Berries...or Buries

I do not know how I am supposed to feel.  There is such a range of emotions and I feel like I should pick one and go with that.  But I can't.

My marriage has been crap.  We've had good moments but not enough.  He has mostly made me feel stressed, angry, inferior, etc.  The one thing I have always had confidence in was me being a good mom.  Not sure I was a good wife. 

I should be happy we are getting this over with.  Yet, I am mostly going back and forth between anger and hurt.  Betrayal.  25 years hanging in there...supporting him emotionally...being pulled through his crap and helping him out of the mire anyway.  All the times I could have/should have bailed and ran, yet I stuck it out for the sake of trying to be a good partner and keeping my family together.  Was I doing it to be a good martyr?

Is there a part of me that kinda likes the idea that he was the one that pulled the trigger...and did it in the nastiest way possible so that I can wear that like a major victim?  Yet...it is rather embarrassing because it seems to reflect upon me..."how could you be married all those years to such an ass...and why did you stay?"  I have people look down on me for it.  And somedays I look down on me for it too.

I am anxious about seeing the lawyer.  Most everyone seems to think I will get things worked out to my advantage...but what happens if it isn't? 

Too many times having to pack up and move.  It has been great being able to be in the same place for the last 10 years...6 years of it in the same house...our house.  No rental.  And now that is all questionable.  I hate that he could be upending my life again.  I told him when we bought this house I wanted to grow old and die here..didn't want to ever have to move again. 

I guess I feel cheated.  Somehow.  Yet, I know that it really isn't that way.  I have a chance to start a new life, sort of.  There are parts that will come with me yet parts that will be all new.

And I feel like I'm staring at a blank canvas and get to make new decisions.  I guess I'm scared that I haven't learned anything in the last 25 years and I am doomed to repeat my mistakes.  I am scared of going out there and running into too many dishonest people/guys.  I just want honesty...no actors. 

And  yes, I will be looking just to find a companion.  I have been alone for so long.  Married but alone.  I want to find someone that will be happy to spend time with me and do things.  I want to finally LIVE my life. 

It is sad that I will have to live it with a different face in the picture.  Don't know why...

Pumping Iron

The ironies of life.  Like one big sarcastic joke.  As if things weren't tough enough to deal with, life throws in an "oh BTW...screw you"

Don't get me wrong in any of this....the regular human in me has to vent.  My venting a skewed way of looking at life does not negate the fact that I still have absolute faith in God and His plan for my life...His timing...as long as I believe.  But as with anything, there is always something that can muck up everything.  God works things out for our best life but He also threw something in there, like 'free will'.  He says, "I have a big wonderful surprise for you OR you can choose to go with path #2 and make your own surprise."  Even at that, no matter what path you choose there are others that can make choices that will skew your results.

This is where Troy comes in.

I lost my job last Monday.  They decided not to keep me on after my probationary period.  Then the next Monday my spouse sends me an email telling me he wants a divorce. 

And now I am dealing with job search, divorce lawyer...

It isn't that I hadn't thought of calling it quits myself but the timing sucks.  Or not.  Just the idea that he asked me in an EMAIL and right after I lost my job.  I have many nicknames for him right now but I will not go there. 

He was going to file but I bought myself some time.  He is being very nice to me right now cuz he thinks we can do this real nice and I will agree to everything he proposes and get a nice, inexpensive dissolutionment without having to pay out money for lawyers. 

He knows I am job hunting and I told him I am taking inventory of what is in the house so we can decide on what to do about things.  As I said, I'm buying myself some time.  If he files then I have to go to Kansas.   If I file, he has to come HERE.   

I have my ideas as to what is ALL behind his deciding to do this NOW.  But the reasons will come out in the end.  Does it matter?  Anyway you look at it...he has drained me and dumped me.  And off he goes free...with a lot of money to spend and a new life.

I get a new life.  I will make it on my own.  And perhaps, a wee bit down the road I can find someone much easier to spend some time with...go places...enjoy things.

I was going to write more...but I need to get my mind somewhere else and take care of some things.

Depression Burrito

I have a friend that I have literally known since I was 3 years old.  My family and his family has known each other almost forever.  He is also a shirt-tail relative (3rd or 4th cousin).  We went to Sunday School and Church together...school together.  We were in marching band together.  I don't think I EVER saw him angry. 

He married a woman he met after college when he got a job working on a newspaper.  Their first child was a son born with encephalitis.  Ironically, it was after Burton (my friend) had done a story on the nearby corn processing plants (they lived in Illinois at the time) and the impact they had on human health.  One of the things he had found was a higher incidence of babies born with encephalitis. 

Burton and his wife moved from that area after that.  A few years later they had a healthy baby girl.  As for their son, Josh, the doctors had given him less than a year to live after he was born.  He lived to be 12.  Burton loved him greatly.  He would take him out for walks, read to him and play with him...as much as Josh would play.  Then one day, Josh just passed away. Quickly.  Then a year later, Burton's wife took their daughter and left...ran off with a childhood boyfriend whose wife had left him with 3 kids to raise.  Burton was devastated, understandably.  We kept in touch by email.  He told me that every year, the end of November, when it was Josh's birthday he went into a depression that he had to fight.  I told him, "Why try to fight it?  You know it's coming...prepare for it.  I get so tired of people saying that you need to get over it and fight it off.  I think that advice only makes it worse!  Wrap up in it like a burrito blanket.  Just let yourself be depressed for a few days.  Then you will get tired of being depressed...then throw it off and get back to life."  He reminds me every year of my advice and that he does just that. However, he says he finds his time in the depression blanket has lessened. 

He has since remarried to a wonderful woman with a great sense of humor and he is now a published children's author and having the time of his life!

He knows what I am going through now.  He knows how things have been with Troy all through my marriage and he knows and understands how hard I worked to keep my family together.  He prays for me..and I know he means it.  He truly is a great Christian...a great friend. 

I kinda feel a little sad but at the same time slightly relieved about something...my daughter is taking a semester off from college...at my suggestion.  And her brother got her a job at Foodtowne...where he works.  It is an easy going job and she is actually happy to be earning a paycheck but sad to be away from school for that semester.  He boyfriend Jordan has taken a year off from college to work and earn money to continue.  They will have time together.  I like the kid.  He is smart, motivated, and has the same weird sense of humor that we all have.  He is going to college for dietician technician.  Everything is a technician.  LOL 

Now I will not have to worry about my daughter's expenses anymore.  She can pay for her own cellphone...her gas...her license plates...her hair care...clothes...etc.  THANK YOU!

I will be doing a lot for myself this next week.  If God guides me through things, I will be okay.  I have been looking into a lot of programs and things and without Troy's income, I will actually be a lot better off.  I can get my master's degree and stand a better chance of teaching jobs...some at the college level.  I would be able to get grant money...not just loans. 

My retirement years may be not so great but I might be able to make up for those too.  However...one thing at a time. 

As for the thing about the depression burrito and my advice to Burton...I took my own advice.  I took a couple of days to wrap myself in that depression blanket and feel like crap.  Monster spouse made one pathetic attempt to call me on his way home from work Friday night.  I did not answer.  He has not made any more attempts.  I certainly am not.  I will talk to a lawyer and then HE can communicate with me through legal means.  I am done with the verbal abuse.  I don't deserve it and have no more reason to put up with it. 

My life is truly beginning again.

Making It Easier to Breathe

I finally got a call from His Highness on his way home from work today.  I am the reason for his headache.  He says there are other things going on.  He wouldn't elaborate.  BUT he WAS able to yell...about the house payments...the bank acct...getting rid of the dogs...the kids needing to support themselves...

Thank you sir...may I have another.

I was looking at Kansas divorce laws and Ohio divorce laws.  I think I would like to draw up dissolution papers first and see if he would go for it.  It would be quicker and cheaper.  Knowing he could be out from under 'obligations' and do this cheaply, he might go for it.

I have enough to deal with.  I have HAD enough to deal with. 

A lot of people have told me I should sell the house and downsize.  yes, but, I would either, A) have to rent..which is difficult with 3 dogs; or 2) try to get a loan to buy another house, even if it was smaller and less expensive.  It is easier to keep what I have already.  In time I will get rid of it.  I am not down for the count.  I will get other employment.  And if I end up having to farm out the dogs to other homes then I will deal with it.

I think Troy is using again.  Just didn't want to admit it out loud.  I don't believe in dump and run but I have had to pick him up and dust him off only to deal with his passive-aggressive bullying.  I am at a point where I just need peace and smiles.  I like sunshine and happiness.  He is the dark cloud of a tornado looming overhead. 

Let the Pieces Land....

They didn't wait 4 weeks.  They let me go yesterday.  At the end of the day.  I was packed and ready for them. 

I called the monster spouse on the way home to let him know.  I was upset, of course.  He wanted to know what the reason was they gave for letting me go.  Then he yelled, "to hell with 'em."  Without missing a beat he said, "you need to get the house fixed up and get it up for sale cuz I can't make those mortgage payments anymore."  Then he started in on the bank account.  I cut him off and said, "I JUST lost my job, I'm upset and driving in traffic.  I can't listen to this right now."  He said, 'yeah, well,I'll talk to you tomorrow." 

He didn't talk to me today.  Not a text, a buzz, a finger...I finally tried calling him...a few times.  He never answered the phone.  Didn't answer my texts.  I tried calling his house phone.  No answer.  The kids txted him...no answer.  FINALLY he texts me "just got up, have a headache, going back to bed" REALLY???  I lost my job, I'm upset, and that's what I get out of him.  ass. 

And those headaches....he tells me that almost everyday.  His excuse for not talking to me.  Or does he always have a headache.  IF he does he needs medical help...which I have told him.  Or, it is just an excuse.  I don't hear from him on the weekends...hung over or girlfriend or both?

I have job interviews.  We'll see how those go.  I have a bazillion applications to finish off and get sent in for lots of teaching openings and other various jobs for which I have experience.  Then I must start the job of finding a lawyer to get the divorce proceedings under way. 

I deserve some support.  Someone who actually gives a care about how I feel or what I am going through.  I don't deserve someone right away.  or maybe ever.  but I do deserve to not have to put up with him anymore.  I am sure he will be just as happy to be rid of me.