Mum's the Word

I love both of my kids. I am so proud of who they are as a person, in general. And, yes, I pat myself on the back for it because I took the time to be patient, listen, advise and slowly open the door and ween them off of the apron strings. I have taken criticism over the years for how I have done things with them. "my kids do this/that already...I can't believe you don't make them do this/that!" "do you still cut their food for them?" "You have to LET them grow up sometime!" You know what? I am a GOOD mom. I don't hover, I don't control...I let the rope out slowly. I know that doesn't sound right but it is kinda it. I don't have a rope on them really. All ppl are not the same. I want my kids to succeed and I am a big believer in the idea that the brain does not fully mature until 25. That does not mean that I want them to live with me until they are 25. With the anxiety issues they have had throughout their lives I could not see them going away to college and handling it. If either of them had CHOSEN to go away to college then I would have prepared them for it but neither of them was comfortable with it, yet. I think it is a good thing that they can go out into the world and then come back to a familiar comfortable place. I encourage them making their own decisions and they will ask me for my perspective on the situation. We will take time to talk through possible outcomes...goals...and then I walk away and let them decide what they want to do and how they want to get there. I do not push them in any direction...unless I can definitely see a crash up ahead. I will set out the warning lights. My daughter always takes the more cautious route. My son has had to be in a couple of crashes before he would start paying attention to the flashing caution lights. I am so proud of him though! I think about him in 7th grade, 8th grade, 9th grade, 11th grade...the panic attacks...his worries that he would never have a normal functioning life...his depressions...the terrible things he has been through at the hands of psychotic ppl...and now he has a 4.0 grade point average...working a part-time job...running around a wrestling show with a camera and editing pay-per-views...doing stand-up comedy at a local club about once a month...and has an amazing gf. She really is. She has anxiety issues too but she supports everything my son wants to do. Even if she doesn't like it herself (i.e...the wrestling). He thinks it is cool they can disagree about things and she says, "It's just a disagreement...we can work it out. Not worth breaking up over." He is used to the gf that disagrees with him then says, "I don't think we should be together." I kept telling him that if he was patient and had faith God would hook him up with the right girl. As for Bethany...she needs a job. One thing at a time. I am putting in for other jobs. The huge conglomerate that bought out the company that I worked for..well..let's just say I know what's coming and I knew it before I was hired. WHATever. Today...I am 53. No big. It is a wonderful day. Sunshine...perfect temperature...fall in the air...and I have an SUV full of mums waiting to be planted. Had Tim Horton pumpkin cappuccino and pumpkin nut muffin with Bethany, Amy and Amber while working out the October calendar of events to come. I also had a nice long heart-to-heart with my son last night. It is a good day. I am going to enjoy every ray of sunshine.

Inadequate

I felt a panic attack coming on...seemingly out of nowhere. I was cleaning and taking stock of what I still needed to do around the house. Then I started feeling overwhelmed..then depressed because I am just not doing enough. I could handle things around here and get things done when I was here...not working outside the house. I don't know how other ppl do it! They work and get things done around their house...they go places and do things. I feel like a plop...a failure. I get frustrated with so much. I have a bachelors degree...lots of different and various kinds of work experience. I am good at listening to people and figuring out what is needed. Yet...I can get nowhere. I know God has His timing and He is working things out for me. Patience has never been anything I've been good with. I have faith...but if I let myself think too much it all seems overwhelming to me..then I get anxious...depressed. Then I just feel like a failure. I expect a lot out of myself...and the pressure I put on myself is overwhelming. My cousin Pamela is an accountant. No college...tech high school. Worked her way up. Her first marriage was a guy who went to law school. She hung on to him and helped him through high school to overcome his drinking problem...supported him through college...then when he passed the bar and got a job, he boinked his secretary and got her pregnant. She waited a long time to get married again. The husband she has now has a decent job as a mechanic and they have a group of friends they ride motorcycles with almost every weekend. They are happy. I want happy. A real partner.

Exercise Your Options

I don't know if this girl my son is dating is "the One" but they are both young. She has some growing up to do. I'm glad that he is not letting himself be jerked around like he used to do. I started using the elliptical again. Just a bit each day at first. But I'll get there. I used it yesterday before I made dinner for later..then went off to the outlet mall with my daughter and her friends so she could do some shopping with her bday money from me and her father. Yeah...you read that right. He transferred some money for me to give her. wow. Anyway...my hips got to hurting as I was walking from store to store. I blame it mostly on my shoes. They need better insoles. I made dinner ahead of time for two reasons: 1) so TJ could have something to eat before he went off to his internship/cameraman non-paying gig for the night; 2) I knew I would be too tired to want to cook when we got home. I made chicken and broccoli fettucini alfredo and had some fresh baked Italian bread. We got home, the girls set the table while I reheated it. We sat down to eat and joke. They all kept calling me "mom" and Amber said, "wouldn't that be cool if your really were our mom?" I just said, "not sure your moms would think it so cool...but thanks." TJ seems to like going and doing a comedy routine at the local comedy club on open mic night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAx0ILEtqxU Bethany and I are planning on signing up for the Saturday morning TurboKick classes and Tuesday night beginners Yoga. Maybe that will help me get rid of some of me. Glad she suggested doing this together. Spend time with her while I can.

DNA

For all the books I've read about human nature and why people act the way they do...I still do not understand. Well, I do...but I don't. I understand there are lots of mental differences and it is shaped by DNA and outside influences. I am finding that DNA makes even more of a difference than outside influences. Wish I knew then what I know now. It's kinda like you can do everything just right as far as what you eat and exercise but if cancer is in your DNA, guess what... I am a good person...I treat everyone the same...in the beginning. Until I find the true person. Then I make up my mind as to how much time and effort a 'relationship' will get...full time...sometime...casual...cut off. I think this relationship with my husband needs to be cut off. I blamed myself for too many years thinking I was just terrible at relationships. I thought it was true that I was a bad wife. But now that I have the time to sit and think about EVERYTHING I realize he is just so WRONG. Where he made his major mistake was...when I lost my job at the kindergarten (long story and I was SO glad to leave!) and he met me in the garage as I arrived home...and then gave me this long, loud lecture about how disappointed he was in me. I "didn't try" 3 months later he was fired from his job. Did I do that to him? I could have (and don't think I didn't give it a few seconds consideration)...but that is not who I am. I hugged him, told him it would be okay...I was here for him...we would get through it together. For a few months he was this nice, generous person...helpful at home and with volunteer work at church. Then he got another job and it was like 180. I quit. I resent him for it. I am not a quitter but I actually have come to realize how much I like me and I like me enough NOT to subject myself to him and THIS for the rest of my life.

The Voice

I have a new thing I need to do now...everytime I go to the store and buy something, I have to scan the receipt and send it via email to the guy to whom I am legally stuck. I am sick and tired of him calling me up and questioning why I spent what I did at the grocery store. He hangs up on me when I stick up for myself and let him know what an ass he's being. This is NOT going to last much longer. I am NOT going to spend one day of my life in Wichita with him. He has done so many destructive things to himself and his family...but don't bring it up cuz we are supposed to get over it and pretend it never happened. He has put me down, demeaned me and never sees anything wrong with himself. It is ALL me...or someone else. I made it through work today. The customers no longer get to me. The 'stories' they tell me about their lives now make me roll my eyes into the back of my head. That by no means makes me a bad person. They are just overly dramatic and lay it on too thick to be believable. "I was out of town for the last month cuz my uncle died and my brother was in a car wreck then my appendicts burst and now I find this letter that says my electricity is going to be disconnected tomorrow for nonpayment. Can I get an extension?" No...there is NOTHING you can do except pay the freaking bill!!! of course, I put it a whole lot nicer than that. And I use a very nice voice to do it with. My daughter was laughing at me when I demonstrated 'the voice' to her. The problem with 'the voice' sometimes is that guys actually flirt with me on the phone. REALLY? You can't pay your bill, or can't scrape up the deposit money on a one bedroom apartment but you are trying to pick up some chick on the phone that you can't even see. yuk. 'the voice' does keep the mean ppl from really being mean. They hear the soothing voice and they instantly calm down. Really. it happens. Anyway, I made it through today and left work feeling pretty good! Opened the windows, opened the moonroof, turned on the IPod and was playing ELO and Foo Fighters...moving along real good! Stopped at the local grocery to buy some sushi, ice cream, apple ale and great lakes oktoberfest beer. Heading out to the car looking forward to dinner with the kids when the cellphone rang and right away I started hearing 'the lecture' on how to manage money. blah blah blah. When I told him I didn't need to keep hearing the lecture, he told me it was ME that started it and kept it going. He hung up on me when I pointed out it was he who called me and started lecturing ME. When I got home I sent him a text, "I bought ice cream, beer and rented a movie...none of which was necessary" Of course it was like poking the angry dog behind the fence. I am praying for a miracle just so I can put this pathetic excuse for a marriage out of its misery...and mine. Our kids have not called him or texted him since he was home last. They don't want to cuz they know if they do he will turn anything they say into a negative and a lecture. sad. even sadder...he hasn't called or texted either one of them.