Whew...I have literally been through every emotion today that I can go through.
Frankly...I am ready to quit. I just wanted a quiet Christmas. I don't ask for much really. I can be pretty easy to please.
The water filter in the basement is cracked and leaking. I have tried patching it. I even tried the tape that you are supposed to be able to use in place of the bottom of a boat...supposed to adhere even when wet. They lie. I tried an epoxy patch...too much water pressure...blew it right off. I have one more patch to try. I know I will have to replace the water filter. That is a whole day piece of work. And it is something I have to do all by myself...again. Cutting pipe. Replacing pipe. And I want to walk away.
I am tired. Feel like I am always running behind. Overwhelmed.
Dingus told our son that he was going to stop here around midnight on Christmas and drop Max off at the front door...even if I don't want to see him (Dingus...not Max). I would kind of like to see Max but it is kind of not fair to Max. He gets depressed. It would confuse him. And I would have to go through heart ache again.
It really angered me too that he felt he was just going to do what he wanted...no thoughts of whether or not I have plans...have any thoughts or feelings about it. So I texted him and basically told him that he no longer can just make me rearrange my life for him. He needs to have some consideration and realized that other ppl have lives and he should have been respcctful enough to ask. All I got was, "I was going to ask you." When you knocked on my door at midnight on Christmas night? That does not work for me.
He change his plans on the kids. While for TJ it just happened to work out but for Bethany...she had to ask for the day off. And he changed his plans. Typical. Her feelings about her dad are already on thin ice. He has this new live in and I know what Bethany is thinking. She already said, Wow! You would think it would be important to him to spend some time with his kids!
I have been gathering up EVERYTHING around this house that belongs to him or has any attachment to him and putting it in a box. I am having Bethany give it all to him. I am purging my house of anything that has to do with him.
I am not upset that he is gone...moved on. I am just wondering why everyone else has someone in their life and moving on when I am still here...struggling on my own. Why. I have taken good care of everyone to the point of sacrificing my needs and wants. Why. Why does he get to move on and have someone in his life when I am here alone...struggling with wiring problems and plumbing problems. Why does he feel that I do not deserve respect?
My daughter has one foot out the door. I have a feeling that on Dec. 27th, when she has a day off, she will be packing up her stuff and moving it all back to Jordan's. And here I will be.
She has moved on. My son has moved on. And Doofus has moved on. I raised my kids to move on.
And I have a cracked water filter and a wiring problem in the light switches in the hallway. A job that drains me every day...and I have to put in 10-12 hours days sometimes.
Two of our 8th graders died Wednesday. Died. One with terminal cancer and one was a hunting accident. And I just can't take one more thing. I need someone to curl up with and put his arms around me and tell me that I don't have to do it alone.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
It's a New Day
So far...I feel how I feel. That feeling is over. I went through the jumble of emotional swamp and now...it has been replaced.
It is hard to describe. I came to the realization that I have been keeping myself from doing what I need to do for myself and moving forward because I have been stuck. He was always there in my head and he would remind me he was still there. I would hear the narrative. I could not believe anything good about myself.
Then it slowly occurred to me. Like one of those spiral light bulbs that gets slowly brighter the longer it is on...he is GONE. I mean...really gone. He has someone in his life and he no longer NEEDS me to make him feel better. He no longer turns to me for his support system. Christmas will come and go and he will not be here to judge me and the house...leave with a pile of negative comments. I...am....FREE!
This feeling is like having back pain every day. You get used to having to move a certain way, and you steel yourself for the pain you are going to feel as you get out of bed or try to do certain activities. Then, one day...it is suddenly gone. You keep testing yourself because you are not really believing it is gone.
Yes, I realize I just compared him to a constant pain. It fits. But it is as if someone lifted a boulder off my chest. I can breathe freely. I started exercising again because I actually WANTED to! Go figure. I feel good!
Now that the main source of my anxiety is gone, perhaps I will find myself not sitting in the chair in front of the TV so much feeling immobile.
While there still is a bit of his judgment in the back of my brain still...I realize that I am in a place in my life, right now, that I am comfortable with. I do not have a need, at this time, to have someone new in my life. I am busy with my job and doing things around the house that need doing. And if I get a moment of my own, I have many books I want to read. There is the exercise that I will be doing daily. Hopefully I will reap many benefits from that...beside weight loss. It always makes my lower back feel better...it only takes one day of exercise to obtain that. It was great to wake up this morning without the pain and not walk funny for the first few minutes after I get out of bed.
And the eye doctor gave me some contacts to wear so that I can just wear reading glasses at the computer. I have not worn contacts in way over a year. I have seldom worn them in the last few years because they just were not comfortable and the level of clear sight I got from them was disappointing. But my older sister and my daughter were both raving about these accuvue oasis contacts so I am trying them now and I can see why they like them. I can see! No more wearing those glasses all the time! That also makes me feel better about my looks. In fact, I looked in the mirror and realized the only thing I am not liking so much about what I see is that I am overweight. And I am working on that. It may take me a while but I am feeling better so hopefully the exercise thing will continue.
It is hard to describe. I came to the realization that I have been keeping myself from doing what I need to do for myself and moving forward because I have been stuck. He was always there in my head and he would remind me he was still there. I would hear the narrative. I could not believe anything good about myself.
Then it slowly occurred to me. Like one of those spiral light bulbs that gets slowly brighter the longer it is on...he is GONE. I mean...really gone. He has someone in his life and he no longer NEEDS me to make him feel better. He no longer turns to me for his support system. Christmas will come and go and he will not be here to judge me and the house...leave with a pile of negative comments. I...am....FREE!
This feeling is like having back pain every day. You get used to having to move a certain way, and you steel yourself for the pain you are going to feel as you get out of bed or try to do certain activities. Then, one day...it is suddenly gone. You keep testing yourself because you are not really believing it is gone.
Yes, I realize I just compared him to a constant pain. It fits. But it is as if someone lifted a boulder off my chest. I can breathe freely. I started exercising again because I actually WANTED to! Go figure. I feel good!
Now that the main source of my anxiety is gone, perhaps I will find myself not sitting in the chair in front of the TV so much feeling immobile.
While there still is a bit of his judgment in the back of my brain still...I realize that I am in a place in my life, right now, that I am comfortable with. I do not have a need, at this time, to have someone new in my life. I am busy with my job and doing things around the house that need doing. And if I get a moment of my own, I have many books I want to read. There is the exercise that I will be doing daily. Hopefully I will reap many benefits from that...beside weight loss. It always makes my lower back feel better...it only takes one day of exercise to obtain that. It was great to wake up this morning without the pain and not walk funny for the first few minutes after I get out of bed.
And the eye doctor gave me some contacts to wear so that I can just wear reading glasses at the computer. I have not worn contacts in way over a year. I have seldom worn them in the last few years because they just were not comfortable and the level of clear sight I got from them was disappointing. But my older sister and my daughter were both raving about these accuvue oasis contacts so I am trying them now and I can see why they like them. I can see! No more wearing those glasses all the time! That also makes me feel better about my looks. In fact, I looked in the mirror and realized the only thing I am not liking so much about what I see is that I am overweight. And I am working on that. It may take me a while but I am feeling better so hopefully the exercise thing will continue.
Monday, November 13, 2017
I Feel How I Feel
I have been there for my kids. Always. Put my feelings and personal comfort aside for them.
I am having a melt down. and it has to do with my ex. And it isn't because he is dating. It is NOT the dating. It is the stuff that came out of it. The last thing I told him is I really do hope, for his sake, that it works out well however, if, heaven forbid, it comes to an end, do NOT call me anymore because I am sick and tired of him calling me when HE needed someone but he won't tell me he is dating someone now? If he can't tell me that but will only call ME when HE needs someone then he can go f*** himself because it shows that he is not talking to me cuz he does consider me a friend...he is talking to me because HE is lonely but I really mean nothing to him. Nothing. No respect for me. He got mad but...I really don't give a crap. This is MY life and he no reason to be in it. It has always baffled me how he could decide he doesn't want me in his life...so he divorces me...YET he will call me and text me and email me to tell me about his life cuz..."I still love you and want us to be friends." What a maroon. It is NOT the dating...it his total lack of respect. He will never get it.
And my kids lied to me about it. They said, "he told us not to tell you." And they didn't tell me BUT when I asked them point blank if he was dating...because he was silent and I was pretty sure that meant he is dating...they lied. for him. I told them that lying is lying and seriously, considering everything...how he treated them...and how I was always there for them...always...still am...lying should have never happened no matter what. And THAT is why I hurt.
But no one understands why I am so upset. And I am not going to try and explain it anymore to anyone because it is based on how I am perceived and treated by all.
And you know what....
I am so damned tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD feel or why I SHOULDN'T feel what I am feeling. THESE ARE MY FEELINGS FOR MY OWN REASONS! WHEN DO I GET TO BE SELF CENTERED??? WHEN DO I GET TO JUST ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN FEELINGS?
Now. I am doing that now. I am just tired of worrying about my son and his weekly arguments with his wife and divorce talks. I am tired of worrying about my daughter and her anxiety and confusion about what she is going to do and where she is going to do it. I have a job I have to do and set my emotions aside for that. I am going to allow myself to feel disrespected and hurt. Cuz...it is MY life, MY feelings and I am going to acknowledge myself. Obviously no one else is.
I am having a melt down. and it has to do with my ex. And it isn't because he is dating. It is NOT the dating. It is the stuff that came out of it. The last thing I told him is I really do hope, for his sake, that it works out well however, if, heaven forbid, it comes to an end, do NOT call me anymore because I am sick and tired of him calling me when HE needed someone but he won't tell me he is dating someone now? If he can't tell me that but will only call ME when HE needs someone then he can go f*** himself because it shows that he is not talking to me cuz he does consider me a friend...he is talking to me because HE is lonely but I really mean nothing to him. Nothing. No respect for me. He got mad but...I really don't give a crap. This is MY life and he no reason to be in it. It has always baffled me how he could decide he doesn't want me in his life...so he divorces me...YET he will call me and text me and email me to tell me about his life cuz..."I still love you and want us to be friends." What a maroon. It is NOT the dating...it his total lack of respect. He will never get it.
And my kids lied to me about it. They said, "he told us not to tell you." And they didn't tell me BUT when I asked them point blank if he was dating...because he was silent and I was pretty sure that meant he is dating...they lied. for him. I told them that lying is lying and seriously, considering everything...how he treated them...and how I was always there for them...always...still am...lying should have never happened no matter what. And THAT is why I hurt.
But no one understands why I am so upset. And I am not going to try and explain it anymore to anyone because it is based on how I am perceived and treated by all.
And you know what....
I am so damned tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD feel or why I SHOULDN'T feel what I am feeling. THESE ARE MY FEELINGS FOR MY OWN REASONS! WHEN DO I GET TO BE SELF CENTERED??? WHEN DO I GET TO JUST ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN FEELINGS?
Now. I am doing that now. I am just tired of worrying about my son and his weekly arguments with his wife and divorce talks. I am tired of worrying about my daughter and her anxiety and confusion about what she is going to do and where she is going to do it. I have a job I have to do and set my emotions aside for that. I am going to allow myself to feel disrespected and hurt. Cuz...it is MY life, MY feelings and I am going to acknowledge myself. Obviously no one else is.
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