Never Had One Lesson

I started the Shape diet.  I am worried because the doctor took the urine sample and told me that it showed I was already in Ketosis.  So he said it is my hormones...out of balance.  He gave me the drops, sent me home with my diet and the first week worked pretty well.  I lost 1 1/2 pounds to 1 pound a day. THEN  a couple of things happened...2 days later I was notified by my boss that someone messed up on the test sites and it had to be changed last minute (Ohio State EOY testing).  And in changing sites they were going to need more help and she was reaching out to the 3 of us that were the closest.  They got extra help for the last 2 weeks but the first 2 weeks they needed someone.  I told her if they sprung for a hotel room near the test site I would go down the first week.  They jumped on it.  REALLY?  Okay...so it was really only 3 days there.  I asked for the hotel room because it was an hour and half drive from my place to the test site WITHOUT traffic.

Then, because they were struggling with getting someone for the second week, I asked my son if they would be able to set the bed up in the guest room and let me stay 3 nights with them.  They decided they could do that.  So I notified my boss I could do the second week.  So...yay.

I ended up not following the diet exactly...went off it a little.  Came home and I had gained back a few pounds.  So, now, this morning I am back to where I was last weekend...before the first week helping with testing.  Since I am staying with my son and DIL, I am going to be able to stick to it better.

Also, in that first week of diet, my daughter got her two bottom wisdom teeth out.  That was a Thursday evening and when I left Sunday night, she was doing okay.  BUT she went to work at her new job Monday all day and was in a lot of pain...turns out she had dry socket.  She couldn't get in to see the dentist until Tuesday morning and her new employer gave her that day off.  Once the dentist cleaned it and packed it she was fine.  It is still healing but it is almost all closed.

The garbage disposal broke.  I ordered a new one and was hoping to put it in this weekend but it has not worked out that way.  It has to wait until next weekend.  I have too much to do to be ready to leave tomorrow, again, for the week.    I have to mow the lawn. The weather was not cooperative yestereday.  I also have a homework assignment to finish and laundry to do.

I am finishing week 4 of my class and beginning week 5.  Week 7 of my class runs through our school spring break.  Since week 6 and 7 are lighter with homework, I am going to try and do it all at once so that I have my spring break week.  I have yardwork to do then I am going to visit with my parents for a few days.

I will tell you, though, through all of this...my kids are my heroes.
My son has shown me how to really show someone you love them and adore them even when there is conflict.  My daughter has overcome her anxieties and learned to stand up for herself and go after new goals...even in pain.  They are both so much more together than I was at their age...maybe even at my age.

One thing I have had to give up to do this diet that just about kills me...is my nightly drink.  One drink, most nights (5 out of 7).  It was my one little thing I did for myself.  It might have been a mojito, a glass of wine, or some other mixed drink.  But...nope.  None.

Oh...and because of the test thing being thrown into my life, I had to miss my second Writers Group meeting.   I WILL not miss the 3rd one.  This is something else I am doing for myself.

Anyway...life moves too fast.

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

That has been my week.  Then I realized that...this is his hobby.  He will say something that will just hit me sideways...something insulting.  I will play right into it...blow up like an over filled water balloon then he will say that I over react and take it all wrong.  Leave me looking like the crazy loon.  I told him we can fix that...quit talking to me. I am not his friend.

I have been ornery and short tempered all week anyway.  I am not really sure why.  I had a GREAT day last Friday...the 10th.  I had all kinds of compliments coming at me and gratitude from parents and teachers.  It was just a most wonderful day!  But...I have been ill tempered every other day since.
It is so feckin difficult for me to believe that I deserve it.  That I really did anything good enough.

I am working on telling myself over and over that I deserve it...and believing it.

Monday I start a new physician monitored diet/exercise program.  I have a couple of friends that have done it.  The first one has been quite over weight for all the time I have known her...about 13 years or so. She has tried a lot of things and nothing worked for her until she did this.  She has been at it a year and is now a toothpick.  The second one started about 6 weeks ago and has lost over 20 lbs.  If this does not work for me, I quit.

Tonight my daughter went out with her friends to celebrate her last day at the local grocery store.  She will be training for her Pharm Tech certification and working.  Yes, she is still attending college for psychology but it will take her another 3 yrs and she wants something that will give her a decent wage in the meantime.

I volunteered to drop them off at the local pub and pick them up when they were done.  Amy and Amber were not highly liquored but my daughter was skunked.  I asked Amy if she had had more than 3 drinks.  She said, Oh yes...more than 3.

A girl her size is buzzed pretty good on 2 drinks.  3 is drunk.  I had to pull over so that she could barf out the door.  It was deja vu of the nights out with my older sister and her friends when I was the DD, holding on to the tail of my older sister's coat while she leaned out the door.

Had to help my daughter into the house, made up the futon in her 'office' for her to collapse on...since it is close to the bathroom.  I gave her water and excedrin and helped her change into a night shirt.  Then I had to take her friend Amy home.  Amber had been dropped off first then we did the pull over so Bethany could empty her stomach.

She has never had more than 2 drinks.  This was a first.  Knowing Bethany, it will more than likely be her last.  I think TJ had 2 times where he got really nasty drunk.

At least they learn.

I found out, after talking to one of the teachers at the online school I work for that since I am working on my Intervention Specialist certification, I can negotiate a much better salary with the school since they are desperate for ISes.  They may even hire me for that before I finish.  That would be sweet.  Keep my at home job and get paid more.  I could then have extra money.  Or at least get out of debt quicker.  I would be able to afford a better house when it comes time to sell this one and buy another.

Life will work its way out.  It is getting better.  I do not know where I will land a year from now.  I cannot even begin to know that or figure it out now.  Just hang on for hte ride.

The Bottomless Alone

I don't do alone very well.  I know God is there and I cling to it.  But I need that human contact. 

I learned to cut relationships short because I was not feeling a solid foundation and I wanted to feel like it was my choice.  And if it was my choice, then it would not hurt.

I did not want pets. You love them...then they die and it causes you pain.

I know pain is unavoidable.  It is not the pain that scares me.  It is what the pain does to my mental state.

My dad's mom had extreme anxiety.  Extreme.  She masked it with a mean streak that ran deep and long.  I had a sneaking suspicion my grandfather got around and she was well aware of it.  Her life was never on solid ground.  Her mother was a staunch Christian and my grandmother chose to turn her back on it and lead a corrupt life with my grandfather...and he betrayed her. 

My dad's grandmother would take him to church with her.  That is why he is sort of different than his 2 siblings. 

My mother's siblings have anxiety induced paranoia in their older years.  I watch my mother for signs of it and she is afraid of being that way.

So I come by mental imbalance honestly. Being alone makes me feel like I am constantly struggling to hang on to a window ledge. I also struggle with the idea that I had/have something that I should have done or should be doing and I am squandering my life. 

I am thankful for what I have.  And I should not whine.  But I don't do alone very well.  It is not pretty.  And I disappoint myself.

I keep telling myself it will change.  I hope it changes for the better because it could be worse.