How does one TAKE care? Is it impolite just to TAKE it? Is it laying out in the open and you snatch it when no one is looking? I am not sure I would know 'care' if I saw it, therefore, I do not know what I should be taking...
Okay. Those 2 words just started bothering me. It doesn't sound right.
I spent 4 days 'back home'. I took the last 3 days of the floating vacation I had from last Jan.-June that I had not used and shut it down. Well...I did not shut it down totally. My work email pops up on my phone and Thursday and Friday I got quite a bit. Ppl did not know I was on vacation and I was not allowed to put an auto reply on it BECAUSE I was not supposed to be on vacation. I had vacay days left over because there was a screw up...a happy screw up. Normally, the floating vacations should have been used up before August. I had saved a week to use in July. Then the beginning of June they announced that we were going to be given 3 out of 4 weeks off in July with pay. But we HAD to work one week in July. No problem except I had a week of vacay and nowhere to put it. Heidi told use we could sprinkle it throughout the fall BUT we could not show it on our time sheets and we could not put a notice on our answering machine or in our email. So...I got lots of emails with coworkers asking me things that I could not leave them hanging about. Cuz...I couldn't.
ANYWAY, I had a good time. It seemed relaxing. My daughter and her boyfriend were there Thursday and part of Friday. My son and his fiancee were there Friday-Sunday. Thursday my parents, Bethany, Jordan and I went out to the Pymatuning Lake park, which is just across the PA line. It has a fish hatchery and the large mouth bass are so plentiful, the mallard ducks walk on them.
The scenery is beautiful. We spent the large part of the day driving through the countryside and we stopped at an Amish store. Ended the excursion at the Covered Bridge pizza parlor (it really is made out of an old covered bridge). The next morning, TJ, Bethany, Jordan and I went to a new coffee house that had opened. It IS a house. And old one that no one wanted to buy because it is supposedly haunted. So a church bought it and turned it into a coffee house from which they use the profits to stock their free food pantry. The coffee was strong enough to fuel your motor for a week. I like my coffee strong but that was...too much.
Later, Bethany and Jordan headed for home with a stop at a comedy club in Columbus on the way home. TJ and Brittany went out to dinner with an old school buddy of TJ's. I went out to dinner with an old school friend of mine. I have known her since kindergarten. She is excited for me to move back towards home. She is the one whose husband died 2 weeks after I was officially divorced.
She and I had a good time. We had SO many years to catch up on!!
Saturday, TJ, Brittany, my parents and I headed out for the Covered Bridge festival. We visited few covered bridges. At one of them I met up with another old school friend (friends since 4th grade) and it was really great seeing her! She also got excited that I will be 'back home' in a couple of years and has started planning things we can do together. And then at the actual Festival in the town of our county seat I ran into yet another childhood friend (since 6th grade). She lives in Florida now...remarried after the love of her life died from cancer. She was helping out a friend that was running the festival. She was driving by on a golf cart, delivering things to booths, etc. She had slowed down by me and I yelled, VICKY! She saw me, stopped and yelled, JUMP IN! which I did and off we went. She made me promise to come down and visit in the spring....free room and board and a visit to see the Manatees. She also told me that she had always admired me...that I seemed so smart and confident and had so many friends. Me? Are we talking about the same person? I told her that I was a big ball of anxiety ALL the time and never felt like I was all that close with anyone. Funny how our perception of ourselves never really matches up with that of others.
I felt a big boost of...happiness? I am not sure what the feeling was but it was mixed with surprise/amazement. A friend said, "you are actually pretty kewl once the noises from his rhetoric and demeaning escapes your head". I read that and the very first thought that popped up in my head was, "It started long before HIM." and I was shocked that I had thought that. Then...it was clear.
My parents are marvelous ppl. They are hard workers and have always been there for their kids. They have sacrificed to make sure we had a good life and were well taken care of. However...on the flip side...they are super critical of everyone around them. They like no one because no one is perfect. Us kids grew up realizing that no matter who we are, what we do, we are never going to live up to what they expect and we will never make them happy.
It was right then..in that moment I realized I have been walking on eggshells and dancing around the edge of that volcano all my life.
When I got ready to leave...TJ and Brittany had just left before me...my parents, who had seemed happy to visit with their grandkids...cornered me and told me that they are too old to handle all of the comings and goings. We stayed too long. It nerves them up and then...I heard it. THEY are not used to Brittany and she makes them uncomfortable. OF COURSE she does.
My mother has never liked anyone that is not immediately part of her family. Heck, she barely seems to like US. Brittany could not have been nicer or tried harder.
I left there and felt crappy all the way home and the next day, which was the last day of my vacay. And my conclusion? 'Screw it". They have only gotten worse with age. I appreciate the life they gave me growing up but they have messed with my head and my perception of myself. My mother criticized my friends, my wardrobe, and if I gained weight. She made remarks to all of us girls about our weight when we were in elementary school because we were all chubby then. It was embarrassing to her because she felt that her sisters made fun of us. We could never have friends over because she could not stand all of the giggling. She and dad bickered constantly and I had to joke around just to lighten the mood for everyone and make them stop.
And heaven forbid if you ever did anything that went sideways with her...she would complain and yell about it ALL DAY.
Then...I married a male version of that. And my kids lived through it with him. The difference...I was their cheerleader. I bolstered them and guided them and never made them feel badly about their chubbiness when they were younger...I let them experiment with hair and clothes styles...I let them try things and QUIT if they didn't like it. I am sorry but I do NOT always agree with 'if you join, you can't quit...or you are a loser.' I believe that at a young age, they should have the freedom to TRY things. That is how they LEARN who they are and what they like! If you tell them they have to stick with it and can't quit, then they will be more hesitant to join ANYTHING.
But that is just me. I also took the time to DO things with them. So what if my house was not spotless. To this day, my mother's house is a museum. She works herself to the bone to make sure it is perfect. And it makes ME nervous.
I am glad that I do not live near them. My mother would hate my place. And now, I will listen to the voices of the friends that I met up with last weekend. No longer will I dance around the edge of that volcano for my parents or anyone else. I am me. And I am not so bad. I kinda like me.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Stranger Things
I look back at this week and I wonder....how did I do that? And I am not done yet.
I have managed this week to squeeze in exercise into little slivers. My job has been crazy busy and has taken up lots of my time...past the 8-5. I start by 7 in the morning and have stayed on top of things with my One Note...phone calls, follow up with teachers, keep check ups with students that I could release, and take on new cases. I think Holly and Lisa have had quite a laugh over how they keep trying to give me new case loads to get me to my full load of 40 kids but I keep releasing other students from my list so that the most they can find my list at is 28. I actually had one grandmother that has been taking care of the schooling with her grandsons cry when I released them from having engagement support. She cried because she was thrilled to hear from me that they have come a long way, she is doing a great job with them and they finally seem to have everything on track. They seem to have been struggling for the last year but I worked with her and kept nudging them in the right direction and they finally go things on track. She thanked me over and over for having the patience to work with her. (It's my job) It made me feel good. I have had many parents thank me which makes up for the nasty ones.
Along with the regular job, had to sit in on a one-on-one with a Intervention Specialist and a student. It is part of my final class project. Kind of difficult to believe that I only have 2 more weeks of this class. Then I begin the second one and by Dec. 9 will be 1/3 of the way done with my classes. I know I am getting ahead of myself but the idea that I am almost done with the first class already is kind of amazing to me.
In the meantime, I am trying to keep up with my job and this classwork. Each week it is 2 chapters and 3 assignments.
PLUS this week, I made some decorations for my DIL to use to decorate the apartment for my son's bday. At first his dad had told her that he would help...then she didn't hear anything from him. So she texted him and he said, "sorry...thought I texted you." typical "I couldn't find anything other than costumes." She texted me about it and I got to looking. I made some suggestions and bought the stuff to MAKE the decorations. She wanted a Harry Potter theme because she had bought him a Harry Potter wand remote control (they are such nerds). So in less than 4 hours I made a Sorting Hat and a Dementor for her to hang from the light over the diningroom table. The Sorting Hat cost me about $6 worth of materials. They sell those things for $30. The Dementor was easier and way less time consuming and cost me $6.50. It was less than half the price of one already made.
I managed to take some time off yesterday and go to the Lebanon Apple Festival with my younger sister. I was 4 hours out of my life and it was just what I needed. Today I am taking a few hours to go to our town Mum Festival with my daughter before she goes to work. Then...I have homework to finish and a lawn to mow. Yay me.
Then...Monday...hopping right back into it. I have to make sure I stay on task with my job and within the time frame because I need to make sure I get my final project worked on a little every day so that I am not breaking my back over trying to get it done all at once.
I am actually looking forward to Winter this year...because I don't want to have to keep working on the lawn while doing my job and classwork. My second class in the Spring and first class of the summer will be a challenging too because of yardwork.
However...one thing at a time.
This last week on my job, 2 of families that I was trying to work with had visits. One had a visit from the Compliancy officer. Another case of the grandmother taking care of the kids and trying to take care of their schooling. He came back and told us he is suggesting they be withdrawn. He said he walked into the house, the kids were just watching TV and not doing any school work (they haven't for 2 weeks) and there was pot on the coffee table that she didn't even try to hide.
The next kid had not done ANY school work since school started. We had no way of getting in contact with the parent because his email address seemed to be wrong and his phone seemed to be disconnected. An email we finally got from the dad through the daughter's email address said something about him being mentally ill and sick in bed and the student was helping him. My boss sent a Well Child Check to the house...that means a visit by a police officer. It turns out, the student had gotten into her father's school parent account and changed his email address and deleted his phone number. However, my question is this...WHERE was the dad? He even admitted that he thought it was strange he had not heard anything from the school. And he wasn't checking the daughter's work? Because if he had he would have seen that she had done nothing. He said he and her mom needed to talk over the weekend about whether or not they needed to consider a different schooling option for her. I told him he had until first thing Monday morning.
I am just more thankful for my kids.
Craziness.
I have managed this week to squeeze in exercise into little slivers. My job has been crazy busy and has taken up lots of my time...past the 8-5. I start by 7 in the morning and have stayed on top of things with my One Note...phone calls, follow up with teachers, keep check ups with students that I could release, and take on new cases. I think Holly and Lisa have had quite a laugh over how they keep trying to give me new case loads to get me to my full load of 40 kids but I keep releasing other students from my list so that the most they can find my list at is 28. I actually had one grandmother that has been taking care of the schooling with her grandsons cry when I released them from having engagement support. She cried because she was thrilled to hear from me that they have come a long way, she is doing a great job with them and they finally seem to have everything on track. They seem to have been struggling for the last year but I worked with her and kept nudging them in the right direction and they finally go things on track. She thanked me over and over for having the patience to work with her. (It's my job) It made me feel good. I have had many parents thank me which makes up for the nasty ones.
Along with the regular job, had to sit in on a one-on-one with a Intervention Specialist and a student. It is part of my final class project. Kind of difficult to believe that I only have 2 more weeks of this class. Then I begin the second one and by Dec. 9 will be 1/3 of the way done with my classes. I know I am getting ahead of myself but the idea that I am almost done with the first class already is kind of amazing to me.
In the meantime, I am trying to keep up with my job and this classwork. Each week it is 2 chapters and 3 assignments.
PLUS this week, I made some decorations for my DIL to use to decorate the apartment for my son's bday. At first his dad had told her that he would help...then she didn't hear anything from him. So she texted him and he said, "sorry...thought I texted you." typical "I couldn't find anything other than costumes." She texted me about it and I got to looking. I made some suggestions and bought the stuff to MAKE the decorations. She wanted a Harry Potter theme because she had bought him a Harry Potter wand remote control (they are such nerds). So in less than 4 hours I made a Sorting Hat and a Dementor for her to hang from the light over the diningroom table. The Sorting Hat cost me about $6 worth of materials. They sell those things for $30. The Dementor was easier and way less time consuming and cost me $6.50. It was less than half the price of one already made.
I managed to take some time off yesterday and go to the Lebanon Apple Festival with my younger sister. I was 4 hours out of my life and it was just what I needed. Today I am taking a few hours to go to our town Mum Festival with my daughter before she goes to work. Then...I have homework to finish and a lawn to mow. Yay me.
Then...Monday...hopping right back into it. I have to make sure I stay on task with my job and within the time frame because I need to make sure I get my final project worked on a little every day so that I am not breaking my back over trying to get it done all at once.
I am actually looking forward to Winter this year...because I don't want to have to keep working on the lawn while doing my job and classwork. My second class in the Spring and first class of the summer will be a challenging too because of yardwork.
However...one thing at a time.
This last week on my job, 2 of families that I was trying to work with had visits. One had a visit from the Compliancy officer. Another case of the grandmother taking care of the kids and trying to take care of their schooling. He came back and told us he is suggesting they be withdrawn. He said he walked into the house, the kids were just watching TV and not doing any school work (they haven't for 2 weeks) and there was pot on the coffee table that she didn't even try to hide.
The next kid had not done ANY school work since school started. We had no way of getting in contact with the parent because his email address seemed to be wrong and his phone seemed to be disconnected. An email we finally got from the dad through the daughter's email address said something about him being mentally ill and sick in bed and the student was helping him. My boss sent a Well Child Check to the house...that means a visit by a police officer. It turns out, the student had gotten into her father's school parent account and changed his email address and deleted his phone number. However, my question is this...WHERE was the dad? He even admitted that he thought it was strange he had not heard anything from the school. And he wasn't checking the daughter's work? Because if he had he would have seen that she had done nothing. He said he and her mom needed to talk over the weekend about whether or not they needed to consider a different schooling option for her. I told him he had until first thing Monday morning.
I am just more thankful for my kids.
Craziness.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Fuss and Such
Where do I begin? I want this to be a post I write because things are going great. Some things are okay. Other things...just cause sadness/anxiety...and I really should pray more about it all. I have faith but it most times goes hand in hand with patience.
My vision problem bothers me. More and more every day. I can't afford to go to the retina specialist. I wish I could. Even at that, laser surgery bothers me. I could swallow my pride and use a 'go fund me' account but isn't that like saying I don't have faith in God? And who wants to rely on the kindness and generosity of strangers?
My son seems to have some rheumatoid arthritis in his back...at 26. I think a lot of his back pain could be alleviated with stretching and exercise but he complains he doesn't have time...and I can get that. I gave him that tenz unit I had at the house. It was really his anyway. The chiropractor that was GOOD that I took him to when he was in his teens and suffered from a mild scoliosis prescribed it and our med. insurance paid for it. I told him to use it 1 to 2 times a week and I gave him a tube of Icy Hot with Lidocain in it. I use that on occassion when my nerves in my body are on high alert...like yesterday.
Fibromyalgia. The other part of that is not just the nerve pain. It is fighting the depression that comes with it. Life should not have to be such a battle all of the time. I know there are other people that have it worse and I try to remind myself of that but knowing that I am in better physical condition that others doesn't always cut it. It just cuts the pity party short.
I realized that I should not whine over my position at this point because I am here because of choices I made. All along the way.
My younger sister is in a position with finances that keeps her awake at night too. I am afraid, from the way her husband sounds and acts, that she may end up in the same position I am in someday. Hopefully, not.
My son's car is acting up also. He has not paid of the personal loan he took out for it. I told him that I can find him a newer, better car for about the same price he paid for that one and he can take out a car loan for it and not have to pay full insurance coverage on his car AND the loan could be stretched out over 4-5 years instead which would lower his monthly payments to give him some wiggle room when he needs it. I would have to pay off what he still owes on his personal loan, of course.
He needs a different job. It is a good starter job but he is not going to make it with this job forever.
I need a better paying job...me. I need one that pays like Douchebag's does. I chose the wrong profession. However, IF I had stayed where I was instead of choosing to pick up and move and follow him from job to job, place to place and kept my teaching job, I could have been making really good money by now and ready to retire. couldashouldawoulda
Oh...the choices one makes.
At least my daughter seems okay for right now. She just turned 21. I am not sure about her future with what she has chosen to do...but I will fuss over that another day. I need to concentrate on my classwork and get it done.
My vision problem bothers me. More and more every day. I can't afford to go to the retina specialist. I wish I could. Even at that, laser surgery bothers me. I could swallow my pride and use a 'go fund me' account but isn't that like saying I don't have faith in God? And who wants to rely on the kindness and generosity of strangers?
My son seems to have some rheumatoid arthritis in his back...at 26. I think a lot of his back pain could be alleviated with stretching and exercise but he complains he doesn't have time...and I can get that. I gave him that tenz unit I had at the house. It was really his anyway. The chiropractor that was GOOD that I took him to when he was in his teens and suffered from a mild scoliosis prescribed it and our med. insurance paid for it. I told him to use it 1 to 2 times a week and I gave him a tube of Icy Hot with Lidocain in it. I use that on occassion when my nerves in my body are on high alert...like yesterday.
Fibromyalgia. The other part of that is not just the nerve pain. It is fighting the depression that comes with it. Life should not have to be such a battle all of the time. I know there are other people that have it worse and I try to remind myself of that but knowing that I am in better physical condition that others doesn't always cut it. It just cuts the pity party short.
I realized that I should not whine over my position at this point because I am here because of choices I made. All along the way.
My younger sister is in a position with finances that keeps her awake at night too. I am afraid, from the way her husband sounds and acts, that she may end up in the same position I am in someday. Hopefully, not.
My son's car is acting up also. He has not paid of the personal loan he took out for it. I told him that I can find him a newer, better car for about the same price he paid for that one and he can take out a car loan for it and not have to pay full insurance coverage on his car AND the loan could be stretched out over 4-5 years instead which would lower his monthly payments to give him some wiggle room when he needs it. I would have to pay off what he still owes on his personal loan, of course.
He needs a different job. It is a good starter job but he is not going to make it with this job forever.
I need a better paying job...me. I need one that pays like Douchebag's does. I chose the wrong profession. However, IF I had stayed where I was instead of choosing to pick up and move and follow him from job to job, place to place and kept my teaching job, I could have been making really good money by now and ready to retire. couldashouldawoulda
Oh...the choices one makes.
At least my daughter seems okay for right now. She just turned 21. I am not sure about her future with what she has chosen to do...but I will fuss over that another day. I need to concentrate on my classwork and get it done.
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