I am not really sure what happened. I don't know if it is all the praying that finally worked, or something I read or it just worked its way out...I do credit praying for a lot...I finally FINALLY feel nothing. Seriously nothing.
Well...I do feel happy. I feel lighter. However, I do not feel hurt. I do not have the deep soul sucking pit of pain invading me anymore. I do not feel depressed or anxious...sad, mad, bad...
I simply do not care. And it isn't like I do not care out of anger. I just don't care. I don't care what he does with his life or who he does it with. I do not care if he is having a good or bad day. I don't care what is going on with him in the slightest. I don't care if I know anything that is going on with his life. I don't care to share anything with him. It has all passed.
And I feel FREE.
I did manage to have a talk with the kids about how they viewed things. If they feel I am being fair/unfair about things. I told them that emotions can get in my way and I don't want them to feel I am being crazy about stuff and unfair to their dad. I don't want them to be in the middle and uncomfortable with things anymore than would be natural. So, we discussed how things are and they seemed to feel that everything is okay. They understand how things were settled in the divorce and that it seems fair. They said the only thing they have had any struggle with is how their father handled certain situations.
Which brought me around to the gf issue. I asked them how that affected them and what it was about the whole thing that really bothered them....besides it being weird that daddy had a new woman in his life.
They admitted that is weird but that part they could get used to. What they have a problem with is how quickly it happened, his attitude about it ("it's my life and no one else's business"), and the fact that she portrays herself as this nasty individual that is someone they would not want to be friends with anyway.
I told them I just wanted to make sure that they are not giving their dad a hard time about it out of 'loyalty' to me. I told them that they don't have to hold back because of me. If they want to get to know her or give their dad's new life a chance to be a part of then do it. It is weird for me too but I am not going to be mad at them or hurt about it. It is the way it is. However, if it is just the person that she is that they object to, that is a different issue and no where is it written that just because daddy picked her do they HAVE to like her or include her in their lives. Just like IF I ever start dating, if they don't like the guy I am dating because they find him to be a type of person they would not pick to hang with, then they don't HAVE to like him. However, if he is a decent person, he would deserve a chance. Just like anyone their dad is with. It is part of the family relationship package.
Divorce is an unnatural state of affairs. It makes things complicated. But, I am now finding myself to like it. And the weirdest thing...this morning I found myself looking at shoes and dreaming about buying lots of them.
When I first met Troy, I had LOTS of shoes. Not real expensive fancy models. Just lots of various colors and types. But, once we were married and kids started, money was tight, shoes started wearing out and I just never had the money to replace them. But now that I am looking forward to getting a job and having a paycheck of my own, I am going to start rebuilding my collecting. And there is the joy in my life...for now.
I am also really loving getting into my classwork now. Now that my head is clear and I don't have stuff rolling around in it anymore, nor do I have people telling me what I should be doing anymore, I can think clearly about it all and I am really enjoying what I am learning.
I have to take a teacher exam the end of June to get an endorsement on my license to help me get a teaching job. My second class ends at the end of the first week of June. I think I am going to ask to put off my third class until after I take the teacher exam. I want to be able to do a really great job on it. After all, the test is 4 hours long and $105. And that is just for Elementary reading. I am contemplating taking the Middle School math. That is 4 1/2 hours long and another $105. yay.
Back to the class.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
The Age of Enlightenment
Morning counseling done. With the help of God...my mind and emotions finally got me to a place where I could see clearly. Counseling allowed me to rail about my feelings and throw the blame around as much as I needed to...for a while. It allowed me to stir up the tornado and let it move around...creating a path of destruction for a while. It needed to run its course and die. And I am grateful that Troy allowed it to happen.
Once it was done, it had cleared everything out of the way. I was left standing in a clearing and the bright sun shown down. And then it was time. It was time for me to face all the realities of everything. This divorce wasn't about what he had done/didn't do. It wasn't about what I had done/didn't do. It was about the fact that we did not DEAL with anything. Our communication was awful. We didn't deal with it. We did not LISTEN, we did not share...we ignored it and ignored it.
I had to admit that my anger was not about what he had done in the past. My anger was not about what we had ignored. My anger was the fact that I still believed that we would have that chance to finally fix it and NOT ignore it anymore. We could make a commitment to get that counseling. But he pulled the plug on everything before we could do that. I am not angry at him for doing it. I am just angry because we didn't get that chance to TRY and right our wrongs.
I am also angry at me for not admitting what I wanted to do/thought out loud to anyone else.
Yes, he has some serious flaws that he would need to be willing to face, accept and be willing to change. So do I. If we do not face them and take steps to change them, history will repeat itself.
The next step in my healing is to accept that there is no more chances. It is dead, not coming back (kinda like Dr. McDreamy)...and accept that WE both dropped the ball. I could sit and exam WHY we did, but the thing is I don't need to because it doesn't matter. I just have to realize that WE did not give the problem the time and attention it needed. We did not feed the fish or clean the tank...the fish went belly up.
Through all of this, clearing everything out of the way, I did find the reasons why I had loved him and married him. I can look at that fondly and I can have those feelings of bitter sweetness without hurting about it or mourning it.
Further steps...get over the anger of what ultimately happened. WE are to blame. I need to lay down that weight of anger and walk away. Accept, move on.
But now, in order for me to move on, I also need to move him out of my life. And not because I harbor any ill will towards him...because I need to look forward and work on finding what there is I like/love about myself. I need to spend time with myself. He is no longer my concern and I need to make ME my concern. And once his stuff is finally out of here I can do all of that.
I also shared with Troy what I had learned in my counseling sessions. I told him that I am hoping that he will consider what I have to share...about how to heal a relationship...if he wants to heal things with his kids and finally have the relationship they should have had. I told him if he is willing to take the steps, I will help the kids work through it on this end. They all need to begin by working through the past garbage so that they can bag it and toss it. I also told him that he is going to have to keep in mind that, while his kids are technically adults, he is still going to have to approach this from the stand point that he is the parent and supposed to be the example, the mature one.
I don't know, yet, what his response will be. I literally pray that he will seriously give it a try. I would not have broached this with him if it had not been for the email he sent me yesterday where he said his family does mean the world to him and he has a hard way of showing it. And Bethany had said that she thinks he just doesn't know how to communicate. The difference is the kids will always have a tie with their dad and have a reason/need to work on things and make it better. For Troy and I, it is too late and there is nothing left to work on.
I really do want to see them all knock down the walls, clear out the hurt and resentment and learn how to communicate and love. It will make life so much better for all of them. I never wanted them to NOT have a good relationship with their dad. If this divorce brings about a good change for them, then it is worth it.
Once it was done, it had cleared everything out of the way. I was left standing in a clearing and the bright sun shown down. And then it was time. It was time for me to face all the realities of everything. This divorce wasn't about what he had done/didn't do. It wasn't about what I had done/didn't do. It was about the fact that we did not DEAL with anything. Our communication was awful. We didn't deal with it. We did not LISTEN, we did not share...we ignored it and ignored it.
I had to admit that my anger was not about what he had done in the past. My anger was not about what we had ignored. My anger was the fact that I still believed that we would have that chance to finally fix it and NOT ignore it anymore. We could make a commitment to get that counseling. But he pulled the plug on everything before we could do that. I am not angry at him for doing it. I am just angry because we didn't get that chance to TRY and right our wrongs.
I am also angry at me for not admitting what I wanted to do/thought out loud to anyone else.
Yes, he has some serious flaws that he would need to be willing to face, accept and be willing to change. So do I. If we do not face them and take steps to change them, history will repeat itself.
The next step in my healing is to accept that there is no more chances. It is dead, not coming back (kinda like Dr. McDreamy)...and accept that WE both dropped the ball. I could sit and exam WHY we did, but the thing is I don't need to because it doesn't matter. I just have to realize that WE did not give the problem the time and attention it needed. We did not feed the fish or clean the tank...the fish went belly up.
Through all of this, clearing everything out of the way, I did find the reasons why I had loved him and married him. I can look at that fondly and I can have those feelings of bitter sweetness without hurting about it or mourning it.
Further steps...get over the anger of what ultimately happened. WE are to blame. I need to lay down that weight of anger and walk away. Accept, move on.
But now, in order for me to move on, I also need to move him out of my life. And not because I harbor any ill will towards him...because I need to look forward and work on finding what there is I like/love about myself. I need to spend time with myself. He is no longer my concern and I need to make ME my concern. And once his stuff is finally out of here I can do all of that.
I also shared with Troy what I had learned in my counseling sessions. I told him that I am hoping that he will consider what I have to share...about how to heal a relationship...if he wants to heal things with his kids and finally have the relationship they should have had. I told him if he is willing to take the steps, I will help the kids work through it on this end. They all need to begin by working through the past garbage so that they can bag it and toss it. I also told him that he is going to have to keep in mind that, while his kids are technically adults, he is still going to have to approach this from the stand point that he is the parent and supposed to be the example, the mature one.
I don't know, yet, what his response will be. I literally pray that he will seriously give it a try. I would not have broached this with him if it had not been for the email he sent me yesterday where he said his family does mean the world to him and he has a hard way of showing it. And Bethany had said that she thinks he just doesn't know how to communicate. The difference is the kids will always have a tie with their dad and have a reason/need to work on things and make it better. For Troy and I, it is too late and there is nothing left to work on.
I really do want to see them all knock down the walls, clear out the hurt and resentment and learn how to communicate and love. It will make life so much better for all of them. I never wanted them to NOT have a good relationship with their dad. If this divorce brings about a good change for them, then it is worth it.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Top 10 Hits
This last week has been 'different'. Monday started out feeling really good. I had, after all, gotten some positive feedback about a job, or two.
Tuesday...not so good. For no real reason. Just the reaction to the chemical cocktail.
("If you thought you were in love, isn't that the same as being in love? Isn't love just a chemical cocktail for the brain--dopamine, serotonin--in a jigger with a twist?" Shonda Rhimes via 'Meredith Grey', Grey's Anatomy).
Thursday I took my son's car to the mechanic when he got home from his 3rd shift job. Got that bit of happy taken care of. Friday took my daughter and her guy friend to the college to get signed up. At least the evening was good...we all got to have dinner together.
Saturday the hard drive on my laptop crashed. Dropped it off with a computer fix it man 5 minutes from my house. HP wanted $280 to fix it. This guy charges $145.
So I used my daughter's laptop for what school work I could do. She doesn't have any MS Office on hers at all so I could only do what was on the school website. I could not download and view PPs or write my papers...one of which I lost in the crash and had to start over.
So, Sunday, I got up early and thought, 'Well, I have a PC. Haven't used it in over a year but it still works as far as I know.' It works but my Office was out of date and since it had been purchased through the last college I took classes from, it was now expired. So I had a choice...either purchase 2013 from the college I attend now at a student discount rate (is it really?) of $80 and it will be good for 4 years OR purchase the Home edition for $100 and it can be downloaded to everyone's computer, here. It is only good for one year, though and I can choose to renew and download newer versions...or not. Additional cost, of course. I went ahead and chose the Home edition. I figured Bethany is going to need it, TJ will need a newer version once his laptop gets cleaned out tomorrow.
Then it wouldn't load. I had to mess around with the MS people until I found a tech that knew what he was doing and even then it took him an hour to 'fix' the problems with my computer and get it all downloaded. I was very grateful.
Then late last night, my son calls me on his way to work. He is having some major health issues. I don't really want to get into it. I didn't sleep well. Called the doctor as soon as I could this morning and they told me to take him to the ER. My son, being stubborn, insisted he wanted to get some sleep first. So, I have been doing what I can around here this morning, waiting for him to get some rest. I just pray it isn't anything major...no very bad news. The problem he is having could be any number of things from a simple infection all the way to...well...no one wants to say it.
I texted his father...told him 'this is important. I have to take TJ to the ER' He asked me why. I explained to him what was going on. The text I got back was, "I am not feeling well either. Let me know."
"I am not feeling well either" Guess what, I haven't been either BUT it is nothing compared to what is going on with TJ. Yet, he felt he had to throw that in there. When he spoke to me on the phone Friday he sounded just fine then...wanted to tell me about some new gadget he bought himself...and I cut him off and told him I was in the middle of something and had to go. I hung up.
Bethany looked at me last night and told me that the biggest thing we are all going through is anger. She said it is because he rode off into the sunset and never looked back. He moved some place new, has a new job then got someone new in his life. He left us to deal with the aftermath...sorting everything out...including our 'new' futures. She said that while he tries to tell me (her mom) that he thought I wanted the divorce, he never once really asked me how I felt. She said, "He never talked to any of us about it. He just dumped it all on us." She said that she will get over it and in time she knows she will feel differently. But the other problem is the new one in his life. She said that her dad picked out someone that is everything he harped on them not to be.
Well...that is par for the course with him. He has ALWAYS been a 'do as I say, not as I do' kinda guy. They know this. I think their biggest struggle is the freedom. They no longer have to put up with the guy that they had no respect for...didn't like being around. We have all lived in 'the valley of dead bones' for so long, we are trying to get used to being somewhere that we can get things to grow.
Bethany said that her friends all said that they noticed a difference in the atmosphere when he wasn't home...when he was gone on business trips. They said it wasn't so much in the way we acted...it was just like a missing negative electrical field. My mother always said that. She said the minute he walked in the door, the aura of the room changed instantly. I know I immediately tensed.
Once he has gathered his stuff in a little under 4 weeks, then that is that. Then perhaps the aura will be changed permanently. I am hoping so.
My kids will figure it out. They just shrug and say it will take time. I guess they are just waiting to see if he ever reaches out to them anymore or just fades entirely away.
Tuesday...not so good. For no real reason. Just the reaction to the chemical cocktail.
("If you thought you were in love, isn't that the same as being in love? Isn't love just a chemical cocktail for the brain--dopamine, serotonin--in a jigger with a twist?" Shonda Rhimes via 'Meredith Grey', Grey's Anatomy).
Thursday I took my son's car to the mechanic when he got home from his 3rd shift job. Got that bit of happy taken care of. Friday took my daughter and her guy friend to the college to get signed up. At least the evening was good...we all got to have dinner together.
Saturday the hard drive on my laptop crashed. Dropped it off with a computer fix it man 5 minutes from my house. HP wanted $280 to fix it. This guy charges $145.
So I used my daughter's laptop for what school work I could do. She doesn't have any MS Office on hers at all so I could only do what was on the school website. I could not download and view PPs or write my papers...one of which I lost in the crash and had to start over.
So, Sunday, I got up early and thought, 'Well, I have a PC. Haven't used it in over a year but it still works as far as I know.' It works but my Office was out of date and since it had been purchased through the last college I took classes from, it was now expired. So I had a choice...either purchase 2013 from the college I attend now at a student discount rate (is it really?) of $80 and it will be good for 4 years OR purchase the Home edition for $100 and it can be downloaded to everyone's computer, here. It is only good for one year, though and I can choose to renew and download newer versions...or not. Additional cost, of course. I went ahead and chose the Home edition. I figured Bethany is going to need it, TJ will need a newer version once his laptop gets cleaned out tomorrow.
Then it wouldn't load. I had to mess around with the MS people until I found a tech that knew what he was doing and even then it took him an hour to 'fix' the problems with my computer and get it all downloaded. I was very grateful.
Then late last night, my son calls me on his way to work. He is having some major health issues. I don't really want to get into it. I didn't sleep well. Called the doctor as soon as I could this morning and they told me to take him to the ER. My son, being stubborn, insisted he wanted to get some sleep first. So, I have been doing what I can around here this morning, waiting for him to get some rest. I just pray it isn't anything major...no very bad news. The problem he is having could be any number of things from a simple infection all the way to...well...no one wants to say it.
I texted his father...told him 'this is important. I have to take TJ to the ER' He asked me why. I explained to him what was going on. The text I got back was, "I am not feeling well either. Let me know."
"I am not feeling well either" Guess what, I haven't been either BUT it is nothing compared to what is going on with TJ. Yet, he felt he had to throw that in there. When he spoke to me on the phone Friday he sounded just fine then...wanted to tell me about some new gadget he bought himself...and I cut him off and told him I was in the middle of something and had to go. I hung up.
Bethany looked at me last night and told me that the biggest thing we are all going through is anger. She said it is because he rode off into the sunset and never looked back. He moved some place new, has a new job then got someone new in his life. He left us to deal with the aftermath...sorting everything out...including our 'new' futures. She said that while he tries to tell me (her mom) that he thought I wanted the divorce, he never once really asked me how I felt. She said, "He never talked to any of us about it. He just dumped it all on us." She said that she will get over it and in time she knows she will feel differently. But the other problem is the new one in his life. She said that her dad picked out someone that is everything he harped on them not to be.
Well...that is par for the course with him. He has ALWAYS been a 'do as I say, not as I do' kinda guy. They know this. I think their biggest struggle is the freedom. They no longer have to put up with the guy that they had no respect for...didn't like being around. We have all lived in 'the valley of dead bones' for so long, we are trying to get used to being somewhere that we can get things to grow.
Bethany said that her friends all said that they noticed a difference in the atmosphere when he wasn't home...when he was gone on business trips. They said it wasn't so much in the way we acted...it was just like a missing negative electrical field. My mother always said that. She said the minute he walked in the door, the aura of the room changed instantly. I know I immediately tensed.
Once he has gathered his stuff in a little under 4 weeks, then that is that. Then perhaps the aura will be changed permanently. I am hoping so.
My kids will figure it out. They just shrug and say it will take time. I guess they are just waiting to see if he ever reaches out to them anymore or just fades entirely away.
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