Today we had a 4 1/2 hour long Middle School meeting on line. We all shared our lives. There are other teachers out there that get what I have gone through because some of them are on the same page. No, I did not start the whole thing. There was another teacher that started telling her story...then another..and another...somewhere in there I shared some...and it just went on for 2 hours.
Then we had lunch and the rest of the meeting.
I had another epiphany. And it has dropped a boulder off of my back: it has not been that I did not forgive Douche, the problem has been that I have not forgiven myself. Then I also realized that no one was holding anything against me. I talked to my kids and they both said that no, they didn't have any hard feelings against me about anything. I was a good mom, I was always there and raised them well. They are able to stand on their own 2 feet and figure things out. They are relatively well adjusted despite their dad. So...having heard that, I forgave myself and have moved on. I am feeling emotionally lighter.
Anytime Douche starts to creep into my thoughts at all, I stop and make my thoughts go in a different direction. There is no reason for me to think of what is out in Kansas.
I am concentrating on what I need to do. I do what I want to do and I am reveling in not having to be concerned with anyone else.
We found out our school may be taking in another 400-500 students soon. They are trying to hire more teachers now to get ahead of the influx. But they also said we will need another 12 Intervention Specialists. Does that mean that I will end up with way more students than I should have? Again?
I am down to 17 students. I started with 23. I had to give 3 of them to a new IS. Then one left the school on their own, 3 have been truancy withdrawn, another one was switched to a different curriculum and IS, then I received 2 new students. I have not checked the student list today...I probably have another new one on there already.
Too many 'feels' today. I am tired out.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Sunday, January 7, 2018
This is too Bitter...Pass the Sugar
I will not go into the whole Christmas vacation thing. I got to see Max, the kids got to have their dinner with their dad and meet the new woman. The kids are sort of iffy about her. Bethany says it is too soon...she thinks the woman is too quick to rush in and embrace everyone and it makes her want to back away. I get that because I am like that. TJ said the woman acts a little too High Schoolish but at least she seems like a decent person and if this is the best that his dad can do and it works for him then he will accept it.
The weird part of it was that part of Douche's family contacted me afterward to make sure it is okay with ME that they get to know her....weird. They said they felt as if they are betraying me. I had to give them the talk..."he is related to you. I am not his wife...she has not done anything wrong and you should get to know her." I get that some of them like me more than they do him but...I view this as the thing that will allow them to let go of me.
I had an epiphany tonight...that I AM alone here...and I am not saying that in a depressing way. What I am getting at is, I am alone...not connected to anyone and I do not have to 'worry' about what anyone thinks about what I do or how it will impact someone else. Within reason. I am free to do what I need to do or want to do ...for me. No one else. This is a new revelation. For the first time in 27 years, I do not have to be just THE MOM...or someone's wife.
So, to that end. I get up every day and read some Bible, then do a 10 minute deep breathe/relax/prayer session. I get up, exercise for about 10-15 minutes, do the Bible meditation, eat breakfast then begin work. I am feeling better. This morning's bible reading was Colossians Chapter 3. I won't quote but verses 8 and 13 are what I really needed and I will be focused on them for the week.
Ironically, the last class I have to start this Monday is all about writing IEPs. yep..great timing. I am hoping homework will be easy. At the same time, I am learning how to do progress reports and I have 11 days to finish them all. Some of them will be easier than others. The ones at the end of semester 2 will be easier because they did not tell us what we needed to keep notes about. Now I know and I will keep notes. For these progress reports I have to pour through their course work and what notes I did keep to fill in progress and how many classes they attended.
Ugh...always something. I will never get time to write my book.
The weird part of it was that part of Douche's family contacted me afterward to make sure it is okay with ME that they get to know her....weird. They said they felt as if they are betraying me. I had to give them the talk..."he is related to you. I am not his wife...she has not done anything wrong and you should get to know her." I get that some of them like me more than they do him but...I view this as the thing that will allow them to let go of me.
I had an epiphany tonight...that I AM alone here...and I am not saying that in a depressing way. What I am getting at is, I am alone...not connected to anyone and I do not have to 'worry' about what anyone thinks about what I do or how it will impact someone else. Within reason. I am free to do what I need to do or want to do ...for me. No one else. This is a new revelation. For the first time in 27 years, I do not have to be just THE MOM...or someone's wife.
So, to that end. I get up every day and read some Bible, then do a 10 minute deep breathe/relax/prayer session. I get up, exercise for about 10-15 minutes, do the Bible meditation, eat breakfast then begin work. I am feeling better. This morning's bible reading was Colossians Chapter 3. I won't quote but verses 8 and 13 are what I really needed and I will be focused on them for the week.
Ironically, the last class I have to start this Monday is all about writing IEPs. yep..great timing. I am hoping homework will be easy. At the same time, I am learning how to do progress reports and I have 11 days to finish them all. Some of them will be easier than others. The ones at the end of semester 2 will be easier because they did not tell us what we needed to keep notes about. Now I know and I will keep notes. For these progress reports I have to pour through their course work and what notes I did keep to fill in progress and how many classes they attended.
Ugh...always something. I will never get time to write my book.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Plumbing, Electricity, and Douche Bags
Whew...I have literally been through every emotion today that I can go through.
Frankly...I am ready to quit. I just wanted a quiet Christmas. I don't ask for much really. I can be pretty easy to please.
The water filter in the basement is cracked and leaking. I have tried patching it. I even tried the tape that you are supposed to be able to use in place of the bottom of a boat...supposed to adhere even when wet. They lie. I tried an epoxy patch...too much water pressure...blew it right off. I have one more patch to try. I know I will have to replace the water filter. That is a whole day piece of work. And it is something I have to do all by myself...again. Cutting pipe. Replacing pipe. And I want to walk away.
I am tired. Feel like I am always running behind. Overwhelmed.
Dingus told our son that he was going to stop here around midnight on Christmas and drop Max off at the front door...even if I don't want to see him (Dingus...not Max). I would kind of like to see Max but it is kind of not fair to Max. He gets depressed. It would confuse him. And I would have to go through heart ache again.
It really angered me too that he felt he was just going to do what he wanted...no thoughts of whether or not I have plans...have any thoughts or feelings about it. So I texted him and basically told him that he no longer can just make me rearrange my life for him. He needs to have some consideration and realized that other ppl have lives and he should have been respcctful enough to ask. All I got was, "I was going to ask you." When you knocked on my door at midnight on Christmas night? That does not work for me.
He change his plans on the kids. While for TJ it just happened to work out but for Bethany...she had to ask for the day off. And he changed his plans. Typical. Her feelings about her dad are already on thin ice. He has this new live in and I know what Bethany is thinking. She already said, Wow! You would think it would be important to him to spend some time with his kids!
I have been gathering up EVERYTHING around this house that belongs to him or has any attachment to him and putting it in a box. I am having Bethany give it all to him. I am purging my house of anything that has to do with him.
I am not upset that he is gone...moved on. I am just wondering why everyone else has someone in their life and moving on when I am still here...struggling on my own. Why. I have taken good care of everyone to the point of sacrificing my needs and wants. Why. Why does he get to move on and have someone in his life when I am here alone...struggling with wiring problems and plumbing problems. Why does he feel that I do not deserve respect?
My daughter has one foot out the door. I have a feeling that on Dec. 27th, when she has a day off, she will be packing up her stuff and moving it all back to Jordan's. And here I will be.
She has moved on. My son has moved on. And Doofus has moved on. I raised my kids to move on.
And I have a cracked water filter and a wiring problem in the light switches in the hallway. A job that drains me every day...and I have to put in 10-12 hours days sometimes.
Two of our 8th graders died Wednesday. Died. One with terminal cancer and one was a hunting accident. And I just can't take one more thing. I need someone to curl up with and put his arms around me and tell me that I don't have to do it alone.
Frankly...I am ready to quit. I just wanted a quiet Christmas. I don't ask for much really. I can be pretty easy to please.
The water filter in the basement is cracked and leaking. I have tried patching it. I even tried the tape that you are supposed to be able to use in place of the bottom of a boat...supposed to adhere even when wet. They lie. I tried an epoxy patch...too much water pressure...blew it right off. I have one more patch to try. I know I will have to replace the water filter. That is a whole day piece of work. And it is something I have to do all by myself...again. Cutting pipe. Replacing pipe. And I want to walk away.
I am tired. Feel like I am always running behind. Overwhelmed.
Dingus told our son that he was going to stop here around midnight on Christmas and drop Max off at the front door...even if I don't want to see him (Dingus...not Max). I would kind of like to see Max but it is kind of not fair to Max. He gets depressed. It would confuse him. And I would have to go through heart ache again.
It really angered me too that he felt he was just going to do what he wanted...no thoughts of whether or not I have plans...have any thoughts or feelings about it. So I texted him and basically told him that he no longer can just make me rearrange my life for him. He needs to have some consideration and realized that other ppl have lives and he should have been respcctful enough to ask. All I got was, "I was going to ask you." When you knocked on my door at midnight on Christmas night? That does not work for me.
He change his plans on the kids. While for TJ it just happened to work out but for Bethany...she had to ask for the day off. And he changed his plans. Typical. Her feelings about her dad are already on thin ice. He has this new live in and I know what Bethany is thinking. She already said, Wow! You would think it would be important to him to spend some time with his kids!
I have been gathering up EVERYTHING around this house that belongs to him or has any attachment to him and putting it in a box. I am having Bethany give it all to him. I am purging my house of anything that has to do with him.
I am not upset that he is gone...moved on. I am just wondering why everyone else has someone in their life and moving on when I am still here...struggling on my own. Why. I have taken good care of everyone to the point of sacrificing my needs and wants. Why. Why does he get to move on and have someone in his life when I am here alone...struggling with wiring problems and plumbing problems. Why does he feel that I do not deserve respect?
My daughter has one foot out the door. I have a feeling that on Dec. 27th, when she has a day off, she will be packing up her stuff and moving it all back to Jordan's. And here I will be.
She has moved on. My son has moved on. And Doofus has moved on. I raised my kids to move on.
And I have a cracked water filter and a wiring problem in the light switches in the hallway. A job that drains me every day...and I have to put in 10-12 hours days sometimes.
Two of our 8th graders died Wednesday. Died. One with terminal cancer and one was a hunting accident. And I just can't take one more thing. I need someone to curl up with and put his arms around me and tell me that I don't have to do it alone.
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