Trying to fill out an application online...with America's Got Talent on the television for noise...because there is nothing else that I can stand to have making noise in the background right now.
Stewing over the latest conversation with my husband. How he has been giving me a lecture about how he had to put money from 'his' account into 'our' account...and I need to watch what I'm spending. He said, "I've been having to live on one paycheck a month." blink...huh? I said, "I don't know how...the only thing I've asked you for in months is for the money to pay the mortgage." and he doesn't even give me money to pay all of that! $89 may not seem like much to Mr. Big Bucks but for me it is a week and half of gas for my car to get back and forth to work! He pays all of the mortgage but that last $89. What he gives me for mortgage pymt isn't even half of one of his paychecks. And if he IS living on one paycheck a month...so what! One of his paychecks is larger than BOTH of mine put together...and I manage to take care of 3 adults and 3 dogs with all our household bills and my student loan payments with my 2 small paychecks. He said, "I've been trying to pay off the Capital One card." That is HIS credit card. I do not have access to it. If he has a big bill...ONE big bill..to pay off it is HIS. Not MY fault.
He barely speaks to me on the phone. Never asks what the kids are up to, and anything I have to tell him I have to say quickly because I know he is soon going to say, "well, I'm cooking dinner.." "well, I'm at the store..." "well, I have a headache..." followed with, "I'll talk to you later."
And the wall fell on me Saturday. I have been trying to hard to ignore it. But, it was like a quiet voice in my head and someone touching my hand, "it's over. He doesn't care, he likes being single and where he is...without you all." I am nothing...as far as he is concerned.
And tonight I broke down and cried.
I had such a good day at work...2 of the team leads got calls from customers complimenting me so they sent the 'Yay!" email out to the floor about me. Then I had a VERY difficult call with a woman that was yelling for a half hour. I sat there quietly and sent emails to the maintenance dept about her electric connection, made copies of her bills, and sent an email to my TL and one to my supervisor asking him to pull the call, and seeing if there was something that could be done. He came over to me after I had my lunch and said that I had handled the call very well and he asked me to set up an itemized payment plan for her with the first payment due when she said she could make a payment and suspend her disconnection, etc. I got a compliment from the young butt. wow.
Everyone keeps asking me I have applied for the young butt's job (he is moving to another department). I keep telling them no. But guess what I'm doing tonight? Filling out the application for the supervisor job. There are actually 2 openings. They are adding another supervisor.
I don't really want the job so much except it will pay my mortgage.
And then this girl came on AGT and told the back story of having terrible panic attacks and for years could not leave her house and have a normal life. But music had helped her. I was watching her parents more than her. The sheer happiness...holding their breath...hopeful...elated. I had listened to what they had to say about how they felt when these panic attacks, etc happened to their daughter. I can relate. I can relate to how they were feeling during her performance. I began to cry...uncontrollably. It all came rushing in on me.
All the years with supporting my son, trying to find help for him, wondering if he would ever be able to have a 'normal' existence...while battling it out with his narrow minded, butt of a father...whom I had bolstered and supported as he fought off the drug addiction. And here I am sitting...53 years old, worrying about my future, pinching my pennies. In a position I had not imagined for myself just a mere 30 years ago.
I will have a few more good cries then gather myself up and move forward into my new future knowing that God is in control and He will take care of me. I don't need Troy. I never needed him but I was too insecure and faithless to walk away.
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