Still busy with job applications. Right now I would be happy with a part-time job at Wal-mart! I was kinda hoping that the summer would yield a teaching-type gig with one of the many kiddie care places around here...you know, to work with the school aged kids they will be inundated with once the last day of school hits. Nothing so far.
Jr. has had a FEW job interviews. Nothing that has yielded him a job, either.
Nothing much really going on with my life right now. I had to get myself some books for the brain. Not that they are heavy with new things to learn. They just give your brain something to think about a bit. My daughter seems to have the same kind of 'thinker' that I do. I lent her my book "The Geography of Bliss" and she seems to be enjoying it as much as I did. She wants to borrow my Malcolm Gladwell books next.
I am trying NOT to think about what my son may be up to at this point. He seems to be doing well in his classes and getting his work/projects done. But that 'love interest' that he has had for the past year and a half is no more. Especially after I told her mom to put a sock in it and told the girl I really did not want all the drama and, besides, while I didn't mind their friendship, anything beyond that I really did not approve of...although they are both over 18 and I can't REALLY do anything much about it but let her know my feelings about it. She told TJ that she thought it would be best if they waited until they both finished college in about 2 years then try to work things out then. He said, "yeah...like THAT'S going to happen." What I am worried about now is this...he has a NEED to always feel like there is some female that is interested in him. I worry WHAT he will dig up next. His track record with picking female love interests has been about as bad as they come. All I can do is pray and TRY not to worry about it. My mom would tell me I am borrowing trouble. She of all ppl should know better than to tell me that...after all, she raised my brother AND my oldest sister. No details needed. Then again...she raised me. wow...nuff said.
I am waiting for the next change. In the meantime I am watching what I eat and exercising. I am really liking that new strength training machine in the basement. My back and shoulder muscles especially need strengthening. I work on all the other muscle groups, too. I also put in some good cardio time. I just want to shed this extra outer wear. I have lost 10 pounds. Sad little amount but I keep trying.
I get to pick up the new bikes sometime this week. Thursday looks like the best chance...no rain. Not sure when exactly we will get to USE these bikes. The weather can't be crappy ALL year, can it???
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
I Am the Volcano
All these years and all of this time spent dancing around everyone else...trying to understand everyone else...making excuses...trying to 'fix' other ppl's problems. All of that to avoid ME.
I avoid thinkiing about things that happened to me in the past and dealing with the emotional/mental backlash. It deepened my anxiety...it drove me first to anorexia (control...needed to feel in control of what happened to me) and when anorexia didn't work...I ate. And ate. I guess the key was to bury my feelings and thoughts and make myself as unattractive as I could.
But...you know....I realized that I don't want to be killing myself. I found that people still like me and, after going to that stupid class reunion, I also found that guys still hit on me. Why? I have no freakin' clue. I think THOSE guys hit on me becuz they have some 30 year old image of me from HS and can't see the reality. They know I was a 'good girl' in HS but I'm older now and becuz they all are feeling their mid-life crisis then surely I must be too and the 'good girl' thing is blown cuz...well...after all...I have kids.
So...I want to feel good about looking at myself in the mirror. I want to be the REAL me...screw my head on straight...walk straight and don't deviate. Live by the code that got me through school and other parts of my life as safely and un-anxious as possible: "If you step out of line JUST ONCE, you will get caught. Do the right thing and you have nothing to worry about."
I ran all over that map and now it is time to be a logical, rational person...with a weird sense of humor.
Time to strip off this armor of 'extra me'. Which I am working at...the right way. Slowly but surely. Altho, I am kinda wishing the 'slowly' part wasn't quite so slowly.
I have to quit blaming myself for everything that happened to me in the past. Sure, maybe some of it could have been avoided...maybe not. I trusted way more than I should have. But that is part of who I am. I give ppl the benefit of the doubt. I just don't trust EVERYONE like I used to...and I might check somethings out more than I used to...but that is only using some common sense.
Hey...live and learn. If you don't learn, you can't live.
I avoid thinkiing about things that happened to me in the past and dealing with the emotional/mental backlash. It deepened my anxiety...it drove me first to anorexia (control...needed to feel in control of what happened to me) and when anorexia didn't work...I ate. And ate. I guess the key was to bury my feelings and thoughts and make myself as unattractive as I could.
But...you know....I realized that I don't want to be killing myself. I found that people still like me and, after going to that stupid class reunion, I also found that guys still hit on me. Why? I have no freakin' clue. I think THOSE guys hit on me becuz they have some 30 year old image of me from HS and can't see the reality. They know I was a 'good girl' in HS but I'm older now and becuz they all are feeling their mid-life crisis then surely I must be too and the 'good girl' thing is blown cuz...well...after all...I have kids.
So...I want to feel good about looking at myself in the mirror. I want to be the REAL me...screw my head on straight...walk straight and don't deviate. Live by the code that got me through school and other parts of my life as safely and un-anxious as possible: "If you step out of line JUST ONCE, you will get caught. Do the right thing and you have nothing to worry about."
I ran all over that map and now it is time to be a logical, rational person...with a weird sense of humor.
Time to strip off this armor of 'extra me'. Which I am working at...the right way. Slowly but surely. Altho, I am kinda wishing the 'slowly' part wasn't quite so slowly.
I have to quit blaming myself for everything that happened to me in the past. Sure, maybe some of it could have been avoided...maybe not. I trusted way more than I should have. But that is part of who I am. I give ppl the benefit of the doubt. I just don't trust EVERYONE like I used to...and I might check somethings out more than I used to...but that is only using some common sense.
Hey...live and learn. If you don't learn, you can't live.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Excuse Me but You Have a Grudge Hanging...
RE: Last post: In Addition To...
I was discussing things with a friend. One that has been on many sides of the box...in, out, under, on top, etc. A friend with a level head and doesn't mind turning a mirror on me.
I may not appreciate some comments or looking at my reflection at the time, but I try really hard not to get too defensive and argumentative. I try not to get angry and feel hurt. I look at it one of two ways: 1) either the person really doesn't know the whole story of many years in the making, all the drama that goes with it, and I just ignore what they say to me without malice, OR, 2) the person is being a REAL friend and trying to help me through a situation that they know the whole story about and aren't afraid to be REAL with me. I can take it.
So here's the thing....my son was wrong. I am not saying the whole thing was his fault or that he was ALL wrong. He had been already having a bad time that day, that he had not thus far shared with us, AND Dad had been reading him the riot act for 3-4 days in a row...his anxiety level just burst and he went off. I can get that to a certain extent. However, he was the one that said a lot A LOT of things that just shocked the stuffing out of me and he kept pushing his dad's buttons and pushing and Dad WAS really really trying to keep himself under control. Jr. was the one that started hitting...until Dad grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall. He let go right away.
They apologized to each other later...like it really changed anything. However, I was the one caught in the crossfire. Troy wouldn't speak to me hardly for 2 days. He said he was angry at me for not backing him up...not taking Jr. off and settling him down.
At first that really burned me up. After all, I didn't start it, I didn't engage in it...but...I am the mom. And Jr. is a kid. A 20 year old kid...but a kid. Who lives under our roof. Troy has been trying to be better. Maybe I think he should try harder BUT he perhaps is trying as hard as he can. I should be doing more about Jr...and I should not leave Troy out there to hang on his own, either.
I realized something else that isn't so pretty about me. I still carry a lot of hurt and anger over what he has put us through on various occassions. I still hold it against him for leaving me on MY own...not sticking up for me with his 'buddies' early in our marriage, picking time with his friends over time with us, etc. I am still holding on to that grudge. I can never heal if I continue to hang on to it.
People have often asked if a couple/relationship can ever truly heal after certain kinds of hurt. The irony is...I'm not sure we ever had a REAL relationship. So, the only place ours has to go is to get better...or just leave it in a heap and walk away.
I traveled to Wichita and back with Troy these last few days. Stood by him as he faced whatever punishment was coming his way from the DUI. He did well. His punishment is all of our punishment since it will take money from the family budget for the next 3 months. But it will not go on his record. He can argue that it is technically HIS money since HE earned it...but it is the money that is used to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And I will manage, somehow. I usually do....with lots of help from God.
After the trip...all those hours in the car...being nearly run off the road 4-5 times by semi's that really don't give a honk if you are in the lane they want to be in NOW...putting up with drivers with a one track mind or no mind at all...I have a whole new perspective of what he goes through and puts up with.
I could whine that it is always me putting myself in everyone else's shoes to understand what they feel like...yet I don't seem to get the same back. BUT, 1) whining does no good, 2) not everyone is made like me. This is who I am. And I need to kick my son's butt more and figure out how to let go of a grudge.
I was discussing things with a friend. One that has been on many sides of the box...in, out, under, on top, etc. A friend with a level head and doesn't mind turning a mirror on me.
I may not appreciate some comments or looking at my reflection at the time, but I try really hard not to get too defensive and argumentative. I try not to get angry and feel hurt. I look at it one of two ways: 1) either the person really doesn't know the whole story of many years in the making, all the drama that goes with it, and I just ignore what they say to me without malice, OR, 2) the person is being a REAL friend and trying to help me through a situation that they know the whole story about and aren't afraid to be REAL with me. I can take it.
So here's the thing....my son was wrong. I am not saying the whole thing was his fault or that he was ALL wrong. He had been already having a bad time that day, that he had not thus far shared with us, AND Dad had been reading him the riot act for 3-4 days in a row...his anxiety level just burst and he went off. I can get that to a certain extent. However, he was the one that said a lot A LOT of things that just shocked the stuffing out of me and he kept pushing his dad's buttons and pushing and Dad WAS really really trying to keep himself under control. Jr. was the one that started hitting...until Dad grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall. He let go right away.
They apologized to each other later...like it really changed anything. However, I was the one caught in the crossfire. Troy wouldn't speak to me hardly for 2 days. He said he was angry at me for not backing him up...not taking Jr. off and settling him down.
At first that really burned me up. After all, I didn't start it, I didn't engage in it...but...I am the mom. And Jr. is a kid. A 20 year old kid...but a kid. Who lives under our roof. Troy has been trying to be better. Maybe I think he should try harder BUT he perhaps is trying as hard as he can. I should be doing more about Jr...and I should not leave Troy out there to hang on his own, either.
I realized something else that isn't so pretty about me. I still carry a lot of hurt and anger over what he has put us through on various occassions. I still hold it against him for leaving me on MY own...not sticking up for me with his 'buddies' early in our marriage, picking time with his friends over time with us, etc. I am still holding on to that grudge. I can never heal if I continue to hang on to it.
People have often asked if a couple/relationship can ever truly heal after certain kinds of hurt. The irony is...I'm not sure we ever had a REAL relationship. So, the only place ours has to go is to get better...or just leave it in a heap and walk away.
I traveled to Wichita and back with Troy these last few days. Stood by him as he faced whatever punishment was coming his way from the DUI. He did well. His punishment is all of our punishment since it will take money from the family budget for the next 3 months. But it will not go on his record. He can argue that it is technically HIS money since HE earned it...but it is the money that is used to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And I will manage, somehow. I usually do....with lots of help from God.
After the trip...all those hours in the car...being nearly run off the road 4-5 times by semi's that really don't give a honk if you are in the lane they want to be in NOW...putting up with drivers with a one track mind or no mind at all...I have a whole new perspective of what he goes through and puts up with.
I could whine that it is always me putting myself in everyone else's shoes to understand what they feel like...yet I don't seem to get the same back. BUT, 1) whining does no good, 2) not everyone is made like me. This is who I am. And I need to kick my son's butt more and figure out how to let go of a grudge.
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