My Own Worst Enemy

I pray and listen.  I believe that my thoughts during those moments are directed by God.  He knows me better than I know myself.  He understands that I need to understand. He also knows that I pray each day to clean out the feelings of anger and hurt.  Ironically, the first step to getting rid of anger and hurt is to shift it.

My latest 'revelations':  Evil Spawn keeps telling me that perhaps someday we can be friends...BUT...I was never his friend to begin with.  I knocked myself out trying to make him my friend.  He never considered me his friend. 

I am finding that I am not so angry with him.  I am angry with me.  I am angry that I kept trying to believe in a person that he wasn't.  That I am angry at me for feeling so very deeply about, and being so deeply concerned about someone that did not know how to feel or care deeply about anyone else.  I am angry that I ultimately caused my own hurt.

I made excuses for him.  Those excuses may be real and legitimate but those excuses did not change who he is.  I can forgive him because he is only being who he always was. 

The hard part is forgiving me for putting myself through it.  I did it to myself.

The hard part is forgetting how I allowed him to LET me feel like less than I am.

Now it is time for me to TRY and forgive myself for not valuing myself.  I am who I am and who I am is not so bad.  I need to continue working on giving myself that forgiveness.  I need to continue trying to forgive myself for trying so hard to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear....trying to put lipstick on a pig.  It never was what I wanted.  He was the one that never allowed himself to feel...he is the one that kept ME out.  He never could see how I cared/loved him.  Mostly, he never allowed himself to care about anyone...not even himself.

My heart aches for people like him...but I cannot let it be personal anymore.  I knocked myself out for 25 years and it has all got to be in God's hands.

As a side note...the nickname for my ex is something that makes me giggle.  I really do not think he is Evil.  He just has a closed heart.