Sitting here watching a sad movie..."Now Is Good". I realized something...why I am depressed...why I just quit on my marriage.
No, I did not quit because he spent most of his free time away from work hanging out with his friends and showing up just to sleep and occassionally grab something to eat...and complain that I was tired. No, I did not give up because he yelled about things most of the time and never really took the time to understand anyone in his family. No, I did not give up because he started smoking crack, lost his job, left us by ourselves, took us into bankruptcy. Actually, what I did admire was that he pulled himself out of that and got back on his feet. yes...admire...in a twisted way.
I gave up because there was no intimacy. He had no idea how to do it..even though I talked to him about it for years. He said he didn't know what to do to make me happy. Well...no one can MAKE me happy however, there are things that would help me feel closer and more secure...like I mattered.
There was 2 things I wanted: sex BEFORE 11 (cuz by 11 I'm fading and I am a morning person) AND to sit with his arms around me..HOLDING me...without it ALWAYS turning into a grope fest. I just started ducking out on it altogether. Ironically he complained that I didn't hug him. I WANTED to hug him...but I wanted a HUG.
Also, I did not appreciate being talked to half the time like the help. AND he didn't understand what I meant when I asked him if there was anything I did correct...in his eyes.
It is sad when his offspring get it...but he does not know what WE are talking about.
I talked to him yesterday and said, "perhaps tomorrow morning it will be dry enough to mow the lawn." He said, "you haven't mowed the lawn yet???" wow...he's in Wichita and still not happy. Pardon me bu-u-u-dy but it has been RAINING! Had a stream running down the road earlier. My sister said she had a moat around HER house. It will get mowed when it gets mowed.
My first fiance wasn't much better.
I really am not a bad person. May not be the neatest person on earth. But I do what I can do and try to take care of the ones in my life. I have a weird sense of humor but I use it to defuse tense situations...or just because something hits me sideways and I find it completely idiotic. But...that is me. I sometimes go off in a last minute manic direction with something like Laurelei Gilmore. None of that makes me a bad person...and I would just LOVE to have found someone that found me to be just fine they way I am and not get irritated by me and make me feel bad about who I am. That never happened.
Too late now. Not because I'm dying but because I would not care to even try to FIND someone anymore. I just really do...not...care. I am where I am and it is what it is.
I tried to make adjustments to what he wanted...how we dealt with each other inside and outside the bedroom...and how I took care of everything else around the house and with the family. He did not listen to me. But....it's my fault. I'll take it.
Life is my fault. I still want to sit on the couch, with someone's arms around me while watching a goofy movie. Looks like I'll have to settle for a sweater.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Fireworks
I can see the fireworks from my sunroom. They set them off at the city park a couple of blocks away. But I didn't watch them this year. I stayed in the house, shut the windows and turned the air conditioner on. I was the only one here with the dogs...and they are all very scared of the fireworks. They could still hear the booming and sat at my feet and shivered for the half hour they lasted.
I texted with my son to find out what their day was like at the grandparents'. He told me they all went to the spillway (half hour ride). It is loaded with so many fish it is like a fish carpet. Then he told me they were going to a popular local pizza place fashioned out of an old covered bridge called "Covered Bridge Pizza". Imagine that. THEN he said they were going to Geneva-on-the-Lake. That kinda scared me. I hung out there on summer nights with friends when I had graduated from school. There was a biker bar at each end of the strip then but in between was a Dairy Queen, bingo parlor, go carts, mini-golf and a video game arcade. Things have changed drastically since then and I really do not know what to expect of that place anymore. I told him to keep the girls close because it is full of bikers and drugs. I know not all bikers are nasty...I know quite a few bikers. And I know enough of them to know the odds are that a biker can't be trusted around your cute young daughter.
So, with that bit of knowledge from my son concerning their agenda for the evening, when my mother called me crying my heart sank. "MOM! WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT HAPPENED?" Then she told me that one of my cousins had called...so I thought 'Aunt Joy died?' but no...Aunt Joy's oldest son had died...suddenly...no warning. Massive heart attack and gone. After my mother settled down, I had to tell her that while I feel badly about cousin Greg, she gave ME a heart attack calling me up crying when my kids were THERE and I immediately thought something had happened to one of them!
I can't imagine what Aunt Joy must be feeling. Her husband died about 3 years ago. Now her oldest son. Aunt Joy is about 85...or 6. Possibly a bit older. I lose track. Kinda wondering how she is taking the news. This may be the thing that puts her under.
As for me...I'm still feeling drained. Emotionally, physically. I am SO TIRED of the anxiety/depression phases! I want some joie de vivre!
Dear God...I know you listen...and I know you are working on my life. But could you fill me with a little joie de vivre? I want to know what that is. I know that the lineage from which I come was not exactly hard wired for such a thing BUT You are able to do anything. So, please, send me some. And, not to be greedy, but could you send me a year's supply..with an automatic refill? Thank you for listening...and thank you in advance for hooking me up.
I texted with my son to find out what their day was like at the grandparents'. He told me they all went to the spillway (half hour ride). It is loaded with so many fish it is like a fish carpet. Then he told me they were going to a popular local pizza place fashioned out of an old covered bridge called "Covered Bridge Pizza". Imagine that. THEN he said they were going to Geneva-on-the-Lake. That kinda scared me. I hung out there on summer nights with friends when I had graduated from school. There was a biker bar at each end of the strip then but in between was a Dairy Queen, bingo parlor, go carts, mini-golf and a video game arcade. Things have changed drastically since then and I really do not know what to expect of that place anymore. I told him to keep the girls close because it is full of bikers and drugs. I know not all bikers are nasty...I know quite a few bikers. And I know enough of them to know the odds are that a biker can't be trusted around your cute young daughter.
So, with that bit of knowledge from my son concerning their agenda for the evening, when my mother called me crying my heart sank. "MOM! WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT HAPPENED?" Then she told me that one of my cousins had called...so I thought 'Aunt Joy died?' but no...Aunt Joy's oldest son had died...suddenly...no warning. Massive heart attack and gone. After my mother settled down, I had to tell her that while I feel badly about cousin Greg, she gave ME a heart attack calling me up crying when my kids were THERE and I immediately thought something had happened to one of them!
I can't imagine what Aunt Joy must be feeling. Her husband died about 3 years ago. Now her oldest son. Aunt Joy is about 85...or 6. Possibly a bit older. I lose track. Kinda wondering how she is taking the news. This may be the thing that puts her under.
As for me...I'm still feeling drained. Emotionally, physically. I am SO TIRED of the anxiety/depression phases! I want some joie de vivre!
Dear God...I know you listen...and I know you are working on my life. But could you fill me with a little joie de vivre? I want to know what that is. I know that the lineage from which I come was not exactly hard wired for such a thing BUT You are able to do anything. So, please, send me some. And, not to be greedy, but could you send me a year's supply..with an automatic refill? Thank you for listening...and thank you in advance for hooking me up.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Hell Freezes Over...The Eagles
That moment. That moment when you realize that 30 years have gone by and there were so many meandering roads you took from the main road that you have ended up somewhere you don't recognize.
I fought so hard to keep it all together and kept putting myself on the back burner...and I really don't regret it. I don't. It was my choice. And while it may be difficult trying to get myself up to speed in this world again, as long as I can keep moving forward and keep trying, then I know I'm not dead yet.
Things are weird at work. People have been getting fired and 'walked out'. First it was our floor...just a very few there. The next week it was the first floor management and contractors. The day before the axe fell on the management, the manager of our department called me into his office. I thought, 'great...now I won't even have a part time job." Instead, he offered me a fulltime position and asked me if I could begin right away. So, I did.
I really like most of the people I work with. Even the stuck up be-otch that works on the supervisor platform has actually started speaking to me. ha! And Taylor Swift has lunch the same time I do and heaven knows why she likes me but she waits to corner me in the lunch room so that she can share that hour with me.
Troy is now in Wichita. I ordered furniture, a vacuum, and kitchen ware and had it delivered so when he got there he would be able to settle in. His apartment is in a complex on a golf course. It is gated. And he left here knowing that our relationship is stalled. He gave up...I gave up. We are...not sure what. Friends? I care about him and what happens to him. I take care of him...still. I did things around here as he wanted them. Just to keep the peace. He did things to help out and give me some clue that he cared about me. But we lost that intimacy. It/s as if we are moving around each other...going through motions.
And now he is gone. He left 2 days ago. We have talked on the phone. I cried most of the night the night he left. I barely made it through work the next day. I'm sad that things have ended up this way. I'm scared because I don't know why I feel SO bad! Or am I scared because it is wide open and I really don't know what to expect?
A few things God has taught me all of these years...there is no plan and there is no way of skipping ahead or getting somewhere FAST. well, God has a plan but it really doesn't do any good to make your own plans. They will be put through a blender and when you get them out, it is a mess. Plain and simple.
SO...having learned all of that, I take a deep breath and try NOT to figure it out. The path will appear before me, one brick at a time, like magic. All I have to do is breathe.
I know what I would like to do, to a certain extent.
Out of habit, when I came home from work yesterday, I started to do something not because it is what I wanted to do, but because it was something that Troy wanted to be done, in a certain way. Then I stopped myself and thought, "he's not here and it doesn't matter." There will be lots of moments like that.
Today on FB, I had two chats going at once. The ironic part of it was that I was basically giving the same advice to both ppl. It was my son TJ and my best friend Jackie. She couldn't figure out why a guy that she had spent 5 years of her life with, then tossed her out, would barely look at her while his family were so nice and treated her like family. Why she felt guilty about anything...what she had done.
In the other chat my son is lamenting over not having a steady gf and he is in a hurry to get his life started. And I had to tell him that life is not a race. God has plans for him and he has to learn to enjoy those around him and not let his 'misery' steal his time.
As for Jackie...told her if she felt guilt she was doing it. That guy is unhappy with himself and lets it kill the light around him. As for his family, they like her, despite him. And she needs to accept that.
The thing I told them both? "that relationship was not the right one. You have to accept that and let go of it. It was a learning experience. Open your eyes to what is around them and expect there will be something good waiting for you."
As for me, I feel like there will be something else, yet. Notice I didn't say someONE else. Not sure if that is going to happen. It may...may not. I have time now to figure me out and heal ME. Will pray that I keep my eyes open so that I may see which path to take.
I have sadness..feel defeat. BUT I have to let the joy rise to the top. Learn to feel the joy of everyday ppl and things. Try not to let the changes pull me into the deepness.
I fought so hard to keep it all together and kept putting myself on the back burner...and I really don't regret it. I don't. It was my choice. And while it may be difficult trying to get myself up to speed in this world again, as long as I can keep moving forward and keep trying, then I know I'm not dead yet.
Things are weird at work. People have been getting fired and 'walked out'. First it was our floor...just a very few there. The next week it was the first floor management and contractors. The day before the axe fell on the management, the manager of our department called me into his office. I thought, 'great...now I won't even have a part time job." Instead, he offered me a fulltime position and asked me if I could begin right away. So, I did.
I really like most of the people I work with. Even the stuck up be-otch that works on the supervisor platform has actually started speaking to me. ha! And Taylor Swift has lunch the same time I do and heaven knows why she likes me but she waits to corner me in the lunch room so that she can share that hour with me.
Troy is now in Wichita. I ordered furniture, a vacuum, and kitchen ware and had it delivered so when he got there he would be able to settle in. His apartment is in a complex on a golf course. It is gated. And he left here knowing that our relationship is stalled. He gave up...I gave up. We are...not sure what. Friends? I care about him and what happens to him. I take care of him...still. I did things around here as he wanted them. Just to keep the peace. He did things to help out and give me some clue that he cared about me. But we lost that intimacy. It/s as if we are moving around each other...going through motions.
And now he is gone. He left 2 days ago. We have talked on the phone. I cried most of the night the night he left. I barely made it through work the next day. I'm sad that things have ended up this way. I'm scared because I don't know why I feel SO bad! Or am I scared because it is wide open and I really don't know what to expect?
A few things God has taught me all of these years...there is no plan and there is no way of skipping ahead or getting somewhere FAST. well, God has a plan but it really doesn't do any good to make your own plans. They will be put through a blender and when you get them out, it is a mess. Plain and simple.
SO...having learned all of that, I take a deep breath and try NOT to figure it out. The path will appear before me, one brick at a time, like magic. All I have to do is breathe.
I know what I would like to do, to a certain extent.
Out of habit, when I came home from work yesterday, I started to do something not because it is what I wanted to do, but because it was something that Troy wanted to be done, in a certain way. Then I stopped myself and thought, "he's not here and it doesn't matter." There will be lots of moments like that.
Today on FB, I had two chats going at once. The ironic part of it was that I was basically giving the same advice to both ppl. It was my son TJ and my best friend Jackie. She couldn't figure out why a guy that she had spent 5 years of her life with, then tossed her out, would barely look at her while his family were so nice and treated her like family. Why she felt guilty about anything...what she had done.
In the other chat my son is lamenting over not having a steady gf and he is in a hurry to get his life started. And I had to tell him that life is not a race. God has plans for him and he has to learn to enjoy those around him and not let his 'misery' steal his time.
As for Jackie...told her if she felt guilt she was doing it. That guy is unhappy with himself and lets it kill the light around him. As for his family, they like her, despite him. And she needs to accept that.
The thing I told them both? "that relationship was not the right one. You have to accept that and let go of it. It was a learning experience. Open your eyes to what is around them and expect there will be something good waiting for you."
As for me, I feel like there will be something else, yet. Notice I didn't say someONE else. Not sure if that is going to happen. It may...may not. I have time now to figure me out and heal ME. Will pray that I keep my eyes open so that I may see which path to take.
I have sadness..feel defeat. BUT I have to let the joy rise to the top. Learn to feel the joy of everyday ppl and things. Try not to let the changes pull me into the deepness.
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