Listen up

I have gone through a lot of changes and inner rearranging.

I have been feeling better about myself in a lot of ways.  While I know I am definitely not perfect, and I sometimes react badly to some things and people, I will not beat myself up over it. 

I love my mother.  She has always been there for us. She has sacrificed for all of us. But has always had a desire to have things a certain way.  She has her opinions about things and they are always the right and only ones.  She manipulates.  It has been a fine line with my mom.

Then I married the narcissist.  It was a constant struggle trying to hold my ground and not be totally undermined.  I have let that marriage and what he is sink in in stages.  The latest stage is realizing that he never loved me...didn't really like anything about me...I was just someone that was an inconvenience in his life.  All because I made a choice.  And then I made another choice.  My kids.  I stayed to protect them.  I know some people think that was not a REAL choice to make but I could not let my kids spend weekends being tortured by him (psychological but there was some physical acting out) with no one there to help them. 

It took quite a while for me to feel comfortable with myself and realizing that I am capable.

I have come to know myself quite well and like making my own decisions.  They may not always be the best but I know what works for me.  I may be wired a bit differently from everyone else. 

My mother seems to be, at 85, beginning that dementia dive that her siblings did.  She called me the other day and told me, in a very angry tone, all the things that are wrong with family members and what my kids should be doing and what I should tell them....to which I told her that I am not telling my adult kids what decisions they should make about things in their lives. 

And I don't like be told with whom I should associate...at my age.  I went through this already with her when I was a teenager.

I am not sure I am ready to handle this.  I laid in bed for hours this morning just realizing "I am alone".  My older sister TELLS me what to think and do, also.  I ignore her.  I can't discuss things with anyone anymore without them telling me how I am wrong...what I should think...do...and while I can ignore some of them...this is not where I wanted to be. 

 

Giving

The worst part of divorce...when you are the one being divorced...

You ar ed essentially being told that you do not matter...you are not important...everything else is important...Mort important than you.

It is not having him in my life that bothers me.  He is a deeply messed up human being.  It is the fact that even though he was...is...messed up, I treated him like he mattered.  He treated me like I was a big inconvenience.

And I know that because he is a deeply messed up person that it is not me but my psyche can't seem to process that properly. 

I can only keep trying to salvage myself.

What's That I Feel...Is Someone Happy to See Me?

No...not a guy in my life.  ha ha!

I have been feeling ridiculously happy...not ABOUT anything.  Just not like I am dwelling in a hole somewhere. 

I have been doing a "partial" water fast.  It's partial because I do not do it for 24 hours at a time.  I drink LOTS of water...some with pink Himilayan salt and some with organic apple cider vinegar and some with nothing.  I also drink my coffee in the morning.  I take my supplements...magnesium, potassium, tumeric, D3, iron (every 3 days), B12 and panax ginseng.  I refer to it as breakfast.  Then I eat once...sensibly.  No sugar. 

Why am I doing this?  Because I am tired of the nerve/joint pain and the pain in my left heel.  The pain is starting to disappear and my brain fog is clearing a little.  So...it's a good thing.  The down side is I pee...A LOT.  ha ha!

I am still trying to get the weeds taken care of around here.  The weather is not cooperating.  I bought a ton of bushes for around my house and plants for my hanging baskets and flower pots.  I have a vision for the front of my house.  I just need the time...and umph.  I need new railing on my front steps....they took it off and I don't know why.  I have to undo all the terribleness that they did to the house.  My new roof looks really good though.  It helps lift the look of the house. Makes it look less hovel-like.  I am short but I am not a Hobbit.  Hobbit Hovel...ha ha. (no, I am not drunk)

Today was a day to make me thankful that I have not yet started the descent into the recesses of alzheimers or dementia.  I was spinning...at my computer.  Calls, classes, emails, posting notes, helping my son update his resume...You know how it is. You wake up and think you only have a certain number of things to do and before 9 a.m. it has suddenly doubled and other interruptions come along too.

My son has decided to try and come out of his comfort zone and try for a job that he knows nothing about.  It is a really good company...he is going to try sales.  They are a logistics company.  He didn't even really know what logistics is!  ha!  I had to describe it to him then I told him to call his uncle (my brother) because that is part of what he does for his company.  And I told him to do his research on the company.  He has a friend from his church that has a small marketing company that he has asked to help him prepare for the interview.  Oh, yeah...he has an interview.

He said he had a feeling on Monday that something good was going to happen this week. Then this company called him yesterday to set up a phone interview.  I am not sure if this is THE job for him but we will see.

Okay...energy level is low.  I am keeping Sr. Citizen hours...bed by 9, up extremely early in the morning.  Lucy doesn't seem to mind either.  We play chase in the driveway at least once a day.