How does one TAKE care? Is it impolite just to TAKE it? Is it laying out in the open and you snatch it when no one is looking? I am not sure I would know 'care' if I saw it, therefore, I do not know what I should be taking...
Okay. Those 2 words just started bothering me. It doesn't sound right.
I spent 4 days 'back home'. I took the last 3 days of the floating vacation I had from last Jan.-June that I had not used and shut it down. Well...I did not shut it down totally. My work email pops up on my phone and Thursday and Friday I got quite a bit. Ppl did not know I was on vacation and I was not allowed to put an auto reply on it BECAUSE I was not supposed to be on vacation. I had vacay days left over because there was a screw up...a happy screw up. Normally, the floating vacations should have been used up before August. I had saved a week to use in July. Then the beginning of June they announced that we were going to be given 3 out of 4 weeks off in July with pay. But we HAD to work one week in July. No problem except I had a week of vacay and nowhere to put it. Heidi told use we could sprinkle it throughout the fall BUT we could not show it on our time sheets and we could not put a notice on our answering machine or in our email. So...I got lots of emails with coworkers asking me things that I could not leave them hanging about. Cuz...I couldn't.
ANYWAY, I had a good time. It seemed relaxing. My daughter and her boyfriend were there Thursday and part of Friday. My son and his fiancee were there Friday-Sunday. Thursday my parents, Bethany, Jordan and I went out to the Pymatuning Lake park, which is just across the PA line. It has a fish hatchery and the large mouth bass are so plentiful, the mallard ducks walk on them.
The scenery is beautiful. We spent the large part of the day driving through the countryside and we stopped at an Amish store. Ended the excursion at the Covered Bridge pizza parlor (it really is made out of an old covered bridge). The next morning, TJ, Bethany, Jordan and I went to a new coffee house that had opened. It IS a house. And old one that no one wanted to buy because it is supposedly haunted. So a church bought it and turned it into a coffee house from which they use the profits to stock their free food pantry. The coffee was strong enough to fuel your motor for a week. I like my coffee strong but that was...too much.
Later, Bethany and Jordan headed for home with a stop at a comedy club in Columbus on the way home. TJ and Brittany went out to dinner with an old school buddy of TJ's. I went out to dinner with an old school friend of mine. I have known her since kindergarten. She is excited for me to move back towards home. She is the one whose husband died 2 weeks after I was officially divorced.
She and I had a good time. We had SO many years to catch up on!!
Saturday, TJ, Brittany, my parents and I headed out for the Covered Bridge festival. We visited few covered bridges. At one of them I met up with another old school friend (friends since 4th grade) and it was really great seeing her! She also got excited that I will be 'back home' in a couple of years and has started planning things we can do together. And then at the actual Festival in the town of our county seat I ran into yet another childhood friend (since 6th grade). She lives in Florida now...remarried after the love of her life died from cancer. She was helping out a friend that was running the festival. She was driving by on a golf cart, delivering things to booths, etc. She had slowed down by me and I yelled, VICKY! She saw me, stopped and yelled, JUMP IN! which I did and off we went. She made me promise to come down and visit in the spring....free room and board and a visit to see the Manatees. She also told me that she had always admired me...that I seemed so smart and confident and had so many friends. Me? Are we talking about the same person? I told her that I was a big ball of anxiety ALL the time and never felt like I was all that close with anyone. Funny how our perception of ourselves never really matches up with that of others.
I felt a big boost of...happiness? I am not sure what the feeling was but it was mixed with surprise/amazement. A friend said, "you are actually pretty kewl once the noises from his rhetoric and demeaning escapes your head". I read that and the very first thought that popped up in my head was, "It started long before HIM." and I was shocked that I had thought that. Then...it was clear.
My parents are marvelous ppl. They are hard workers and have always been there for their kids. They have sacrificed to make sure we had a good life and were well taken care of. However...on the flip side...they are super critical of everyone around them. They like no one because no one is perfect. Us kids grew up realizing that no matter who we are, what we do, we are never going to live up to what they expect and we will never make them happy.
It was right then..in that moment I realized I have been walking on eggshells and dancing around the edge of that volcano all my life.
When I got ready to leave...TJ and Brittany had just left before me...my parents, who had seemed happy to visit with their grandkids...cornered me and told me that they are too old to handle all of the comings and goings. We stayed too long. It nerves them up and then...I heard it. THEY are not used to Brittany and she makes them uncomfortable. OF COURSE she does.
My mother has never liked anyone that is not immediately part of her family. Heck, she barely seems to like US. Brittany could not have been nicer or tried harder.
I left there and felt crappy all the way home and the next day, which was the last day of my vacay. And my conclusion? 'Screw it". They have only gotten worse with age. I appreciate the life they gave me growing up but they have messed with my head and my perception of myself. My mother criticized my friends, my wardrobe, and if I gained weight. She made remarks to all of us girls about our weight when we were in elementary school because we were all chubby then. It was embarrassing to her because she felt that her sisters made fun of us. We could never have friends over because she could not stand all of the giggling. She and dad bickered constantly and I had to joke around just to lighten the mood for everyone and make them stop.
And heaven forbid if you ever did anything that went sideways with her...she would complain and yell about it ALL DAY.
Then...I married a male version of that. And my kids lived through it with him. The difference...I was their cheerleader. I bolstered them and guided them and never made them feel badly about their chubbiness when they were younger...I let them experiment with hair and clothes styles...I let them try things and QUIT if they didn't like it. I am sorry but I do NOT always agree with 'if you join, you can't quit...or you are a loser.' I believe that at a young age, they should have the freedom to TRY things. That is how they LEARN who they are and what they like! If you tell them they have to stick with it and can't quit, then they will be more hesitant to join ANYTHING.
But that is just me. I also took the time to DO things with them. So what if my house was not spotless. To this day, my mother's house is a museum. She works herself to the bone to make sure it is perfect. And it makes ME nervous.
I am glad that I do not live near them. My mother would hate my place. And now, I will listen to the voices of the friends that I met up with last weekend. No longer will I dance around the edge of that volcano for my parents or anyone else. I am me. And I am not so bad. I kinda like me.
