Now that I have had time to step back and process...things are not quite so horrible. sort of...not...quite.
My mother has the idea that I have...she may not ever have another tumor. She may go every month and get tested until the doctors decide it is a waste of time and resources.
As for my MIL, she is in a good rehab program but they have her on a feeding tube. She is all skin and bone, literally. It will be a long road for her. She will need determination. I know she is a strong woman deep down inside and she can do it.
I took my daughter to have the bump on her head examined. The doctor pronounced it to be non-cancerous but it is a dermoidal cyst that he says COULD get bigger and it is up to my daughter what she wants to do about it. She could wait until/if it grows then opt to have it removed. Or she could just have it removed now. It would take an outpatient operation since he said it would cause a mess of blood, as he put it. She is thinking of having it removed the end of July while she is on 2 week break between semesters. I told her she can make the decision in June.
I was sitting here tonight wishing I had a 'partner' with whom I could talk things over. Share my fears and disappointments. BUT my husband has never been anyone like that. He gets impatient and doesn't want to hear anything that is not happy and does not make his world better.
I have always had to quell the storm within and force the sunshine out. My son's anxiety had to be tempered and I had to be calm for him. I had to be calm to be the opposite of my husband's anger/loud bursts. I had to be calm so that my daughter could make it through the day and function. I have to be calm on the other end of the phone all day to help others feel like their problems can be solved and their world is not as desperate as they think. I have to be calm on my drive home in the nasty traffic while listening to my husband on the other end of the cell phone give me another loud lecture on how NOT to spend money. I give up half of my lunch time, and stay over every night they ask for volunteers just to earn some extra OT money...and I still get a lecture. Cuz I'm out throwing it into the wind just going on a spending spree. It's me and designer shoes and sparkly baubles.
I AM glad he fixed the electrical issues in the house. yeah.
I am clinically depressed. I have no interest in anything I used to want to do. I don't want to socialize with anyone. I barely talk to my family members (extended family that is) and I have no energy. I am not interested in anyone else.
For instance...the 'new' cube 'mate' next to me has a bag full of drugs. Prescription Rx. She showed me. She has more ailments than any medical journal can name. She told me that the other day she had reached her limit and cannot stand when ppl ask her to repeat herself. She had a lot of customers ask her to repeat herself and she wanted to beat someone up cuz she became full of rage. I just stood there not knowing what to say to that. She said, "I'm bipolar." AAllllllrighty then. Yay. Why don't you reach into your magic bag and take a lalaloopsy. Wash it down with some vodka.
She will be out for a bit cuz she had surgery today to remove her lady plumbing. I was nice and told her I hope it went smoothly and she healed quickly. But really...I didn't give a flying pig. Absolutely did not care. I have to FORCE myself to ask anyone how they are feeling, how they are doing...and that does kinda upset me. I am living my life by the "Not my Pig, not my barn" philosophy. and I am not proud of it or happy about it.
I did have the thought that I wish life was like an Idaho potato and you could cut out all of the rotten parts like they never existed.
No comments:
Post a Comment