Never Too Old to Learn

 I am my mother's daughter.  I am learning some things that my mom had to learn.  It's tough when you are used to being the one that takes care of everything and everyone.  You hover and deal.  You find your worth in making everyone else's life easier.  You don't know how to quit doing that.

I have had to step back from my son's life.  Things came to a head with my daughter in law.  I had no idea there was a problem but I really should have seen it.  She came to resent me very much.  My son was constantly running to me to vent and for advice.  I kept helping out with money and advice and giving them needed maintenance items for their new home.  I didn't know that there was a resentment that was growing within her to the point that when I drove down to see their new place, and I had a push mower and other items in tow, she went and stayed at her mom's and a huge fight happened between her and my son.  I was shocked and very hurt.  I felt as if I was getting kicked in the butt for all of my efforts over the years.  It still stings but I have to remind myself that it is not MY life.  

I left and came home.  She came back home.  I told my son that I was stepping back and letting them do what they needed to do to work things out.  He, at first, was upset...thinking that I was shunning him.  I explained that she resented me and if they were going to work it out, I needed to not be involved.  I was always out here but I just would not be lending assistance to them or advice.  They needed to live their own lives and figure it out.  He said he understood and that he needed to quit venting about her to others and just talk more to her.  I have barely heard anything out of him in 3 weeks.  He has called is sister once.  I just pray for him and have to have faith that they are working it out.

Work has been work.  I have been finding new ways of doing things.  I have also been resenting the co-workers that EXPECT me to do things for them when they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves.  

I am working on 2 college classes as once. They both end at the same time...right before winter break.  I was so looking forward to winter break but then I got a jury summons in the mail.  It begins on my winter break time.  I may not be chosen anyway because I have to return a questionnaire.  I have to do that today.  

So, my weekend is a mixture of household duties, college work and school work.  

The church is closed down because a large part of the attendees have been getting sick.  For some of them it was a positive test for COVID, for others it is just another type of flu or cold.  My brother tested positive for COVID but his wife tested negative.  He had an automatic 10 days off from work.  He has not been sick at all and he said he has gotten some much needed home maintenance done.  We pretty much feel he got a false positive and he's fine with it.  None of us that were around him have gotten sick either.  

Bethany is still working her job and God has given her good health.  Jordan is now delivering packages for FedEx instead of just loading trucks.  He is making more money doing delivery.  He says he is making connections that will help his mushroom business.  He may decide to stay where they are.  I would rather move back down that way but I have no friends down there.  I have a few aquaintences but no friends.  I liked the area better.  I will be looking to sell here this spring and move closer to the PA border where my family is.  If Bethany and Jordan go through with their plans this spring, too, they will be moving just on the other side of the PA border.  It is a better area for them.  My friends Susan's other son and DIL moved just the other side of the PA border, too, this summer.  

I have not had any contact with Susan since school started...other than text and a few phone calls.  Her mother fell and broke her arm and things were rather touch and go for them.  But, with some help from her older sister, Susan was able to maintain and her mom is now doing a lot better.  

Debbie had to be tested for COVID because of sick workers but she came out negative also.  She and her daughter managed to put up a wire mesh fenced area around the back of their house for her mom's 2 dogs.  She has found having a house keeps her busy on her days off from nursing.  It is a good thing.

Through everything, I have noticed that my sense of humor has dwindled to not much.  I have been figuring out new things about myself and have discovered that I am only a shell of who I thought I was.  I was going along being me and thinking I was okay when I keep finding out more and more that I was causing problems with people and I have found it all confusing.  Confusing or not, I have had to step back away from more and more people.  Me living my life has caused so much resentment and upset for so many people.  It hurts when you realize that you just being you upsets others so much that you just have to lose them.  I figure at some point I will just be alone.  

Okay...time to get my day started.  

Priorities and Goals

 Not everyone has the same priorities. Priorities line up with the type of person you are and how you intend to live your life.

That last line was, believe it or not, a billboard-in-my-head moment for me.  It should not have been something I already knew and I sure I did in the back of my mind but it is now out there hitting me in the face.

It brings things even more into focus for me.  The ego in us wants to know that we are a priority with someone.  We are disappointed when we are not a priority.  BUT, you have to consider the person and how they want to live their life.

If I had done that in my 20's, I would have not married the person I did.  I would have realized at that time he would not prioritize me...his marriage...his kids.  And I just mean he did not prioritize spending time and attention on any of that I mentioned.  He prioritized financially supporting us...the marriage. But his time was prioritized on HOW he wanted to live his life...time with his friends seeking 'fun'.

I am not saying I was/am perfect.  I am not prioritizing what I need to either...especially for the way I want to live my life.  

As far as friends and family I learned a long time ago that everyone has a lot going on in their lives around them and prioritizing their goals and family is what is important. I have never expected anyone to remember ANYTHING about me or my life.  I just naturally expect to have to remind/repeat.  My mother rights things on a calendar when any of us tell her anything special that is going on in our lives...even a doctor appointment. She wants to be 'present' for all of it.   And by that I mean she wants to be conscious of it, pray about it, ask about outcomes.  

I have a problem of being too focused on just my priorities.  I have tried to change that by consciously choosing to be more present for someone else.  I stop and make a mental note of what is going on in someone else's life that is of great concern to them.  I make a conscious effort to step out of my own 'head' and turn my attention on someone else.

My friend Debbie has a habit now of calling me and talking to me when she is driving home from her 12 hour shift of nursing.  She works 2-3 days a week.  She starts with laughingly saying, "I'm sorry I am driving!"  I had to tell her it is fine, I know why she does and it is different than my ex.  Once he moved to Kansas, the ONLY time he talked to me was when he was driving home from work.  I had my suspicions then and they were right....he had someone else at his place and therefore, he could not talk to me once he was home.  And certainly could not speak to me on the weekend then.  So, I guess she gets it now.  

My son will usually just call me when he is out away from his wife.  He has his own issues to deal with there.  Btw, he is signing the closing papers on his house on Monday, which is also his 30th bday. WHAT a bday present to himself!  His contract with McGraw Hill has been extended to at least January and they may end up hiring him fulltime. Even if they don't, he now has an office to be in at home where he can study for his IT cyber security certificates and get a better paying job.

Bethany talks to me every 3rd week.  Life passes by so fast, we just don't realize how much time has passed.  She texts with me.  I pray for her daily.  I have prioritized my concern and for my kids.  

I have also prioritized myself in that I will not stay on my computer working constantly. When 5 o'clock comes, with only a few exceptions, I will shut it off.  I refuse to do work on it on Saturday, which means, also unfortunately, that I may have to sit on on Sunday evening to get things ready for the week.  I will get to a point when the weather is awful, that I may do that work on Saturday mornings instead.  

But, being that it is Sunday morning, I need to do a different kind of prioritizing and get ready for church.

Time Flies Need Eradicated

 The school year has sort of started.  Kids haven't started but the rest of us have.  We did not have to go to the big family fun meeting place this year.  I was SO happy.  I HATE that place...so much confusion and it is COLD and the food sucks.  I don't like having to check the bed for bed bugs.  uck!

I was separated from my teaching team I was in last year.  I was placed in a POD that has 2 new teachers and 2 new Intervention Specialists.  A POD consists of 2 ELA gen ed teachers, 2 math gen ed teachers, 4 Intervention Specialists. Each POD consists of 2 teams.  MY team is the 2 new teachers and 1 new Intervention Specialist.  The math teacher from the other team, I worked with a couple years ago in a POD. She called me yesterday afternoon because she said she felt she needed to see how I was doing with all of this NEW.  She told me that she says I should take it as a compliment...that obviously they felt I was capable enough to help get the new people on track and get everyone through the year. She said she felt I was always on it and ready.  Even if that is true...I don't WANT to be that person.  This year is going to be crazy enough without having to take on all of this NEW.  However, I don't seem to have a choice in the matter.  

Charity...the IS I worked with last year...is upset because she said she wouldn't have made it through last year without me.  She messages me now still and asks me all kinds of questions.  Tonight she messaged me and asked me if I had seen the new students that we got.  This was around 7 o'clock. I told her, "Why did you have to mess up my night with talk of work?"  She said she was sorry but they just put out a new spreadsheet and now she has 36 students.  I found that quite suspect so I had to go check my work computer.  I found the email, opened the spreadsheet and sorted for our names.  I still had 18 students.  I told her, "I only see 18 students under your name." She said, "yes and I already had 18 students." "Charity, if you look at the names, you will find they are those same 18 students."  "oh"  Then she spent the next 10 minutes messaging me 'sorry' memes.  I told her it was fine...no harm.  she could relax...yada yada.  Oy

My younger sister may find herself without a job and no pay since her school district is planning on closing down and doing online for at least the rest of the semester and since she is a paraprofessional they said they would not be working, would not be paid and could not file for unemployment because they are state govt workers.  She just bought a new car in June to replace the old van that fell apart in March.  

My son is looking for his next job when this contract expires in October. He says it does not look like he will be hired on full time.  They said they will be letting contract workers go.  

And the hits just keep on coming.  My brother said things where he works are nuts so he took the week off.  

I just need to keep trying to make some positive changes for myself.  More exercise each day.  I have been doing some each day but I need to start increasing that.  I am drinking a lot more water.  I need to try some yoga.  I also need to make my butt move out the door and off some place every once in a while.

My front door is waiting to be painted along with the trim around the outside and inside.  I also need to get my house number sign completed.  I hope it is not raining Saturday.  

I also am registering to take a 3 semester credit hour class this semester about processing disorders.  I have until December 1 to complete it.  My school is paying for it and I need the credit hours to renew my teaching license.  yay.  

Uncoupling

TJ is finally doing it.  He is packing up all of his clothes and his computer and xbox and coming up here next Friday.  He has a job with McGraw-Hill, training teachers and school districts in how to use their online curriculum.  He does it from home so as long as he has a working computer and internet, he is working.  He and Brit are separating and will file for dissolution after a month of separation.  He says it has been nothing but arguing and stress for over a year, nothing gets better, she does what she wants, they aren't in love and he is just done. 

I know it will be hard.  I warned him about all of the thoughts and emotions he will have and to be prepared.  I also told him how to help himself get through it.  I know this next year especially will be tough for him but I will be here to listen. 

He doesn't even seem to mind settling in this area anymore.  He can go back to Eagleville church where he is familiar with some of the people...there are a lot of newer ones  and people his age.  He can also get involved in many things there.  It will help him make it through.

I had a visitor.  It was a HS classmate that lives in Florida.  She came and spent the night. Spent a whole afternoon, that night, left the next morning.  I dreaded it but was also cautiously optimistic that the dread was going to be unfounded.  I was wrong.  I was never so glad to see someone leave in my life.  I am not going to go into the details. All I am going to say is she was a major pain in the arse.

I finally got my bedroom painted and the new flooring down.  I think it turned out real nice.  I am going to attempt to put this flooring in the other bedroom before TJ gets here.

I am getting the new front door put up next week.  It won't cost a lot because there is a group that gets grant money and they call themselves "Beautify A----- County" and the guy that heads it is part of a plant exchange group I joined.  I asked him if he knew a guy I could hire to put the door in for me and he said that IF I would let them take before and after pictures, they would do it and charge very little.  So...tada! 

The Japanese Beetles are consuming my pretty coral colored climbing rose bushes.  I guess I will have to get out the sevin dust in the shed and cover them.  *sigh*  My tomato plants are getting tomatoes.  My new knock out rose bush that I planted in the front is dying but the hydrangea bush I put in by my side porch is growing really well.

My social life is not great but it is difficult to do anything with this corona virus/social distancing stuff going on.  The upside to that is we are not having the beginning of the year whole school 2 day F2F conference like we always do.  YAY!!! I hate that.  BUT, instead, we will have virtual 4 hour meetings for 3 mornings in a row. I could take my laptop into the bathroom with me and no one will know cuz I am not the one on camera and my mic is not on.  Ha ha!

I have stocked up on paper supplies and all things soap.  I also have lots of meat stocked up.  I have instant potatoes.  I just don't have a lot of frozen vegetables.  I hate shopping.  I told TJ that he will need to buy his own food.  He says he will do some of the cooking.  He said,"I know you like to cook..." (me)"nope...no I do not."  (TJ): "oh...ha!  Well, I was going to say I could do some of the cooking." (me) "cook away!  Cook ALL YOU WANT.  Since living on my own I have found that I would rather not.  I have lost my interest in it."

I am not taking advantage...he will need a purpose. Since I have a guy mowing my lawn for $25 per mow, TJ won't have to help me with that.  However, he said that he could help, at some point, finish off the one section of the basement that would be a perfect spot for another bedroom. He said he could move down there when Bethany and Jordan are ready to move in.  There IS a bathroom in the basement so someone can live down there.  The thing is, TJ will eventually be moving 2 cats here and Bethany and Jordan have 2 cats....so...4 adults, 4 cats and a dog.  In this house. 

It took me a while to get used to my empty nest but now I like it. This is going to be a real adventure.  I put a chair in my room (which needs a bit of  tweak in the furniture arrangement still) and I told them, I will put a TV in there and if I retreat into my room not to take it personal but I just need to have alone/quiet time and if they knock on my door, it had better be important.  😂

I guess that's all I've got.  2 More weeks of vacay.  TJ will take up the last week of vacay.  So, enjoy this next week while I can. 

Sporadic Rain

The house was a 'no'.  I am going to just go forward with my original plan and stay put for a while. 

Today has on and off black clouds and sun shine. There are sporadic down pours.  It is making my head hurt.

Last official day of school.  I am completing student notes.  Next week I will work on Progress Reports.  The teachers technically have 2 more weeks to work.  It will not take me that long however, I may just work on progress reports a few each morning and then do either outside or inside work each day.  I am working out my work schedule.  I have to stick to it if I am going to complete everything.

I also need to stick to an exercise plan.  I don't want to weigh 500 lbs and my muscles are noodles.

I heard from my son.  Same old list of complaints.  I am exercising some tough love.  I told him that I was not going to be his sounding board because I could not take listening to it.  He complains that she does not respect him and treats him like an annoyance.  I told him that he obviously does not respect himself because he lets her do it over and over.  If she even thinks he MIGHT leave her, she will say something that she knows he wants to hear and he gives in...but nothing changes.  I told him to quit wasting his life, pack his things and leave.  He has a place to go. But if he stays, he is obviously okay with everything so don't complain to me.  I may have to repeat a few times that I don't want to hear it anymore because he does nothing to help himself.  I sometimes wonder about his wiring.

Well, this is short and sweet.  I am off to finish up something I am working on then, I will clean up the kitchen and plot out my weekend.

Dealing with the Dirt

Today will be spent digging in the dirt. SO MANY WEEDS!  And I have 4 plants and 7 bushes to put in.  It is good to get them in now as it is going to be raining for the next 5 days.  Next weekend will be paver walkway time and 'fix the new garden I started time.  During the week I will put plastic on the garage floor and do some spray painting...the bird bath, the rebar to support my privacy screen.  I also have the railing to paint but I can put that off for another week. 

This next week will be my last week of school.  Not my last week of work, just my last week of school.  The following week I will work on the student progress reports.  I can finish those in about 2 days.  I hate doing them.  I start with the longest ones first, then do the shortest ones then leave the medium length until last.  I have 3 or 4 students that have EVERYTHING on their IEPs.  I have 6 students that barely came to any Intervention classes this 2nd semester.  In hind sight, the padlet that I started as a resource for them to use...I listed the links to extra help lessons for their gen ed work, step sheets, study guides....that was supposed to be as much help to the parents as it was the students, and save me some time, it may have caused them to quit coming to Interventions.  They simply did not understand that the Intervention classes were not the same thing as the gen ed assignment help.  No matter the amount of emails that I sent to the students and parents.  So I had to go by work samples if they were doing better or not.    Next year...I am making my plans for next year....

The interview went as I feared....they don't have a SOLID job opening.  They have some tentative job openings but they are waiting on enrollment numbers.  If those numbers go up before the 1st of August and she wants to make me a job offer then it will be considered.  If I don't hear anything out of them then I know I am meant to stay at OHVA for whatever reason.  If the latter is the outcome, I am trusting that God has something in the works to help me with my income situation.  I will need more in order to afford a car replacement. 

I am also trusting His guidance on my housing situation.  This place is nice but the summer traffic gets on my nerves.  He knows me and will work it out as it should be.    I just have to relax and go with it. 

I have barely heard anything out of my son all week. This means that he and the wife are getting along okay and that he is also feeling a little guilty about complaining about her to me so much.  He did text me that he is getting a bonus from the job he is on right now and if he adds that to the money he has been saving, he will be 3/5 of the way to the down payment he is saving for a house.  All I said was, Just make sure your relationship is solid before you do that.  He replied, Definitely.  And that is all the unsolicited advice I am giving on that.  In order to lure him back home, his wife had told him that if he came back she would give him the credit and debit cards except the debit card for her personal bank account.  He felt that was a good start and, frankly, I was stunned that she would relinquish them.  That is why I said to him that if he was going back, he needed to leave that day.  I knew he would at some point and it was not only because I was concerned with him driving in the rain but I wanted my quiet routine back.  I didn't want to listen to the roller coaster that is his relationship.  I had lived through my own for 25 years and I just didn't want to deal.  He will have to decide if he wants the ride to stop so he can get off or just continue for many years to come.  I feel as much to blame that he is on this because he is just living the life he grew up with.  I have tried to convince him that there is a different kind of life out there but it is up to him to decide if he believes me or not.

I don't hear a lot out of Bethany.  She stays fairly quiet. She and Jordan support each other, as far as I know.  I don't like to poke at her too much because she feels attacked and gets defensive.  I could ask her the simplest question such as, "Are you and Jordan doing okay with your jobs and the stress?"  and she would get defensive as if I had said something negative.  Yet, I sometimes worry that if I DON'T ask questions and show an interest that she will feel as if she is abandoned by me. 

Well...time to get ready to go dig in the dirt.  I am looking forward to the end result.  However, if I am truly going to 'end' this today, it will be a very long day.

Pete and RePete

 My son came and spent a week with me.  He arrived May 16.  He had a work from home job so he worked from the desk in the 2nd bedroom.  We had dinner together each night. We visited my parents a few times.  He spent time arguing with his wife on the phone.  We watched some movies.  He complained about the things his wife does and says to him.  He contemplated not going back.  He contemplated divorce.  Then when the next Saturday rolled around, I told him that if he was going back he needed to leave that day because the next day it was going to rain and he freaks out driving in the rain.  So, he packed and left. 

Pete and RePete.

I have 6 more student days left.  I am SO over this school year.  I also have an interview with a new school tomorrow.  I interviewed with them last year and the head of the SPED department wanted to hire me but enrollment was down.  We shall see how it goes this time.  It is less work and more money.

I am not sure how I feel about anything.   I am doing some more fixes to my house.  Nothing major.  Railing on the front steps, more landscaping, paver walk to the porch, lattice privacy screen to the back deck, flooring in my bedroom, new paint on my bedroom walls.  The landscaping makes me happy.

I  am thankful that things are moving along somewhat normal for myself.  However, I miss my friends and doing things.  That sounds juvenile but it is lonely.

 

Bath for Birds and Pile o' Weeds

I did not think this would be quite so difficult.  I told myself, "life will not change so much.   You work from home, you live by yourself."    But it has.  I cannot see my friends.  They will text and call but it is not the same.  No sitting at each other's houses having tea or beer and conversation.  No going to a store or restaurant together. 

TJ's job got cut right before he was to start.  The hospital closed parts of it and laid off 50% of the IT department.  They told him that they would bring him in once things opened back up.  But who knows when that will be?

Susan, whose husband died 2 weeks after my divorce was official, has not sat still since.  She got busy and completed the remodel of their house that was planned in order for her mom to move in. Then she packed up her mom and moved her in.  She joined a book club and volunteered at the community food pantry, among other things. She kept on working her job at the school.  But then this stay-at-home corona virus thing hit and the school buildings closed and since she was a paraprofessional she just had to stay home...not clubs and she couldn't volunteer because she was worried about bringing germs home to her mom.  She has had nothing but time to think  and it is all settling in...her life without her husband. 

Debbie called me tonight.  She had told me over the weekend that she had to go stay with her mom because she had fallen outside and hurt her hip.  She said she was pretty resentful because her 4 siblings expected it of her because she is the single one.  She says her mom smokes a lot and is lazy and the smoking bothers her breathing.  She also is resentful because she works long hours as a nurse and now she has to come there and clean up.  Tonight she told me that she is considering buying her mom's house and then she will have her own place, she will fix it up and when her mom is gone, the house is hers.  She said her mom can pay her rent.  Her siblings told her to do that.  I told her that the fixing of things is that pain in the butt part. 

That seems to be my siblings way of thinking of me.  When one of our parents dies, since I am single, I will get to take care of the one that's left.  I wouldn't mind but their attitude seems to be that I should just sit quietly and stay out of the way until they need me.

I tried to give my father my extra laptop.  It has a really fast processor and I took all of my stuff off of it.  He was complaining that his laptop was slow.  BUT as soon as I mentioned giving him my extra laptop he ran out and bought a chromebook.  I overreacted about it when it was none of my business.  I apologized for questioning their need to buy that when I could have given them a free computer.  I was being ornery.  I had been anxious all do and found myself having intermittent panic attacks.  I had seen someone post on FB "remember, there are some that are quarantined with abusers."  and it just sent me over the edge.  I really did not expect a reaction let alone panic attacks.  All day.  I ended up taking 2 CBD oil capsules so that I could calm down and sleep.  I woke up this morning and I felt the anxiety rising in me again so I took 2 more capsules.  I told Debbie that those reactions just need to be done already.  She said, "you need more therapy.  Yet, you bought a bird bath."  I told her that working outside IS my therapy.

I went down the road to my cousin Tommy Jr.'s tonight to drop off my touchscreen laptop for him to fix.  I will be SO happy to have that back. Well, since my dad does not want this laptop I am typing on right now, I will give it to TJ's wife, Brittany.  Tommy Jr. is fixing the other smaller, slower touchscreen laptop that the ex bought me 6 years ago.  I will have that for a back up incase  something happens to my favorite touchscreen. 

Any how, I have a lot of weeds to deal with outside tomorrow an a bird bath to deal with.

The Long Winter

It has been a long tense winter.  I am not the only one feeling it.

Our online school system has been having difficulties for about 3 weeks.  Teachers, parents and students have been frustrated.  There has been an uptick in IEPs.  The state tests are looming. 

We had our online middle school meeting Friday morning.  We had not had it for a couple of weeks.  They attendees were split into grade band/subject.  Us ISes just picked one and attended.  I started out with 7th grade math.  There was one snarky teacher.  I listened for a while and copied a link for a math lesson that the math teacher I work with was sharing.  Then I moved into the 7th grade Language Arts room.  That was NOT pleasant. They were all attacking each other.  Accusing each other of being lazy, not doing as much as each other, etc.  UGH!  I listened in utter disbelief for a while then I moved myself to the room for my teaching POD.  By then, the math teacher in my group was there.  I relayed to her how much of a cat fight was going on in the 7th grade language arts room. 

I am STILL in disbelief about it.  If feels like the Middle School is falling apart. 

On a personal note, I had 2 different Reviews this last week...one on my IEPs and data notes, the other on my online classes.  I did really well on both.  Yes, there is some room for improvement but not a major leap.  Just slight improvements.  That relieves me a bit.

TJ's contract job that was initially supposed to be 3 weeks, turned in to 6 weeks, which he was happy about.  Now Monday he is going to Ohio Means Jobs and get signed up for unemployment and funding for classes.  The next phase.

My mom's sister, my aunt, Joyce, succombed to bone cancer in the early morning hours yesterday.  It was just a little over 2 weeks from diagnosis to death.  She had been pumped full of morphine most of the time.  I know it must have been AWFUL for her daughter Linda.  She had it all on her shoulders.  2 of her older brothers had already died...one from strokes, another from pancreatic cancer.  The last of her brothers has diabetes and sight problems.  She is the only one that is still in decent health.  That family has been riddled with health problems. 

Bethany and Jordan seem to be doing well.  If there is anything negative, they don't share it with me.  I continue to look for some place else to move to that they can also live in with me.  God will guide my direction.  I did find flooring for my bedroom that will cost me just under $250 and I can put down myself. It is self adhesive wood grained vinyl planking.  I feel it is the best option.  Carpeting would cost AT LEAST $450 and any other floor covering I would need help to put down.  This vinyl planking is easier to clean, less slippery....I am going for this.  My mom and older sister have wrinkled their nose up at it.  I don't care.  It works for ME. 

I have to fill holes and paint the room too.  Spring break. 

Shaking It Off

I had the usual Sunday meet up with 2 of my siblings at mom and dad's after they got home from church.    I do it for my parents.  My brother and older sister are too busy talking and trying to one-up each other.  At some point I TRY to get a word in edgewise but I barely say a sentence before they cut me off.  They take off running with whatever I started to say.  They don't even notice that I finally pull out my phone and start messing with my texts and facebook. 

Being home around my family can be nice, in some sort of twisted sense of comfort yet, at the same time, I find myself becoming angry inside because they all want to tell me what is wrong with my choices and what I should do instead.  I am SO tired of being told that what I am doing or decide to do is wrong...or what is wrong with it.  Because everyone else is so perfect and just KNOWS EXACTLY what is right.  It must be right because it is THEIR opinion and ideas...not mine.

I got to my son's apartment Thursday late afternoon.  NOTHING was packed.  I opened the door to the 'guest' bedroom and it was WORSE than when I was there in November...and had cleaned it up and packed some things.  I was SO overwhelmed.  I wanted to cry. 

Friday I dug in and started packing box after box after box.  My younger sister showed up to help pack some of the kitchen.  She didn't get very far because she couldn't stay long but whatever she did I didn't have to.  I packed boxes all day long Friday.  I got up super early Saturday morning and continued packing some of the kitchen.  TJ had to work Friday night.  He came in the apartment and I had him take me to Arby's to grab something to eat.  He had eaten at work.  He was ranting and raving about an argument he had with Brit on the phone.  I could feel the muscles in my neck tightening.  I finally told him, "STOP!  Just STOP!  I can't take this anymore!  I know you need to vent but this is the same thing OVER and OVER!  You are stressing me out SO much I am sorry...I don't mean to make this about me but honest to GOD I can't listen to this anymore!  You made the decision to move in to that house...you are going to go and stay until this contract job is done THEN it is either going to work or you are going to leave but I can't listen to this ANYMORE!" 

He was speechless.  Then he apologized.  He said she had told him she wasn't sure she even liked him anymore but she wanted them to work it out.  He was really hurting.  I told him he deserved not to be miserable but he had to care about himself. 

I just about killed myself packing them up.   Did everything make it on the truck?  No. They had to go back and pack up some leftover stuff under the sinks and in a few upper kitchen cupboards.  He had the nerve to call me and tell me, "not everything got packed! "  welllll...maybe if the 2 of you had done SOMETHING!  I couldn't pack a whole apartment in one damn day!  I am just so over the 2 of them!

I love my son and will always be here for him but they have GOT to get their crap together.  He has decided to keep working some contract jobs and in between he is going to be sponsored by Ohio Means Jobs to get some certifications for various IT things so he can move into a full time job with a company. 

I stopped and spent Saturday night with Beth and Jordan.  They had come and helped us unload the truck into a storage unit...along with Brit's mom.  Her mom kept Brit moving.  I was grateful.  Jordan kept TJ moving and they packed and piled things inside the storage unit.  Bethany climbed up into the Grandma's Attic in the truck and pushed out the boxes...I put them at the edge of the truck, Brit's mom piled them onto the long hand trucks and Brit took them into the storage unit (it was inside a building).  It was a pretty good system.  I ended up driving TJ back to their house because we had to take some night stands and a few other things back there and it would not all fit in Brit's car and carry the 3 of them.  I dropped him off and by the time I got to Beth and Jordan's, they had some chicken enchiladas for me and some wine coolers.  We talked until I just could not anymore.  In the morning I took them to Bob Evans for breakfast.  After we got back to the apartment, it was not long before I had to pack up and leave. 

Jordan was asking me all kinds of questions about houses up here.  They are planning on moving in with me (wherever I am) for a year.  I am looking at other houses and hoping to sell this place and move out of here.

Debbie P got me out of the house Friday night to a coffee house and game night at the church.  It was pretty fun.  She texted me today that she is thinking of looking for a place to rent in Rock Creek so she is closer to the hospital where she works.  Rock Creek is farther away from where I am now.  I have not had time to see Susan lately.  My life has been wrapped around work.  I worked until 6 p.m. on Friday.  This coming weekend TJ will be here to visit before he starts his next contract job.

I wrote my last IEP Friday until April.  I get a break.  Hallelujah!  yeah...I had 9 of those to write in the weeks leading up to going to help my son move. We shall see what happens....

Early Spring

Everytime the 'groundhog' tells us we are going to have an early spring, we don't.  For the first time this winter I am going to need to use my snow blower.

I am buried in work and have been for the last few weeks.  I had done really well this school year, up until a few weeks ago, to not work on the weekends.  But I have had to give up my weekends and will this weekend too. 

Thursday I will be heading down to Cincinnati to help my son...and the DIL...to pack up and be ready to load up on Saturday morning.  I hired 2 guys to help load the truck.  Like I can really afford that...but it will be worth it.  I am too old and over weight to do that kind of thing anymore.  If they lived in a 1st floor apartment it would be different.  But I am NOT moving furniture and a washer/dryer down a flight of stairs and then...it is SUCH a long walk from the building to the truck because it sits back away from the parking lot.

I am most concerned with the fact that the weather predictions keep changing.  As of today the weather prediction is that on Thursday it will be a wintry mix coming down all over the state.  And on Sunday too.  That would mean I would be driving in that going and coming.  I hope that changes.
Last weekend the weather prediction was MAYBE some rain on that Thursday, Saturday would be about 50 and Sunday was to be clear, too.  It, however, has changed drastically since then.  So, we shall keep watching and plan accordingly.  I may be going down on Wednesday night. 

I had to endure a lecture from my older sister as to 'what I am doing wrong'.  I have had to hear that all my life from my family...what's wrong with my wardrobe, my hair, my way of thinking, etc.  What is wrong with my decision making....

She said, "I'm going to tell you what you're doing wrong."  I said, 'Oh please, tell me what all I am wrong about."  She either doesn't recognize sarcasm or she just didn't care cuz she retorted with, "I'm going to!"  and she did.  According to her.

Well, it is what it is.  I don't think my kids are that terrible. They need to do some growing up yet in some ways but I do not know everything there is to know.  And I am not going to presume what is best for their lives. They have to make their own decisions and figure out what works for them.  I have gotten to the point that I say, "From my POV, I would think this would work......BUT, it is not my life, I am not living it and you are intelligent enough to figure it out.  I can give suggestions but it does not mean I am right."  And I approach my friends that way too. 

My friend Susan admits that she worries about other people's lives and wants to fix their lives for them all that time.  I told her that she can only do  so much and she has to acknowledge that they can work on their own lives and take care of them. It is nice she wants to 'fix' their problems but they are not her problems.

I will have cats to put up with.  I told my son that they are cute and I like them but I just don't want them as a pet for me. 

ReImagined

     I did not do any of my school work this weekend.  I was busy doing nothing.  I did laundry and cleared out my kitchen.  Other than that, I sat and watched the weather.

     I had a moment and  texted a little with my son yesterday.  I told him to consider how he communicates...how SHE communicates.  He did consider it.  He asked me why I was bringing it up, and I told him it is because of his dad and I and our marriage.  It was not all doomed due to bad communication but it is a problem.  And not just my marriage or any marriages. Communication is a problem.
 
     I get upset when I say something and it is an all encompassing statement with no timeline and the person that I say it to applies it to a finite instance.  My ex was that kind of person.  I have other friends  that are that way...more than I realized until lately.  Today was one of those days.  I just did a head slap.  I did the eye brow raise/furrow, head slap, eye roll, groan.  Then I decided to just make note of those that limited my statement so that I would not do generalities with them.  It is all in how one thinks.  If I do not want to create more work for myself, I have to decide what I communicate and to whom.
 
     I know communication is the biggest piece of that marriage decision.  Honesty...and not just with each other. If they can't be honest with themselves (she with herself, him with himself) then how are they going to be honest with each other?   My son has TRIED to change his communication approach but she has already decided that everything he says is an attack.   I am not sure if they can come back from that.  My best advice to him was to think it all through and be honest about whether or not he REALLY feels that they can fix what is not working.  He is feeling overwhelmed. 

     He said that he is going to move in with her and her parents for a bit once this 3 week contract job is up.  He is going to work the next job and save money but if they do not seem like it is getting any better then he will take the money he has saved and get out...whether it is up here or his own place in that vicinity he will decide at that time. 

     I can understand that.  He is just trying to make sure it is not able to work at all.  No one wants to walk away if they have any doubts left.   I told him that he will know what he needs to do but I just ask that he really consider all of his options and possible scenarios and pick those that he feels he can live the best with.

     I know I ended that last sentence inappropriately but I am tired.  I spend all day on my work computer writing progress reports for my students. They are due to the parents this Friday.  I have one left to complete.  I have set a deadline to send them out for Wednesday.  Then I can use my Thursday afternoon and Friday to communicate with parents and dig into the pile of IEPs that I have to get written over the next 5 weeks.  I will be done with them by the time I have to help my son  pack and move.  It will be a tough work schedule because I have 9 IEPs to write and 6 of them are renewals that I have to include data from working with them for a semester.  There goes my weekends!

   

Puny

     My son called me yesterday...twice.  Long diatribes.  Although I think 'diatribe' may sound a little harsh.  He came to a conclusion about his marriage...he needs to get out of it.  He also feels he needed to have never been in it.

    I gave him what I could in support yet trying to let him know that I know it is a difficult decision and will take courage to walk away.   He is not exactly sure where he is going to land.  I told him it will take him some time to figure it out.  I know his biggest concern is having a job.  So I sent him a few job openings up here...both of which pay better than what I am making.  Maybe I should apply for them myself?  *head slap*

     I called my mom in the afternoon and her voice sounded so puny...tired..defeated.  She said she WAS feeling worn out and tired of the life out there...that things are so difficult and people are mean.

     Susan has a close friend whose daughter is expecting her first child.  Susan's friend has stage 4 terminal cancer and is fighting to hang on. The hospital sent her home...where her husband is also dying from cancer. 

     My mom's pastor, Mike...whom I went to school with...he graduated the year before me...had a young son who died a long, painful death from cancer and the hospitals and doctors were so less than human because of insurance.  And HIS friend...and my cousin...Burton who had a son with encephalitis and died at the age of 12...the suffering.  Mike and Burton are both staunch Christians. Through everything they never gave up.

   My son does a lot of work with his church.  He reads his bible...he believes.  And his life has fallen apart. 

   I can't give up my faith, either.  However, I wonder....why?  What is the point of it all?

   And that is where my mom was yesterday afternoon. 

    I look around me and realize that I am blessed.  There were very hard places at times but nothing like dealing with the suffering and death of a child.

    And I sit here...looking out the window at a scene that looks like someone took a picture and put the black and white filter on it.  But it is just that way without the filter.  Soooo many shades of gray with a rain of white dots floating from the sky.  A blanket of white covering up everything like it never existed.    But at some point, it will melt and all the bad places will reappear. 

Good Intentions/Bad Decisions

     I am a good person and fairly intelligent.  I am  a hard worker.  I have a kind heart.  But I also make bad decisions sometimes.  That means I am 'normal'. 

     I am still learning lessons.  I am learning how to step back from my ADULT offspring (there really needs to be a better word than 'children' once they pass a certain age) and let them drive their own wagon. 

     I have been wrangling with my son about his life and you know what?  He is going to do what he feels is best and he is going to try and do what he can for his life and I guess that just shows that I did raise him well.  He may not be making what I feel are the right decisions but it is his life and he needs to do what he needs to do for himself.  I raised him to be an adult and live his own life and that is what he is doing. 

    Living my own life is what I need to do also.  Debbie P and I have decided to kick each other's butts.  She said that she would come home from work and never leave her house until she had to go to work again.  We are trying to find a way to get together at least every 2 weeks.  I would do that with Susan but she has filled up her dance card with lots of things to do and places to go. Once her husband died, she got busy and found groups to join so that she would not be alone. I am starting out late and slow.  *sigh*

     God really is wonderful.  God landed us not too far from here, where I would meet up with one of my cousins again, and when Ex got hooked on his drugs and disappeared, my cousin brought us out to Eagleville Church where I made friends with Debbie B and Debbie P.  Here I am back so many years later, and we have kept in contact over the years...and they are there to pull me back in and give me support...and I can do that same for them.

     I still get to do things with Susan and I am hoping this year brings me a better paying job.  It would be great if Susan and I could do a quick vacay trip together.  Debbie and I can do one too but she is planning on taking some more classes and get her nursing Bachelor degree.  She may be a bit busy for that.

    When I said this was my year for ME, I was not kidding.

Support Garments

    I attended Celebrate Recovery.  The part I liked best was the message by Pastor Steve before we broke up into small groups. 

     I had had a discussion with my son earlier.  I felt badly and frustrated about it.  He began to complain to me about his dad's assessment of things and what he thinks our son should do.  Jr. got a surprise because I said, "I agree with your father.  You need to just walk away.  She is getting everything she wants and she does not care about you.  AND everything is falling apart there.  I really think God is stripping you down to the nubs because He is trying to get you to face reality and get out, start over...everything...your whole life."  I felt badly because I could hear the dejection in his voice.  I am frustrated because we have had this discussion over and over for the past 2 months.  I just want to show up with a moving truck, load him and his stuff up, hand her a 'good bye' letter and leave!  His dad even thinks he should come move back in with me until he can get his act together.  That says something right there!

     So, listening to Pastor Steve, I heard some things that sounded like what I had gone through but I kept thinking, "if only my son could be sitting here listening to this."

     Small group was sort of helpful.  It wasn't exactly what I expected.  It was more about what each has learned from their experiences and if they are moving forward.  Others gave some suggestions that may help.  It was not ex bashing or family bashing.  It was everyone realizing their part in how they got to where they were.  That was good to hear. 

     Starting back to  work has been a whirlwind...as usual.  I have my calendar of events filled up through the end of February, already.  I have started working ahead on some things so that it is more evenly spread out and I can have time for myself.

     My eating change is going well.  And I actually slept 8 hours straight last night.  That is a major thing right there!  I am still working on incorporating more movement in to my days.  Any extra is a plus for me. 

     I am trying to mentally prepare myself for having another person in the house.  I really do not see any other options for my son.  But it will be a lot to deal with.   He is a very deep feeling/emotional person and it will take a lot of me to support him.  However, I cannot let his situations derail me from taking care of me, either. 

    It is a real dance on the edge of that volcano.

Lost Baggage

It is curious how God works on me.  He has revealed things to me in phases.  He knows me, of course, and that I am a cerebral type and have to 'understand' everything...that there has to be a reasoning to it.

As I sat and listened to my son tell me about his father's behavior and things that his dad had shared about his life, a light bulb came on and I realized that I had been waiting for something.  I had been waiting all of this time for vindication.  I had been waiting for him to admit to his wrong doings and give me a REAL apology...not just one that he shoots out there to pacify me.  AND I realized with a major clarity that it would never happen.  What was TJ telling me that finally made me realize that?
It was the summation of it all...that his father has NEVER changed and will never change and why is that?  Because he has never seen a problem with his behavior/thinking. 

Once I embraced my 'aha' moment, a change in MY thinking started to happen.  God was telling me, "You have to let it go.  What you feel that you need will never happen."  It isn't news.  However, I was flawed in what I had always believed about him.  He really is not the person I had assumed he was.  And it wasn't just him.  It was something else that TJ said....about my family and how it interacts with others.  I had just never really realized. 

My family will sit and have conversations and does not draw anyone else in by putting the spotlight on them such as asking them questions about their lives.  For instance, they won't even ask a new family addition or friend, "What do you do or what are you interested in" etc.  I have gotten better with trying to reach out to others.  It isn't that we aren't interested but somehow in  our family history, the unspoken belief is that if you ask people a lot of questions about themselves you are prying and being 'nosey' and it is rude.  We have always believed that if someone wanted to share something with you about themselves, they will do it of their own accord.  It never occurred to me that this is perhaps off putting to others.  It is what I am used to.  It hasn't been until lately that I have made an effort to reach out to the people I care about to follow up on events in their lives or just to find out how they are doing.  No one has ever shared with me before that there was a difference. 

TJ pointed this out because he has noticed only because his dad's side of the family and his in-laws interact with him in a much different way then my side of the family. 

So...taking in all that he was saying, letting it swirl around in my brain, I was able to formulate a conclusion that led me to this: the whole divorce was a blessing and he and I were  just so different and expected a certain type of life that was not going to be able to come together. 

I know that sounds like something that I should have not just realized and I sort of got it before but it was like someone taking a fuzzy picture and bringing it into a crystal clear focus.   What is really sad is that he and I wasted 25 years of our lives trying to make oil and water mix. 

Can he realize he did not treat me right if he did not see anything wrong with his actions because it is what he had expected for his life?  It is my perspective...that he did not treat me right.

Don't get me wrong.  A Narcissist is a  narcissist.  However, my holding on to some grudge or anger is never going to change anything and it will only make my life continue in misery.

He no longer has a moral compass and does not have someone to stop him from making miscalculated decisions.  Because of that, he seems to have gotten himself into a bad place.  He also is sitting in a precarious health state and refuses to acknowledge it.  He mistreats his new female friend and she will take it and apologize to him.  None of that is my concern.  I feel a bit sad about it that he never did learn anything but it is not my problem anymore. 

I do know this...after my revelation I WAS able to let it go.  I am not feeling that knot of anger in me.  I forgave him for being himself but I was still waiting.  I am no longer waiting for that apology or acknowledgment. 

I have a goal for my year.  My goal is to tune in to myself.  I am going to tackle the things that will make me better physically and emotionally and mentally.  Speaking of which...it is time for another quick bit of exercise. 

Here's to a positive 2020. 

Swing Like a Chandelier

   I had my first shocker.  The 'kids' had a day with dad and his female roommate.  They went bowling and out to dinner.  I am happy they had a good time with him for once.  But then it happened...SHE had a picture taken of all of them together with something about spending time with family.  I didn't mind what she put but it was a bit of a shock to see a picture of my family with  her standing where I always stood in the pictures.

   She messaged me with how she know it is hard to see someone else with the man I had been married to for 25 years and that they loved each other.  She also said she would never try to take my place with my kids.

   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I messaged her back and told her I had no problem with him having someone else in his life because him divorcing me was a blessing.  He put me through enough.  And I certainly wasn't worried about her taking my place with my kids because I am their mom and they love me.  I dislike HIM for the way he treated me in the end.  I told her it would be nice if he had grown up and knew how to be in love and good luck with that.  She had to message back that they had been open and honest with each other and he had shown her all emails and text messages.  I just said 'sure'.

    I.do.not.care.  BLOCK.  I have to get used to the pictures now too.

    I was stupid and called my older sister to say something about the picture and what a sort of shock it was.  Her reply was, "that's what happens with divorce.  Oh well."

   A "I'm sorry, I know that must have been difficult."  would have been nice.  Again, I am insane to think that I would get even a bit of fake empathy from any of my family.   I know it has been 5 years but I am not sure it ever really gets easier.  I can sort of understand why people get addicted to drugs.  They take them to numb the pain.  I am sick of it coming back and hitting me in the middle of the chest.  I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been if he hadn't moved to Kansas...if I had had to put up with his presence all of the time.

   I have wondered if it would make things easier to have someone else in my life.  Someone that really cared about me.  I have hid and put off trying to mix and mingle until I felt sure my damage was behind me but now I am feeling that if I wait for that I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life.  I really feel like the damage will never be behind me.

   I love my kids but I almost feel like I wish that I had stuck to my original plan and never gotten married.  But you can't go through life and totally avoid the bad feelings.  It would mean you would never care about anyone or anything.  Ever.

    I can feel my insides curling up and turning sour.  Push it down.  Push it down.  Gather up the sunshine and push it to the top.  Sometimes it seems like such a struggle.

The Long Mediocre Summer

I am thinking I am going to put this house up for sale once I retire and go live in one of the local 55+ communities.  Most of them are double wide mobile home parks but the double wides are very nice.  I won't have to mow or shovel snow.  They check on the residence and provide transportation, if needed.  I am looking ahead.  My parents should have moved into something like that but my mother laments that they may have waited too long to sell their home.  They could move into a place like this but my mom, I think is worried about not having enough space to help her feel comfortable.  She doesn't realize that she needs to slow down.  I know them being so busy is what has probably kept them healthy but my father is slowing down considerably because of his blood clotting and high blood pressure issues and medication.  She has recently been showing signs of being over extended. 

My son lost his job.  iHeart media went to all of their radio stations across the country and let all of their street news reporters go...along with some inhouse news reporters.  Everything is being centralized.  He has been out of work for one week and is applying to everything that has a decent paying opening.  They gave him 2 months of severance pay and he has 2 months of unemployment after that.  I told him that I have been concerned about his job security for the last year.  I also told him not to just jump into the first thing that comes along because he could find himself stuck in a job that makes him miserable. 

I have advised him to look at this as an opportunity instead of a hinderance.  God sometimes has to give us a big boot in the butt to get us going in the right direction. 

Update on my old friend Benny:  He not only has throat cancer and is going for radiation treatments, he has a failing liver...cirrhosis.  They have to keep draining a lot of fluid.  He was released and is living with his widower father.  Heavy smoking, heavy drinking, lots of cheating on his wife.  It is all coming back on him in the worst way.  Even with all of that, he is a really nice guy...would give the shirt of his back to help others. 

Bethany and Jordan are planning on making a move up here by me next summer.  They may end up moving in with me.  He expressed to me that he does not know how they are going to coordinate 2 job transfers and securing a place to live all at once.  I told him that they may end up splitting up and moving in with me in order to secure job transfers for both of them. THEN they can look for a place of their own.  He conceded to maybe having to do that. 

In 7 more weeks, I hope to know whether or not I will be signing a contract with another online school.  It would be GREAT if I could.  I also know that I pray about it and if it would turn out not to be a good place for me to jump, then that door will not open for me. 

I am also considering a part-time summer job with Home Depot.  The plus side is I would get some instore employee discounts on things.  I am looking at redoing my kitchen...replacing my sliding glass doors, etc.  We will see...it would mean moving up my cataract surgery.  May 28th perhaps.

And is this going to be a quieter summer?  I may have my son and DIL moving in with me for a time.

2 Negatives Do Not Make a Positive

My mother was reading the obituary of a woman in town that had been very social and a hard worker.  I only knew of the woman.  I did not know her personally.  My mom started picking this woman's life apart and I was shocked at the negativity.  Was Mom jealous of this woman's life? I think the thing that topped it all was when she said that just because she had played guitar in her church did not make her a Christian and she was not in Heaven today.

I had to change the subject.  How did she KNOW if this woman was in Heaven or not?  God judges that.  I would not be making a pronouncement.  The whole diatribe of hers was aggravating.

Then today my oldest sister started complaining about  Christmas presents.  She was yapping about last year's gifts and how she had spent a lot on a present for Scott and Lisa but they didn't spend as much on her and David.  "They got me exactly what I asked for and nothing else." Oh.for.the.love...  "I can guarantee that they didn't spend as much on you as you did on them."

I could not stand it.  "Ok. They got you what you asked for.  And? I don't  care what anyone spends. I put a lot of inexpensive things on my list but they are things I need.  Even if they buy me one small thing on my list, it is one less thing I will have to buy myself. What I choose to spend on someone else is just that...MY choice.  I  am not sizing things up. It takes the joy out of it.  Be grateful!"

Then she proceeded to yap about something mom did for her, "because I would not do it well enough.  I am too stupid and incompetent."

"Oh relax! She did the same thing to me. She has control issues. She has always been that way.  It isn't personal."

Give me strength. 

Bah humbug. 

I Feel How I Feel

I have been there for my kids.  Always.  Put my feelings and personal comfort aside for them. 

I am having a melt down.  and it has to do with my ex.  And it isn't because he is dating.  It is NOT the dating.  It is the stuff that came out of it.  The last thing I told him is I really do hope, for his sake, that it works out well however, if, heaven forbid, it comes to an end, do NOT call me anymore because I am sick and tired of him calling me when HE needed someone but he won't tell me he is dating someone now?  If he can't tell me that but will only call ME when HE needs someone then he can go f*** himself because it shows that he is not talking to me cuz he does consider me a friend...he is talking to me because HE is lonely but I really mean nothing to him.  Nothing.  No respect for me.  He got mad but...I really don't give a crap.  This is MY life and he no reason to be in it.  It has always baffled me how he could decide he doesn't want me in his life...so he divorces me...YET he will call me and text me and email me to tell me about his life cuz..."I still love you  and want us to be friends."  What a maroon.    It is NOT the dating...it his total lack of respect.  He will never get it. 

And my kids lied to me about it.  They said, "he told us not to tell you."  And they didn't tell me BUT when I asked them point blank if he was dating...because he was silent and I was pretty sure that meant he is dating...they lied.  for him.  I told them that lying is lying and seriously, considering everything...how he treated them...and how I was always there for them...always...still am...lying should have never happened no matter what.  And THAT is why I hurt.

But no one understands why I am so upset.  And I am not going to try and explain it anymore to anyone because it is based on how I am perceived and treated by all.

And you know what....

I am so damned tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD feel or why I SHOULDN'T feel what I am feeling.  THESE ARE MY FEELINGS FOR MY OWN REASONS!   WHEN DO I GET TO BE SELF CENTERED???  WHEN DO I GET TO JUST ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN FEELINGS?

Now.  I am doing that now.  I am just tired of worrying about my son and his weekly arguments with his wife and divorce talks.  I am tired of worrying about my daughter and her anxiety and confusion about what she is going to do and where she is going to do it.  I have a job I have to do and set my emotions aside for that. I am going to allow myself to feel disrespected and hurt.  Cuz...it is MY life, MY feelings and I am going to acknowledge myself.  Obviously no one else is.