Energizer Bunny, where are you?

I should have had the flooring down in the other bedroom by now.  It is almost 2 o'clock in the afternoon and I have barely moved.  I mean...other than a shower, cooking and downing 2 burritos, and playing a little with my dog.  It is so humid it is like breathing water.  And because of that, Lucy was only too happy to come in from the sunroom so I could shut the door and turn on the AC a little.  It's not that it is so very hot, the humidity just makes it hard to breathe.  I always let the AC run for a little bit to get some cool air circulating then I turn on  the fan.   It pretty much takes care of it all.

I will eventually get myself in that bedroom and start laying the flooring.  And I will kill myself to do it all before I pass out tonight.  Only because my son will be here Sunday afternoon and I have other things I need to accomplish before he gets here.

The neighbors next door had a party for some reason last night.  A middle of the week party.  It wasn't terribly large because the cars all fit in their driveway except 2...which parked on this side road but they parked way down past my driveway...not next to my porch.  They started about 6 so it was over by dark.  Lynn came across the back yard and in through my deck sliding glass door.  She said, "I am sure they see me come to your house and now BJ (the neighbor's airhead wife) will be miffed by it. I don't care. "  I mean...after all...they want everyone to think they are wonderful and I am the newcomer to the neighborhood...and the 'enemy' of sorts.  Neighborhood drama...ugh.

Lynn explained to me about the neighborhood politics and who lived where.  I also discovered that the guy that was principal of the school at which I did my student teaching also lives just down the road from me.   To tell you the truth I would not recognize him because I barely remember what he looks like.  Lynn is also friends with one of the teachers I student taught with.

Sometimes I like being back in a smaller world and sometimes....not so much.

I like meeting new people sometimes.  I like having friends to do things with once in a while.  I just don't like people bothering me all of the time.  I am not sure which Lynn will be.  Frankly, I am pretty sure she won't bother me a lot. She DID say that she wants to take me with her to the Elks Club down the road for dinner and drinks and so that I can meet other people in the area.  This is the second time someone wanted to take me to the Elks Club.  I am not really sure what the significance of that whole place is.  I am not good with CLUBS.  I am not big on organized things like that.  Too many rules and weird regulations make me itch.

But once she mentioned she was a member of the Elks club, I got a little excited because I thought maybe I would find out what happened to my HS friend, Nancy. I described to Lynn where Nancy had lived...just 4 doors down the road from me, right before the Elks Club.  Lynn said, "Oh, did she have an alterations business?" yes.  She said some of the women dropped things off for Nancy to do but she had not really come to the club much.  Her husband was a member and they had not been married very long when she just died suddenly.  There evidently was never an explanation.  Considering there was not ever an explanation other than she died suddenly...it gives me the sinking feeling that she had attempted suicide again, and this time she did not fail.  I would rather not jump to conclusions but Nancy had battled depression for years.  She had attempted it once and her first husband foiled her attempt.

Me knowing how she died, exactly, will not change the fact that she is dead.  I certainly did not elaborate to Lynn anything about Nancy's past or anything else about her.  It would serve no purpose.

I did learn about Lynn's first husband and his descent into severe OCD mental illness and his refusal for help. So, she had divorced him.  Then she told me about the second husband that she met after moving to the neighborhood and the other 2 women in the neighborhood that 'attacked' her once Carmen (the sought after widower) started dating her.  yep...drama.  I guess this stuff is good to know in order to help navigate the terrain around here but if it had been a show on Netflix I would have passed it up by now.

I drank a half bottle of wine last night.  I couldn't seem to stop because it has been quite a while since I had any and it really tasted good.  Lynn drank the other half of course and she meandered back home.  I am pretty sure that half of bottle of wine is the reason I have no ambition today.  It is the reason I have not had wine in quite a while.

Today I just want to read and chill.  Maybe I won't get that floor done tonight.  We'll see.

I was thinking this morning about how much more confident I feel about being me...on the inside.  I am not so confident about my outer self but I can't seem to muster enough 'oomph' to do much about it.  I can get myself to do everything but WORK to slim down. I was not impressed by my house guest, Vicky, and her eating habits because of that sleeve she had put on her stomach.  I know it is great for some people but I really don't want to have to do that.  However, on the other hand, I am not wanting to do much of anything anyway.

One thing I am going to do it get off of here and read my book...

Dealing with the Dirt

Today will be spent digging in the dirt. SO MANY WEEDS!  And I have 4 plants and 7 bushes to put in.  It is good to get them in now as it is going to be raining for the next 5 days.  Next weekend will be paver walkway time and 'fix the new garden I started time.  During the week I will put plastic on the garage floor and do some spray painting...the bird bath, the rebar to support my privacy screen.  I also have the railing to paint but I can put that off for another week. 

This next week will be my last week of school.  Not my last week of work, just my last week of school.  The following week I will work on the student progress reports.  I can finish those in about 2 days.  I hate doing them.  I start with the longest ones first, then do the shortest ones then leave the medium length until last.  I have 3 or 4 students that have EVERYTHING on their IEPs.  I have 6 students that barely came to any Intervention classes this 2nd semester.  In hind sight, the padlet that I started as a resource for them to use...I listed the links to extra help lessons for their gen ed work, step sheets, study guides....that was supposed to be as much help to the parents as it was the students, and save me some time, it may have caused them to quit coming to Interventions.  They simply did not understand that the Intervention classes were not the same thing as the gen ed assignment help.  No matter the amount of emails that I sent to the students and parents.  So I had to go by work samples if they were doing better or not.    Next year...I am making my plans for next year....

The interview went as I feared....they don't have a SOLID job opening.  They have some tentative job openings but they are waiting on enrollment numbers.  If those numbers go up before the 1st of August and she wants to make me a job offer then it will be considered.  If I don't hear anything out of them then I know I am meant to stay at OHVA for whatever reason.  If the latter is the outcome, I am trusting that God has something in the works to help me with my income situation.  I will need more in order to afford a car replacement. 

I am also trusting His guidance on my housing situation.  This place is nice but the summer traffic gets on my nerves.  He knows me and will work it out as it should be.    I just have to relax and go with it. 

I have barely heard anything out of my son all week. This means that he and the wife are getting along okay and that he is also feeling a little guilty about complaining about her to me so much.  He did text me that he is getting a bonus from the job he is on right now and if he adds that to the money he has been saving, he will be 3/5 of the way to the down payment he is saving for a house.  All I said was, Just make sure your relationship is solid before you do that.  He replied, Definitely.  And that is all the unsolicited advice I am giving on that.  In order to lure him back home, his wife had told him that if he came back she would give him the credit and debit cards except the debit card for her personal bank account.  He felt that was a good start and, frankly, I was stunned that she would relinquish them.  That is why I said to him that if he was going back, he needed to leave that day.  I knew he would at some point and it was not only because I was concerned with him driving in the rain but I wanted my quiet routine back.  I didn't want to listen to the roller coaster that is his relationship.  I had lived through my own for 25 years and I just didn't want to deal.  He will have to decide if he wants the ride to stop so he can get off or just continue for many years to come.  I feel as much to blame that he is on this because he is just living the life he grew up with.  I have tried to convince him that there is a different kind of life out there but it is up to him to decide if he believes me or not.

I don't hear a lot out of Bethany.  She stays fairly quiet. She and Jordan support each other, as far as I know.  I don't like to poke at her too much because she feels attacked and gets defensive.  I could ask her the simplest question such as, "Are you and Jordan doing okay with your jobs and the stress?"  and she would get defensive as if I had said something negative.  Yet, I sometimes worry that if I DON'T ask questions and show an interest that she will feel as if she is abandoned by me. 

Well...time to get ready to go dig in the dirt.  I am looking forward to the end result.  However, if I am truly going to 'end' this today, it will be a very long day.

Bath for Birds and Pile o' Weeds

I did not think this would be quite so difficult.  I told myself, "life will not change so much.   You work from home, you live by yourself."    But it has.  I cannot see my friends.  They will text and call but it is not the same.  No sitting at each other's houses having tea or beer and conversation.  No going to a store or restaurant together. 

TJ's job got cut right before he was to start.  The hospital closed parts of it and laid off 50% of the IT department.  They told him that they would bring him in once things opened back up.  But who knows when that will be?

Susan, whose husband died 2 weeks after my divorce was official, has not sat still since.  She got busy and completed the remodel of their house that was planned in order for her mom to move in. Then she packed up her mom and moved her in.  She joined a book club and volunteered at the community food pantry, among other things. She kept on working her job at the school.  But then this stay-at-home corona virus thing hit and the school buildings closed and since she was a paraprofessional she just had to stay home...not clubs and she couldn't volunteer because she was worried about bringing germs home to her mom.  She has had nothing but time to think  and it is all settling in...her life without her husband. 

Debbie called me tonight.  She had told me over the weekend that she had to go stay with her mom because she had fallen outside and hurt her hip.  She said she was pretty resentful because her 4 siblings expected it of her because she is the single one.  She says her mom smokes a lot and is lazy and the smoking bothers her breathing.  She also is resentful because she works long hours as a nurse and now she has to come there and clean up.  Tonight she told me that she is considering buying her mom's house and then she will have her own place, she will fix it up and when her mom is gone, the house is hers.  She said her mom can pay her rent.  Her siblings told her to do that.  I told her that the fixing of things is that pain in the butt part. 

That seems to be my siblings way of thinking of me.  When one of our parents dies, since I am single, I will get to take care of the one that's left.  I wouldn't mind but their attitude seems to be that I should just sit quietly and stay out of the way until they need me.

I tried to give my father my extra laptop.  It has a really fast processor and I took all of my stuff off of it.  He was complaining that his laptop was slow.  BUT as soon as I mentioned giving him my extra laptop he ran out and bought a chromebook.  I overreacted about it when it was none of my business.  I apologized for questioning their need to buy that when I could have given them a free computer.  I was being ornery.  I had been anxious all do and found myself having intermittent panic attacks.  I had seen someone post on FB "remember, there are some that are quarantined with abusers."  and it just sent me over the edge.  I really did not expect a reaction let alone panic attacks.  All day.  I ended up taking 2 CBD oil capsules so that I could calm down and sleep.  I woke up this morning and I felt the anxiety rising in me again so I took 2 more capsules.  I told Debbie that those reactions just need to be done already.  She said, "you need more therapy.  Yet, you bought a bird bath."  I told her that working outside IS my therapy.

I went down the road to my cousin Tommy Jr.'s tonight to drop off my touchscreen laptop for him to fix.  I will be SO happy to have that back. Well, since my dad does not want this laptop I am typing on right now, I will give it to TJ's wife, Brittany.  Tommy Jr. is fixing the other smaller, slower touchscreen laptop that the ex bought me 6 years ago.  I will have that for a back up incase  something happens to my favorite touchscreen. 

Any how, I have a lot of weeds to deal with outside tomorrow an a bird bath to deal with.

It's the Little Things

My kids know that mom not only has been there to help with some large issues but she pays attention to the little things.  When I went to visit my son and DIL for a few days, once, I took a box of paper  goods and cleaning supplies.  I know when money is tight, the first thing you do is pay the bills then buy food.  Cleaning supplies and paper goods make it to the end of the list.  I brought paper towels, tissues, napkins, toilet tissue, and lysol products.  My DIL looked confused and I asked her, "are you running low on this stuff...or just out of it?"  "well...yes."  "AND it costs money...it adds up.  Wouldn't you rather use that money to buy food?"  This look of understanding came over her face and she laughed and said, "yeah!  I get it."

When my daughter passed her Pharmacy Tech licensing exams, I know she had been working hard to help her boyfriend make ends meet and had scrimped on the things she loved.  I sent her a Sephora gift card.  She was thrilled because she had not been able to afford to replenish her foundation.  She was all about the makeup at that time.  Of course since, she has adopted a more light dab of face powder.  Her emphasis is on her eyes and eye brows.  But at the time, the idea that I thought of her WANTS in that way made an impact.

I remembered that stuff this morning because I realized I have learned that from my mother.  I miscalculated and have run out of tissues.  (note to self: while the smaller, cube-like boxes of tissues may fit better on table and stands, they run out a lot quicker)  I have sinus and allergy issues so I go through a lot of tissues. This morning, I knew I was in trouble. And while I am the only one in the house and I COULD walk around with a roll of toilet tissue, it did not appeal to me.  One of the presents my mother gave all of us girls was this red woven and metal sleigh.  She filled it with things like pocket pack tissues, sample sized lotions, purse size hand sanitizer, small packs of breath mints and candies.  So, those pocket pack tissues are coming in handy this morning until I get dressed and meander on down the road to  the Family Dollar store.  It's the little things.

Just like working on math with my students.  I have worked, not only on math, but note taking skills.  I also have worked with them doing a lot of repetition and chunking things into smaller pieces.  It is what they need.  I connect what they were being taught in September to what they are doing now.  The math teacher seems to be skipping right over those steps.  WHY?  I interrupted her on Thursday to do a quick 'share' where I showed the students how the vocabulary and concepts were something they needed to accomplish/understand the geometry and equations they were doing now.  WHY is she not doing that?  She gets so frustrated with them yet she is not helping.

Also, another 'little' thing...the neighbor's truck.  He has a big, loud, diesel truck that he starts every morning.  He used to start it and let it sit idling in his drive for half an hour every morning.  He started it between 6:30  and 7 a.m. every morning.  During the week it is not that big of a deal because I am up already.  But on Saturday and Sunday I TRY to sleep in.   That is an irritation.  I want to shoot it.  Lately, he has been starting it and it doesn't idle any longer than 10 minutes before it goes off loudly down the road.  My brother's truck has that loud exhaust system on it too.  I'll bet his neighbors love him just as much.  I am not understanding the purpose of the loud exhaust system.  I used to own a little 2 seater sports car with a dual exhaust that made it sound like a box full of angry bees.  I had it taken off and replaced with a nice, quiet single pipe.  My dad laughed at me and told me I ruined the car. I told him that now I could hear my radio without deafening myself. 

It's the little things.

My son's interview went really well yesterday.  They told him they feel he will be a good fit for their day shift data entry position.  They sent him more forms to fill out.  Let's pray it is not a little thing that keeps him from getting the job.

And my almost-son-in-law had texted me that my daughter was going to call me about their plans this weekend.  I asked him when she was going to call me.  He said probably Saturday.  I asked him what they were doing this weekend, as I was not sure why I needed to know anything about their weekend plans.  He said, "I don't know....maybe do some reading."  I thought about this and the fact that he had earlier asked me about realtors in my area.  Then I dawned on me.  I replied, "So you meant she is going to call me this weekend to tell me about your plans...not that she is going to call me to tell me about your plans this weekend."  He did not reply.  It's the little things.

Puny

     My son called me yesterday...twice.  Long diatribes.  Although I think 'diatribe' may sound a little harsh.  He came to a conclusion about his marriage...he needs to get out of it.  He also feels he needed to have never been in it.

    I gave him what I could in support yet trying to let him know that I know it is a difficult decision and will take courage to walk away.   He is not exactly sure where he is going to land.  I told him it will take him some time to figure it out.  I know his biggest concern is having a job.  So I sent him a few job openings up here...both of which pay better than what I am making.  Maybe I should apply for them myself?  *head slap*

     I called my mom in the afternoon and her voice sounded so puny...tired..defeated.  She said she WAS feeling worn out and tired of the life out there...that things are so difficult and people are mean.

     Susan has a close friend whose daughter is expecting her first child.  Susan's friend has stage 4 terminal cancer and is fighting to hang on. The hospital sent her home...where her husband is also dying from cancer. 

     My mom's pastor, Mike...whom I went to school with...he graduated the year before me...had a young son who died a long, painful death from cancer and the hospitals and doctors were so less than human because of insurance.  And HIS friend...and my cousin...Burton who had a son with encephalitis and died at the age of 12...the suffering.  Mike and Burton are both staunch Christians. Through everything they never gave up.

   My son does a lot of work with his church.  He reads his bible...he believes.  And his life has fallen apart. 

   I can't give up my faith, either.  However, I wonder....why?  What is the point of it all?

   And that is where my mom was yesterday afternoon. 

    I look around me and realize that I am blessed.  There were very hard places at times but nothing like dealing with the suffering and death of a child.

    And I sit here...looking out the window at a scene that looks like someone took a picture and put the black and white filter on it.  But it is just that way without the filter.  Soooo many shades of gray with a rain of white dots floating from the sky.  A blanket of white covering up everything like it never existed.    But at some point, it will melt and all the bad places will reappear. 

Good Intentions/Bad Decisions

     I am a good person and fairly intelligent.  I am  a hard worker.  I have a kind heart.  But I also make bad decisions sometimes.  That means I am 'normal'. 

     I am still learning lessons.  I am learning how to step back from my ADULT offspring (there really needs to be a better word than 'children' once they pass a certain age) and let them drive their own wagon. 

     I have been wrangling with my son about his life and you know what?  He is going to do what he feels is best and he is going to try and do what he can for his life and I guess that just shows that I did raise him well.  He may not be making what I feel are the right decisions but it is his life and he needs to do what he needs to do for himself.  I raised him to be an adult and live his own life and that is what he is doing. 

    Living my own life is what I need to do also.  Debbie P and I have decided to kick each other's butts.  She said that she would come home from work and never leave her house until she had to go to work again.  We are trying to find a way to get together at least every 2 weeks.  I would do that with Susan but she has filled up her dance card with lots of things to do and places to go. Once her husband died, she got busy and found groups to join so that she would not be alone. I am starting out late and slow.  *sigh*

     God really is wonderful.  God landed us not too far from here, where I would meet up with one of my cousins again, and when Ex got hooked on his drugs and disappeared, my cousin brought us out to Eagleville Church where I made friends with Debbie B and Debbie P.  Here I am back so many years later, and we have kept in contact over the years...and they are there to pull me back in and give me support...and I can do that same for them.

     I still get to do things with Susan and I am hoping this year brings me a better paying job.  It would be great if Susan and I could do a quick vacay trip together.  Debbie and I can do one too but she is planning on taking some more classes and get her nursing Bachelor degree.  She may be a bit busy for that.

    When I said this was my year for ME, I was not kidding.

Backing It Up and Taking Another Route

    I am not sure what it was that brought this all up in my head.  I was trying to get the coffee together this morning and get my shower before sitting down at my computer for my first day back to work.  I was filling in my calendar of things I have to do and I remembered the letter to the ex sitting on the bar in my kitchen.  I was thinking about when I could mail it. Then...something began to flutter in my head and...

     I am NOT mailing that letter!  I feel good that I wrote it and the kids read it and they are glad to see me putting it all behind me but...would he care?  Or, most importantly, would it matter?  He is a narcissist.  When the kids tell him what they think about something and it is to put him back in his place, he will always say that I turned them against him.  He will always think that I am heart broken about losing him and jealous of whomever he is with and that I am trying to break them up.  He thinks quite a lot of himself that way.  AND if I send him that letter, he may view it as an olive branch...that I want us to be 'friends' and it will give him the idea that the door is open and we are 'joined'. 

     Nope.  TJ agreed with me. Bethany said it could be true and it may not matter if I send it.  TJ said that if it made me feel good to write it, then just let that be it.  And I am.  Done.  No letter sent. 

    Susan told me to not just throw it away but burn it because it would feel better.  But, you know...I really do not have that knot of anger anymore.  I can throw it away and forget it.  Silence is the best option.  NOW I feel better. 

     I am trying not to feel too anxious.  My calendar for work is filling up fast and I had to plot out a plan and I will need to stick to it if things are all going to get done on time.  Progress reports, IEPs, class plans....at least the first week back is testing week so I have some extra time to work on some things.  By the end of the week they will be dumping newly enrolled students in our laps and my dance card is pretty full already. 

     I counted...52 SCHOOL days until Spring Break.  Then we have a week of school followed by 3 weeks of state testing.  After State Testing we have almost a month of what I like to refer to as 'no man's land'.  The teachers let up on the class time and lessons and I am working with kids to salvage their 2nd semester grade.  There's Middle school meetings and school outings.  It could be fun.

     I also will need to decide of I am putting my house up for sale and moving somewhere else.  I think I am going to apply to a brick and mortar school system up where Susan works.  I probably stand a rat's ass of a chance of getting hired only because brick and mortar school systems think that online teachers don't do anything except monitor whether or not students do their work. 

    To quote Ricky Gervais, "I don't care."