Never Too Old to Learn

 I am my mother's daughter.  I am learning some things that my mom had to learn.  It's tough when you are used to being the one that takes care of everything and everyone.  You hover and deal.  You find your worth in making everyone else's life easier.  You don't know how to quit doing that.

I have had to step back from my son's life.  Things came to a head with my daughter in law.  I had no idea there was a problem but I really should have seen it.  She came to resent me very much.  My son was constantly running to me to vent and for advice.  I kept helping out with money and advice and giving them needed maintenance items for their new home.  I didn't know that there was a resentment that was growing within her to the point that when I drove down to see their new place, and I had a push mower and other items in tow, she went and stayed at her mom's and a huge fight happened between her and my son.  I was shocked and very hurt.  I felt as if I was getting kicked in the butt for all of my efforts over the years.  It still stings but I have to remind myself that it is not MY life.  

I left and came home.  She came back home.  I told my son that I was stepping back and letting them do what they needed to do to work things out.  He, at first, was upset...thinking that I was shunning him.  I explained that she resented me and if they were going to work it out, I needed to not be involved.  I was always out here but I just would not be lending assistance to them or advice.  They needed to live their own lives and figure it out.  He said he understood and that he needed to quit venting about her to others and just talk more to her.  I have barely heard anything out of him in 3 weeks.  He has called is sister once.  I just pray for him and have to have faith that they are working it out.

Work has been work.  I have been finding new ways of doing things.  I have also been resenting the co-workers that EXPECT me to do things for them when they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves.  

I am working on 2 college classes as once. They both end at the same time...right before winter break.  I was so looking forward to winter break but then I got a jury summons in the mail.  It begins on my winter break time.  I may not be chosen anyway because I have to return a questionnaire.  I have to do that today.  

So, my weekend is a mixture of household duties, college work and school work.  

The church is closed down because a large part of the attendees have been getting sick.  For some of them it was a positive test for COVID, for others it is just another type of flu or cold.  My brother tested positive for COVID but his wife tested negative.  He had an automatic 10 days off from work.  He has not been sick at all and he said he has gotten some much needed home maintenance done.  We pretty much feel he got a false positive and he's fine with it.  None of us that were around him have gotten sick either.  

Bethany is still working her job and God has given her good health.  Jordan is now delivering packages for FedEx instead of just loading trucks.  He is making more money doing delivery.  He says he is making connections that will help his mushroom business.  He may decide to stay where they are.  I would rather move back down that way but I have no friends down there.  I have a few aquaintences but no friends.  I liked the area better.  I will be looking to sell here this spring and move closer to the PA border where my family is.  If Bethany and Jordan go through with their plans this spring, too, they will be moving just on the other side of the PA border.  It is a better area for them.  My friends Susan's other son and DIL moved just the other side of the PA border, too, this summer.  

I have not had any contact with Susan since school started...other than text and a few phone calls.  Her mother fell and broke her arm and things were rather touch and go for them.  But, with some help from her older sister, Susan was able to maintain and her mom is now doing a lot better.  

Debbie had to be tested for COVID because of sick workers but she came out negative also.  She and her daughter managed to put up a wire mesh fenced area around the back of their house for her mom's 2 dogs.  She has found having a house keeps her busy on her days off from nursing.  It is a good thing.

Through everything, I have noticed that my sense of humor has dwindled to not much.  I have been figuring out new things about myself and have discovered that I am only a shell of who I thought I was.  I was going along being me and thinking I was okay when I keep finding out more and more that I was causing problems with people and I have found it all confusing.  Confusing or not, I have had to step back away from more and more people.  Me living my life has caused so much resentment and upset for so many people.  It hurts when you realize that you just being you upsets others so much that you just have to lose them.  I figure at some point I will just be alone.  

Okay...time to get my day started.  

The Blast of Lightening

 I have a new term...Blast of Lightening.

It is the thoughts that come suddenly into my head...that I wasn't pondering on but it seems God is giving me encouragement or enlightenment about something that gives me an 'AHA" moment.

One day, as I was putting laundry into the washer this thought just suddenly came into my head:

"Things are worked out way in advance...I began working on things  before you knew what was coming.  I knew what was in Troy's head and heart so I was the reason he lost his job WHEN he did and that he was given that job in another state when he did.  I took him AWAY from you to help you.  I worked out the unemployment for you for that year because I knew you would need the time.  Now that you see...you NEED to not be anxious.  I have been there every step.  I will be there for you when you need to retire.  I will take care of it.  Have FAITH!"

I have not been thinking about my ex except when I pray for him.  I have come to pity his life.  And I have been able to forgive and realize what he has done to me throughout the years was because he did not know better and I had chosen to marry him and I stayed with him.  I also realized that because I forgive him does not mean he has to be in my life.  So, I pray for him because I care about his soul the way I do everyone's.

I start my day with a prayer of thanksgiving...thankful for the roof over my head, thankful for a job that He keeps helping me to grow in and do better as I go along, thankful for His protection of my family and friends.  Then I continue to ask for protection and salvation for family, friends and people that I may not be fond of...my ex is one.  

I went to Bible Study/Prayer meeting Wednesday night for the first time.  It is a 20 minute drive out into the country to get there.  Hardly any traffic.  It was nice to be amongst other Christians.  It was good to study and pray.  I lifted up Heather...a co-worker.  I have known her for going on 6 years.  She has a boy in 8th grade and she is a single mom.  The dad lives in the same city and for some reason they never got married.  He is not married either.  They are good friends.  She would wake early every morning and take her son for hockey practice before she started her job with OHVA.  Then at the end of May, she lost sight in one eye and her other eye was blurry. She was admitted to the hospital and she told them she would raise a very large fit if COVID was anywhere on her hospital records. They ran tests and told her she has MS and they gave her something that restored her eyesight...until the end of July when her sight left her..both eyes.  It has not returned since.  She is a Christian.  I know this must be very tough for her.

I told her story in prayer meeting and we prayed for her long and hard.  I have not heard anything about her condition yet.  I pray for her every day.  We used to keep in contact through work IM and FB IM but, of course, there has not been any of that since a FB IM was sent to me to inform me of her eye sight loss.  I have prayed about what I can do to encourage her.  She is in NW Ohio now at her parents' house and I was given the address.  A package will go out soon.

God gives us little 'winks' and we get things that give us just that little bit of joy.  I have often looked at my couch and thought about trying to find pillows that would contrast but it was always a non-essential so I have not looked.  Then, my sister talked me into going with her to a street sale.  As I strolled along and was looking at things, I happened to look down at some things laid out on a sheet by a table and there were these 2 beautiful throw pillows that matched my couch exactly with the colors and they woman said she only wanted $1 for them.  So, of course I snatched them. They are perfect and made with strong material.  And it made me quite happy.  Pillows.  Used pillows.  for $1.  God gave me that little thing that made me happy...an unexpected thing that doesn't mean anything to anyone other than me.  At another street sale I found a vase with a butterfly on it...for a quarter and on the bottom of it was written: For Nancy.  ha ha!  It's the little 'winks' from God.

After prayer meeting on Wednesday night, Debbie insisted she take me for tea and cake for my birthday. As we sat drinking our tea she looked at me and said, "I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship.  It is good to have someone there that shares my struggles. It has been a joy to get to know you again."  I was shocked and just let that sink in.  I thanked her and told her I felt exactly the same about her.  We encourage, are there for the other one to lean on when needed, do not judge.  I am not here to condemn or cause someone else to stumble.  I know what I see and think may not be the whole story and I certainly am not going to make someone feel badly about their life.  She struggles and has been through a lot.  She has 4 kids that have all gone and are going through so many things and she is trying to help them make the right choices and they are not always going in the right direction.  I told her all we can do is pray and set the example.  I do not have to 'work' to be her friend, explain myself or beg for her to understand and accept me as I am.  Susan is another good friend.  She does not judge my every thought and act.  

I am feeling that maybe TJ and Brit are doing better right now.  I am thankful that TJ has stood in his faith and follows a path he knows is right for him.  I pray that they both continue to seek and follow.  This new home for them is a beginning to a better existence for them.  I pray that God blesses it.

I pray that Bethany and Jordan find their path with God.  I will be traveling down to see TJ and his new home in a few weeks.  I do not know if I will see Bethany. She and Jordan have been very careful about getting out around others.  I told them I will understand if I can't see them right now.  They will be up here by May this next year and I can see them all I want.  This COVID sucks and it creates a chasm.  

I am thankful for the people that have passed through my life that have helped me become who I am.  Sometimes these people were painful, sometimes they were helpful but they ALL changed me.  God winked.

Priorities and Goals

 Not everyone has the same priorities. Priorities line up with the type of person you are and how you intend to live your life.

That last line was, believe it or not, a billboard-in-my-head moment for me.  It should not have been something I already knew and I sure I did in the back of my mind but it is now out there hitting me in the face.

It brings things even more into focus for me.  The ego in us wants to know that we are a priority with someone.  We are disappointed when we are not a priority.  BUT, you have to consider the person and how they want to live their life.

If I had done that in my 20's, I would have not married the person I did.  I would have realized at that time he would not prioritize me...his marriage...his kids.  And I just mean he did not prioritize spending time and attention on any of that I mentioned.  He prioritized financially supporting us...the marriage. But his time was prioritized on HOW he wanted to live his life...time with his friends seeking 'fun'.

I am not saying I was/am perfect.  I am not prioritizing what I need to either...especially for the way I want to live my life.  

As far as friends and family I learned a long time ago that everyone has a lot going on in their lives around them and prioritizing their goals and family is what is important. I have never expected anyone to remember ANYTHING about me or my life.  I just naturally expect to have to remind/repeat.  My mother rights things on a calendar when any of us tell her anything special that is going on in our lives...even a doctor appointment. She wants to be 'present' for all of it.   And by that I mean she wants to be conscious of it, pray about it, ask about outcomes.  

I have a problem of being too focused on just my priorities.  I have tried to change that by consciously choosing to be more present for someone else.  I stop and make a mental note of what is going on in someone else's life that is of great concern to them.  I make a conscious effort to step out of my own 'head' and turn my attention on someone else.

My friend Debbie has a habit now of calling me and talking to me when she is driving home from her 12 hour shift of nursing.  She works 2-3 days a week.  She starts with laughingly saying, "I'm sorry I am driving!"  I had to tell her it is fine, I know why she does and it is different than my ex.  Once he moved to Kansas, the ONLY time he talked to me was when he was driving home from work.  I had my suspicions then and they were right....he had someone else at his place and therefore, he could not talk to me once he was home.  And certainly could not speak to me on the weekend then.  So, I guess she gets it now.  

My son will usually just call me when he is out away from his wife.  He has his own issues to deal with there.  Btw, he is signing the closing papers on his house on Monday, which is also his 30th bday. WHAT a bday present to himself!  His contract with McGraw Hill has been extended to at least January and they may end up hiring him fulltime. Even if they don't, he now has an office to be in at home where he can study for his IT cyber security certificates and get a better paying job.

Bethany talks to me every 3rd week.  Life passes by so fast, we just don't realize how much time has passed.  She texts with me.  I pray for her daily.  I have prioritized my concern and for my kids.  

I have also prioritized myself in that I will not stay on my computer working constantly. When 5 o'clock comes, with only a few exceptions, I will shut it off.  I refuse to do work on it on Saturday, which means, also unfortunately, that I may have to sit on on Sunday evening to get things ready for the week.  I will get to a point when the weather is awful, that I may do that work on Saturday mornings instead.  

But, being that it is Sunday morning, I need to do a different kind of prioritizing and get ready for church.