Ho Ho Hope

I just read my last blog post. Ironically I am in the exact same spot today as I was then. I was doing well Friday night..and Friday at work. I am done with Christmas shopping...mostly. I did not know what to do about my parents or Troy's mom and step-dad. Then, I realized that what they just want right now, in the cold winter, is comfort. So, I am making 'winter comfort/survival' baskets filled with boxes of gourmet soup, assortment of hot chocolate flavors (sugar free for the diabetic step-dad), comforter, movies, and a jar of this wonderful winter dry skin treatment I found made out of soy oil, beeswax and some other flower oil. I may even throw in some aloe socks. I am glad the kids and I got the tree up last weekend. I have not put up my village in the diningroom bow window. Was going to do it this weekend along with baking cookies. I did not do either thing. I have just done the minimum vacuuming, laundry and cleaning in the kitchen. I have done some cooking but no baking. Not sure why I feel so blue and immobile. My muscles are sore in my legs and arms. I just feel blah and can't come out of it. Troy had told me a few weeks ago that there is a bit of a chance the company will expand and send him back here...and since he still has a home here with his family it would make sense. What will be will be. I am not physically able to even have the energy anymore to deal with any of it. I am thinking this is God's will. Troy hasn't been giving me a bad time about the bank account since I started working overtime hours and handling most of the bills myself. So the key seems to be to work myself as much as possible and not want some of his paycheck. He is happier being able to go out after work for dinner with some of his co-workers and have some drinks and go home. I don't expect him to be lonely but then, I don't have money to do anything after I pay the bills. Not that I have the energy for anything... Then again, I guess I stayed home for years and mooched off of him.

Hanging On By My Fingertips

I took my daughter to the doctor at her request to do something about her anxiety. He asked her questions and talked with her then tested her. It seems she has a type of anxiety that makes her over analyze. I was not aware that she suffered so much from anxiety. She has held it in so long and kept it hidden from me for so long...but now I will get her the meds she needs. I want her life to be a better quality. I suffer from the same type of problem. I am hoping that after the first of the year to see a doctor for myself. I have so many issues to address. Some days, like today, I just feel like I can't cope anymore. Today was the worst day I've had in a long time. I have wanted to lash out at everyone around me. I feel like the volcano ready to explode but there is a cork in the mouth of this volcano and the pressure is building. I think the biggest problem is I'm tired. I don't feel well. I feel as if I have no control over my own life. And I have to be patient. I am really hoping that the medicine does my daughter some good. I would like to see her be able to enjoy her life.

A Ghost of a Chance

There is a spirit in our house. We can hear the sound of doors closing in the basement...someone else breathing...yes...someone else breathing. My daughter complains of it. I shut the lights out in my room one night, laid back and closed my eyes then heard someone let out a heavy sigh. I listened to hear if maybe one of the kids had come upstairs but no...they were downstairs in their rooms. The dogs were asleep. I contemplated whether or not it was something worth freaking me out and I just rolled over and went to sleep. Frankly, if the 'spirit' isn't going to hurt me...what do I care? Bethany woke up once when the TV in her room came on. I might have been miffed at the spirit waking me up. Speaking of miffed...it is official...my thyroid is on its last thread of life. I have to find a doctor to take the blood test, and put me on meds. I will worry about having the other half removed surgically until after the beginning of the year. My siblings are trying to work out a 60 year anniversary open house/party for our parents. I just told them to figure it out and let me know. With no thyroid action going on here, I am just way too tired out to even think most of the time. Troy has been quiet. I am jinxing myself here but he hasn't lectured me in a while. I am beginning to believe some of his problem is the chemical mess he made of his brain when he was on crack. He forgets, he is paranoid...and it makes him ornery...and I get the brunt of it. I am used to the paranoid/forgetfulness. My mom's side of the family has that problem...but it was not a problem with them until they were in their late 70's. Troy is only 48. I am seeing a hospice in his near future. The mental ward. Even unmarried I would make sure he was somewhere that he could be taken care of. His family would not care. And I would not let him end up as a homeless mental patient living under a bridge somewhere. And I know by the end of the work day I have a splitting headache and feel like I've been run over, then backed over by a truck. I wonder if I could teach the ghost to give me a backrub?