Unbelievable Novel

I had to take the time to give the Almost-Ex-Spouse advice on how to have a relationship with his offspring.  Our son will be turning 24 next month and our daughter will be 19 and NOW he is worried about having a relationship with them. 

He must have actually paid attention and is giving some consideration to what I am telling him.  I send it in an email after he had responded to an email I had sent asking him a simple question.  His response included a whine about how he hoped in time we could be friends and that he was sad because he will probably never have a  relationship with his kids.  I read it, thought about it, sighed and replied with directions on what he needed to do to have a relationship with his kids.  I also included a paragraph as to why he and I will never be friends.  I can be friendLY but not his friend.  That's as close as I'm going to get to that. 

I had to let him know, also that I paid the gas bill and it is being transferred to my name.  I have all the other utilities in my name already.

I also had to send a txt to remind him about the satellite radio subscription for my car.  I remembered it was supposed to end soon and he has always taken care of it.  I told him to make sure it cancels because they do an automatic renewal.  That text msg was evidently the tipping point because then he CALLED.  drat.

He discussed how to communicate with the kids and make sure I didn't want the satellite radio anymore.  I assured him it was nice but I didn't have long distances to travel, I can use the regular radio and I have an Ipod I connect and listen to.

I then went on to the grocery store.  I have this app on my phone that reads outloud any text msgs I receive.  It wasn't long before I heard the frog croak noise I use to announce an incoming txt msg and I heard the voice tell me it was a message from Troy and it told me he had renewed my satellite radio until January. 

Now I have to make a note on my calendar to call them in January to cancel it. 

I absolutely do NOT get it.  He is being nicer and doing more for me NOW, without complaining and yelling about it, than he has in our 25 years of marriage.  Honestly, once this dissolution is final I don't want to hear from him!  Just pay the alimony every month and leave me ALONE! 

I know I shouldn't complain that he is being so nice and generous but if you had to put up with someone constantly complaining to you/about you and yelling and just stomping through the house and bullying for 25 years and THEN as you are getting a divorce he is SUDDENLY the guy you SHOULD have been married to for 25 years, it would bug the bejesus out of you too!

I was thinking about my life over just the last month and a half and realized that I have read books and seen movies where the main character's life had a whole bunch of things go wrong all at once and I would think, "That's a bit over the top.  I could feel sympathy for that person without all of THAT."  I can almost chuckle at the realization that it really does happen. 

My dad is still not out of the woods.  It looks like he may have to have an artery replaced in his leg. The blood thinners are not able to get rid of the clot quickly enough and it may not ever be totally gone.  My mother is done in.  I am making plans on going up to visit them over Labor Day weekend.

I am still working on getting my own act together.  I have been in 'mourning' for a long time now.  Longer than I feel I should have been.  I can actually feel the gloom starting to lift. 

One thing that is helping me get past and move on is that, after Troy apologized for the irritatingly millionth time (almost that many) for hurting me and having such bad timing, I told him to QUIT apologizing and quit feeling guilty.  I told him we both know it was a lousy marriage and that he at least had the gonads to pull the plug on it.  I just always was afraid to because I could never actually let go of the idea that it could still be revived.  So he is doing us both a favor. The only thing he should feel bad about is the timing.  But I can even sort of understand that.  At least he is making sure things are taken care of and that me and the kids will be okay, financially. 

I really am just beyond the anger.  The hurt may remain because it is a human thing...feeling of rejection.  Even though it is all for the best.  And there is a feeling of failure because something you worked to hang on to for so long slipped away anyways.  However, that will pass at some point too.  And I may find someone else and actually enjoy my life.  Life has new possibilities. 

I am glad to be rid of the anger.  However, I am finding myself feeling hollow.  I would like to regain my joy.  This too will take time.  I want to joke around like I used to.  I want to look forward to doing things. 

I have joined some singles groups but have yet to actually get out and attend any of the meetups.  There is one at a comedy club at the end of the month but I was planning on visiting my parents then.  There are a few other things but they always seem to be at a time when I have actual plans for something else.  I will get there.

For now, I have a yard to get in order and a basement that needs a major cleanout.

Agitator

So, the Almost-ex-spouse is actually being very generous and helpful.  I don't have to worry about the roof over my head or the utilities...for the first year.  Then for the next 4 I still don't have to worry about the roof over my head.  I get everything in the house...except his office.  He put the kids on his insurance.  I get his retirement CD. 

Here's the problem...I don't mean to be cynical but I HAVE been married to the guy for 25 years and he is very bipolar and he is a bully.  So...why is he being so nice?  And I do mean nice because he calls me and TALKS to me.  Not AT me.  He wants to have conversations.  He wants us to be, hack ack, FRIENDS. 

REALLY?  I can be civil and I can be 'nice' but I cannot be his friend.  25 years of crap and a few weeks of nice and he thinks I can be his friend.  The Bible says turn the other cheek but it doesn't mean I have to stand within striking distance.

He has called me more in the last few days than he has in the last 2 months!  He has talked to me like someone he LIKES and respects.  After all the crap I have had to listen to from him over the years and the way he has treated me, now he expects me to be all sweet and 'sure we can be best friends and we can talk any time you want!" 

I told him something I know is going to bug him...even though he asked me for a divorce...I know how he works and it seems to be a family trait.  I told him that I am not handling being alone as well as I thought I would.  I left the idea in the air that I may be moving on.  He may not want me but he won't like the idea of being replaced.  I have not received a response from him. 

Even if he changed his mind about wanting this dissolution, I will not.  I remember too well the last 25 years.  I remember the bullying, the drugs, the yelling, etc.  And while, for some inexplicable reason, I am having mental and emotional difficulty with the idea of being single again, I will not turn back.  I will come around and find my footing.  I will be okay.  Better without him.  It is what I have wished for off and on for many years.  Now I am getting that wish and I remember why I made that wish. 

I think he may have someone in the wings.  Or at least is waiting to shoot out there and find someone.  I hope he can find someone and be happy. 

Okay...I may not be feeling generous enough for that last bit there. Not yet. 

Right now what he says and what he does makes no sense to me.  I do know one thing...he need to quit calling me.  I find it agitating.

Post Card

My father seems to be out of the woods.  The specialists had found clots in his lungs Tuesday night during one of the ICU xray checks on his condition.  They had thought they would need to go in Wednesday morning and open him up and put in a screen. 

They took him off the blood pressure meds that he had been taking for the last year.  They felt that was what was slowing his heart rate and what caused the blood clot in his leg.  Then they started giving him meds to dissolve the clot.  They must had been right because by the time my mom and older sister got to the hospital Wednesday morning his heart rate was up, he was alert, the platelet count was climbing, the clot was dissolving and the swelling in his leg was going down.  The doctors decided the surgery was no longer necessary..his lungs were fine. 

Had lots and lots of prayers going out for him.  God heard and helped.

It was sunny and warm outside this afternoon so I decided to go to Lowe's and hunt down the price for new flooring for the family room.  The carpet is old and has been there for heaven knows how long before we moved in.  3 dogs have not done it any good.  I am putting down vinyl planks that match the hard wood floors in the rest of the house.  Just the planks alone will cost me just over $200.  I can buy them as soon as I get my retirement money from DP&L.  

Then I meandered over into the garden section.  Big mistake.  The perennials were on sale.  I bought some Echinacea, Sedum and...something I have wanted for a long time...a butterfly bush!  It had butterflies on it too!  I was loading those into the car and I realized that I wouldn't be hearing anyone yelling at me about buying more plants...that it was an unnecessary expense.  I smiled.  I sang.  It was a wonderful feeling.

I haven't heard anything out of him so I am assuming he hasn't gotten his certified letter yet. 

I have been thinking long and hard about why I am so angry at him for telling me he wants a divorce.  It isn't like I haven't verbalized the same thing dozens of times over the years (just not to him).  I think it is because of his timing.  And the idea that he can't be honest about the idea that he had this planned for longer than I care to think about.  Perhaps it makes me ill thinking about how long he stuck around when he really didn't want to be here.

I will never really know unless he can be honest about it and I don't want to hear it. 

Or am I angry because it was he that had the good sense to pull the trigger while I kept going back and forth between wanting to end it and thinking there might still be some way we could work it out. 

Doesn't really matter.   I need to get my arse in gear and make sure I have things lined up.

Tomorrow my son begins his new job.  He has weird unstable hours he is working for that and still keeping his stocking job at Foodtowne for now.  He is nervous about what he is going to be learning and doing.  Welcome to the real adult world. 

And now...time for some sleep.  Tomorrow will bring new challenges and I need to be able to face them.