The Email...I'm Not Proud of it...

From day one you were unhappy with me.  You preferred to go spend time with your 'friends' out at Rodney's and everywhere else and then get mad because I didn't want to hang around them.  I married YOU...not them and you KNOW I wasn't someone that did drugs and liked hanging out with a bunch of drunks.  And none of them were really friends because they were just as happy to knife each other in the back as long as they got something out of it. 

You had told me you didn't want to be like that and you wanted a different life.  I believed you.  You were still kinda out of control and unhappy so I did what I could to make sure your dreams came true.  I supported you in that respect.

You had expected me to be a teacher.  I disappointed you in that respect.  I disappointed myself in realizing I could not handle taking care of a family AND work outside the home at the same time. 
You HAVE to take some responsibility for things... you spent so much of your time either NOT with us or criticizing.  You were NEVER happy with anything!  I tried to make life run smoothly for EVERYONE and you made me feel like no matter what I did I could not make you happy. 
Even when you made decisions that put me through the wringer, I was still there to try and make it better. 

And now you just walk out on all of us.  You play at being an adult in the adult world by having a job but you can't handle the adult responsibility.  Here you are again going off and leaving me to sort things out and figure out how to keep my head and the kids' heads above water. 
I tried so hard to hang on to this and was willing to keep working on it...have to move one more time.  But not you!

I have been there holding things together, family wise, all these years, through EVERYTHING...and you just up and walk out and leave it all in my lap AGAIN!  You said that I must have known this was coming...you are right.  I don't know why I should expect anything different.  I SHOULD have known when you walked out that door that was you leaving.

All I ever wanted was happy family.  But we weren't because you were never happy.  You still aren't.  Nothing ever went according to plan.  That is life.  You can't handle it.  So your answer is flight.  You don't fight...you fly.  I am the one that has faced things head on and had to struggle SO HARD to hold it together.

I am so sick and tired of people telling me I am a strong person and I can do this!  I don't WANT to be strong!  I want to be taken care of...someone else do the tough stuff.  I want to be the one to pack my bags and leave and let someone else clean up the mess. 

but I am not that person.  I could never just walk out no matter what because I care too much about how it affects everyone.  You are just breathing a sigh of relief.  Thinking this is going to help you feel better.  It won't.  You will carry these bad feelings with you because you have let yourself down.  You have not become a better person. 

We loved you and overlooked all the mistakes YOU made.  We supported you.  Believe it or not, supporting us financially is not really supporting us.  WE are your family. 

You can't even call your son and apologize to him for telling him he is wasting his life.  You leave hurt feelings in your wake.  I lose my job and then you won't talk to me for 48 hours and then when you do you YELL at me.  Thanks.  That right there lets me know just how much I mean to you. 
Don't tell me you care and you never wanted to hurt me.  You've been hurting me off and on for 25 years.  I still cared about you.  I still tried to help you feel better in the worst times.  It is not a great feeling when you are under the gun because life has pulled the rug out from under you...and you have responsibilities.  But you hang in there and do something about it...work on it because you love your family and care what happens to them. 

Bethany IS angry at you. She wants you to know that we are not the reason for your unhappiness...she wanted you to be her dad and you just are dumping us.  That is what she told me...her feelings...how it seems to her.  And maybe the nose ring was her bit of rebellion because it is something that she knew you would not like.  I am not going to jump all over her about it because I understand.  However, I did let her know I don't like it either and she cannot act impulsively like that anymore.  Nothing she does like that is going to make her feel better or make anything any better.  Remember when you did crack?  Did that make anything any better?  no.  and you could have ended up dead. I should have just let you go...washed my hands of you but I didn't.  I came looking for you.  (yes I am bringing this up again because you really need to understand what someone does that actually gives a care about someone else).  I could not let you sink into the ground.

You pack your bags and leave.  You cannot handle life.  You are ALWAYS unhappy and make everyone else pay for it.  I never deserved the things you have said to me.  I deserved someone who loved me and made me feel like you LIKED me. 

For instance...EVERY FREAKIN YEAR there was the arguments with you over what I did with the plants outside.  You KNEW it was something I liked to do...yet, you had to make it a miserable thing for me every damn year!  I knew you liked to golf and I didn't give you a bad time about it.  I wanted to you to do something you enjoyed.  But you couldn't let me enjoy what I was doing.  Not one year. 
We couldn't even go on walks without you making it a miserable experience. You picked at the way I walked.  And the one time I got you to go for a hike with us at Charleston Preserve you picked at the kids the whole time about how slow they walked or if they wanted to sit for a moment.  Those things were supposed to be a leisurely fun experience and you sucked the enjoyment right out of them.  That right there is the reason that I resisted asking you to do anything with me or the kids ever again.  You never knew how to let someone just DO things their own way.  You could never relax and let things just flow. 

If you had at all made any of us feel like you even really cared or was happy in anyway with any of us life could have been so different.  You said you felt left out.  The above paragraph should give you some insight as to WHY. 

Yes...you are unhappy.  Always have been.  We are not the reason you are unhappy...YOU are the reason you are unhappy.  I have had to deal with your unhappiness for 25 years...and YOU have made me unhappy.  I am unhappy that I have put up with you.  I am unhappy that I allowed you to make me feel so bad about myself.  I am unhappy that I am always the one left holding the bag and trying to fight to keep my head above water.

I have made so many excuses for you in my head...you had a bad upbringing.  But DAMN IT...we were not the ones that did it to you.  You should have NEVER gotten married and had kids.  You were too unhappy and was hoping something/someone else would make you happy but you didn't know how to care.  You don't.  If you did you wouldn't be doing what you are doing now.  You are not going to be happy. 

I will be kicking myself over this marriage until the day I die.  I was just so stupid to work so hard to make you happy and I was just too naïve to realize that I couldn't.  And I brought two kids into this union that had to suffer for it also. 

I have wasted my life.  I made bad choices.  I wanted a happy family.  I am praying my kids can have happy families and futures and this life they have had only serves as a lesson in what NOT to do. 

It is amazing to me, however, that for all the crap you have done and the decisions you have made, you STILL end up with the jobs that pay you so well.  You will come out on top of the dung heap and we are struggling in your wake.

I still refuse to let go of my faith.  The devil can knock me down and trip me up and throw one blow after the other at me...but I HAVE to believe that God is going to make it better. 

And while I should turn the other cheek, for my mental and emotional health I decided I needed to not be so nice and forgiving and understanding.  I just needed to actually let you know what I thought and felt.  I am no longer giving you a 'pass' because of your past.  I am no longer tip toeing around things because of your addiction.  You packed your bags and left.  Why should I care anymore???   If you cared...even a little bit...if you really did love any of us...even a little bit...you would not have done this.

And no...I am not spewing my thoughts and anger at you in front of YOUR offspring.  They have their own thoughts and feelings and every once in a while they tell me what they are thinking or feeling about any of it.  I do not agree or disagree with them.  They are allowed to have their feelings. I also am not making excuses for you either.

You cannot outrun your unhappiness.  And no amount of anything else you may do or ingest is going to make it any better.  We loved you and accepted you for what you were.  We wanted to share our lives with you but our lives were never acceptable to you...always telling us what we should be doing different and better.  Always sure to let us know how YOU felt about things.  You even said to me one time you didn't think I loved you.  I did.  Just because you would buy me something I liked once in a while did not make me feel loved.  All I wanted was to feel like you supported me...and your words did not show it.  You were critical about everything...the plants, etc, being one case in point.  You got angry at me about not keeping a job.  Angry at ME.  I NEVER got angry at you when you lost a job.  I wasn't even angry at you when you lost that job in Cleveland because of your drug use.  I knew how much you hated that job...and I blamed myself for your
 decisions. 

WHAT A FREAKING WASTE!  All that blame I heaped on myself for everything.  and the real problem is you are not happy.

I still care about where you end up in eternity.  That's about it.

The only thing I blame myself for now it wasting my time.

#3

They say bad things happen in 3's.  I was afraid it would be my son's job. 

I got up this morning feeling 'normal' again.  Energetic, hopeful...ready to take on the day and get things accomplished.  I got on my knees and said a major prayer for TJ.  Then I went off to run some errands...get a hair cut.  I got a call from TJ letting me know he finally heard from the new job and they cleared him to come in and fill out employment papers and start work.  YES!  Things were going to change!

I had written a long email to my almost-ex-monster-spouse yesterday.  It was cathartic.  I let out ALL of my true thoughts and feelings that I had about the last 25 years and his behavior towards me and his family.  I did not send it.  Will not send it.  It just made me feel SO much better. 

Yep, things were getting better.

Then I called my mom to share my son's good news.  She answered her phone crying.  I thought my Aunt Doris had passed..she has been fighting double pneumonia.  But it was my dad.  He was rushed to the hospital with a blood clot.  It is in his leg and so big it is blocking his platelets.  His heart rate is down.  They will be operating tomorrow to put in a screen to catch the clot as it breaks up once they administer the drugs to break it up and dissolve it.

I txted AEMS to tell him that TJ was cleared to work the new job and told him about my dad.

He called me on his way home from work to ask about my dad then segued into letting me know what property he wants from the house.  I told him this wasn't the time and got off the phone.

Then, being overwhelmed with emotions and anger...I started anger txted him. For instance, I told him he should be very glad he is all the way in Wichita right now because I would slap his face right of his head.  There was a lot of other things but I guess since he now knows how angry I am then when he gets the papers he will be angry too...or shaking in his shorts cuz he knows how I am when I'm angry. 

Anger is not an emotion I am comfortable with.  I don't wear it well.  It creates some uncontrollable actions and I don't like to put myself in that place.  Really. 

I told the assistant pastor at my church that I wanted to do some writing again but I couldn't do it in this state of mind.  He told me it might be good for me to do.  I really wouldn't want to read the book that comes out of this.  However, if I start it in anger I can go back to it in a better state of mind and turn it into tongue in cheek humor.  It still might make some ppl uncomfortable. 

There are things I can think of that I said to him when I was really angry like when he complained that I was losing his socks in the laundry and that never happened when he washed his own clothes.

Please...when was the last time you even did laundry???  And what about the fact that you could have possibly dropped one while packing to leave the hotel room?  OF COURSE you didn't leave anything behind because you are too perfect for that! 

I didn't say anything like that.  What I DID say was this: "damn...you caught me.  I have been trying to drive you just a bit nutty a little at a time by throwing one sock away every once in a while.  It is my only source of entertainment."

or when he accused me of losing one of his shirts...or that his son must have it in one of his drawers.  I would go in his office closet or office or bedroom closet and TADA...there it was.  Then I told him I hid it on purpose...again...to drive him nuts.  I just wanted to know how long it would take him to notice it was missing.

Guess I won't miss those times...but it would be kinda funny in a book.

I COULD write a book about a woman married to an asshole and actually does all the stuff I've thought of that would make me giggle and drive him nuts.  Nuttier. 

Tomorrow I am going to probably post a copy of the email I wrote him but didn't send. 

One Big Headache

I have good days and bad days.  Today I am feeling very anxious.  So anxious I am immobile.  There is the depression...mixed with the anxiety.  Didn't really know you could have both at the same time.

Next week Troy will get his certified letter.  Then it will be on.

I am still filling out job apps. 

My son is having a difficult time.  He got a job offer that he really wanted.  But then they started putting him through a deep background check.  And now they are trying to decide if they do want to hire him or not because of a misdemeanor that happened 6 years ago and all he had to do was serve 40 hours of community service.  Most places are looking at felonies.  And his record has been squeaky clean for 6 years. 

He and I are both ripping our hair out.  I have to do more praying.

I have had so much anxiety throughout my life with all the packing and moving...trying to raise kids and worrying about the new schools...getting used to all the new surroundings..

Things changed drastically 2 years ago when Troy was let go from Rockwell.  I had started a job...he got a job he hated and was just angry all the time.  Then he got a job in another state and moved.  I have been reeling through it all.  And here things are going through another change.  Going from a family of 4 to a family of 3.  It is more of a legality.  but it is also something in the head.

It would be difficult on its own...but looking for a job too.  And now this thing with TJ and the job.

I guess I need to spend more time on my knees talking to God. 

My head hurts.